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aka Kamogawa Horumo
2009
Directed by Katsuhide Motoki
Based on the novel by Manabu Makime
All of us who have been to college know the excitement of the day where all the clubs get to set up tables and try to convince people to join up. Chess Club, Young Democrats, Free Tibet, that club that build a solar car, and the club where you command armies of demons to battle other demons. What, your school didn’t have a Horumo Club? They’re the greatest thing ever if you like CGI demon sprites (called Oni) beating each other with clubs while the human controllers make weird gestures commanding the troops. I commanded a Horumo squad back in my days at Mizzou and we won all sorts of battles: the Battle of the University Bookstore, the Battle of the 7-11 near campus, the Battle of Jesse Hall, the Battle of Stop Raising Our Damn Tuition, the last one being more of a riot than a battle and demons in riot gear had to be bussed in from East Hades.
But, still, Horumo battling was the fourth best time of my life, behind only my marriage, writing for this site, and the time I found a green ring and became a lantern or something.
Battle League Horumo is from Japan, because Japan specializes in stories about humans controlling various tiny things in battle with each other. That and cartoon seizure robots. BLH (as I’ll call it from now on because laziness rules) is based on a book by Manabu Makime that I haven’t read because I can only read Japanese children’s books.
BLH suffers from one major flaw – it is totally slow. The plot drags on and on. I am not sure how they got it to drag so slowly as Japan seems to specialize in films clocking in at barely over an hour. But BLH manages to be two hours long! Looks like Korea is influencing cinema again. So if you got a movie where people control CGI demon sprites, shouldn’t you show the freaking sprites before 50 minutes into the movie? But don’t let me complaining in the intro satisfy your urge, let’s complain as the movie unfolds!
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Akira Abe (Takayuki Yamada) - Akira Abe is just a college freshman who gets dragged into the world of Horumo due to his stomach and his wang. And while his stomach gets full, his wang never gets the satisfaction of being inside Kyoko Sawara like it wants to. But as he ends up with Chiaki Kuriyama, he can’t complain. SPOILERS! |
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Fumi Kusunoki (Chiaki Kuriyama) - I find Chiaki Kuriyama more fitting for the hot babe role played by Sei Ashina, even with the glasses and wig, but Japan seems to be suffering from “girl with glasses = ugly” syndrome so popular in the US. They explain her look as that of some 80′s comedienne referred to as the “licking lady.” I have no idea if this is a real person or just a joke from the book that made it into the movie. It probably doesn’t really matter, but maybe at some point five years from now someone will read this review and leave a comment with the answer. And minds will be blown. In any event, if you don’t know who Chiaki Kuriyama is, then you probably don’t belong on the internet because this is nerd knowledge of the most basic degree. |
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Koichi Takamura (Gaku Hamada) - Akira’s buddy from America who gets dragged into this Horumo business despite being the kind of person who cracks under pressure. Getting punished by the gods is just another Thursday for Takamura. |
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Kyoko Sawara (Sei Ashina) - Kyoko Sawara is the hot babe of the group. She’s Akira’s crush, but then he finds out her terrifying secret – she’s dating a jerk. Maybe he should have asked her out in the year or so he had where they were just friends. You might have seen Sei Ashina in the movie Silk, but then again, no one saw that movie. |
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Mitsuru Ashiya (Takuya Ishida) - The bad boy of the group because he is angry. I didn’t even know he was supposed to be a main character until 2/3rds of the way into the film. And thats with all the extra padding they put in that was supposed to add flavor and characterization. |
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Makoto Sugawara (YosiYosi Arakawa) - The current head of the club, 499th president. He takes charge of everything and is in a lot of the movie, but we don’t really get a feel for just who Makoto Sugawara is. Someone who writes songs about rainbows? A lover? A dreamer? Me? |
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Future X-Cops
aka Mei loi ging chaat
2010
Directed and written by Wong Jing
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The background spinning enrages me!
