Television Reviews

Go! Godman: Godman vs. Stegojiras and Akumon (ゴッドマン対ステゴジラス・アクモン)

March of Godzilla Godman

Go! Godman: Godman vs. Stegojiras and Akumon

aka ゴッドマン対ステゴジラス・アクモン その1 – その6 aka Goddoman Tai Sutegojirasu – Akumon
Stegojiras Akumon Godman
Week of April 5 – 11, 1973

Godman’s one weakness — bullets!

Stegojiras and Akumon are among the most pathetic designs of the monsters Godman faces. These monsters aren’t even monster suits, just two idiots in slightly oversized masks. One interesting thing is they are more successful than many of the actual monsters at fighting Godman, even though they still lose. Another interesting thing is that they seem to worship an active volcano, and that volcano gives them orders. Just who or what this volcano is, is never explained. Even the accompanying material treats the volcano monster as a mystery. Is this the dark force behind all the other evil monsters Godman fights? Is it just some random underground fire that a couple of brain-dead monsters decided to worship after far too many bong hits? Mysteries forever, that’s what this episode is full of!

Stegojiras has a big blue-green head with giant horns on the top and some other random horns popping out of the bottom. He appears to have big red fish stapled to his shirt, and appears to be slightly more competent than Akumon. Akumon is the red masked monster whose vocals are chicken squawks and he has a gold glitter swastika symbol on his chest, white symbols on his arms. Stegojiras and Akumon vaguely resemble the Chinese legendary creatures With-the-Wind Ear/順風耳/Shunfeng Er and Thousand Miles Eye/千里眼/Qianli Ya, both of whom were seen in The Legend of Mother Goddess and The Ginseng King. Both of them work for some sort of volcano deity mystery monster that lives in the volcano or who knows what, that even the Godman DVD files just refers to as “???”. It is a mystery to never be solved, because no one will ever care to solve it. If you need any other Godman information, be sure to check out the Ike! Godman Splash Page!

Once there were two monster idiots named Stegojiras and Akumon. They worshiped a burning volcano in a forest, which commanded them to steal children. The monsters attempt to steal a young girl from a group of kids at an amusement park, but these monsters are so terrible that one of the teachers accompanying the group chases them down. This teacher manages to hold his own while fighting both of them, despite being an obvious older hippy type who should be more about the free love and peace instead of monster violence. Eventually the teacher is defeated, and the rest of the kids call in Godman after their other teacher asks them to. Hmmm, does that mean only children can call in Godman to fight their battles for them? I guess that’s why Godman is never called upon to do taxes or clean the gutters.

Godman fights Akumon first as we jump to tsuzuku…

The next episode begins with Akumon making chicken noises as he fights Godman. He’s punched out and Godman wakes up the kid, then shoves her away. She yells “Thanks” as she runs, but him shoving her is funny. But the other children are being menaced by Stegojiras, the noise of which distracts Godman enough that Akumon is able to recover and punch him in the back!

Stegojiras and Akumon tie up the female teacher and rekidnap the girl from earlier, taking her to their super sweet ginormous 1970s car. I guess these guys got to wear normal people clothes instead of full costumes because the monster suits couldn’t really fit in the car.

Godman stands in front of their moving car, and as this series doesn’t have the budget to have Godman get hit by the car, the monsters stop and get out of the car again to fight him. The rekidnapped girl escapes again, but…. (Tsuzuku)

Akumon rerekidnaps the girl by punching her in the gut while Godman is busy fighting Stegojiras. Stegojiras pulls out his tiny whip, so out comes Godman’s flail. They fight so hard that a hair gets stuck to the camera for several shots, the action sequences so exciting the cameraman didn’t even look through the camera to see the obvious hair! Godman is then shot in the leg by a drug dart, and Akumon drives away with the girl.

Godman tosses a bunch of explosives at the car that’s speeding away with the innocent girl in it. Luckily for her, he misses the car and she doesn’t die a violent death from being inside an exploding car. Tsuzuku.

