2006 Directed by Woquini Adams
Written by Ashley Nielsen
Another softcore flick from Woquini Adams, this time written by Ashley Nielsen, who also wrote the Woquini Adams flick Deviant Passions. It must be tough to be a Hollywood writer who only writes for films with “Passions” in the title directed by Woquini Adams. But if Woquini Adams directs Passions of the Christ, you got it made! Now, we are not certain Woquini Adams and Ashley Nielsen are real people, but if they are, good luck to them. I’ve seen some awful films of this nature over the years, and this is certainly not one of the awful ones.
One thing this film does have (besides naked boobs of the breasts variety) is lots of coin collector nerdage. As a former coin collector who still has a bunch of old coins stashed in my mom’s attic, the language was like a warm familiar blanket. But no one has ever murdered me over my coins…yet!
Detective Walt Hodges (Randy Spears) – Hodges is the detective who is always on the case. He never gets taken off the case by a yelling boss. Maybe he should start playing by his own rules or something. But he catches the bad guys regardless so I guess that’s okay. Randy Spears is a mega porn star who has also moved on to directing porn. Randy Spears has probably had more sex in the time it took you to read this review than you will have this year.
Darlene Stern (Jezebelle Bond) – Secretary for Floyd Winslow who wants to help run his music producer business, thus she’s sleeping with him. Attempts to take over the business after his death. Because more and more strung out as the movie progresses. Jezebelle Bond has juggled more balls than a circus clown in such films as The Boobs of Hazzard 2, Lezbo a Go-Go, and When the Boyz Are Away the Girlz Will Play 11
Janice Winslow (Julia Kruis) – the wife of the late Floyd Winslow, former Miss Texas, and accused golddigger. She then becomes a target so Detective Hodges can give her some police protection. If you know what I mean. Julia Kruis was in Wild Child 2 as Julie Skiru.
Lorraine Lewis (Wendy Rice) – Walt Hodges TV reporter girlfriend who gets him in trouble because she’s good at her job.
Floyd Winslow (Danny Pape) – A suicide…NOT! Investigation of the murder turns into a sexy mystery that you might take a few minutes to figure out before you just keep watching for the sex.
Gloria Bradly (Nikita Cash) – A tennis instructor and sometimes lesbian lover. Nikita Cash is an adult actress who has been nailed more than Christ in such films as A Midsummer Night’s Cream, Stop! My Ass Is on Fire!, and Throbin Hood.
Derek Dembro (Dick Smothers Jr.) – washed up former rocker trying to get Floyd Winslow to produce his next album. Also implicated in Floyd’s death. Dick Smothers Jr. is the son of Dick Smothers from the Smothers Brothers fame, who went into the adult business under his real name. At this time he has left adult films, but when he was in them he was in two of the Sex Trek films, Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4 and Sex Trek: Charly XXX.
Greg Hampton (Ben Gold) – Coin Guy, you coiny mofo! Coin Guy loves coins. He loves them so much, he pays lots of money for them. All cash, under the table. Coin Guy’s arch enemy is IRS Audit Man! His favorite color is red and his favorite fish is herring.
Captain Vogel (Daryl Burq Pearson) – Hey, this Captain doesn’t yell at the cops and take them off the case! We need more case taking offing action!
Mr. Jenkins (Bill Hindley) – Mr. Jenkins is the nosy neighbor who is currently peeping on your wife in the shower. And taking notes. And video taping it. And uploading it to YouTube. And calling the cops on your wife for wasting so much water. Why does your wife shower so long? It is probably because she likes Mr. Jenkins peeping on her.
Ghosts are common in softcore films because they can be brought in rather cheaply and still make erotic stories that aren’t boring. They also tap into the “love from beyond the grave” vibe that is popular with romance types. We pretty much know why we’re here, so I can’t really give a nice long opening discussion. Especially since I can’t find much information about Woquini Adams, but there is one more Woquini Adams movie in the pipeline.
All the sex scenes are loud vocal affairs. So if you like noise, this is the movie for you. If you also like weird ghost story movies, this is the movie for you. If you like sepia tones this is the movie for you. If you like movies about house repair guys who go nuts and tie people up, this is the movie for you. If you like movies about frogs who eat beans, this is not the movie for you. I am still looking for that movie. But I will find it one day, and it will be glorious.
So have ghost women told you stuff about their murder and then joined in during sex with your wife? Because I can imagine that being rather annoying. Who wants female Slimer in the bedroom? Get out, ghost lady! And stop showing me where treasure is buried! I got enough treasure lying around the house.
Colin Blake (Sean Juergens) – Husband, writer. Like all writers, Colin can’t write unless his in in some very specific circumstances: 1- Colin must have 1 glass of white wine and 1 glass of red wine. 2- Colin must use a typewriter because only real writers use typewriters. 3- Colin must be at a Starbucks so people can see him typing on his typewriter. 4- Colin must be wearing a red shirt with green pants and a pink scarf. 5- Colin must never use the letter “e” in any of his stories. 6- Colin can only write 3 sentences at a time before he must play computer Solitare. 7- You must never discuss with Colin “How’s the story coming?” or Colin will stab you in the thigh. Sean Juergens is somewhere in Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise.
Winn Blake (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – Colin’s lovely wife who is totally obsessed with getting away from it all into a random house in a random town. And also falling asleep waiting for her husband to stop writing and have sex with her. Before she was married to this writer guy, Amy Lindsay was all about having sex in airplanes as you can see in Bikini Airways
Kate (Chloe) – The real estate agent in charge of showing the house who somehow is also in charge of showing the house off to prospective renters, which I would think sort of makes it hard to sell the house while random people are staying there. I guess that is why I am not a real estate agent. That, and I don’t like lying to people and setting up housing bubbles that destroy the economy. I am sure you have figured out that Chloe’s singular name means she is a porn star, because she is. Chloe has seen more wiener than Oscar Meyer in such films as Zorho Meets the Mob, Poon Raider, and Buttwoman vs. Buttwoman.
Ketcher (William Lawson) – Is in the rye. A crazy home repair guy who is obsessed with finding the treasure in the house, to the point where he sabotages things and even takes people by gunpoint and forces them to get it on while staring all creepily.
Stella (Monique Parent as Monique Harlowe) – It’s a ghost! Someone call the Ghostbusters! Stella doesn’t quite understand she’s dead and is still wandering around her house solving the mystery of her death, which isn’t a mystery because DUH she was killed by her crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband. What’s next, John Wilkes Booth’s ghost wandering around the White House trying to find out who killed Lincoln? Monique Parent was also in Voodoo Dollz and a bajillion other softcore films.