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Future X-Cops is a mixed bag, a film that is part-action, part-comedy, part-drama, part-romance. We got robot guys, time travel, yelling kids, loved ones dying, weird slapstick, a dude with a microwave on his head, a guy who is trapped in a TV, an insect cyborg gang, a giant industrial machine, a cyborg cat lady, and hundreds of cops murdered. It’s all part of Wong Jing’s strategy of throwing the whole buffet against the wall and hoping it turns into a Monet painting. But instead we get more of a Thomas Kinkade.
When Future X-Cops was first announced, it was announced as the title Future Cops, which instantly made everyone think it was a remake of Wong Jing’s Future Cops, especially since Wong Jing was writing and directing this one. But as more details came out, suddenly the film was titled Future X-Cops and bared little resemblance to Future Cops except ripping off the basic plot of cops from the future being sent back in time to protect someone from being killed by bad guys.
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In the future, gas shortages lead to go-kart madness!
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It has been nice seeing Hong Kong start to pump out some more SciFi movies, but between this and Kung Fu Cyborg we have a ways to go before Hong Kong becomes a SciFi action mainstay. But some day they’ll produce things on par with I Love Maria again!
Like recent movie Beauty on Duty, there are a bajillion production companies and a bajillion producers for this flick. At this point, anyone with a spare $5 can be a Hong Kong producer and you can just have your named added to the wall of text during the opening credits.
Originally I was going to write a short version of this review, but the more I kept watching, the more I kept getting confused and angry and weirdly entertained, but not at the parts I should be entertained at. Thus, the review now is pretty long. Feel free to skip reading it and just look at the pictures, I’m under no delusions that 90% of you don’t do just that anyway. This text is just for us cool 10%ers. You know, the ones who are awesome.
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Every one of these characters miss
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Kidd Zhao (Andy Lau Tak-Wah) – He’s a cop, he’s from the future, and he’s an x. Whatever that means. But it does mean he’s a Future X-Cop! He’s also a robot, which sorts of makes up for his awful name. Andy Lau was in Future Cops besides being in Future X-Cops, making him the expert of Wong Jing films involving cops and futures. |
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Holly Wang (Barbie Hsu Hsi-Yuan) – Holly Wang is a cop from the present who likes Kidd Zhao, but he can’t like her back because then history will change and JFK will marry Hitler or something. So instead Holly Wang has to just be sad and look pale. So, so pale. |
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Kalon (Fan Siu-Wong) – Kalon is a evil cyborg guy who used to have a whole gang of cyborgs until Kidd Zhao killed most of them. Kalon’s crab claw cyborg stuff are upgraded to wings, snake arms, and other goofy stuff. Fan Siu-Wong was just on TarsTarkas.NET in Beauty On Duty, but he just couldn’t stay away! |
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Fiona (Tang Yi-Fei) - Kalon’s girl is a cyborg cat lady! She also goes back in time with her man so when they’re defeated by Kidd Zhao they’ll die together. Tang Yi-Fei is having so much fun being an evil cyborg cat lady it’s awesome. Just enjoy her over-acting cat moves and ridiculous smile as she does her moves. |
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Kiki Zhao (Xu Jiao) – Hey, that boy from CJ7 is a girl now! Kidd Zhao brings his daughter back in time with him for some reason because I guess they don’t have laws against bringing your relatives into harm’s way in the future. |
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Millie (Fan Bing-Bing) – Speaking of relatives in harm’s way, Kidd Zhao’s wife was also a x-cop in the future. Notice how I used the past tense? That’s because she won’t make it past the 20 minute mark! |
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After The Dark Knight, there was nowhere for the franchise to go but down
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Dangerous Passions
2006
Directed by Woquini Adams
Written by Ashley Nielsen
Another softcore flick from Woquini Adams, this time written by Ashley Nielsen, who also wrote the Woquini Adams flick Deviant Passions. It must be tough to be a Hollywood writer who only writes for films with “Passions” in the title directed by Woquini Adams. But if Woquini Adams directs Passions of the Christ, you got it made! Now, we are not certain Woquini Adams and Ashley Nielsen are real people, but if they are, good luck to them. I’ve seen some awful films of this nature over the years, and this is certainly not one of the awful ones.