We start the next episode with Akumon and Stegojiras arriving at their hidden compound by car and running inside with the kidnapped girl. The car vanishes, because of course it does! Does this mean the car went invisible? Teleported? Never existed? Answers, I hope you like not having them!

The monster hideout is a bunch of creepy abandoned buildings. Godman arrives and looks around the area, only to be ambushed by Akumon! Finally, Godman shows some basic competency and starts to get the upper hand in fighting Akumon, but then Stegojiras points a gun at Godman’s head!

Godman surrenders (!) Except he doesn’t surrender, he pretends to long enough to kick the gun out of Stegojiras’ hand. Godman battles the two monsters some more, until Stegojiras gets his gun again and starts firing at Godman. Luckily for Godman, Stegojiras is worst shots than a Stormtrooper and hits nothing but trees. Tsuzuku.

Godman scares the two monsters off by tossing more explosives. Akumon retaliates by grabbing a Tommy gun and firing it at Godman while Stegojiras drives. Yes, the monsters are doing a drive by on Godman!

They drive to the mysterious Volcano and then Godman shows up so there is more fighting. The monsters rarely remember they have guns in their hands, and when they do, Godman just does a quick tumble to dodge the bullets. Godman rescues the kidnapped girl again, tossing her into a ditch so he’s free to fight the monsters once more. Yes, the hero just threw a small child into a ditch. Tsuzuku.

The monsters fire the Tommy gun at Godman, but that brilliant plan fails when Godman fires bullets back our of his fingers! Godman remembers he has an ultra-strong finishing move, and fires his Godman Supersonic Wave, first at Akumon and then at Stegojiras. At this point, the monsters flip, and then se wee just their masks on the ground, which explode.

So were they monsters, or a fiendish cult straight out of True Detective wearing masks? Mysteries! Godman also defeats the volcano monster by destroying the monsters, as the smoke then goes in the opposite directing, sinking back into the volcano.

The day is saved, Godman returns the now probably traumatized forever child to her teachers and friends and flies away, a hero to those who need heroes named Godman. Which means the kids who need Godman to satiate their bloodlust or enjoy the weirdly sexual wrestling between Godman and the monster of the week.

Akumon and Stegojiras are legit creepy monsters in that they look like they could be your freaky neighbors dressed in ridiculous costumes and kidnapping your child. In this case, the cheapness enhances the scary, because it brings it to a real level.

This was the last series of original Godman shorts. Though some of the monsters would return in Ike! Greenman, Godman himself was not seen again until 2008’s Go Forth! Godman. Which might just get some attention here sooner than later…

Until then, we’re all Godmanned out! Expect these entries to get random updates over the years when I track down different missing pieces and have time to write them up in future Marches of Godzilla. For now, March of Godzilla: Godman has completed its life cycle. You might say we blew up the volcano! But there is always the Godman Splash Page if you want to catch back up with Godman, for some reason.
Stegojiras Akumon Godman
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - December 22, 2016 at 8:05 am

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Go! Godman: Godman vs. Jilarji (ゴッドマン対シラージ)

March of Godzilla Godman

Go! Godman: Godman vs. Jilarji

aka ゴッドマン対シラージ その1 – その3 aka Goddoman Tai Shiraaji
Jilarji Godman
Week of March 15 – 21, 1973

Sometimes you spank the monkey, sometimes the monkey spanks back…

Of all the monsters Godman fights, Jilarji is the most sympathetic. For he is not a monster that roams the countryside before stumbling across children who call upon their murder god, but instead is a small, frightened monkey who is taunted by a vicious pair of bratty children until he explodes with rage, mutating the monkey into the monstrous Jilarji. Yes, this is a monkey who basically becomes the Hulk, and then Godman comes to punish the monkey instead of the children. Hello, these kids are not only being cruel to animals, but this animal was obviously a former lab monkey who had been retired, so now it is fair game for kids to taunt lab monkeys? That’s how Outbreak scenarios happen, Godman!

