Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Barber

Dark Secrets

That’s not how you tell secrets!

Relationships relationships relationships. And also hot sex. Mainline Releasing drops another cool script from Tina Hawthorne that takes another softcore film on a deep introspective journey to look at the relationships of the people who are its subjects. The dissection is so complete that a major character is a group couples therapist, who helps the various pairings with their issues. Some things can be dealt with, and some relationships aren’t worth saving.

Be warned, audience, Dark Secrets might actually make you think for a bit! Sure, it’s got naked people being nude with each other, but also people talk and learn give and takes of relationships. Thus becoming stronger as they learn to work with each other. Sure, a few of the compromises get simplified to just boning each other, but there is a quota of sex scenes we need to fill here, people!

Two relationships have problems in that both members each have their own little things that need to get ironed out. So the therapy session helps because they have a chance to discuss it, instead of just getting angry and exploding at each other. The group couples therapy would seem to be advantageous because you can see similarities to facets of your own relationship when you hear others talk about theirs. But you might also learn things you don’t really want to know about your friends, so I don’t suggest jumping right into group couples therapy with all your friends. And every group has that one friend’s significant other that everyone hates. Yes, he’s in this film as well.

Dark Secrets

I hate this painting. HATE!!

David doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the group because he’s said to be older and doesn’t really care for Marisa’s going to school or doing much of anything except living off of him. David always seems to have the right line to compliment all the other girls, but rarely bothers to connect with Marisa. It is apparent to everyone that Marisa is on her last legs in that relationship, fed up with David’s crap and attempts to control things. David ticks off the other guys at therapy with his empty platitudes, coming out at a disadvantage while Marisa becomes more empowered by the sessions. It’s clear that being around other people helps give Marisa confidence, something David isn’t too keen on, as confidence means she won’t be doing what he says. David’s personality is more complicated at first, but by the end of the film he becomes cartoonishly evil. A switch goes off once Marisa becomes free, and David can’t handle it, can’t handle the being out of control. The Dark Secret of David is he’s a violent sociopath!

Marisa (Jayden Cole) – Young student dating the much older David, who seems like he knows all the answers, but really doesn’t know much, especially about Marisa. But he does know how to be disturbingly violent if Marisa brakes up with him… Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Frankenstein, and Naughty Reunion.
David (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
Felicia (Heather Vahn) – Marisa and Bree’s friend, her boyfriend Max spends all his time working on his laptop and being passive aggressive when she tries to drag him to group couples therapy. Felicia is worried about the time Max spends not paying attention to her and her needs. As this is pre-boob job Heather Vahn, it also helps date how long ago this was filmed vs. being released. Heather Vahn also stars in the political thriller Grab and Bind: Heather Vahn, Political Prisoner
Max (Michael Vegas) – Felicia’s boyfriend who is probably very busy with work right now, though if you are a naked Felicia he can pause a bit to have sex with you. Does not like David. At all. Michael Vegas sweeps the leg in The Karate Kid XXX: A DreamZone Parody.
Bree (Victoria White) – Marisa and Felicia’s friend who helps convince Marisa to bring David to therapy. Defends some of David’s statements (because they compliment her) though eventually makes up with her boyfriend. This relationship only seems to need therapy because Brian is angry 24/7. Victoria White also appears in Sexual Quest.
Brian (Richard Lounello) – Bree’s boyfriend. Is constantly angry. About everything. Has HUGE ears. Does not like David. At all. Richard Lounello also appears in Battledogs.
Dr. Serena Daniels (Kelli McCarty) – Therapist who hosts group couples therapy sessions, which are as exciting as you think they would be to be in. Despite being a trained psychologist, she’s not above having sex with her patients. Let’s hope the California Board of Psychology doesn’t watch this movie! Kelli McCarty is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

Dark Secrets

How dare you criticize my Naruto/Pokemon slash fic!

Dark Secrets

The secrets got to be dark, so I can’t turn on the lights.

David wakes up his girlfriend Marisa “the easy way”, which should be more like the hard way, if you catch my drift. For those of you that don’t, that means they are having the sex.

David is a photographer who is setting up in the living room, like all true photographers. Marisa needs to get ready to go to class…allowing David time to complain about how college is a waste of time. Controlling much?