One thing this film does have (besides naked boobs of the breasts variety) is lots of coin collector nerdage. As a former coin collector who still has a bunch of old coins stashed in my mom’s attic, the language was like a warm familiar blanket. But no one has ever murdered me over my coins…yet!
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Detective Walt Hodges (Randy Spears) – Hodges is the detective who is always on the case. He never gets taken off the case by a yelling boss. Maybe he should start playing by his own rules or something. But he catches the bad guys regardless so I guess that’s okay. Randy Spears is a mega porn star who has also moved on to directing porn. Randy Spears has probably had more sex in the time it took you to read this review than you will have this year. |
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Darlene Stern (Jezebelle Bond) – Secretary for Floyd Winslow who wants to help run his music producer business, thus she’s sleeping with him. Attempts to take over the business after his death. Because more and more strung out as the movie progresses. Jezebelle Bond has juggled more balls than a circus clown in such films as The Boobs of Hazzard 2, Lezbo a Go-Go, and When the Boyz Are Away the Girlz Will Play 11 |
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Janice Winslow (Julia Kruis) – the wife of the late Floyd Winslow, former Miss Texas, and accused golddigger. She then becomes a target so Detective Hodges can give her some police protection. If you know what I mean. Julia Kruis was in Wild Child 2 as Julie Skiru.
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Lorraine Lewis (Wendy Rice) - Walt Hodges TV reporter girlfriend who gets him in trouble because she’s good at her job. |
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Floyd Winslow (Danny Pape) – A suicide…NOT! Investigation of the murder turns into a sexy mystery that you might take a few minutes to figure out before you just keep watching for the sex. |
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Gloria Bradly (Nikita Cash) – A tennis instructor and sometimes lesbian lover. Nikita Cash is an adult actress who has been nailed more than Christ in such films as A Midsummer Night’s Cream, Stop! My Ass Is on Fire!, and Throbin Hood. |
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Derek Dembro (Dick Smothers Jr.) – washed up former rocker trying to get Floyd Winslow to produce his next album. Also implicated in Floyd’s death. Dick Smothers Jr. is the son of Dick Smothers from the Smothers Brothers fame, who went into the adult business under his real name. At this time he has left adult films, but when he was in them he was in two of the Sex Trek films, Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4 and Sex Trek: Charly XXX. |
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Greg Hampton (Ben Gold) – Coin Guy, you coiny mofo! Coin Guy loves coins. He loves them so much, he pays lots of money for them. All cash, under the table. Coin Guy’s arch enemy is IRS Audit Man! His favorite color is red and his favorite fish is herring. |
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Captain Vogel (Daryl Burq Pearson) – Hey, this Captain doesn’t yell at the cops and take them off the case! We need more case taking offing action! |
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Mr. Jenkins (Bill Hindley) – Mr. Jenkins is the nosy neighbor who is currently peeping on your wife in the shower. And taking notes. And video taping it. And uploading it to YouTube. And calling the cops on your wife for wasting so much water. Why does your wife shower so long? It is probably because she likes Mr. Jenkins peeping on her.
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Insatiable Obsession
2006
Directed by Woquini Adams
Ghosts are common in softcore films because they can be brought in rather cheaply and still make erotic stories that aren’t boring. They also tap into the “love from beyond the grave” vibe that is popular with romance types. We pretty much know why we’re here, so I can’t really give a nice long opening discussion. Especially since I can’t find much information about Woquini Adams, but there is one more Woquini Adams movie in the pipeline.
All the sex scenes are loud vocal affairs. So if you like noise, this is the movie for you. If you also like weird ghost story movies, this is the movie for you. If you like sepia tones this is the movie for you. If you like movies about house repair guys who go nuts and tie people up, this is the movie for you. If you like movies about frogs who eat beans, this is not the movie for you. I am still looking for that movie. But I will find it one day, and it will be glorious.