Jilarji is a cross-eyed monkey monster with a silver skull face and a random horn on the top of his head. He’s cool enough he was made into toys and shows up again in a few other things. Sometimes he’s called Shiraji and there is argument of which is the official translation of his name.

Jilarji is the second half of the week’s adventures, Godman had just spent three days (presumably) slaughtering Totsaurus. But those episodes aren’t important enough for use to get to see, so just forget about them. Just remember these episodes, the ones deemed acceptable by the random DVD gods.

Two rude bratty children in short shorts tease a poor monkey in a cage with a stick. This proves to be ill-advised, and not just because PeTA will say things about you on the radio. The monkey explodes into the new monster, Jilarji. Jilarji is unable to extract revenge upon the children, who immediately call for Godman to save them. Godman is a servant of the spoiled child class and instantly appears to protect his masters from their own folly.

There is a lot of punching and slapping as the two fight. Jilarji then grows big to tower over Godman. We all know Godman will grow big also, but first, we tsuzuku to next time!

As predicted, Godman grows big as well. It’s like I’m Nostradomas or something. Despite Godman shooting Jilarji a few times, Jilarji is getting the better of Godman and is on top choking him to death like it’s some sort of creepy sex thing. It might be, maybe Godman is one of those guys who needs to be choked to get off, like David Carradine. It’s sort of weird to be doing it in the middle of a battle, but whatever floats your boat, right? I would like to point out that Godman is literally being choked by a monkey. Tsuzuku to next time to see if he lives, or finishes, or not.

Godman and Jilarji continue to struggle with each other like titanic lovers, rolling on the ground into the nearby town. Godman whips out his flail and starts whallupping Jilarji! Godman introducing sex toys to their public session? To be expected from this perv!

Godman doesn’t even do his normal finishing moves on Jilarji. Instead, he just beats up the monkey monster some more, and tosses him over a hill, where the monster promptly explodes for no reason.

The children are free to bully more and more innocent creatures until they explode into monstrous rage and threaten millions of lives. Where are those Godman opponents who kidnap children when you needs them? Remember, this is not the only time a Toho tokusatsu mercilessly slaughtered a monster derived from an innocent primate! It’s like Godman and Zone Fighter were in a competition to be evil or something.

Fuck you, Godman!

For more Godman atrocities, check out the Godman Splash Page, and expect more as March of Godzilla: Godman continues!
Jilarji Godman
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - December 15, 2016 at 8:56 am

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Go! Godman: Godman vs. Tsunojiras (ゴッドマン対オストタム)

March of Godzilla Godman

Go! Godman: Godman vs. Tsunojiras

aka ゴッドマン対オストタム その1 – その3 aka Goddoman Tai Tsunojirasu
Tsunojiras Godman
Week of March 8 – 14, 1973

That’s not how you vape!

Godman battles the nefarious Tsunojiras, who is nefarious in that he just happens to be a monster. The audacity of being a monster in the universe where Godman exists is a death sentence, yet time after time we see brave monsters rebelling against this status quo, even if it cost most of them their lives. Sure, a few of them are evil, but what has Tsunojiras done wrong? Godman is a despotic chaos lord who smites all that might even stand against him. We’ve seen plenty of examples in prior March of Godzilla: Godman entries, and be sure to stop by the Godman Splash Page.

Tsunojiras is a lizard kaiju with gigantic eyebrows that are probably horns, but you can never be too sure… He’s got a horn on his nose and little vampire fangs. His favorite fight moves is to egg Godman on by waving his hands to come here.

Five kids witness giant monster Tsunojiras come over the hill, and run while the Chorus of Kids call for Godman. Godman soon arrives, and the fight is on!

