Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet

Now this is good scifi! And good softcore! Finding a movie that has both is a rare feat, indeed. And this one is a blast! The plot is the standard Mars Need Women/Devil Girl From Mars fare, except it is Female Aliens Need Sperm. Thus...the softcore. We applaud Fred Olen Ray for this one! Sure, we have done a lot of these films by now, but as every entry is its own different genre, things keep from getting boring. The films are generally entertaining as well, putting them light-years ahead of some of the snooze-fests from Seduction Cinema such as the similarly named Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet or the lethargic thriller-type movies that also show up all the time on Skinimax yet rarely never giving a satisfying viewing experience. These films are fun for everyone! So bring on the fun.

Kim Read (Nicole Sheridan) - Your average college student with a libido overdrive, Kim realizes meeting two alien girls can probably get her higher grades at school, and maybe even fame. My favorite line of hers is bragging about her C-average to the two alien girls right after meeting them, it seems ad libbed and hilarious. Nicole Sheridan headlines a lot of these films, see her also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Gary (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) - Kim's man whose method of study doesn't translate well to making good grades. For some reason Voodoo has a goofy fauxhawk this time, which distinguishes his character from all the other Voodoo characters in these films. Said films are Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Annie (Syren) - Subordinate officer of the mission to Earth. Needs to be educated about males, but soon gains an enthusiasm for learning. Keeper of the milk jug. See Syren here as well in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, and Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle. Commander Danow (Christine Nguyen) - Commanding officer of the mission sent to get some Earth jizz. Helps educate her colleague as to the vile habits of the Earth male. Then she has sex with her. Oh, yeah! Do you get the joke in the name of the two Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet? Because it is the reason I listed them in this order. I'm not going to explain it, so there! See Christine Nguyen in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Professor Thomas Quatermass (Brad Bartram) - Professor of Astronomy who gives his students extra credit. He also works with the MIB agency for the government, because all astronomers fight aliens as well. We got a name drop to the British character who has been appearing since the 1950s. Brad Bartram is also in Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, and Bikini Airways. Decker (Evan Stone) - Evan Stone camps it up again, this time as a MIB agent assigned to go after the two alien girls. He also has time to get some tail on the side. Name drop is from Blade Runner, for the two of you who didn't get it. See Evan Stone in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. Queen Morganna (Rebecca Love) - Leader of Aqua-Terra, planet of women who love women. You don't wear shirts when you are the queen. You may have seen Rebecca Love in Itty Bitty Cheerleaders vs. the Big Boob Squad 2 or Debbie Does Dallas: East vs. West, or even # Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre, but you probably did see her in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini. Audrey Wagner (Michelle Lay) - Audrey Wagner is the 4H teacher at the university. Because all universities need 4H! Michelle Lay is also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini. Hobart (Ted Newsom) - Leader of the MIB who orders Decker to take down the Bikini Girls. That's all he does. Ted Newsom does bit parts in several of these bikini films, see him briefly also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini and Super Ninja Doll.

You wouldn't know it, but this is the filthiest picture on this site!

Son of Dracula

Bollywood horror is filled with ups and downs. Mostly downs. Every once in a while, you run into something so ridiculously stupid, it is awesome. Unfortunately, that was Shaitani Dracula, and we are now watching Son of Dracula, which is absolutely terrible. All of the fun of random dudes strolling around in dime store costumes is gone, instead we have a disco guy seducing random women, one of which gives birth to Son of Dracula, a doll that is waved around like it is the spookiest thing ever, and a statue looking like bigfoot that spends the entire film yelling. The main crime is none of that is any fun. It should be fun. It sounds like fun. But, brother, it ain't fun! I originally ordered this knowing nothing except what the vcd cover looked like, and it promised a vampire/Yoda thing. He is in here, but he isn't as fun as he looks. The lesson for today is disappointment, a harsh lesson I am tired of learning over and over again with more and more films. Luckily, the good jewels make up for the duds.

