Directed by Woquini Adams
Ghosts are common in softcore films because they can be brought in rather cheaply and still make erotic stories that aren’t boring. They also tap into the “love from beyond the grave” vibe that is popular with romance types. We pretty much know why we’re here, so I can’t really give a nice long opening discussion. Especially since I can’t find much information about Woquini Adams, but there is one more Woquini Adams movie in the pipeline.
All the sex scenes are loud vocal affairs. So if you like noise, this is the movie for you. If you also like weird ghost story movies, this is the movie for you. If you like sepia tones this is the movie for you. If you like movies about house repair guys who go nuts and tie people up, this is the movie for you. If you like movies about frogs who eat beans, this is not the movie for you. I am still looking for that movie. But I will find it one day, and it will be glorious.
So have ghost women told you stuff about their murder and then joined in during sex with your wife? Because I can imagine that being rather annoying. Who wants female Slimer in the bedroom? Get out, ghost lady! And stop showing me where treasure is buried! I got enough treasure lying around the house.
Stella and her man are getting it on at her whorehouse, sepia style. Because the movie is in sepia tones. As will everything that is a flashback, which will be lots of sections of the film. This is a long time ago, just so you know. A guy with a gun comes into the whorehouse, which used to be his home when he was married to Stella. We get lingering shots of the customers waiting downstairs with some of the prostitues as the gun guy comes in, finds out Stella is with a client. Her ex-husbnd is less than pleased about Stella. Stella! Can’t you hear me yella? Or can you hear Stella yella? Because that’s some awfully loud simulated sex she is having with the guy. Then there are gunshots.
Suddenly, we are in the modern day, with no sepia tones at all. It seems this was all a story being written by a guy who looks totally not like a writer at all. He now has writer’s block, and his wife and who looks like a wife comes in to inspire him. With sex, because she is lonely.
So Colin runs off to another room to try to write. D’oh!
The next morning, after sleeping on the couch and failing to write, Colin has five days to finish his short story, so Winn sets up a vacation to some random house! What is this, Troll 2? So the random house just happens to be the whore house where the murders took place in Colin’s short story, proving that we are in the Twilight Zone. Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do!
This house is awfully new construction for being 100 years old…
At said house is realitor Kate and her boyfriend/hidden treasure looker-forer Ketcher. She brings him a picnic lunch, which means they’re gonna get it on, and they do. Insatiable Obsession style! A house is not a home unless you are tearing it up to look for hidden treasure (take that, HGTV! Design on a Dime, I got your dime design, Kahi Lee!) The hidden treasure Ketcher is looking for was supposedly left by Stella before she died, hidden from her murdering husband.
So Winn and Colin arrive, Colin already complaining because that’s what he does: write stories and complain. Inside, Kate gets the call that the house is rented, and her and Ketcher freak out a bit. Colin and Winn just go inside, and Kate starts to show them around. She tries to get them to rent different houses, but Winn brushes that all aside. Because the film couldn’t happen if they go to a different house. Kate explains the story of Lester Hayworth. With sepia flashbacks.
Lester is a businessman and he’s marrying the daughter of a businessman named Stella. Kate seems to know odd things, like Stella had never been kissed and narrates about Stella losing her virginity on their wedding night. What an odd thing for a realitor to tell you while looking at a house. No wonder the housing market crashed! But Lester gets into money trouble and starts stealing from Stella’s father and banging all sorts or random tail on the side, which Stella watches broken hearted from the balcony. He must be broke if he can’t afford to leave his backyard to have affairs with various women. so Lester goes to jail and Stella turns the house into a brothel. Makes sense.
Despite Ketcher coming in to try to dissuade them, Winn is insistant on staying at that particular house. Ketcher thinks they know something, so he gets all paranoid. Colin explores, finds a music box, and soon is hearing the voice of Stella guiding him around the house because she wants to show him something. A photobook with naked women? What a weird, pervy ghost! But what a great excuse if your wife catches you looking at internet porn! “Seriously, baby, it was a ghost that looked up ShavedAsian.com!”
