Every Lifetime movie turns into Orange is the New Black.
When the blood goes bad, suddenly you have a DNA match for a serial killer who is also your stalker and frames you for murders! Damn, better keep an eye on the expiration dates! Luckily, our heroine Lauren Malone fights back against this evil man who wants to destroy her and her her motorcycle customizing business. Take that, random psycho! Bad Blood is the flick’s name, and being a movie Lifetime bought the rights to have the premiere is its game! Let’s not get into how this whole DNA match thing makes no sense, and hopefully gets explained better than the synopsis does.
Lauren Malone is happy with the life she’s built: her own place, a steady job customizing motorcycles, and a good man in Sheriff Church. While her past might have been a bit rocky, she has more than made up for it. But everything in Lauren’s life changes when the police come knocking on her door… and arrest her for murder. Lauren has no alibi, and her blood is all over the crime scene. What Lauren doesn’t know is that a serial killer named Oscar has developed an obsession with her… and that he has an exact match for Lauren’s DNA. Oscar helps her escape from custody, but Lauren slips through his fingers when she realizes who he is. Lauren finds herself caught between a psychopath determined to take her prisoner and a manhunt led by Sheriff Church. With nowhere else to turn, Lauren seeks help from her estranged ex-con father Ray, and the two team up to find a way to clear Lauren’s name… before Oscar has the chance to kill again.
Bad Blood stars Taylor Cole (April Fool’s Day), Jeff Kober (Tank Girl), Billy Miller (American Sniper), Carly Chaikin (In a World…), Brett Rickaby (Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt ), and Christine Adams (TRON: Legacy ). It’s directed by Adam Silver (The 7 Adventures of Sinbad, a lot of cinematography work) and written by Ryan Rothmaier (his first feature writing credit, a lot of editing work)
Bad Blood premieres Saturday, March 28th on Lifetime!
aka 九月初九之重見天日 aka Shyly Spirit aka Pa xiu gui 1991 Written by Jeng Man-Wa
Directed by Chong Yan-Gin Shy Spirit is about one thing, which is a nude ghost girl. The film then sets up a nice and ridiculous scenario to get the nude ghost girl, who is nude far less than you would expect for this being a movie about a nude ghost girl. Despite the nude ghost girl being the draw, Shy Spirit is not one of those smutty Cat III ghost films. Though it’s a spooky comedy, like many Hong Kong films the tone will jump around, daring to become suddenly serious or becoming a well-choreographed action film before jerking right back to the comedy.
Shy Spirit also isn’t very good. It takes too long to set up the complicated plot, which then rambles around a while. Large portions of the film focus on Long-Life like he’s supposed to be the hero, even though he does all sorts of bad things like inadvertently kill Hsio, turning her into the “shy spirit” of the title. Sing ends up becoming the hero, though he Shy Spirit features rival families and innocent people who are caught in the crossfire. The Wang family and the Ko family are rivals, dating back to when both patriarchs were chasing after the same girl as youth, Mrs. Hu. She ended up choosing neither of those idiots, instead picking a sickly guy. All three families have kids at the same time, Mr. Wang celebrates the birth of his son Sing, Mr. Ko celebrates the birth of his son Long-Life, and Mrs. Hu celebrates the birth of her daughter, Hsio. This means another generation of the rivalry. Not only that, but it’s time to tell the fortunes of the three babies, thanks to a traveling priest and his hopping assistant. The priest is Lam Ching-Ying essentially playing his one-eyebrow priest character from the Mr. Vampire movies, and the fortune for Long-Life is more of a misfortune – he’ll age rapidly and probably die at age 23. But if he doesn’t, he’ll live a long life. Also he’ll be weak during the full moon. Does that make him a were-weakling? Strangely, he gets the bad fortune, even though other bad stuff happens. Read more…
Hideous sun demons are cool, but not as cool as hideous Run DMCs! Yes, that pun is very bad and probably caused someone reading it to curl into a ball and die, but that’s the price we all pay to get alerted to new RiffTrax VODs! This time we get The Hideous Sun Demon, a legend in people who watch old black and white monster movies circles. Since you can’t see it the way it was meant to be seen (at a drive in while you are paying more attention to making out with your date than the movie), see it the way it’s now meant to be seen, with RiffTrax commentary!
This is the tale of a man who transforms into a violent lizard creature whenever he’s in the sun too long. No, he’s not the third wheel love interest in an upcoming Twilight reboot, he’s The Hideous Sun Demon!
It’s the late 50s, a time when exposure to radiation still caused fun stuff, like superpowers and shape-changing, as opposed to less fun stuff, like, y’know, death. After some radioactive material falls off the toy train the scientists use to transport it through the lab (actual plot point, not a joke) mild-mannered genius drunk Dr. Gilbert McKenna is changed forever. Sunlight turns him into a reptile man-monster, presumably because that’s the rubber suit that was cheapest to rent when they made this movie. But not cheap enough for them to rent the bottom part of the suit, apparently, because he runs around in totally soaked khaki pants for roughly half the movie. Why are his pants so wet? That’s just part of the mystery!
It’s a superhuman dose of old-fashioned nuclear mutation fun, stay out of direct sunlight and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Hideous Sun Demon!
