March of Godzilla 2019
It’s time for March of Godzilla 2019! As usual, we are bringing out theme month late and it will probably run longer than a month, but if there is one thing TarsTarkas.NET is known for, it’s for randomly starting and updating things at no regular schedule. Thanks to the power of busy work, being sick, and a major construction project eating up my spare time, we will get one Godzilla flick, then a few other updates, and finally the rest of the bunch! And hopefully there will be a bunch this time, not just Godzilla flicks but other media!
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The Ever-Morphing Bodies of Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
We can’t discuss the Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory without noting the vast amount of body dysmorphia happening, both to the featured players and to the cartoon animals. The Willy Wonka story has its various body horrors: Augustus Gloop is squished through a clear pipe, Violet Beauregarde is transformed into a living purple grape that needs to be juiced (before she explodes!), and Mike TeeVee is broken down into tiny pieces and reassembled in tiny form. Plus this doesn’t count the characters that almost float to their doom or are dropped down long shafts into the furnace, nor the tiny orange men who sing songs dunking on the victims. It is a living cartoon, so slots in perfectly with Tom and Jerry. So Tom and Jerry is now forced to both have the signature violent cartoon styles with the addition of running riffs of all the various Willy Wonka gimmicks. What results is a cornucopia feast of crazy body morphing that deserves its own spotlight separate from the main review. Enjoy!
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The Equalizer, John Wick and Generational Masculinity: Ruminations On a Theme
Academy Award winning screenwriter Sylvester Stallone once – or, indeed, many times – said that nobody is as tough as their grandpa, because the times were tougher back then. There’s certainly some truth to that, assuming you’re lucky enough to live in the right kind of place. Of course, when Stallone said it he was promoting Rambo, a movie about an elderly Vietnam vet teaching a bunch of idealistic missionaries that only violence can solve the world’s problems.
We’ve seen this a lot in recent years, but it isn’t anything new. Clint Eastwood seems eager to prove over and over again that old people are better at pretending to be tough in movies than young people. Stallone and Schwarzenegger, once the young athletes of the silver screen, have tried to corner the market in tough old man action and even the once-acclaimed acting powerhouse Liam Neeson has become a comical posterchild for the subgenre. Mel Gibson, meanwhile, has attempted to make several comebacks of the same type with little success, while Tom Cruise gets around the issue by never aging. Even Bill Nighy has taken a swing at it!
The message is always the same: when times get tough, you need to call on someone who was forged in tougher times. Remember: no matter how bad things get, you damn kids don’t know hard times. Your grandpappy saw worse shit than the Syrian civil war on the way to church every Sunday morning and he’s not gonna let you forget it. Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino fantasizes openly about shooting black teenagers on the street, but somehow evolves into a non-racist Christ figure by teaching a young migrant lad how to be a real man (apparently it’s all in the way you talk to your barber or something). And, naturally, that’s what this is all about: being a real man.
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Ike! Godman Splash Page
Godman was Toho’s first tokusatsu, premiering Thursday, October 5th, 1972, on the Good Morning! Kids Show on NTV. This was a day before Toho’s Rainbowman series premiered, so Godman is technically first even if his show is only five minutes long. This means we must be respectful of his place in history, even though he is terrible and so is his show! The story was designed to play six days a week at five minutes each episode, wrapping around the weekend, and providing a complete Godman adventure. But as the show is almost entirely Godman fighting a different monster each week without any of that plot nonsense, it’s not 100% required for you to watch every episode. Eventually, the Ike! Godman series was replaced by the successor Ike! Greenman series, and Greenman would battle some of the monsters from Godman. Never fear, the plots would be just as scarce.
Ike Godman stood in obscurity for decades, with only a few episodes released on laserdisc format (or so the people who upload clips claim), which soon began circulating in the exciting world of grey market vhs tapes. In 2008, the world was shocked when DVDs were released of select episodes of Ike! Godman and Ike! Greenman, along with a brand new original short starring the pair. Shocked, because who was really clamoring for this?? Now, we did not get either full series on DVD, the disks are mainly “best of”s, with only a few complete stories and many monsters only getting a one episode appearance, if that. But like an awful jerk once said, we go to war with the army we have, and what we have is garbage that will only get worse in longer form. I have managed to find a few more extra episodes out there thanks to the magic of the internet, so that will be included when possible. Unfortunately, that means a few of the monsters have no representation at all, at least until the rest of the show is finally released somehow.