So have ghost women told you stuff about their murder and then joined in during sex with your wife? Because I can imagine that being rather annoying. Who wants female Slimer in the bedroom? Get out, ghost lady! And stop showing me where treasure is buried! I got enough treasure lying around the house.
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Colin Blake (Sean Juergens) – Husband, writer. Like all writers, Colin can’t write unless his in in some very specific circumstances: 1- Colin must have 1 glass of white wine and 1 glass of red wine. 2- Colin must use a typewriter because only real writers use typewriters. 3- Colin must be at a Starbucks so people can see him typing on his typewriter. 4- Colin must be wearing a red shirt with green pants and a pink scarf. 5- Colin must never use the letter “e” in any of his stories. 6- Colin can only write 3 sentences at a time before he must play computer Solitare. 7- You must never discuss with Colin “How’s the story coming?” or Colin will stab you in the thigh. Sean Juergens is somewhere in Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise. |
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Winn Blake (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) - Colin’s lovely wife who is totally obsessed with getting away from it all into a random house in a random town. And also falling asleep waiting for her husband to stop writing and have sex with her. Before she was married to this writer guy, Amy Lindsay was all about having sex in airplanes as you can see in Bikini Airways |
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Kate (Chloe) – The real estate agent in charge of showing the house who somehow is also in charge of showing the house off to prospective renters, which I would think sort of makes it hard to sell the house while random people are staying there. I guess that is why I am not a real estate agent. That, and I don’t like lying to people and setting up housing bubbles that destroy the economy. I am sure you have figured out that Chloe’s singular name means she is a porn star, because she is. Chloe has seen more wiener than Oscar Meyer in such films as Zorho Meets the Mob, Poon Raider, and Buttwoman vs. Buttwoman. |
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Ketcher (William Lawson) - Is in the rye. A crazy home repair guy who is obsessed with finding the treasure in the house, to the point where he sabotages things and even takes people by gunpoint and forces them to get it on while staring all creepily. |
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Stella (Monique Parent as Monique Harlowe) – It’s a ghost! Someone call the Ghostbusters! Stella doesn’t quite understand she’s dead and is still wandering around her house solving the mystery of her death, which isn’t a mystery because DUH she was killed by her crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband. What’s next, John Wilkes Booth’s ghost wandering around the White House trying to find out who killed Lincoln? Monique Parent was also in Voodoo Dollz and a bajillion other softcore films. |
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Makin
aka The Vampire
????
Directed by ????
Makin’ what? Bacon? Cookies? Babies? Probably babies, as that’s what several of the characters attempt to do in a roundabout faction.
Makin is an obscure as frak Thai film that is sort of unique in the Asian vampire genre in that the vampires are solely Western-style vampires! No one is hopping around, no one has their head flying off and zooming around while their guts hang low. It’s all traditional Dracula. I could go on about how there are a limited number of Western Vampires in Eastern Vampire films (most notably in Vampire vs. Vampire and The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) but most people reading this are so far under a false assumption there will be pictures of naked Thai chicks down below. In fact, there are only pictures of semi-naked Thai chicks, or naked Thai chicks with strategically placed objects. So for the big Eastern/Western vampire discussion you’ll have to wait until I get around to actually reviewing Vampire vs. Vampire, which could happen one day since I own it.
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The best widescreen money can buy!
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You might not be surprised to know that there is a plethora of low-budget softcore films produced in Thailand (which has a reputation as a sex tourist destination) but as most of them (at least the ones available on eThaicd.com) are barely-there plots about dudes seducing chicks and other boring things that would barely rate a Skinimax softcore film. But even in the boring masses there are a few wacky gems. Previously we’ve run across weird Thai softcore flick Hidden 2002, a movie about loose women at a hotel and the men who secretly video tape them. Finding out information on Thai films in general is almost impossible, and softcore films are talked about even less. And obscure crazy softcore crap like this you have a better chance of tapdancing with a shark than finding out info about this (unless you are fluent in Thai, and even then you will probably have troubles.) Makin is a production of the Prohand Production Group (who’s symbol is a thumbs up! Someone tell Roger Ebert!) and Prohand Home Video. They aren’t anti-hand, they are prohand.
