Softcore actress Amy Lindsay appears in Ted Cruz commercial!

Amy Lindsay Ted Cruz Conservatives Anonymous

Wait, I meant to sign up for a Caribbean Cruise, not Ted Cruz!

It seems presidential candidate Ted Cruz has a problem, and that problem is being too lazy to Google the actors appearing in his commercials. Thus Amy Lindsay made an appearance in his Conservatives Anonymous spot, which is all fine and dandy except that she starred in a number of softcore movies. Cruz freaked out and yanked the spot, but not before it became a big new item (and he summarily released an Office Space parody video instead to try to cover this up!) We’re doing our part at TarsTarkas.NET to keep this in the news for two reasons: 1. Fuck Ted Cruz. 2. We’ve actually reviewed several Amy Lindsay movies, so this topic is relevant to our site!

BuzzFeed of all places broke the story:

“The actress responded to an open casting call. She passed her audition and got the job. Unfortunately, she was not vetted by the production company. Had the campaign known of her full filmography, we obviously would not have let her appear in the ad,” Tyler said.

Prior to the Cruz campaign pulling the ad, Lindsay told BuzzFeed News in a phone interview on Thursday that she’s a Christian conservative and a Republican. While she emphasized that she did not do hardcore porn and that she also appeared in non-erotic films, Lindsay said she thinks it is “cool” that an actor who has appeared in softcore porn could also appear in Cruz’s ad.

“In a cool way, then hey, then it’s not just some old, white Christian bigot that people want to say, ‘It could be, maybe, a cool kind of open-minded woman like me,’” she said of people supporting Cruz.

Though Lindsay initially told BuzzFeed News that the person at the campaign who hired her “absolutely knew everything that I had done,” she later called back to say that she realized that was not the case.

“I have clearly talked to the filmmakers and stuff and just to be clear, I assumed that they knew, but none of the filmmakers or the casting director knew about my complete filmography in the past that you’re talking about, so I was wrong in that statement,” Lindsay said, saying that she had assumed that an old friend of hers from an acting class who was present when she was hired was aware of her film history.

Amy Lindsay is rightfully peeved by the turn of events, so let’s ignore the fact that she aligns differently with this site and celebrate her filmography as reviewed here! We’ve encountered her three times: Bikini Airways saw Lindsay playing a former model turned lesbian who was looking for a rich guy to marry and take care of her. Insatiable Obsession featured Lindsay as a married woman plagued by a haunted house that held a secret. And Lust Sessions featured Lindsay as a love coach who helped her patients with their relationships, but also needed help on her own. (She was also on Star Trek: Voyager, which means she will live on forever in Trekkie circles regardless of her other films!)

Let’s keep Ted Cruz angry by keeping this is the news!

Lust Sessions

Lust Sessions

Written by April White and Edward Gorsuch
Directed by Dante Giove

Lust Sessions
The name’s Sessions. Lust Sessions.

You ever have one of those friends who always has relationship advice, but couldn’t hold a partner for more than a few weeks? Well, what if that friend was also a sex therapist? That’s the premise of Lust Sessions, where your lustiest desires don’t really fit into the rather straightforward plot. Unless your desires have to due with therapy sessions, hence the title.

What does happen is therapist Kate Williams has problems of her own. She even knows she has problems, even though she doesn’t really do anything about them except run away. But Kate is about to make a huge mistake, which could cost her everything – her relationship, her career, her sweet parking spot – and she must face her problems. And it doesn’t hurt to have people who are about you who are willing to seek out their own revenge!

Lust Sessions
People Watching Big Bang Theory: The Movie

Lust Sessions gets some props for having a female lead with problems, but also for dealing with some of the fallout that would happen in many of these softcore films where fidelity is a naughty word and boning happens at the drop of a hat. There is actual character development here! The major drawback is the whole concept does seem like a film that would be on Lifetime Channel. That’s the complete opposite target audience, but it also recognizes the reality that an increasing number of women watch these films, and many couples watch them together. While that is not a majority of the viewers, it is no longer a rare unicorn.