That being said, the Godman Splash Page is filled with whatever information I could muster of all the creatures and powers of Ike! Godman, which should be enough to make people think I know what I am talking about. It’s not like anyone else will watch more than one episode of this show, unless they are being tortured by terrible, terrible people. Honestly, this show is awful, and it is only interesting because of the many monster suits being reused.
The True Monster of Ike! Godman:
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Godman powers
Godman has a bunch of special moves that he does by calling out their name. They include:
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Godman kaiju roll call!
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Godman Episode List:
Godman vs. Kinger (ゴッドマン対キンガー その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Kingaa (October 5 – 11, 1972)
Godman vs. Gabara (ゴッドマン対ガバラ その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gabara (October 12 – 18, 1972)
Godman vs. Ghoston (ゴッドマン対ゴーストン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gosuton (October 19 – 25, 1972)
Godman vs. Yasugon and Tsunoterah (ゴッドマン対ヤスゴン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Yasugon – Tsunokeraa (October 26 – November 1, 1972)
Godman vs. Tsunosilver (ゴッドマン対ツノシルバー その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Tsunoshirubaa (November 2 – 8, 1972)
Godman vs. Gorosaurus (ゴッドマン対ゴロザウルス その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gorozaurusu (November 9 – 15, 1972)
Godman vs. Madaran (ゴッドマン対マダラン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Madaran (November 16 – 22, 1972)
Godman vs. Gattlar (ゴッドマン対ギャットラー その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gyattoraa (November 23 – 29, 1972)
Godman vs. Momonglar (ゴッドマン対モモングラー その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Momonguraa (November 30 – December 6, 1972)
Godman vs. Kamoebas and Folgon (ゴッドマン対カメーバ・フォルゴン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Kameeba – Forugon (December 7 – 13, 1972)
Godman vs. Bolbes (ゴッドマン対ボルペス その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Borupesu (December 14 – 20, 1972)
Godman vs. Imogoras (ゴッドマン対イモゴラス その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Imogorasu (December 21 – 27, 1972)
Godman vs. Bullman (ゴッドマン対ブルマン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Buruman (January 4 – 10, 1973)
Godman vs. Dongolar (ゴッドマン対ドンゴラー その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Dongoraa (January 11 – 17, 1973)
Godman vs. Skeleton Man No.1 and Skeleton Man No.2 (ゴッドマン対スケルトマンNo.1・スケルトマンNo.2 その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Sukerutoman No.1 – Sukerutoman No.2 (January 18 – 24, 1973)
Godman vs. Sanda (ゴッドマン対サンダ その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Sanda (January 25 – 31, 1973)
Godman vs. Gaira (ゴッドマン対ガイラ その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gaira (February 1 – 7, 1973)
Godman vs. Trunker (ゴッドマン対トランカー その1 – その6 Goddoman Tai Torankaa (February 8 – 14, 1973)
Godman vs. Hotter(ゴッドマン対ホッター その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Hottaa (February 8 – 14, 1973)
Godman vs. Green-Mask (ゴッドマン対グリーンマスク その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Geriinmasuku (February 15 – 21, 1973)
Godman vs. Funtlar (ゴッドマン対フントラー その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Funtoraa (February 15 – 21, 1973)
Godman vs. Bat-Man (ゴッドマン対バットマン その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Battoman (February 22 – 28, 1973)
Godman vs. Kappalge (ゴッドマン対カッパルゲ その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Kapparuge (February 22 – 28, 1973)
Godman vs. Alien Tiborusm (ゴッドマン対ティボラス星人 その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Tiborasu Seijin (March 1 – 7, 1973)
Godman vs. Ostotam (ゴッドマン対オストタム その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Ostotam (March 1 – 7, 1973)
Godman vs. Tsunojiras (ゴッドマン対オストタム その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Tsunojirasu (March 8 – 14, 1973)
Godman vs. Elephantar (ゴッドマン対ツノジラス その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Erefyandaa (March 8 – 14, 1973)
Godman vs. Totsaurus (ゴッドマン対トットザウルス その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Tottozaurusu (March 15 – 21, 1973)
Godman vs. Jilarji (ゴッドマン対シラージ その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Shiraaji (March 15 – 21, 1973)
Godman vs. Wolflar (ゴッドマン対ウルフラー その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Urufuraa (March 22 – 28, 1973)
Godman vs. Gejilba (ゴッドマン対ゲジルバ その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Gejiruba (March 22 – 28, 1973)
Godman vs. Trilorn (ゴッドマン対イボギラー その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Toriroon (March 29 – April 4, 1973)
Godman vs. Ibogilar (ゴッドマン対イボギラー その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Ibogiraa (March 29 – April 4, 1973)
Godman vs. Stegojiras and Akumon (ゴッドマン対ステゴジラス・アクモン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Sutegojirasu – Akumon (April 5 – 11, 1973)
Citations and image sources:
インサイター (The site 90% of the internet got their Godman kaiju images from!)