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YOU are the reason Edward Cullen won’t return my fan letters!
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Oh, subtitles? Forget it! But TarsTarkas.NET don’t need no stinking subtitles! We also don’t need to know who the heck the actors are, so here are all the notable characters (pretty much every character minus one)
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Makin (???) – Makin is a Vampire who looks amazingly like Dracula but is totally not Dracula because Dracula would never be this lazy. He’s the laziest mofo in the universe. |
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Cool Guy (???) – Cool Guy is the main male character who is a totally cool, as shown by the fact he has sunglasses, a motorcycle, and a girl who puts out. Thus, he gets to kill Makin, who was makin’ the beast with two backs with his girl Dah. |
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Red Hair (???) - Red Hair is one of Cool Guy’s buddies who works on motorcycles and does nothing else until Cool Guy decides he needs some buddies to go all Monster Squad on Makin. |
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Bandanna (???) – Bandanna is Cool Guy’s other buddy, the one who looks like he could also be cool if he had a motorcycle and a girl who puts out, but he doesn’t so he is not as cool. |
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Mattei (???) – Mattei is a geeky guy who lives in a shack behind a house filled with hot chicks, and becomes the thrall of Makin or something. This means Makin yells at Mattei in his head until Mattei seduces some women so Makin can have sex with them. So basically the bonus to being a vampire thrall is you get migraines! Maybe I am a vampire thrall, except my migraines are only slightly related to a vampire yelling at me. |
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Priest A Don (???) – It is nice to know that priests in Thailand are just as screwy about sexuality as priests in America. Even if this is a fictional priest made perverted for comedic purposes. |
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Dah (???) - Dah is Cool Guy’s best girl, and she becomes the target of Makin because she lives in the house of hot chicks. |
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Pau (???) - Pau is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style. |
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Mitta (???) – Mitta is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style. |
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Landlord (???) – Eh, everyone else was getting a listing, so might as well give him one as well. I am guessing he is supposed to be the dad to the three girls or something, but it is more fun to pretend he just rents his house out to a bunch of hot chicks and a creepy dude. And since no one will ever write about this film in English again there is no one to stop me! MuHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! |
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Assault Girls
aka Asaruto garuzu
2009
Written and Directed by Mamoru Oshii
Hot chicks shooting up giant sand whales in a post apocalyptic future should be an easy sell. Except for the fact the film isn’t really about that and is instead just a video game level. The film is short as heck, but that doesn’t stop it from being filled with lots of padding from the worst opening narration experience since Alone in the Dark to many scenes of people just walking in the desert.
Add the above to the fact the women speak badly accented English muffled behind breathing masks and we got a film that is more annoying than anything else. Luckily, parts of the film are just in Japanese, and thanks to our impatient nature we have the import DVD cuz we aren’t gonna wait for it to finally get around to having an official US release. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!
The film is connected to Mamoru Oshii’s 2001 film Avalon, as the game the players are playing is Avalon(f), and there are references to other established canon from the Avalon film. Mamoru Oshii is probably best known in the west for directing Ghost in the Shell, one of the films that everyone who was into anime talked about all the time until I started ignoring everyone who was into anime. Now I just ignore everyone, because I’m too cool for school ::puts on shades::
Instead of being cool and dealing with the fact there is a movie filled with hot chicks fighting monsters, Assault Girls instead tries to impress us, then tries to give us a feast for the eyes, and finally delivers the goods. Except the only impression is of boring psychobabble, the feast for the eyes is more like a famine, and the goods arrive late and in small quantities. I can’t recommend enough that you don’t bother with Assault Girls. The best thing I can say about it is that it was mercifully short. But don’t take my word for it, follow along for yourself!