Godman karate chops Tsunojiras several times, then uses his God-Sparkle gimmick, where he fires what look like machine gun bullets from three barrels in his fist at Tsumojirasu. It doesn’t work and Tsunojiras is like “Bring it!” Tsunojiras is pretty tough for a monster who has been directly threatened by some rando tokusatsu. We tsuzuku to the next episode…

The fight continues, Godman punching Tsunojiras so hard that the the flap covering the back zipper of Tsunojiras’ costume has opened up. No one at Toho Quality Control cares enough to stop to fight to seal it back up, because the only people watching this are dumb kids and dumb movie bloggers 40 years later. I see what you are doing to me, long-retired Toho executives. And I must say, “Well played!”

Literally nothing happens this episode except homo-erotic monster punching, so let’s tsuzuku to the next…

Tsunojiras shoves Godman off a tiny cliff and then begins kicking him while he’s down. I notice that Godman has really filthy shoes, and Godman gets slapped around some more. Then Godman struggles to his feet and keeps fighting the Tsunojiras. Why did you let him up? Idiot! You just gave Godman the opening he needs.

Godman pulls out his flail to go all Gogo Yubari on Tsunojiras! Godman then does his finishing move using the Godman Supersonic Wave (the swirly chest thing) and blows up Tsunojiras. Poor Tsunojiras, all he ever did was be a monster and be explosive and be seen by children.

In the latter three episodes of this week’s series, Godman went on to fight Elephantar, but those shows are mysteriously not included on the DVD, so we’ll skip them until someone uploads them on YouTube.
Tsunojiras Godman
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - December 8, 2016 at 8:52 am

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Go! Godman: Godman vs. Bat-Man (ゴッドマン対バットマン)

March of Godzilla Godman

Go! Godman: Godman vs. Bat-Man

aka ゴッドマン対バットマン その1 – その3 aka Goddoman Tai Battoman
Godman Title
Week of February 22 – 28, 1973

I saw Godman and Bat-Man in the closet and they were making babies and one of the babies looked at me!

Godman battles Bat-Man, and then later that week, Kappalge. As Kappalge never bothered to be in Latitude Zero, he doesn’t make the cut for the DVD episodes. So enjoy Godman only defeating Bat-Man! For a who’s who of who the crap these people are, check out the Godman Splash Page, and enjoy this entry in March of Godzilla: Godman!

Bat-Man isn’t THAT Batman, nor is he Principal Joe Clark. He’s one of the bat people from Latitude Zero who is now running around attacking children. How the mighty have fallen… We get all three parts of this Godman story arc, so prepare for the entire exciting adventure to be detailed. Detailed only a bit, because mostly it’s just the monster punching each other again and again.

Two kids in short shorts are piling rocks in a vacant lot (Is this why Japan is so far ahead of us in education? Empty lot rock games?) Suddenly…the Bat-Man appears! The children run, but bat people are jerks and this one is no exception. Bat-Man flies around and annoys the kids, until the kids chorus screams for “GODMAN!”

Godman flies in to kick some bat butt, and Bat-Man runs away like a coward. He’s only brave when menacing tiny children! The attempted escape just means Bat-Man will get beaten up while on the run.

They fight and fight…until…

Tsuzuku for the next episode!

Bat-Man approaches Godman as random explosions happen. Is Bat-Man causing these explosions? I’m so confused. Bat-Man and Godman got giant sized at some point and now battle over a scale model town. Bat-Man seems to be a better fighter now that we needed some more dramatic tension in part II. Godman tosses his explosive discs at Bat-Man, who just knocks them down.

They fight some more, until we tsuzuku for the next part!

Godman is tired of playing and breaks out his flail weapon to smash Bat-Man with. He does that for a bit, then fires his Godman Supersonic Wave (aka he projects a swirly animation from his chest) which causes Bat-Man to explode! I guess Bat-Man shouldn’t have eaten all that nitroglycerin!

Godman wins!