There’s a littler Rear Window to our soul in everyone…
Stalked by My Neighbor has Lifetime break out a masterpiece of genre mashups, with Rear Window, crazy stalker movies, American Beauty, and suspense up the yin yang! The best part is, the actual stalker is the protagonist, Jodi Allen, who is a victim of home invasion caught on Skype and now takes photos of her neighbors all days. This leads to clues to a murder and conspiracies and soon the bodies are piling very high, which means their subdivision will probably have to up the Homeowners Association fees to make up for the slack of the new empty units. That’s just another reason why Homeowners Associations are terrible. Also murder and stalking is terrible, almost as much as HOAs. Almost.
Jodi Allen and her mother Andrea moved to suburbia to help Jodi recover from a traumatic home invasion. But when 18-year-old Jodi, while taking photos out her bedroom window, sees a sinister shadow across the street, she panics. Has her nightmare returned? Determined to take action, Jodi goes on a mission to warn her neighbors and find out the truth, only to discover that the shadow may be stalking her.
Stalked by My Neighbor stars Amy Pietz (Stalked at 17), Kelcie Stranahan (Dirty Teacher), Katrina Norman (Fired Up!), Grant Harvey (Jersey Shore Shark Attack)
Stalked by My Neighbor is written and directed by Lifetime vet Doug Campbell (Sugar Daddies, Death Clique, all the “at 17” movies), and as Campbell’s pedigree is awesome this will be a fun exploitative ride! It airs Saturday, March 28, on Lifetime!
2008 Written by Carlos Perez, Ted Chalmers, and Novin Shakiba
Directed by Ron Karkoska
Thrill as Metal Man checks his blind spots!
Metal Man looks suspiciously like another super hero who has a movie in 2008… Who could it be? I just can’t place it…Punisher? Metal Man actually is a mockbuster in the vein of the films from The Asylum, except I don’t know if that was the original concept. It looks like a fan film turned original production, and has all the hallmarks of a fan film. Bad acting, sound problems all over (you can’t hear a lot of the dialogue without turning the volume up a lot), pacing problems, the script seems made up as they go along, characters disappear, and characters go places just because they are required to by the plot. Overall, it is not very much worth your time, unless you are on a mission to track down all the weird low-budget super hero flicks that have popped up in the past decade.
Science, it’s so boooooring!
Kyle (Samuel Nathan Hoffmire) – Kyle is some video game dork who is chosen by a professor with an agenda to become trapped in a metal suit for the rest of his life. Poor Kyle, I feel sorry for him. Kyle has become…
Metal Man (Samuel Nathan Hoffmire) – He’s Metal Man, not made of Iron but of Metal! Don’t sue us, because he’s totally different! Just look at his face, designed at the Iron Man suit for alien Greys. Kyle can’t take off this suit, but the film doesn’t say how he pees. Expect Metal Man to be really rusty, really soon! Someone install a spigot!
Dr. Blake (Reggie Bannister) – His real name is Peter Hamilton, but Dr. Blake is one of the lead developers of the special metal helmet that gives people super powers. He wants to develop it as a non-weapon. Right. Has no qualms with trapping unwilling participants in the suit forever. Killed by a punch to the jaw, but downloaded himself in the computer of the Metal Man suit so he can annoy Kyle for as long as he lives. Totally not named after any Thor character you are thinking about. Not at all…
Sebastian (P. David Miller) – He’s evil! How evil? He looks like Kevin Costner…if he was EVIL! Imagine, if he was an evil Postman! An evil Waterworld! An evil Robin Hood! An evil Field of Dreams! Totally evil! Like all evil people, he is incredibly rich, and has advanced lab equipment in the basement of his mansion, along with many goons to kill whoever he wants.
Marissa Lee (Jill Shackelford) – Her research scientist father was killed, and Sebastian told her Dr. Blake did it. She later finds out the truth. Sebastian paid for her to go to grad school, then hires her to examine a captured Metal Man helmet. Later becomes trapped in a helmet as well.
Mecha-Terror M48 (???) – With a name like Mecha-Terror M48, you’d think this would be a cool villain, not a gimmick brought out for a quick fight with no back story. You’d be wrong. Mecha-Terror M48 wishes he was the ED-209 of Metal Man, but fails to even be those Robocop 2’s that killed themselves.
Hallmark Channel’s new movie Portrait of Love (formally known as Heart of the Matter) is that old chestnut about a woman from the big city who returns all successful to her small town and yet suddenly is pulled in by that love junk and may end up throwing it all away for some dude she dated in high school. Just take a look at your high school dates on Facebook and where they are now to see how likely that prospect is (YEESH!)
A prominent fashion photographer returns to her small town roots at the request of a friend. Surrounded by both memories and loved ones, she must consider a choice between a successful future and rekindling both the love of her life and of her home.
Can’t women have both? Nope, you gots to be choosing one or the other, sorry. Them’s the rules!
Portrait of Love stars Bree Williamson (A Beginner’s Guide to Snuff) as April Littleton, Jason Dohring (Prehysteria! 2) as Luke Dwyer, Frances Fisher (Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva La Fiesta!) as Doll Dwyer, Ella Thomas (Surrogates) as Julia Robbins, Corbin Bernsen (Christian Mingle) as Tyler Mason, Caitlin Carmichael (Wiener Dog Internationals) as Jess Dwyer, Cassius Willis (Lakeview Terrace) as Frank Robbins, and Cissy Wellman (Jane Doe: Vanishing Act) as Karen Waverly.
Portrait of Love is directed by K.T. Donaldson (High Plains Invaders). It is written by Michael Votel, Jr., Matt Marx (This seems to be the first film written for both), and Jennifer Notas (Christmas Under Wraps) It premieres March 14th on Hallmark Channel!