ゴッドマン’s モンスター
「行け！ゴッドマン５円引き」の記事へ
Categories: Cinema Articles Tags: Akumon, Alien Tiborus, Batman, Bolbes, Bullman, Dongolar, Elephantar, Folgon, Funtlar, Gabara, Gaira, Gattlar, Gejilba, Ghoston, Godman, Gorosaurus, Green-Mask, Hotter, Ibogilar, Imogoras, Japan, Jilarji, Kameba, Kappalge, Kinger, Madaran, March of Godzilla: Godman, Momonglar, Ostotam, Sanda, Skeleton Man No.1, Skeleton Man No.2, Stegojiras, tokusatsu, Totsaurus, Trilorn, Trunker, Tsunojiras, Tsunosilver, Tsunoterah, Wolflar, Yasugon
March of Godzilla: Godman
The new March of Godzilla is here! And like most prior Marches of Godzilla, it is late as heck! March, Smarch, 2015, 2016, Godzilla stomps when he darn well pleases! And also like several other Marches of Godzilla, there is a theme to this March:
SOS SOS SOS GODMAN! Godman is here to murder monsters and also violently kill them dead. If you are unfamiliar with Godman, star of the television series Go! Godman (行け！ゴッドマン – Ike! Goddoman), then you are not alone, so please enjoy the gigantic dump of Godman information.
Our interest in Ike! Godman is purely professional – several Godzilla-related kaiju suits were used on the show, the suits usually credited as the actual Godzilla-related monster. So that makes Godman (and fellow show Ike! Greenman) technically part of the Toho monster universe, even if the series is largely disowned by Toho and regularly condemned as the worst tokusatsu show of all time.
The complaints are not an exaggeration, Ike Godman is TERRIBLE! The basic series runs like this: One or more annoying children are menaced by a monster (often because they provoke it), they scream for Godman, who then flies in and fights the monster for several episodes until he brutally murders it. That’s the entire show. Ike Godman was meant to be digested in tiny chunks every day, and not the binge-watching approach we are attempting. But… YUCK! Getting through these shows was a slog. There was a reason I took a far too long break before finishing up writing about them! (And then I need to do the whole thing over again with Go! Greenman!)
We’ll have plenty of screencaps posted so those jerkwads at the Godzilla wiki can then steal them without attribution like they’ve done so often before to me and other sites. Fuck the Godzilla Wiki. I’ll also borrow photos from other sites that have some pics of the monsters of episodes that aren’t available, but I’ll list my sources, unlike the previously mentioned terrible site of terrible people who are terrible.
Godman himself is a piece of work. He’s silver and red, with long flowing hair (partially hidden behind his red mask) that is rather unique in the tokusatsu hero world. Godman wears a red spandex body pajama with an outside filthy silver diaper, and booties and gloves. Godman is also big at promoting his own brand, with a big “G” imprinted on his belt buckle, boot buckles (actually golden rings), and wrists. Too bad there is another more famous giant creature whose name begins with G that already has that “G” brand sewn up, guy! Godman came to Earth from the Fire God Star, which means there might be a whole planet of Godmen out there punching all sorts of poor monsters. Why can’t the Garogas from Zone Fighter blow up Fire God Star? Get with the program, lazy Garogas!
