The Coed and the Zombie Stoner – new high art from Asylum!

Asylum is just cranking out the films faster than I can keep up with them by randomly checking their website every month or so. To wit, their tweet about the new film The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, which will be premiering exclusively on XBox Live, aka meaning I won’t be able to see it. But it looks like another Asylum softcore romp, this time the gimmick is there is a zombie pothead. Hey, that’s combining three different genres into one! Who said Asylum doesn’t know how to roll things up together. Idiots, that’s who! It says “Sex, drugs, and the walking dead” right on the poster!

When a nerdy sorority girl falls in love with a zombie, it’s only a matter of time before a zombie apocalypse is unleashed on campus. The sorority girl discovers that weed is the cure–now she must smoke out the entire school before it’s too late.

Yes, weed cures zombies now. It’s true, I heard it from Cypress Hill. I think. I can’t remember, I was pretty high, but it was probably Cypress Hill, or some guy who was on a hill. Hm…

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner stars Mindy Robinson(Asian School Girls), Jamie Noel(Bikini Spring Break), Grant O’Connell(m4m), Catherine Annette(Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle’s Supernatural Sexual Activity), Ben Whalen(A Leading Man), Andrew Clements(Bikini Spring Break), Jared Cohn(Underground Lizard People) and Lena Young(The Potstickers). It’s directed by Glenn Miller(The Bell Witch Haunting) and written by Scotty Mullen (who hasn’t written anything else) Anyone with XBox Live want to check in and say if this is any fun, feel free. Otherwise, the rest of use will have to wait until this gets a wider release.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner Asylum

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 16, 2014 at 5:16 pm

Categories: Movie News   Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Glenn Beck slimes his way into movie production

Glenn Beck My Little Pony Brony
As you may have guessed from the numerous articles over the years slamming Glenn Beck, we do not think too highly of him here at TarsTarkas.NET. But Glenn Beck is good at one thing, and that’s grifting right wingers out of money. After getting booted from FoxNews for just being too darn crazy, Beck set up his own television station, GBTV, which eventually merged with his other media works into the channel TheBlaze (under parent company Mercury Radio Arts). Now Mercury Radio Arts is expanding to the world of film, a world Beck has toyed with before thanks to some one night only theatrical productions (such as Man in the Moon)

Now it will be full force, with Mercury Radio Arts having acquired The Studios at Las Colinas and prepping three films. The only details THR had on those films at the moment are one is set in ancient history, one in modern history, and one is faith-based. National Review had more information on two of them. One will deal with the real story of Christmas, and complain about Christmas being too commercialized. I don’t know, that sounds like Commie talk to me! Where’s the Free Market, Glenn? Another film will vilify Thomas Edison, which probably could be a cool story done by anyone else ever. But I will find joy in Glenn Beck making a hitpiece against a capitalist that he would be defending

In addition, other films are projected for longer term, including a film based on Beck’s book The Christmas Sweater, which was optioned to Sony, but they’ve bought the rights back.

Whatever the results may be, here’s hoping Glenn Back finds the same success in producing films that Rick Santorum found when he got involved in Echolight Studios and lost a lot of money as The Christmas Candle flopped. Then again, God’s Not Dead made $40 million, and Heaven is For Real just came out in theaters, so I don’t have a box office tally for that.

Being that this is Glenn Beck, the films will certainly be insane and somehow feature a lot of Glenn Beck, because it’s all about Glenn Beck for Glenn Beck. And they will be trainwrecks! Get your popcorn!

via THR

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 3:34 pm

Categories: Culture Wars, Movie News, Politicians and Pundits, Wingnut Web   Tags: , ,

Zone Fighter Episode 18 – Shirei “Nihon Rettou Bakuhase-yo”

Zone Fighter Episode 18 – Shirei “Nihon Rettou Bakuhase-yo”

aka 指令『日本列島爆破せよ』 aka Directive: Destroy the Japanese Laboratory! aka Command: “Destroy the Japanese Islands”
Zone Fighter 指令『日本列島爆破せよ』
Written by Yuji Amamiya
Directed by Ishiro Honda

March of Godzilla 2014

Zone Fighter 指令『日本列島爆破せよ』

If you order this toaster oven now, we’ll throw in a free pair of oven mitts! Call 1-800-GAROGA! Operators are standing by!

