Posts tagged "softcore"

Sexy Assassins


Sexy Assassins


2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

Sexy Assassins
The best art protection in town!

Mainline Releasing throws down with another softcore crime film, this time taking place in the world of assassins. It’s hard to be an assassin for hire, what with the murdering of people and the fact you have constant, constant sex (which one would think would get in the way of the murdering, but don’t worry, Sexy Assassins figured an out!) But it is nigh time that these valiant sexy assassins got their due in movie form.

If Sexy Assassins is anything, it’s a low-budget film that looks a lot less low-budget than you would think. MRG does not skimp on the cinematography, and while I wouldn’t call things overly creative, it is professionally shot and lit, looking theater-quality good. The lower budget shines through with the lack of characters and the fact no one seems to go out in public. Every room is obviously a room in someone’s house, be it the office of a hotel. In fact, some parts of this house I recall from other films where people are bumping uglies. Either that, or I’m starting to merge all these giant Hollywood mansions that get rented out into one super mansion. Which could also be the case.

Sexy Assassins is just a straightforward assassins trying to figure out who the traitor is plot, and as there are only so many characters, only so many can be guilty. Besides that, it’s most notable feature is the mirroring of the beginning and ending sex scene and its violent conclusion. While Justine Joli is smothering her target during the throws of passion, she comes off as powerful and in control, taking down a man who probably deserved it. When Jason Sarcinelli does the same to Michelle Maylene in the end, it comes out more disturbing, with shades of domestic violence. Even though we know that her character Serena tried to kill both Sarcinelli and Joli’s characters. She’s guilty and has been seen doing so in the film, and possibly will be killing Sarcinelli seconds later. Yet it just feels weird, because he’s obviously so much more powerful than her. Also SPOILERS!

Sexy Assassins
Please don’t read this screencap, it is classified. Thank you.

Justine Joli’s sex is very into it as opposed to Michelle Maylene’s more laid back and talking sex enjoyment. Both of the actresses are primed to be more vocal and pornographic in their performances, which give more enthusiastic life the proceedings as things become raw passion. Sex seems a matter of life and death in importance, and it literally is!

While Sexy Assassins looks cool, the disturbing end just throws a big damper on the whole thing. It becomes more of a snuff film, or those old roughies where the sexy was usually ended with heinous violence as a substitution for sexual release. Your enjoyment depends on just how you respond to such things. Despite that, I like the Tina Hawthorne/David Nichols team (assuming those aren’t just pseudonyms for the same person!), they brought us Naughty Reunion and their films go over a bit of emotional things that other softcores don’t bother with.

Layla Clapton (Justine Joli) – A sexy assassin that is one of the few people who can wear an “Everything I kill I fuck” shirt non-ironically. Soon finds out the sexy assassin business might be a bit more treacherous than it seems. Layla Clapton, eh? Where is her sister, Tears In Heaven Domino?
Serena (Michelle Maylene) – Layla’s secretary, who claims to believe Layla’s cover story as a security consultant, but secretly knows the score, and is looking for a score of her own! Michelle Maylene can also be seen in Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite,
Max Houser (Jason Sarcinelli) – A simple messenger, or a master sexy assassin? Well, this isn’t called Sexy Messengers! Hired to kill Layla, but knows bigger things will happen if things change.
Damon (Michael O’Sullivan) – Layla’s manager who gives her new assignments and handles the business side of things. But he’s a businessman first and a loyal businessman second.
Mason (Spencer Houston Hill) – Layla’s tech guy who takes care of the computer things, does hacking,, fingerprint ID, all that fun stuff. In exchange, he does fun stuff with Layla.
Sexy Assassins
She handcuffed me and then stole the frame from the painting!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - May 13, 2013 at 6:08 am

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The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.


The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.


2007
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

The Girl from Bikini
I keep mine next to my Merry Marvel Marching Society card!