I am guessing the film was edited by caffeinated squirrels with ADD, due to the hap-hazard cuts, random scenes, and non-sensical anything. Nothing in this film makes the slightest bit of sense. Even if there were subtitles, this thing would be a mess, and the subtitles would probably end up having been stolen from a Harry Potter film. Bollywood horror has a complicated history covered by multiple sources, and a quick summary here would not do it justice. So we will just skip it and dive right into the film, because it doesn't take a detailed history of a country's movie culture to recognize that this film sucks. And at TarsTarkas.NET, we don't need no stinking subtitles, so we dive in unaided.

Thanks goodness!

What year this was made in is debatable, because it doesn't seem to be listed anywhere. The other problem is the cast list, I cannot conclusively link most of the actors to parts, largely due to my lack of finding good pictures or even any information at all about most of the cast. The actors list is credited as follows: Joginder, Raza Murad, Alaudeen Ferozm, Poonm Das Gupta, Sapna, Arif, Mahendrea Tiwari. Joginder is probably Joginder Shelly, and he has been called "the Badshaah of 70s B-grade films" as he was a popular over-acting villain. I am sure you know what Badshaah means, so moving on. Raza Murad is another popular villain character actor. Poonm Das Gupta is Poonam Das Gupta, and is probably Mom of Son of Dracula. Imagine that, a misspelling in the name of an actor in a B-movie. Shocking. I got nothing on any of the others. So there. Drop us a line if you have a clue.

Takul (???) - Disco Dracula, I guess. There is a constant cat yelping as he talks. He spends most of the film trying to seduce the random girls who sing songs while dancing in the rain or waterfalls that Bollywood films have taught me litter India like beer cans on the highway. He also seems to have a second good identity where he is a family man, I couldn't tell if he was supposed to be twins (with one evil) or just a secret identity as the evil guy. Even worse, he lives at the end and seems to be accepted by the innocent family. So, yeah... Inspector (???) - This police chief makes Chief Wiggum look like Sherlock Holmes. Many of his men get killed by a doll, and he is defeated by his clothes vanishing. Riggs and Murtaugh wouldn't put up with that crap, and just shoot Son of Dracula in the head, revolking his Puppet Immunity. Witch Doctor Jesus (???) - Witch Doctor Jesus comes complete with trident, and fights the forces of Son of Dracula and Angry Bigfoot Statue. He uses retro effects, waving of hands, and being freaking weird as powers. He also has sit-down talks with bad guys, showing the forgiving spirit of Jesus. This is far more accurate of a portrayal of Our Lord than Passion of the Christ. Mom of Son of Dracula (Poonam Das Gupta) - As the name implies, she is the Mom of the Son of Dracula. She loves striped socks, odd clothes, writhing around, and giving birth to freaky puppet doll monsters by video toaster effects. Basically, your average girl next door! Son of Dracula (A doll) - A freaking doll with a rubber mask is waved around by an off-camera dude, and that is the Son of Dracula that terrorizes people in this film like crazy. Every once in a while, Son of Dracula is actually played by a real guy wearing the mask, probably a kid. These rare instances stand out like a hobo at a millionaire’s ball. Despite Son of Dracula's immobile face and body, he is somehow able to kill around a dozen people thanks to his fangs and Son of Dracula magic. Angry Bigfoot Statue (A statue) - This statue never shuts up. All he does is yell and yell, and occasionally impregnate someone with the Son of Dracula. So I guess he is Dracula, except Dracula is not a statue, so he is more of a monster that the movie uses Dracula as the name for to get investors to pony up more dollars than Son of Angry Bigfoot Statue.

Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop

Japan's output of film is remarkable. They have taken to direct to video like it is crack cocaine, allowing for hundreds of cheaply produced films to flood the market, many of which are adult in nature. Their softcore industry is a monster of its own, complete with dozens of subgenres and long-running film series such as the Ninja Vixens movies (ten at last count) and erotic versions of many mainstream films. I hesitate to call Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki, aka Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop an erotic parody, because the films seemed to have forgotten the parody part and is instead just a slightly sexed up version of the big budget film done for 1/100th the price. It is hard to believe I spent so long looking for this film, thinking it would be a good companion piece to the Yo-Yo Girl Cop review. Instead, it is disappointing to say the least. There are some moments of charm, but all in all the film is slow and boring, slightly disturbing, and will never be watched again.

Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki) is not the only erotic version of Yo-Yo Girl Cop (Sukeban Deka: kôdo nêmu = Asamiya Saki) to come out in that film's wake, the hardcore porn Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki was another example. Where as Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop merely stars an AV actress and has simulated sex, Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki is filled with hardcore sex. In addition, Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop is not even the first softcore knock-off of the Sukeban Deka franchise, Mototsugu Watanabe's Sexy Battle Girls (Nerawareta gakuen: seifuku o osou) - aka Sukepan deka: kawaii meiki preceded this film by many years. Having not seen that film, which starred Kyôko Hashimoto, I can't accurately compare the two. More info on the two other Sukeban Deka erotic versions mentioned in this paragraph are at the end of the review, along with poster art.

So now we can jump right into Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki), written and directed by Daigo Udagawa. The film stars Mihiro Taniguchi as Saki Moromie, and follows much of the basic storyline from its inspiration, though it ditches the boring website cult storyline and just runs with a prostitution ring, government corruption, and the schoolgirl forced to investigate by a secret agency in order to save her jailed mother. The film copies the poster art, the uniform style, and some smaller details, but is limited by the small budget as to what they could do on film.

Let's meet the cast!

Saki Moromie (Mihiro Taniguchi) - Saki Moromie is your normal teenage Japanese girl whose mom is a crack fiend. To free her, Saki must work for the secret government agency that arms girls with yo-yos and sends them after criminal syndicates. Just like that other movie that came out recently. The yo-yo is kept in a special holster set into the crotch of crystal panties. Just imagine all the goofy sexual innuendo possibilities, especially with a pervy country like Japan making this film. Mihiro Taniguchi started out as a nude model and eventually became an AV star. She has recently starred in a few more mainstream movies, including the film you are now reading about. Asuka (Shô Nishino) - Saki gets a friend, the popular and hot Asuka, who shows her the ropes and is the first person ever to be kind to Saki (after beating her up.) So of course she is soon to die. Shô Nishino is also an AV star Reiko (Rio Nakamura) - Teacher and evil slore who dreams of running the school's prostitution program herself. Somehow, this involves killing some of the most popular prostitutes. I don't get it. Whatever. Jealous of Saki's good looks. Rio Nakamura is another AV star. So many of these Japanese actresses in the softcore films turn out to be AV stars. It is amazing. Headmaster (???) - The Headmaster runs the school and the giant prostitute ring that it encloses, but he is an idiot and keeps way to many records, plus squeals like a pig in the slightest whiff of him getting caught. He has probably confessed his crimes to a toll booth collector after missing some change. I do not know who played him. Politician (Seiji Nakamitsu) - All politicians are slime buckets, but this one is nothing but bucketless slime. All horrible goo, no containment. His public face is one of caring, but his private face (hidden behind a mask) is killing schoolgirls after he sexes them up. Japanese politicians are more efficient on their perversions, throwing several in the basket at the same time. A biography of frequent Pinku star Seiji Nakamitsu can be found here. Saki's partner (???) - Saki has a partner in her special police squad, but all he does is stand around looking clueless and depressed, like he wants to talk to saki but is too afraid of girls to say anything. He is nothing like his counterpart in the original movie. I do not know who played him. Nerdy Guy (???) - He may be named something like Sapei, he is the first to befriend Saki in her new school after she defends him from those gross girls and their scary vaginas. But his affection is pathetic and interfering with her bad girl persona, so she treats him like dirt. He keeps coming back for more. I do not know who played him.