Zone Fighter punches his way into a new episode, which is among the most ridiculous episodes in Zone Fighter history. It’s also pretty dumb, and is somehow a two-parter. Which is a shame, because both parts are directed by Ishiro Honda! The problem is with the story, which is really only a bare thread of a story and padded with a lot of pointless scenes and not very good monster action.

Why is the monster action not very good? Because Zone Fighter and the Terror-Beast of the Week Gundarguiras play rock paper scissors! Who needs monster fights? The excuse is because Gundarguiras ate some explosive chemical, and if he’s thrown around too violently, it will explode. Which should be find, because it’s inside a giant monster to absorb most of the blast, but whatever. Zone Fighter knows the explosive is in the belly of the beast thanks to Gundarguiras’ transparent stomach. Zone has to use his intelligence to try to trick the dumb monster into leaving Earth. Problems: 1- Zone Fighter isn’t very smart, either. 2- Gundarguiras is so stupid that even dumb tricks won’t work. 3- When a trick does work, Gundarguiras just refuses to leave, so there is no point to this strategy. 4- This scene keeps going on and on, and will continue next episode.

Zone Fighter 指令『日本列島爆破せよ』

Sometimes people wrap Twizzlers all around their body and leap in the air. We call these people “morons”!

Thanks to the trick, Zone Fighter finally has some more new random powers, but they prove as useless as Zone Fighter normally is. I’m eager to watch the next episode just to watch Zone brutally murder Gundarguiras, because there is no way that dumb monster is getting out of this alive. The only question is if he’ll get blown up via the PS73 explosive, or by Zone Fighter shooting him a lot.

But before the murder, we have to get through the horror. So let’s get started with . If you need a Zone Fighter refresher course, drop on by the Zone Fighter Splash Page.

Zone Fighter 指令『日本列島爆破せよ』

Should have picked rock!

Scientists including Professor Tanzawa blow up some random areas of the countryside. This is a test of Tanzawa’s new explosive element PS73. The test is a success and a bunch of dudes in business suits (scientists, officials, random businessmen who hang out at explosives testing sites) are happy. Now the next step is to transport the PS73 to another lab, which they must do with care.
Zone Fighter 指令『日本列島爆破せよ』

I’ll never pitch again! Looks like the Cubs will lose another season, thanks kid!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 1:50 pm

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Lifetime touches on eating disorders with Starving in Suburbia! #StarvingInSuburbia

Thinspiration Starving in Suburbia Lifetime

They’re having a party under the Tree of Souls from Avatar?

Starving in Suburbia (original title: Thinspiration) is another Lifetime feature about how the internet is dangerous, with a look at those disturbing websites that promote eating disorders, bulimia, and anorexia, commonly called thinspiration sites. Honestly, this is an internet demon that I don’t mind a movie taking on, because that stuff is gross and women already have enough body issues as it is, we don’t need peer pressure sites making girls more depressed about the way they look. But the new Starving in Suburbia title makes it sound like one of those memoirs people write that try to make their boring lives sound exciting.

If this film follows the usual track, Hannah’s friend and mentor ButterflyAna will probably die, though there is a chance that Hannah has a best friend who will be the one who dies.

Tara Miele writes and directs (Huzzah, a female director!), this is her third feature (she wrote and directed 2010′s The Lake Effect and also helmed 2013′s Gone Missing)

Starving in Suburbia stars Laura Wiggins, Izabella Miko, Emma Dumont, Marcus Giamatti, Callie Thorne, and Sharon Lawrence Laura Wiggins is best known from her role on Shameless, and was also in Lifetime’s The Cheating Pact. Izabella Miko is the star of Save the Last Dance 2 (yes, there was a 2!) and was also in Coyote Ugly. Emma Dumont had a role on the cult series Bunheads and also does competitive robot building! How cool is that? Callie Thorne is best remembered for Rescue Me.

When seventeen year old Hannah stumbles upon a website about Thinspiration— an online community devoted to anorexia as a life choice — she becomes an obsessive follower of the site founder, ButterflyAna. By the time Hannah’s family realizes what is happening and get Hannah the help she needs, the disease has fully taken hold and Hannah is refusing to eat. Will this family be able to exorcise the demon of anorexia from their lives, or is it too late?