In TarsTarkas.NET’s quest to eventually get around to things, several Fred Olen Ray Bikini flicks are on the bucket list. So let’s begin to empty said bucket(which sadly had been buried beneath a pile of thousands of buckets filled with thousands of lists since 2004!) The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is the first of the Tanya X movies (so first that she’s called Tania X here!), which went on to have two sequels (Bikini Royale and Bikini Royale 2) and a webseries that I believe was edited into another film. But this is the one that started it all.

The Girl from Bikini
Attica! Attica!

The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.‘s biggest problem is the date rape sequence. I’ve watched enough of these types of films that I know that slipping a woman some drugs that makes her super-horny is occasionally a thing, but here it’s done in an ultra-sleazy manner and Tanya wakes up with memory loss the next day. It’s disturbing.

Something that is interesting is the scene where Mong Lee (played by white actor Evan Stone), a sort of white warrior servant who wears mixed Asian combat garb, dresses in yellowface as a super stereotypical Asian person, right down to greasy black hair, ridiculous Coke-bottle glasses, and buck teeth. He wears the disguise over his own clothes, which bulge out from underneath, and it is insanely obvious that he is not what he appears to be. Needless to say, the disguise works. The thing is, is this disguise racist, or is the character using Asian stereotypes that the heroes fall for to his advantage to do his job, despite not being Asian? And if so, would that make the heroes racist, and Mong Lee someone who takes advantage of the ignorance of the masses? These are the questions asked by so many people watching these Skinimax flicks at 2am!

The Girl from Bikini
Mission: Impossible 5 was almost as bad as Mission: Impossible 2!

While the problems all go away by the next Tanya X adventure, we must discuss them, because them’s the rules. The spy genre’s campy nature makes it a ripe ground for parodies, allowing the adding of fantastic elements in addition to the expected hot babes in little clothing. The genre’s mainstream acceptance also means there will be spy erotic parodies for decades to come. Heh-heh-heh, I said “come!”

Tania X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret agent of B.I.K.I.N.I., put on the case to track down who is interfering with the Sensible Satellite Radio signals.
Mr. Whatley (Brad Bartram) – The boss of B.I.K.I.N.I., at least until the next film…
Mark Ten (Voodoo/Alexandre Boisvert) – Agent of the CIA who becomes part of the case as he’s tangentially related with his bodyguard duties.
Samantha Rhinehart (Rebecca Love) – Heir to the Rhineheart family that owns Sensible Satellite Radio, is a nymphomaniac (the best kind of maniac!) Was being guarded by Mark Ten, who brought her along when he teamed up with Tania X to find out what’s going on.
Patty Mercury (Nicole Sheridan) – Stripper who knows of information concerning the jamming of agent satellite feed. All strippers are well versed in satellite communications information. That and clear high heels.
Mong Lee (Evan Stone) – Fay Wong’s servant Evan Stone’s wacky costume this movie is vaguely Japanese warrior garb. How did this warrior come into service of Fay Wong? That is a tale that is for you to write!
Fay Wong (Gianna Lynn) – Tong warlord and secret mastermind behind the plot to control agent radio signals. Not sure why, because this plan won’t make any money and will just put a target on her back from every spy agency in the world.
Randolph Davis (Randy Spears) – Rich businessman who is up to nefarious deeds for cash. He’s also a date rapist, so fuck this guy!
Kim Chee (Lacie Heart) – Fay Wong’s lady friend that she does lady friendly things with, those lady friendly things being sexual in nature.
Nikita (Anthony Hardwood) – That show Nikita is pretty good, and the other, earlier show was also good. And the movies are various levels of good. This Nikita isn’t a show or movie, but is a Russian agent who gets caught in Tania X’s web of seduction. And then caught in her right hook.
The Girl from Bikini
The Mime from BIKINI!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - May 7, 2013 at 6:20 am

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Naked Lust


Naked Lust


2009
Written by Abe Froman
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Naked Lust
This is how 50 Shades of Grey begins!