Godman has a bunch of powers. He can fly and change his height in order to fight gigantic monsters. The height-changing is powered by the G-emblazoned golden rings on his shoes, which occasionally are removed because Godman is too cheap to go to the jewelers and get them fitted properly. Like all tokusatsu, Godman has a bunch of special moves that he does by calling out their name. They include: God-Circle, which is Godman’s Tron disc that explodes. God-Spark, which is explosive finger sparkles. God-Crush, which is Godman’s flail that he uses on monsters to redirect their attack back to them. God-Acid, which is special acid that comes from Godman’s hand. God-Shower, which is a gross-sounding water attack. Godman Supersonic Wave, which is when Godman fires a swirl from his chest that brutally murders his opponents. Godman totally stole that last attack from Yars’ Revenge, despite that video game not even being invented yet!
The episodes of Ike! Godman on the DVD set are out of order, many of them are just partial episodes, and some are completely missing. We’ll be posting them in the order that they originally aired, the one true order! I’ve also found some of the missing episodes thanks to the magic of the internet, but was unable to locate every missing piece. There are also no subtitles, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! It’s not like many of these episodes even have dialogue, so that’s no big loss. We’ll have a nice Godman Splash Page with all your Godman needs, in case you somehow have needs about Godman. That page will mainly be useful as a kaiju guide, Godman powers guide, and episode guide. Guide guide guide.
Let’s launch March of Godzilla: Godman with the goddest man of all, Godman! Bring on the kaiju!
Ike! Godman Splash Page
Godman vs. Gabara (ゴッドマン対ガバラ その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gabara (October 12 – 18, 1972)
Godman vs. Yasugon and Tsunoterah (ゴッドマン対ヤスゴン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Yasugon – Tsunokeraa (October 26 – November 1, 1972)
Godman vs. Tsunosilver (ゴッドマン対ツノシルバー その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Tsunoshirubaa (November 2 – 8, 1972)
Godman vs. Gorosaurus (ゴッドマン対ゴロザウルス その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gorozaurusu (November 9 – 15, 1972)
Godman vs. Kamoebas and Folgon (ゴッドマン対カメーバ・フォルゴン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Kameeba – Forugon (December 7 – 13, 1972)
Godman vs. Dongolar (ゴッドマン対ドンゴラー その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Dongoraa (January 11 – 17, 1973)
Godman vs. Skeleton Man No.1 and Skeleton Man No.2 (ゴッドマン対スケルトマンNo.1・スケルトマンNo.2 その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Sukerutoman No.1 – Sukerutoman No.2 (January 18 – 24, 1973)
Godman vs. Sanda (ゴッドマン対サンダ その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Sanda (January 25 – 31, 1973)
Godman vs. Gaira (ゴッドマン対ガイラ その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Gaira (February 1 – 7, 1973)
Godman vs. Green-Mask (ゴッドマン対グリーンマスク その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Geriinmasuku (February 15 – 21, 1973)
Godman vs. Bat-Man (ゴッドマン対バットマン その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Battoman (February 22 – 28, 1973)
Godman vs. Tsunojiras (ゴッドマン対オストタム その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Tsunojirasu (March 8 – 14, 1973)
Godman vs. Totsaurus (ゴッドマン対トットザウルス その1 – その3) Goddoman Tai Tottozaurusu (March 15 – 21, 1973)
Godman vs. Stegojiras and Akumon (ゴッドマン対ステゴジラス・アクモン その1 – その6) Goddoman Tai Sutegojirasu – Akumon (April 5 – 11, 1973)
Shin Godzilla aka シン・ゴジラ aka Godzilla Resurgence
Categories: Cinema Articles Tags: March of Godzilla: Godman
Star Wars Expanded Universe craziness!
As we all know, the Star Wars sequels and spinoffs are coming along nicely, despite the sets attacking the actors. Is it a curse? Or has the Expanded Universe that will be discarded almost entirely by the new films taken mortal form and is now enacting desperate measures to try to stay alive? Certainly, that would be less dumb than actual things from the Star Wars Expanded Universe, which we will highlight below because laughing at dumb things is fun!
These are actual Star Wars Expanded Universe Canon things. Luckily, Star Wars EU has such a broad and multi-tiered definition of canon that almost everything is some sort of canon, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff or the stuff that has been declared not canon. So it’s time we looks at some of the goofy junk that may or may not be 100% real canon, before it is discarded in favor of long arguments about light sabers with fancy hilts. So this is like a retrospective, a fond farewell if you will. Except not really that fond for a few of these entries, because…well, you’ll see!