Let’s chill until the next episode, but chill somewhere else, because we won’t get Kappalge on this dvd set! Which is weird, because he appears in the updated Godman special…
Bat-man-vs godman
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - December 1, 2016 at 8:48 am

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Go! Godman: Godman vs. Green-Mask (ゴッドマン対グリーンマスク)

March of Godzilla Godman

Go! Godman: Godman vs. Green-Mask

aka ゴッドマン対グリーンマスク その1 – その3 aka Goddoman Tai Geriinmasuku
Green-Mask Godman
Week of February 15 – 21, 1973

Look, let’s just all agree to never speak about Godman again once this series is over…

Godman returns with the third episode of his battle against Green-Mask, as we continue our journey through the Godman DVD. For more Godman information, feel free to stop by the Godman Splash Page!

Green-Mask is a creepy humanoid magician monster with a green mask that fits so well he has to hold it on while he runs. That’s some great kaiju design right there. Green-Mask speaks in almost entirely chicken clucks, which is a reoccurring motif for the more human monsters in the Godman series. He also steals children, which is another thing that the humanoid monsters do more of vs. the gigantic kaiju! What that says about the human monsters, or humanity in general, I will leave as an exercise to the reader to figure out. But if you cluck like a chicken, make sure you lay a dozen eggs each week or you get the chop!

The action starts with the third episode of Green-Mask, at this point Green-Mask is so beaten down by Godman that he’s worn out, falling down. Godman decides that humiliation is the key, and decides that it is spanking time! Remember all those times I said this show was disturbingly sexual? Add this one to the list!

Green-Mask gets spanked by Godman, and then Godman shoves Green-Mask’s face into the ground. This is one of the few occasions I won’t defend the monster Godman is beating on, because Green-Mask is actually bad. The final beatdown causes Green-Mask to use his magician skills to make the five children he kidnapped appear. Green-Mask also bows before Godman, worshiping his greatness. Shockingly, Godman lets Green-Mask live.

Let me repeat that. Godman, who regularly executes monsters for simply breathing the same air as him, lets a child-snatching guy in a mask live because he feigns worship of him. Good Lord, Godman is a menace!

This is the last episode on the DVD, so it’s final act is to let us see Godman let a real monster live. Also, the DVD doesn’t have the decency to have the episodes in order, so this is in no way the last entry of March of Godzilla: Godman’s Godman coverage. Will Godman break Jared from Subway out of prison while killing a puppy? Find out next time!
Green-Mask Godman
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 24, 2016 at 8:45 am

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Go! Godman: Godman vs. Gaira (ゴッドマン対ガイラ)

March of Godzilla Godman

Go! Godman: Godman vs. Gaira

aka ゴッドマン対ガイラ その1 – その6 aka Goddoman Tai Gaira
Gaira Godman
Week of February 1 – 7, 1973

She’s my Gaira, she’s my Sanda!

After a week of Godman fighting the heroic brown Gargantua named Sanda, he now fights the cruel green Gargantua named Gaira! Gaira was also seen in The War of the Gargantuas, hence the sentence I wrote immediately before this one. Finally, Godman is attacking the right one. Maybe Godman is color blind? Or maybe he’s racist, and kills the brown-skinned one first. Either way, it’s awful, just like Godman! Similar to the Sanda suit, the Gaira suit is nearing the end of its lifespan.

Like all these single-entry Godman DVD episode slots, there is little to work with, and outside of the novelty of seeing Gaira fighting someone we know, this series would sink to the oblivion it deserves. But it is now rescued from the depths, to inflict a new round of pain and torture on us all. For more fun Godman fun, check out the Godman Splash Page.

Godman fights Gaira in a dirt pit. Gaira gets off a whirlwind punch. Godman gains the advantage by throwing Gaira around and standing up to Gaira’s counterattacks. But that’s all we see as the episode ends in tsuzuku. That sounds like a whole lot of nothing, and that’s what it is, and that’s what the whole Ike! Godman series is! March of Godzilla: Godman will return with more Godman beating up everyone!
Gaira Godman
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 17, 2016 at 8:40 am

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