Naked Lust is hardly the sex-o-maniac nypho party the title implies, but is in fact a more sweet story of a woman attempting to reconnect with her first school crush that she was unable to go to the dance with due to life. It’s also a story about a pop princess looking to be inspired so she can write some hit songs, and her lovable goofball manager who would do anything for her. And probably some junk about the media, though most of that hits the back burner. In any even, it’s actually pretty entertaining. And it should be, since Naked Lust was written by Abe Froman. The sausage king of Chicago. This may be a pseudonym… Director Demitri Nessun also helmed Cougar School.

Naked Lust
This is what to do when the Naked Lust comes for you!

Naked Lust has a good balance of a story that is interesting (if extended), likable actors, and plenty of scenes that are the reason this plays at late night on Cinemax and not on Lifetime. While relying on a nostalgia-fueled fantasy for a plot point, the film and the main character comes to the realization that the fantasy is just a fantasy, and people move on and evolve. Therefore she embraces her reality and everyone gets a happy ending.

Naked Lust
He’s turning into that scene from Innerspace! Also why am I referencing Innerspace?

Cherry Pop (Kaylani Lei) – Cherry Pop is the current most famous pop star ever, but she needs to come out with another song before she’s replaced by the next young thing to come along. She was originally named Carla. Kaylani plays Cherry Pop like a slightly burnt out but still light-hearted Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift, which fits how she’s written.
Ape (Joe Souza as Matt Dalpiaz) – Cherry Pop’s manager and wannabe lover. Despite having feelings for her, she still needs to sort things out, so he has to support her. He comes off a lot like Steve from Married with Children, which just adds to the sitcom vibe.
Rachel (Leigh Livingston) – Rachel is a local reporter who gets the station in hot water when she broadcasts some live sexing between Cherry Pop and Ape. So she sticks around to document the creation of Cherry Pop’s new album, and ends up getting hired back by her station.
Chad Laroy (Mike Nike) – The record guy who hates all of Cherry Pop’s new songs and threatens to replace her, up to the point of actually replacing her. I guess having hit records isn’t really all that big of a deal any more…
Kitty Kat (Brynn Tyler) – A potential replacement for Cherry Pop being auditioned by Chad. Has zero brains and even less talent. She’s more like Kitty Litter.
The Cowboy (Alan Stafford) – The Cowboy is a famous tv commercial cowboy, but his real name is Ian and he lives with his mom. Is still somehow a big catch, because he’s a cowboy, don’t you know?
Jonah (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Cherry’s old ex-boyfriend who wanted to be a NASCAR racer. Was to be her prom date but stood her up.
Naked Lust
She’s naked and has lust, I dunno!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - May 5, 2013 at 6:10 am

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Lust Sessions


Lust Sessions


2008
Written by April White and Edward Gorsuch
Directed by Dante Giove

Lust Sessions
The name’s Sessions. Lust Sessions.

You ever have one of those friends who always has relationship advice, but couldn’t hold a partner for more than a few weeks? Well, what if that friend was also a sex therapist? That’s the premise of Lust Sessions, where your lustiest desires don’t really fit into the rather straightforward plot. Unless your desires have to due with therapy sessions, hence the title.

What does happen is therapist Kate Williams has problems of her own. She even knows she has problems, even though she doesn’t really do anything about them except run away. But Kate is about to make a huge mistake, which could cost her everything – her relationship, her career, her sweet parking spot – and she must face her problems. And it doesn’t hurt to have people who are about you who are willing to seek out their own revenge!

Lust Sessions
People Watching Big Bang Theory: The Movie

Lust Sessions gets some props for having a female lead with problems, but also for dealing with some of the fallout that would happen in many of these softcore films where fidelity is a naughty word and boning happens at the drop of a hat. There is actual character development here! The major drawback is the whole concept does seem like a film that would be on Lifetime Channel. That’s the complete opposite target audience, but it also recognizes the reality that an increasing number of women watch these films, and many couples watch them together. While that is not a majority of the viewers, it is no longer a rare unicorn.