Kate Williams (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – A Love Coach who helps couples find what they are missing. Which is usually just something simple…or so it seems! But just like them, Kate has her own problems that seem simple to solve, but are anything but. And they lead to the big problems that are at the root of the plot. Amy Lindsay is also in Insatiable Obsession
Ann (Cassie Young) – A lady who has problems being assertive. She was dating Drake despite him being married, but breaks up with him early in the film as she’s practicing standing up for herself. When Drake causes problems for Kate, Ann stands up even more. Cassie Young is also in Bikini Pirates.
Brian (Justin Magnum) – Kate’s boyfriend, who she has problems committing to due to her own issues. Brian is just a cool guy with an accent.
Drake (Danny Pape as Danny Dagger) – Married, but seeing Ann. A compelte arrogant jerk. Danny Pape was channeling Tom Cruise in his performance, which made things seem cooler.
Carrie (Jezebelle Bond) – Kate’s client who likes to be in control of relationships. Helps Kate when she has problems.
Jenna (Katrina Isis) – Kate’s friend who helps her deal with her problems in a sort of problem trade. She’s dating a guy named Nick (Roger Stanford) who commits the crime of liking her, and enjoying sex with her more than jogging. The freak!
Lust Sessions
Oh boy, here we go!

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Insatiable Obsession (Review)

Insatiable Obsession

Directed by Woquini Adams

Ghosts are common in softcore films because they can be brought in rather cheaply and still make erotic stories that aren’t boring. They also tap into the “love from beyond the grave” vibe that is popular with romance types. We pretty much know why we’re here, so I can’t really give a nice long opening discussion. Especially since I can’t find much information about Woquini Adams, but there is one more Woquini Adams movie in the pipeline.

All the sex scenes are loud vocal affairs. So if you like noise, this is the movie for you. If you also like weird ghost story movies, this is the movie for you. If you like sepia tones this is the movie for you. If you like movies about house repair guys who go nuts and tie people up, this is the movie for you. If you like movies about frogs who eat beans, this is not the movie for you. I am still looking for that movie. But I will find it one day, and it will be glorious.

So have ghost women told you stuff about their murder and then joined in during sex with your wife? Because I can imagine that being rather annoying. Who wants female Slimer in the bedroom? Get out, ghost lady! And stop showing me where treasure is buried! I got enough treasure lying around the house.

Colin Blake (Sean Juergens) – Husband, writer. Like all writers, Colin can’t write unless his in in some very specific circumstances: 1- Colin must have 1 glass of white wine and 1 glass of red wine. 2- Colin must use a typewriter because only real writers use typewriters. 3- Colin must be at a Starbucks so people can see him typing on his typewriter. 4- Colin must be wearing a red shirt with green pants and a pink scarf. 5- Colin must never use the letter “e” in any of his stories. 6- Colin can only write 3 sentences at a time before he must play computer Solitare. 7- You must never discuss with Colin “How’s the story coming?” or Colin will stab you in the thigh. Sean Juergens is somewhere in Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise.
Winn Blake (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – Colin’s lovely wife who is totally obsessed with getting away from it all into a random house in a random town. And also falling asleep waiting for her husband to stop writing and have sex with her. Before she was married to this writer guy, Amy Lindsay was all about having sex in airplanes as you can see in Bikini Airways
Kate (Chloe) – The real estate agent in charge of showing the house who somehow is also in charge of showing the house off to prospective renters, which I would think sort of makes it hard to sell the house while random people are staying there. I guess that is why I am not a real estate agent. That, and I don’t like lying to people and setting up housing bubbles that destroy the economy. I am sure you have figured out that Chloe’s singular name means she is a porn star, because she is. Chloe has seen more wiener than Oscar Meyer in such films as Zorho Meets the Mob, Poon Raider, and Buttwoman vs. Buttwoman.
Ketcher (William Lawson) – Is in the rye. A crazy home repair guy who is obsessed with finding the treasure in the house, to the point where he sabotages things and even takes people by gunpoint and forces them to get it on while staring all creepily.
Stella (Monique Parent as Monique Harlowe) – It’s a ghost! Someone call the Ghostbusters! Stella doesn’t quite understand she’s dead and is still wandering around her house solving the mystery of her death, which isn’t a mystery because DUH she was killed by her crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband. What’s next, John Wilkes Booth’s ghost wandering around the White House trying to find out who killed Lincoln? Monique Parent was also in Voodoo Dollz and a bajillion other softcore films.