After class, Marisa chats with her two girlfriends Bree and Felicia over coffee (on an expensive patio at somebody’s multi-million dollar LA house. How are all these students affording this again???) and complains about how she was late for pottery class and missed how to use the new wheel and messed up her piece and it’s all David’s fault. Pottery class? Maybe David is right about this whole waste of time thing….

Marisa’s two friends quickly take David’s side because he’s rich, older, and wiser. Marisa complains that she doesn’t really know David that well despite their months of dating, this allows Bree and Felicia to go off on how awesome therapy is and how Marisa and David should totally go to their group sessions and it has made them learn so much about their boyfriends, though somehow neither boyfriend has committed to either girl (and Max has been dating Felicia for four years!) Marisa agrees to try to get David to come as the girls head home.

Max is hard at work on a proposal due today, but Felicia wants some attention. He’s also blowing off therapy, which is enough for her to complain more and thus they get it on to make it work. And convince Max to go to therapy.

Now it’s time for the amazing group therapy sessions! It’s group therapy for all three couples (David and Marisa arriving a bit late, but still in time) at the practice of Dr. Serena Daniels. This is the first we see of Brian, who is angry angry angry. Felicia wants to talk about when you know you are with the one, which makes Max hostile.
Serena talks about how he’s still about not paying attention to when Felicia is needing attention, and everyone needs to work on communication.

David dominates the conversation, Marisa saying absolutely nothing and David complimenting all the other women while angering the men. David also exaggerates about how much attention he gives Marisa. Marisa and David head home and get it on on the couch, celebrating surviving therapy with their friends.

Felicia and Max bicker more about communication and honesty. I guess it’s honest fighting and therefore communication. Brian is still angry, and even more angry that David will be at tonight’s session, while Bree defends David like she does so many times. Brian and Bree then make up a bit in the shower and get it on.

David and Marisa don’t make the next sessions, so Brian and Max bad talk David about how he’s a jerk who says outrageous stuff but can’t see Marisa is ready to leave him. Max gets madder and madder and blames David for causing fights with Felicia, then storms off when Dr. Serena asks him more questions. David and Marisa then arrive late, David confused as to why Max was driving off angry in the parking lot.

Felicia then goes home with Brian and Bree, and David and Marisa soon get into a fight when he calls her friends all stereotypes, and she storms off. So David then starts hitting on Serena, telling her to have more confidence and trust herself and soon they are making out and making babies.

Is this why therapy is so popular?

Afterwards, a we go through a series of shots show that each of the partners are avoiding one another within the same home. We also see Dr. Serena reading therapy books, digging herself back in study to deal with the mistake she made. This is a pretty good montage, some great creative energy went into this.

Dark Secrets

The dark secret of sleeping with makeup on!

Dark Secrets

Look, just because I’ve memorized the entire run of DuckTales and can do all the voices doesn’t make it a “dark secret”!

The three girls get together to chat about their problems. They seem to get father in their chatting session than in actual therapy. Hmmmm….

They decide to set up another group therapy session to solve Marisa’s issues that they just talked about. Uh…okay. Felicia will try to seduce Max for attention, by being naked except for shoes

It works! Amazing….

Brian doesn’t want to go to the therapy session as he’s tired, until Bree recharges him via sex.

It works! Amazing….

The two sex scenes flip back and forth, each couple having their own different sex song. This shows the dichotomy of these two relationships getting stronger through both parties working together…though mainly through the women seducing the men through sex.

Group therapy time! Marisa is breaking up with David, and complains she knows nothing about him. She goes to move her stuff out of his place while he is supposed to sit in therapy and feel bad.

David gets more and more upset and decides he’s going home as well. Though he’s a jerk, I do understand why he doesn’t want to stay in the therapy session, even though they’d give him some actual constructive criticism that he could use.

Serena determines he’s going to hurt Marisa because he’s an obsessive control freak. She knows this because she read a book. They call the police and Max and Brian and Serena head over to stop anything stupid.

Max and Brian arrive just as David is pushing Marisa around, grab him off and Serena yells at him. David is too angry to think, and still tries to attack everyone. His world of control breaking down around him. So he gets arrested! David better hope he’s friends with a lawyer.

Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets…dark wood on the deck!

Dark Secrets

And thus Sonic fan characters became illegal, with punishments equal to death. The world was saved!

Rated 7/10 (MRG, textbook, the cop, the stance, the car, the wall painting, the other wall painting)

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Dark Secrets

You got something in your nose!

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