Before we begin, I will note that I’m not even going to touch the Wookieepedia articles on Breast, Brassiere, and Underwear, because they are their own jokes and anything I add will never compare to the actual articles. I’m also avoid the Star Wars Holiday Special, as it’s too obvious a target. But let’s get to the stuff that is from official Star Wars productions/merchandise, as that’s where the real money’s made…I mean, the real crazy canon stuff is!
You don’t want to know how I pee!
Irek Ismaren/Lord Nyax
If Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor was in the Star Wars universe, he’d be all “More power!” and grunt a lot before falling down the Death Star reactor well and blowing up the space station. But before he died (and thus saved the galaxy), he would first add a bunch of lightsabers to some random guy to make him more cool.
Irek Ismaren is said guy. He was he one of the Emperor’s concubines’ kids (which means we now have to visualize the Emperor having sex!), and they pumped him full of growth hormones until he was 9 feet tall, then installed lightsabers in his elbows, forearms, wrists, and knees. That’s eight lightsabers, for those of you keeping track at home! Not only that, but he got stabbed in the head, so his brain was replaced with a computer. Then he was put in stasis until he woke up years later with amnesia, killed him mom, is told he’s some Force ghost named Lord Nyax, and was ultimately hunted down and killed by Luke and some of his new jedis. At least until some idiot writes a book where he survived or has him pop up in the new canon books.
Irek Ismaren is dumb as heck, and also 90s as heck, with a bunch of weapons poking out of him in all directions and an effort to make him all cool as Wolverine. Instead, he just looks ridiculous and embarrassing. Good riddance to this jerk!
Robot Leia resolves this embarrassing chapter of the EU permanently
Trioculus
The Emperor had a kid (ANOTHER kid? Learn to wrap your wiener, Palpatine!), and he has three eyes. This story is so ridiculous you will roll all three of your eyes, but having three eyes is the most normal part of Trioculus’ tale. First of all, Trioculus was later retconned to not be Emperor Palpatine’s three-eyed son. Not because a three-eyed son of the Emperor is stupid, but because Trioculus is a pretender to being the Emperor’s three-eyed son, the real three-eyed son is a completely different character named Triclops. (Not to be confused with Tri-Klops from He-Man.) Trioculus began an obsessive quest for Darth Vader’s glove, which somehow would give him the leverage needed to prove that he should be the new Emperor. He had a rivalry with Jedi Prince Ken (yes, Ken), who turned out to be Triclops’ son with a Jedi Princess. Trioculus teamed up with Jabba’s father, Zorba the Hutt, which ended with Trioculus frozen in carbonite. Later freed, he hatched a complicated scheme to marry Princess Leia, but was foiled when Leia was replaced by a robot Leia, who promptly shot him in the chest with her robot eyebeams. The fact everything I just wrote is incredibly stupid, yet parts of it sound like various Episode 7 rumors, means Trioculus must die!
Here Trioculus prepares to kill some space whales, along with Captain Ahab, who is also somehow in the universe of Star Wars:
The Star Trek 4 Remake took a tragic twist...
I hate turtles, and I hate Jedi!
Gyaos Vader
Gamera is friend to all children, but his long-time foe Gyaos is a jerk to all children, and everyone else. Even space kids like Luke Skywalker, who Gyaos Vader fought long ago. Gyaos Vader was a powerful shapeshifter who had a thing for not liking Jedi, as evidenced by him kidnapping Obi-Wan Kenobi and holding him hostage on Kessel, until Luke Skywalker arrived and quickly killed Gyaos Vader dead.
These events happened in the Japanese Star Wars video game that was released in 1987. Not only is there Gyaos Vader, but there are three other fake monster Vaders: Clados Vader, Sasori Vader, and Wampa Vader!
Clados Vader was a pink shark that could shapeshift into Darth Vader, thus he stole C-3PO away to his water planet of Iskalon, because that’s what pink shapeshifting sharks do, apparently. Luke kills him, presumably while holding his breath, as those devices the Jedi use in Episode 1 hadn’t been invented yet.