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Gray (Meisa Kuroki) – Player 0251, spends much of the film cruising around in her jet and posing in the desert. Finally gets around to organizing the Assault Girls into a raiding party. It is almost as if she forgot how MMORPGs work. (She is probably really a male 43 year old divorced Lowes employee with Aspergers.) Meisa Kuroki is a Japanese model/actress who is starting to hit the big time. |
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Lucifer (Rinko Kikuchi) - Player 0666, who rarely speaks and spends most of her scenes dancing. Can transform into a bird so she’s probably a big fan of Animorphs. (She’s probably really an 11 year old boy with Aspergers.) Rinko Kikuchi was nominated for an Oscar. And now she’s in this. Holy Linda Hunt, Batman! |
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Colonel (Hinako Saeki) – Player 0266, a friend of snails. Always dressed in red, so you can tell the girls apart. Or maybe it is like Power Rangers… Anyway, she commands a robot thing at one point, something we can all aspire to. I command robots all the time (this is actually true) because my job is awesome. (She’s probably a male 57 year old website designer with Aspergers) |
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Jager (Yoshikazu Fujiki) - Player 538, what the hell is a dude doing in my Assault Girls? Get the heck out of here, you creep! |
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Sand Whales (CGI) – This particular Sand Whale is Desert 22 Flag – Madara – who is the end boss the Assault Girls and Scruffy Dude are hunting. Complete with rocket launchers like all real sand whales. |
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Snail (Isao NO. 1- 5) – Five snails played the snail that becomes the focus of our heroes as the movie drifts into more and more boring territory. Sadly, one snail is eaten, it is unknown it was a real snail, but probably. |
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Random Dog (Pasta) - Why not have a dog randomly in one brief scene for no reason? It makes as much sense as everything else in this flick! Also bonus statue photo! |
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Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl
aka Kyuketsu Shojo tai Shojo Furanken
2009
Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura and Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (hereafter VGxFG due to our crippling laziness in both typing and copy/pasting the movie title) is from the same Japanese goremasters that brought us The Machine Girl, Tokyo Gore Police, and Hypertrophy Genitals Girl. That’s the movie where the girl has the giant genitals. It won six Oscars. Yoshihiro Nishimura is a special effects expert who has directed several of the gore flicks, while Naoyuki Tomomatsu is a director and writer who also produces a lot of gore flicks such as Stacy and Zombie Self-Defense Force . VGxFG is based on a manga I haven’t read because I only read scifi novels published around the time my mom was born I get from used book stores. I also read books about McBroom’s Farm, but there were never and Vampire Girls fighting Frankenstein Girls. Maybe some of his kids were vampires or Frankensteins, he had like a million of them and also ran a zoo at one point besides the farm where I bet the Silver-Tailed Teakettler fought the Sidehill Gouger.
If you like gore and splatter effects and CGI blood, then this movie has that stuff and you probably already at least know about it. But maybe you haven’t bothered to rent it from NetFlix yet and are deciding on if you should see it or requesting Goonies one more time. And that is where TarsTarkas.NET can help. First of all, go get Goonies from a used DVD store, you can probably get it for like $5 thanks the the economic apocalypse. Second, give us $5 as well. This doesn’t help you, but it helps us. Everyone wins! (Everyone at TarsTarkas.NET!)
VGxFG is much like the Twilight saga, in that there are two specially powered teenagers fighting over the heart of a normal teenagers. Sure, the sexes are reversed, and the werewolf is a Frankenstein monster now, but it is similar. And no one sits in a window for four months while some generic alt rock blares in the background about possibilities. Come to think of it, VGxFG is nothing like Twilight. Forget I said anything!
Let’s get the Roll Call out of the way before I devote another paragraph to how VGxFG is exactly like Lethal Weapon 3…
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Monami Arukado/Vampire Girl (Yukie Kawamura) – A lonely vampire girl searching for love by tricking boys into eating her blood. Just like all other women… Yukie Kawamura is a gravure idol so check out her gallery we put together. |
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Keiko Furano/Frankenstein Girl (Eri Otoguro) – dresses in the gothic-lolita style tough girl with a squad of three gang members who bully Jyugon into being her boyfriend…until Monami comes along. Is eventually killed and rebuilt by her father as Frankenstein Girl ready for revenge. |
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Jyugon Mizushima (Takumi Saito) - The innocent cute boy trapped in a world where two super-powered girls battle over his heart without consulting him in the slightest. Isn’t love grand?