Starving in Suburbia will premiere Saturday, April 26th on Lifetime. Let’s see if hashtag #StarvingInSuburbia trends like #DeathClique did!

via Lifetime

Thinspiration Starving in Suburbia Lifetime

Worst Apple Logo covering ever!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 15, 2014 at 4:21 pm

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Crackula Goes to Hollywood will be crack-tacular!

You need to check out that trailer for Crackula Goes to Hollywood above! Crackula Goes to Hollywood looks fantastically amazing, and I hope the editing in the final film is done in the style of the trailer, because that’s unlike anything I have ever seen before. An Alaskan vampire with one tooth comes to Hollywood and starts chomping down on victims, unknowingly becoming addicted to the crack in their blood, and thus now only targets crack attics. And hijinks ensue. I can’t begin to explain how awesome the trailer is. It opens with “Hollywood’s most diverse film ever”. Alaskan Frontier cabin CRACK PARTY. Hollywood, baby, Hollywood. “What? A one-toothed vampire? That’s ridiculous!” Namedropping trickle-down theory. A crack rehab center handing out free crack to rich white people. And the final stinger of “Oh no, Crackula!”

Crackula Goes to Hollywood is the brainchild of Freddie Rhone, who is writing, directing, and producing. Freddie Rhone is a song writer and producer who formed Ruff Face Entertainment, which besides the cool-looking Crackula Goes to Hollywood, has two other films on its website, both documentaries about social justice – Redemption of the Welfare Queen and The Worlds Civil Rights Social Movement.

A mysterious man from Alaska, known to be from the dark side, becomes addicted to sucking crack blood. He single handedly ends up cleaning the streets of Hollywood of all crack users and drug dealers.

I cannot wait for this film! CAN! NOT! WAIT!
Official site (worth looking around)

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 1:52 pm

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Zone Fighter Episode 17 – GO! Faitaa Kinkyuuhasshin

Zone Fighter Episode 17 – GO! Faitaa Kinkyuuhasshin

aka GO! ファイター緊急発進 aka Go! Fighter Emergency Take off! aka Go! Fighter, Scramble
Zone Fighter GO! ファイター緊急発進
Written by Satoshi Kurumi
Directed by Jun Fukuda

March of Godzilla 2014

Dancing with the Stars under the stars

Today we have a very special episode of Zone Fighter, because the star of our show isn’t the Zone Family, but their crap. Yes, the focus is on Smokey the spaceship and Mighty Liner the flying car. I guess the Garoga forgot about the other Zone Family spaceship, the Pandora Capsule. But you know about it because you read the Zone Fighter Splash Page, where all that stuff is listed!

Garoga laugh because they’re in space in a Garoga Spaceship that is now sucking up the Zone Family spaceship Smokey into their own larger ship and flying away. That’s actually a cool power, but instead of dismantling Smokey or lacing it with lots of bombs that will explode whenever a Zone person gets in it, they just move the ship to somewhere else.

Zone Fighter GO! ファイター緊急発進

Each week a different monster barfs on Zone Fighter. Because Zone Fighter’s a freak!

Hotaru is awake at night looking out the window and Akira talks to her…

Wait a minute, Akira and Hotaru share the same room, and even have bunk beds????? WTF???? In a prior episode Akira was sleeping in the room where the phone was, which is near the living room. AKira is like a hot potato they move from room to room I guess. No one likes Akira.

Anyway, they both had the same dream about Smokey, which just goes to show how lame you are when you dream about your spaceship, in a world where you use your spaceship every day, making it not unique, so it’s like dreaming about your mom’s minivan.

Zone Fighter GO! ファイター緊急発進

The hell kind of ending was that, How I Met Your Mother?

They fly up to where Smokey is parked…and it’s gone! But an outline of Smokey remains, which is weird. At first I thought it was one of their other craft cloaked, but it doesn’t match either one, only Smokey. Maybe it is a decoy put in place to not trip alarms. It’s too hard to figure out without subtitles, I guess this will always be a mystery until someone comments below 8 years later after subtitled DVDs have been out for years like I’m some sort of idiot for not knowing.

Hotaru and Akira know the Garoga are behind it, and go home to activate the tracking beacon of Smokey and find where the Garoga hid it, which turns out to be near the Tanzawa woods.

Zone Fighter GO! ファイター緊急発進

Madballs’ dark reboot!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 14, 2014 at 7:58 am

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