At the same time a giant scorpion named Sasori Vader commandeered a sandcrawler, took the Jawa crew captive (as well as the previously captured R2-D2), and morphed into the form of Darth Vader in order to trap a young Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker killed him dead. Weird how Luke is going on a killing spree in this video game…
Wampa Vader was a shapeshifting Wampa who could also turn into Darth Vader. Thus, he stole Chewbacca and took him back to Hoth, at which point Luke had to go rescue him and murder Wampa Vader. Why Han Solo couldn’t go rescue Chewbacca I do not know, maybe he broke his leg or something. Or maybe he caught a horrible disease from Itchy, who looks like he has every parasite in the galaxy…
These video game bosses are sort of cheating, because even Wookipedia tries to dismiss them. But they fit right in with S-canon, which stands for Secondary Canon even though it should stand for Silly Canon. Let’s shoot this canon out of a cannon!
Luke, it is my nature!
The wailing-est jizz that ever jizzed!
Jizz
Stop laughing! Get your filthy mind out of the gutter, because Jizz isn’t what you think it is. Jizz is a type of music, the music that Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes were playing when Luke and Ben walked into the Cantina on Tatooine. Jizz instruments include the jizz, jizz-box, kloo horn, slitherhorn, ploong sounder, and peel rod. Why are you laughing again? You need to learn to respect jizz, people! Someone who plays jizz is referred to as a jizz-wailer. STOP LAUGHING! Oh, I give up. Let’s just flush Jizz down the toilet of Star Wars history!
Unidentified Alien (Desert Cave)
One thing I enjoy is arguing about on the internet is the canon of things that appear in commercials. Thus when Star Wars or Star Trek have aliens that pop up only in commercials, it’s time to start nerding out on which one is real and which one was just a dream. Thus, this guy, called Unidentified alien (desert cave) by Wookieepedia, gains special recognition because is he a Star Wars alien! Unidentified alien (desert cave) is actually an unused Mos Eisley Cantina alien design by Ron Cobb. The sketch appears in a 1998 calender and a few of the behind the scenes books, but beyond that there is no real information on if the costume was built for the movie and not used, or if it was made just for the commercial based on the unused drawing (which seems like a big expense!)
Unidentified alien (desert cave) eats the Star Wars cereal called C3POs, which was a real thing and I ate it as a kid (and I recall not liking it) Actually, refugees C-3PO and R2-D2 bribe Unidentified alien (desert cave) with C3POs to let them hide out in his cave while the Imperial Fleet bombards the planet. That’s actually very disturbing, untold thousands of people may have been killed in this childrens’ cereal commercial. But at least our heroes R2-D2 and C-3PO were saved thanks to the latter’s brilliant idea to glue Cheerios together. Hooray?
In any event, let’s flush C3POs down the toilet and into the sewer where they belong! Sorry, Unidentified alien (desert cave), you were just an innocent bystander, enjoy rebuilding the ruins of your civilization, and I hope the Imperial Stormtroopers didn’t stop by later to burn your cave down!
For some more commercial fun, check out this Star Wars Smoking PSA
Grouches were grumpy long before that darn cat!
Sesame Street is in Star Wars Canon
Everyone knows that C-3PO, Luke, R2-D2, and Chewbacca popped up on The Muppet Show, but did you know that Star Wars characters also ran around on Sesame Street? R2-D2 and C-3PO made two appearances on the show. In one, they delivered a message to Oscar the Grouch from a Grouch in space, Lothar. In the other, R2-D2 fell in love with a fire hydrant. Lothar was from the seventh moon of Zircon, and his message “Oscar the Grouch, get lost!” Oscar commented “What do you know? There is intelligent life in outer space.” There is another Grouch from space who also lives on the seventh moon of Zircon, Othmar the Grouch.
Luckily, even if Star Wars tries to erase the Grouches from history, the Sesame Street canon has not rebooted, so they will still exist! Take that, Disney!
The Fighting Trio of Colonel Sanders, Taco Bell Dog, and Pizza Hut Delivery Girl
Remember when Colonel Sanders took up a light saber to defend the galaxy against intergalactic terror? Well, that happened, and he was joined by the Taco Bell Chihuahua, and a random Pizza Hut Delivery Girl who I don’t think got a name. This was also the closest we ever got to Spaceballs‘s Pizza the Hutt joke becoming realized in the EU. The Defeat the Dark Side promotion came out in 1999, just in time to watch the three fast food mascots run around on Naboo and save the galaxy. In case you are wondering, the official website had biographies for the three characters, which Wookieepedia has expanded into official canon biographies:
Who wants to die…Extra Crispy?!