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Kenji Furano (Kanji Tsuda) – Vice-Principal/science teacher and Keiko’s father. Also secretly a mad scientist who experiments on the students. |
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Midori (Sayaka Kametani) – The over-sexed school nurse Mizushima goes to see because he’s still freaking out. It turns out she is also the mad assistant to Kenji Furano for his crazed experiments in chopping up students. |
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Hot T-Shirts
1980
Directed by Chuck Vincent
Written by Chuck Vincent and Bill Slobodian
Hot T-Shirts may have soaked into the world in 1980, but it is pure 1970′s. The soundtrack is all disco, all the time. We got disco clubs, disco songs, and montages with disco themes. You cannot escape the disco. The plot of the film, as much as there is on, is that a guy runs wet t-shirt contests to drum up business in his failing bar. Sure, there are minor subplots involving the city vs. a local college and censorship problems, but most of them dissolve away as the film gets to the main plot, girls in wet t-shirts.
Hot T-Shirts seems custom made for the drive-in circuit, coming out a few years before the VCR revolution swept across America and moved the location where millions of Americans viewed softcore films. Part of a pack of former drive in films that aren’t available on DVD (that I know of) that I acquired in trade, but as it is the only one not sealed deep away in a box at the moment, it will be the first one up.
The cast is largely people who did little acting work and went on to do no more acting. The only one I found who went on to other things was Corinne Wahl, who played a character I don’t remember (probably one of the wet t-shirt contestants.) She was a Penthouse Pet and later went on to be a Penthouse Pet again and the Penthouse Pet of the Year and got all the honors and benefits that go with that. There is also some interesting information about the director, Chuck Vincent. chuck Vincent was a writer/director/producer/editor, which many low-budget filmmakers are out of necessity. His production company Platinum Pictures churned out a lot of hardcore films through the 70s and early 80s including on called Sex Crimes 2084 which must be awesome. His softcore fare aside from Hot T-Shirts included Summer Camp, Hollywood Hot Tubs, and Warrior Queen. He died of AIDS in 1991 at the age of 51.
The soundtrack is a bunch of disco songs mostly performed by the same artist. There is more disco in Hot T-Shirts than in Disco Stu’s garage. I don’t know what that comparison means, except to say there is a lot of disco. The opening song declares “My body is wet!” which is probably as close as we are going to get to a Hot T-Shirts Theme Song.
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Joe (Ray Holland) – Owner of a bar that is failing…until he gets the idea to exploit women! Then all his money problems are solved and his girl decides to marry him. The lesson is: Exploit Women! |
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Charlie (Glenn Mure) – Charlie runs a junk place with his dad, so the college girls all hate him because he’s a business owner and not a trust fund baby majoring in goofing off. He manages to get the head cheerleader Charlotte due to the fact that he needed some sort of story arc. |
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June (Stephanie Lawlor) – Girlfriend of Joe, and professor at the local college. She won’t marry Joe, because. She also coaches the cheerleading squad. I don’t know what college department she teaches in. |
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Charlotte (Laura Osment) – Head cheerleader at the college. She ends up with Charlie at the end of the film after his aggressive pursuit campaign of being sleazy. Leads her girls to wet T-shirt victory. |
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Violet (Pauline Rose) – One of Joe’s employees who cannot keep her legs together even if you stapled them. |
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Pops (Nathan Tamarin) – The bartender at Joe’s who is awesome, too bad Nathan Tamarin never did anything else except be awesome in Hot T-Shirts. That should be on his tombstone, but his tombstone probably has some garbage about being a loving husband and father and other boring junk on it. Spice it up, people! |
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Beauty’s Evil Roses
aka Se jiang II zhi xie mei gui
1992
Directed by Lam Wah-Chuen
Written by Chan Hiu-Bing
Beauty’s Evil Roses is somewhat famous in the circle of people who watch Hong Kong cult cinema because it is pretty darn weird. Besides being a weird Category III film, it also falls into the genre of movies that have weird S&M-type scenes, creepy tentacle stuff, and goofy Thai witchcraft battles. The creepy tentacle stuff is the types of things you expect to see out of Japan, not Hong Kong. The best stuff is the crazy goofy witch effects, especially when the Taoist priest is battling the Thai witches (why to all the evils in the universe in Hong Kong films come from Thailand? Because the city fears the wild frontier!)