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Bikini Airways (Review)

Bikini Airways

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Airways
Bikini Airways follows the old Inherit A Business Plot, which is a branch off of the Help a Relative Save A Business Plot, but with the added benefit of not hiring the relative actors. Girl inherits business, it is failing, so dump a bunch of bikinis all over it and everyone wins! Especially the audience. The only problem is by now this is a by the numbers plotline, which is why the bikini movies have moved more into erotic parodies of film genres instead of following the same plot over and over just at a different job. This film’s location will be an airline, so expect referenced to the Mile High Club, lots of stewardess fantasies, and jokes about cockpits.
Bikini Airways

A Retromedia release, directed by Nicholas Medina (the Bikini films pseudonym for Fred Olen Ray) and filled with the usual jokes mixed with sex scenes formula that has proven popular. Four of these films come out each year, with varied settings that allow lots of fun spoofing of film conventions. There was a while when there was a big influx of imitators, with dozens of movies with the word “Bikini” in the title came out set practically everywhere (the most ridiculous I have see was Bikini Traffic School) but the Retromedia series has endured due to the entertaining scripts and settings, mixed with the very talented performers. Basically, they are a whole lot of fun, especially compared to many of their competitors.

Terri Williams (Regina Russell) – Never done real work as she had money growing up to give her the freedom to be a fulltime animal rights activist and overseas volunteer in Afghanistan. Only child and orphan. Inherits Janus Air when her Uncle Hugh passes on, and must save the company. Because that’s what you do in these films! Regina Russell also had a part in The Mummy’s Kiss.
Gary (Brad Bartram) – The groom is an oil tycoon’s son, he is about the marry the “virgin” Francine. Unlike the Virgin Connie Swail, she is not. Eventually drills for oil in the Terri Williams protected reserve, if you catch my inuendo. Brad Bartram is in a bunch of these films, he will show up again soon.
Jim (Noah Frank) – The boyfriend of Terri who won’t be the boyfriend by the end of the movie, due to his cheating heart. And his cheating wang. Is a photographer, who doesn’t make money, instead works by the barter system.
Traci (Loni Lynn) – The large breasted one who didn’t do well in high school. You will like her signature move. Loni Lynn is also known as Kim Maddox. Is very entertaining.
Vicki (Kylie Biscayne) – Has red hair, is a speedster in the car (especially while nude), and a cockpit fanatic. Spent part of the dance sequence staring right at the camera. Kylie Biscayne can be seen in several other Bikini films and is also known as Belinda Gavin.
Pam (Julie Snow) – former famous model who lost all her money, became a lesbian, and then decided that the real way to go is to marry the first rich guy who comes along and do nothing for the rest of her life. Julie Snow is also known as Amy Lindsay
Captain Sam (Jay Richardson) – Captain Sam has been a pilot for 25 years. Enjoys Irish Coffee with whipped cream while he flies. A big fan of Polaroid. Also a big fan of making a quick buck off of opportunity. Jay Richardson is in a billion Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski films. He even played a “Hugh Janus” in Final Examination, filmed about when this film was.
Co-Pilot Dave (Sam Silver) – Dave spends most of the film staring at various curvy parts of the women. He is a UFO buff. Likes to get high…in a plane!

Bikini Airways
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