Kate has her annoying ex-husband calling her, so Fletcher puts off his plan to drive the renters away for a bit until after he nails Kate one more time. That makes sense, logically. Ketcher’s plan is to add red dye to the water main, and in doing so stop a sex scene before it starts and annoy the audience. Ketcher, you jerk! Colin sees Stella’s ghost again while looking around.
Colin is so excited he starts to write, leaving his wife Winn to bathe alone thanks to the water suddenly working again. The red water finally shows up and they call in Ketcher, who says a bunch of crap about how the house sucks and they should go.
Kate explains more about Stella and who may have killed her, either Lester or Wayne Garver, the other guy she’s been banging in the flashack scenes. Speaking of flashback scenes, we are in one now, complete with sex scene. We know it isn’t Wayne Garver, so nice try, movie. Kate then mentions that there is $500,000 missing that is hidden somewhere. This is like $500,000 in old money, which is like $37 trillion today, or something.
Colin hears more voices of Stella, Kate follows him as he goes to look. Colin gets visions of Lester going into the yard and burying something, So Colin starts to dig. He finds buried lockbox, but it is locked, hence the fact it is a lockbox. Colin finds the keys, but it is empty inside. Holy Al Capone’s Vault, Batman! Is Colin Geraldo Rivera?
Stella tries to toss a box on Kate or something, he saves her, but then Winn walks in while he is grabbing her. Colin explains to Winn about the $500,000 in the house, but Winn is convinced it is all a ploy to avoid intimacy. Oh, women. So they have sex.
Uh…Ketcher and Kate are still in the house!
Ghost Stella pops up to turn this into a ghostly threesome, that only Colin knows about (and he ain’t telling!) The sex is done, but then all the power goes out. Colin is stuck in flashback city. He sees Stella took the money from the yard, which is actually her dad’s money that her hubby stole and she’s going to use it to escape town with her lover. By the end of the flashback Colin is kissing Kate thinking she is Stella, and Winn sees all this, and is ticked off and packs up to go.
Just explain it was a ghost!
Ketcher has gone gun crazy and won’t let them leave until he gets the money, under threat of shooting them dead. So Ketcher has Winn and Colin start getting it on (Winn is dressed in Stella’s old lingerie) while he is just staring at them with pervy Ketcher eyes. The goal is hopefully Stella will pop up and they can find the money. Ketcher makes Kate join in, so we got a gun-threat threesome here.
Also the sequence gets randomly washed out color-wise. What is going on, are they slowly phasing back in time? Is the power of the menage a trio that much? Did someone leave the hard disk the digital video was stored on out in the sun?
New theory: This all seems to be some sort of fantasy sequence because in reality the three-way never took place, Ketcher just shot everyone and this is their brains slowly dying and coming up with a fantasy world so the reality of death doesn’t destroy them mentally in their last seconds. Or not. Too deep for this type of film.
Colin explains the secrets of Stella, and need a music box, but it is broken, and Ketcher tries to fix it. Colin and Winn are tied up during this, and they try to convince Kate to help them escape. Things continue and now Ketcher is caught in the flashbacks with Stella. See? Reality has come crashing down.
Meanwhile, Winn and Colin attempt to escape in Ketcher’s van, but Kate’s crazy ex shows up and takes the car keys, then goes inside. He puts a gun to Ketcher and Kate, meanwhile flashbacks have Lester pointing gun to Stella and other guy. There are gunshots…
Someone would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for the meddling…writer and his wife? Okay, this joke fails.
But all of what happened was fake and we’re just at the point where Colin and Winn are first looking around the house. Colin writes the story we just saw, and then bangs his wife Winn as Ketcher skulks around doing Ketcher stuff outside.
We got totally Patrick Duffy in the showered there at the end! BoooOOOoooOO!!!!
Rated 5/10 (ghost..thing, ballerina, funny face guy, music box, jealous ex)
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