Kate Williams (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – A Love Coach who helps couples find what they are missing. Which is usually just something simple…or so it seems! But just like them, Kate has her own problems that seem simple to solve, but are anything but. And they lead to the big problems that are at the root of the plot. Amy Lindsay is also in Insatiable Obsession
Ann (Cassie Young) – A lady who has problems being assertive. She was dating Drake despite him being married, but breaks up with him early in the film as she’s practicing standing up for herself. When Drake causes problems for Kate, Ann stands up even more. Cassie Young is also in Bikini Pirates.
Brian (Justin Magnum) – Kate’s boyfriend, who she has problems committing to due to her own issues. Brian is just a cool guy with an accent.
Drake (Danny Pape as Danny Dagger) – Married, but seeing Ann. A compelte arrogant jerk. Danny Pape was channeling Tom Cruise in his performance, which made things seem cooler.
Carrie (Jezebelle Bond) – Kate’s client who likes to be in control of relationships. Helps Kate when she has problems.
Jenna (Katrina Isis) – Kate’s friend who helps her deal with her problems in a sort of problem trade. She’s dating a guy named Nick (Roger Stanford) who commits the crime of liking her, and enjoying sex with her more than jogging. The freak!
Lust Sessions
Oh boy, here we go!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 6, 2013 at 11:28 am

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Lady Chatterley’s Daughter


Lady Chatterley’s Daughter

aka Lady Chatterley’s Ghost

2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)

Lady Chatterley's Daughter
Look, it’s a magical butterfly! Flap flap flap!

Despite a few interesting touches, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter is slow going and takes too long to get to the plot, what little plot their is. It’s not absolutely terrible, but it’s part of a pedigree of of Bikini films that everyone admires, so higher standards must be held. In that end, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter fails to deliver an interesting story, and will more likely end up with late night Cinemax watchers asleep on the couch.

Lady Chatterley's Ghost
This ain’t how you bust ghosts!

As the well-worn tome shown during the opening credits attests, D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 book Lady Chatterley’s Lover has had quite an influence on erotic literature (and other erotica!) And now it will vaguely influence this film! Senator Reed Smoot said of the original work: “I’ve not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley’s Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!” Needless to say, it’s import was banned before being fought over in the courts (where the book and others like it prevailed in 1959 and was allowed to both be imported without censor and published in the US.)

Lady Chatterley’s Daughter marks some of the transition between Retromedia and Synthetic Filmwerx, as Retromedia still has the opening production company clip, but Synthetic Filmwerx’s name appears as well in the title credits.

Lady Chatterley's Ghost
Talk to the hand, because the face is busy boning a ghost actress who haunts a book to save my marriage!

Sandra (Holly Sampson) – Lonely housewife married to Charles. Spends her days reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover over and over again. Holly Sampson is also in the Emmanuelle 2000 series, including Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise, as well as the whole Tiger Woods scandal thing.
Charles Maitlin (Randy Spears) – Successful estate lawyer married to Sandra, but also getting some side action with Connie. Which he doesn’t know is part of a larger plan. Randy Spears is a Bikini movie regular in addition to his other softcore and hardcore work.
Connie (Jessie Lunderby) – Constance goes by Connie, and shows up as a live-in maid, but is also Charles’ mistress. And she’s a ghost! Spoilers. Jessie Lunderby reads all her lines like they’re a run-on sentence. Which sort of works in giving her an other-worldly feel. Constance is also Lady Chatterley’s first name in the novel.
Sophia (Cassandra Cruz as Vanessa Brink) – Sandra’s friend who both does not believe in tarot cards but also constantly does tarot card readings. It is a mystery! Cassandra Cruz is the star of Bigger the Pole, the Tighter the Hole; Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story; and Club Satan: The Witches Sabbath.
Keith (Nick Manning) – The handyman/gardener for the Maitlin household, and Sandra’s fantasy lover probably because he’s the only other male around. In real life they are good friends, but not good enough for Keith to warn Sandra fishy things are happening after having sex with Connie. Nick Manning is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Lady Chatterley's Daughter
Windows 8 requires a constant wifi connection to your post-it notes!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 5, 2013 at 2:11 pm

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