At age 65, armed with nothing more than determination, a bucket of chicken and a secret recipe, Colonel Harland Sanders started KFC and had the whole universe lickin’ its fingers a few years later. His reputation as a force to be reckoned with makes him a natural when it comes to showing the Dark Side who’s boss. Any Battle Droid messing with the Colonel had better watch out, because this time, he’s serving up a bucket full of pain.
I’ve fought Godzilla and the Empire for your taste buds!
A true dog of the people, the Chihuahua has tirelessly devoted his life to one thing – the pursuit of tacos. This kind of dedication has allowed him to heighten his natural skills of navigation, negotiation and general deviousness. Now he is putting his considerable talents to work fighting the ultimate evil in the universe. Because, he rationalizes, when the universe is free, the tacos are free. In the meantime, he’s confident he’ll get that Jedi mind trick to work eventually.
Despite my awesome resume, I don’t get a name besides Pizza Hutt Girl!
Before joining the Pizza Hut® force, this fighter for all that is covered with cheese and tomato sauce put in stints for Micro-Tech, inc. (as a hacker-er, hardware tester) and for 2-Rock Concert Promotions (“crowd control.”) She was schooled around the world, including stints in Hong Kong and Tunisia, before becoming the youngest female graduate from the Citadel.
Finally, at the ripe age of 23, she discovered her true calling – a position where her love for pizza and mastery of Tae Kwon Do collide. Now she’s out to share a little of her immense knowledge on the Dark Side. And if they don’t back off, a couple Sith Lords are gonna get a home delivery of suffering with extra agony.
Luckily, the series of commercials live on in blurry VHS form on YouTube, and also in our hearts…. I for one will be sad to see these characters wiped off the map when the universe is reset, at least until Disney teams up with fast food companies again! As a note, despite Pizza Hutt Girl not getting a name, she appears to have one in the storyboards – Alexis McCoy! Perhaps she’s related to Dr. Leonard McCoy, thus connecting the two universes!
The Energizer Bunny defeats Darth Vader
Yes, Darth Vader was defeated by a tiny bunny that just plays the drums. How did this guy rate Natalie Portman again? Or even become a galactic threat and be the Chosen One? In any event, the Energizer Bunny created a disturbance in the Force by having such a cool battery, and the Emperor ordered Vader to track him down. The two dueled at Cloud City, only for Vader to be foiled when his lightsaber ran out of power, because he was using rival Supervolt batteries! (Supervolt was a fake competitor used in Energizer’s promotional campaigns at the time). The Energizer Bunny would reappear in the Star Tours ride, establishing him in multiple canon branches.
Hey, if Rocket Racoon can work, why not Jaxxon???
Jaxxon
There is one other rabbit running around in the Star Wars EU — Jaxxon! I’m sort of cheating here because Jaxxon is actually awesome, but I need to include him because if I don’t, someone will comment below that I forgot Jaxxon. Well, here he is, so comment below about which characters I forgot who aren’t Jaxxon! Jaxxon is a character from the Marvel comics, he’s a giant green bunny rabbit called a Lepi who acts like Space Bugs Bunny (at one point he’s captured by bounty hunters Dafi and Remel Fud). I think he rules, and not just because I had the comics as a kid. Okay, having the comics as a kid probably helped, but still. He rules. Jaxxon was a loudmouth fighter who kicked the crap out of people who disrespected him because he looked by a bunny. He rockets around the galaxy doing heroic stuff and being a cool friend and shooting guns from both hands. Between Jaxxon, Jazz Jackrabbit, and Bucky O’Hare, we are batting 1000 on awesome green bunny heroes. Jaxxon better show up in the new movies, or I’ll just have to become an established director and get assigned to one of the new spinoffs and then put him in myself!
Bonus entry!:
The death of General Crix Madine
You might remember Crix Madine from Return of the Jedi blathering on about the stolen Imperial shuttle, and also some deleted scenes, but did you know he died because some Hutt dude shot him? And when Crix Madine died, he was like “Oh, really? I die like this? What stupid author thought this up?” I agree! RIP General Madine, you’ll be alive again when history gets erased.
Categories: Cinema Articles Tags: Star Wars