So we have crazy witch cults, girls getting kidnapped, lesbians, cops doing cop stuff, more characters than you can shake a rape tentacle at, confusion, goofy effects, lesbians, gender-neutral evil deities, lesbians, Taoist priests, battles in outer space, lesbians, and lesbians. Seems like a winner to me.
Despite this being a VHS copy, the film did get a cheap DVD release at some point. But we don’t have it, so you can’t see it! Nyah nyah nyah!
The cast list is very sketchy, I did my best but make no promises as to the accuracy. So if there are errors, it is your fault for noticing them, and I will use my Lathe of Heaven powers to alter reality so my guesses are correct. That’s what you get for doubting my cast listing skills!
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Mannie (Wong Wing-Fong) – A model and girlfriend of A-Kang, who spends a lot of time having sex with her. She also poses nude, which didn’t bother A-Kang before he started dating her, but suddenly makes him uneasy. Mannie helps infiltrate the evil cult that kills women, giving a bonus lesbian sex scene. Wong Wing-Fong is also known as Usang Yeong Fang. |
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A-Kang Hsiao (Jack Wong Wai-Leung) – A-Kang Hsiao is a cop with a girlfriend and anger issues. He’s such a good cop he becomes a target of th evil cult. His sister is Show-Mei |
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Police Supervisor Madam (Chang Siu-Yin) – Cheng’s girlfriend – aka Handcuff Girl – Police Captain that Cheng is sleeping with, their relationship is supposed to be a secret |
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Cheng (Alex Fong Chung-Sun) – Handcuff Guy – A neurotic cop who likes to beat suspects. He is dating his superior, who is only referred to as Police Supervisor Madam. He is also filled with rage. The rage burns in him like the fire of 1000 suns. |
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Da-Shie (???) – The evil queen of the cult who has lesbian sex and S&M bondage stuff with all the female members, though she has to answer to Evil God. The makeup artist decided to make her look extra evil, so she’s got that going on for her. Suffer not the evil to live, thus Da-Shie is dead by the end of the film. |
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Evil God (???) – Evil God looks a lot like Gozer. Hmmmm…. He’s evil, and he has God-like powers, such as kung fu and…kung fu. Okay, maybe he can torture people from afar. I am not sure. Evil God sure isn’t immune to bullets. |
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Show-Mei (???) – The Money. Miss Missouri here seems to be a tourist who makes friend with a guy who never gets a name, until she is kidnapped by a cult and brainwashed with tentacle worms or something. Then she becomes evil and her brother A-Kang has to track her down and destroy the cult. |
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Ian-Huang (Chui Seung-Ha) – Member of the evil cult with a Keira Knightly vibe going on. Spends the beginning of the film boinging an old dude to infect him with evil tentacle stuff. Then she dresses as a dude and later tries to kill A-Kang. The most well-characterized of the evil cult’s disciples. Her name is spelled Ian-Heung and Yen-Hong when the subtitles guy is letting his assistant do the work. |
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Great Priest (???) – A Taoist priest who is not Lam Ching-Ying, so he will be dead by the end of the film. And he is. Only Lam Ching-Ying can be the awesome Taoist priest, sorry, dude. |
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Share (???) – Share is probably supposed to be Cher, but maybe her parents wanted to teach her how to share so much they made it her name. Too bad they didn’t teach her not to get involved in deadly lesbian S&M cults. |
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