The Mummy’s Kiss (Review)

The Mummy’s Kiss

Mia Zottoli as Ramsay Amun/Hor-Shep-Sut
Sasha Peralto as Ana Harwa/Princess Hat-Em-Akhet
George Thomas as Professor Carter Moore
Aysia Lee as Tina Kim
Richard Lynch as Dr. Wallis Harwa
Arthur Roberts as Osiris
Katie Lohmann as Isis

Shhhh!!! Be very very quiet! We’re sneaking downstairs to catch a glimpse of late night TV, since we’re tired of going to bed early. Luckily Step-father is asleep on the couch, so we can change channels without much trouble. Let’s see what’s on the pay channels tonight…HBO has Out For A Kill, Showtime is playing a Queer as Folk marathon…what’s this? The Mummy’s Kiss? I liked the first two Mummy movies, let’s give this one a whirl. Hey….SHE’S NAKED! WHOA!

After the opening credits nakedness, we focus in at Whemple University (Go Whemp U!) where the security guards are hard at work listening to Mummy Rap. (Or is it Mummy wrap? Actually, the title of the song makes that joke as well, as the joke was fresh back when most Mummies were still full of life.) Our heroine is Ana Harwa, played by the lovely Sasha Peralto. Here she plays the typical college girl, banging her professor. Since good old Whemple University seems pretty lax on such rules, her affair with Professor Carter Moore is a somewhat open secret. Professor Carter Moore was given one of those names that you picture him as a square-jawed iron man fighting dozens of Nazis bareknuckled, with a ripped shirt, as he escapes over the boarder to Switzerland so he can return to fight the Nazis another day. Instead, we get some slightly above average looking guy, who is pretty uninteresting. What is interesting is his hot assistant, Tina Kim, played by Aysia Lee. Professor Moore (no relation to Michael) and his lovely assistant Tina are opening up crates full of priceless Egyptian artifacts that Ana’s uncle unearthed in Egypt years ago, stole from the country, and then left in boxes collecting dust because he was too busy to do anything with them. This makes less sense, as his job is an Egyptian Studies Professor, so he should be writing papers on those artifacts and applying for grants. Instead, he just stares at ancient pottery all day, as we shall see later.

Professor Moore and the lovely Tina Kim are about to open a crate containing a mummy. A crate that hasn’t been open in years. In the middle of the warehouse. So they do, which is then followed by opening the sarcophagus, which was sealed like 5000 years ago, in the middle of the warehouse floor, with no special tools, with no special protection, just because Professor Moore is bored. The mummy inside belongs to one Hor-Shep-Sut. Whore-Sheep-Slut? I don’t like what that implies… Once the sarcophagus is opened, and we see the mummy, they start manhandling it. How did these loon get to be a professor? Luckily for us, Ana touches it, which whisks her away to a fantasy set ancient Egypt. A sexy fantasy. Full of naked women. Including Ana Harwa. Black Nubian Guards stand watch as the topless white women in ancient Egypt bathe each other, until a Sorceress Lady appears, with which Ana has some lesbian sex. The Sorceress has also used her magic powers to give herself breast implants, while Ana seems to be implant free, though she does have a tattoo that must have also been created by magic.

After the sex-padding, Ana awakes to find Professor Moore worried about her. They were about to remove a mask from the mummy, but were rudely stopped by Ana fainting. Ana wants them to wait until her uncle arrives, probably because ripping off clothing of ancient mummies in the middle of an aisle in the middle of a warehouse isn’t exactly the best place. It’s also good that they’ve stopped, as Professor Moore has to teach a class in a few minutes. As we cut to girls in the hallway wearing clothes so trashy hookers wouldn’t be caught dead in them stroll to class, we discover Professor Moore is the hottest thing to hit Whemple College since Buddists Monks self-immolating while protesting the Vietnam War fell off the bell tower and crashed into the cafeteria. Funny thing to bring up self-immolation, the next actor to show up actually set himself on fire while high on acid back in the 1960’s. It’s Richard Lynch, who Trekkers shall remember as Baran from the two part Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “Gambit.” This time, instead of playing an evil alien space pirate, he’s a boring Egyptian Egyptologist who looks nothing like his niece Ana nor anything close to Egyptian, though neither do any of the actors who are Egyptian in this film, with possible exception of the Nubians. He gives Ana a book on Mummy’s that looks like it was produced for five year olds, as Professor Harwa knows his niece’s reading level.

We can’t have a mummy movie without mummies coming alive and staggering around, so it’s time for some mummy reanimation. That night, the security guards from the morning are still on duty, and Guard Dick goes to sneak a peek at the mummy. The mummy, who is still lying in her sarcophagus, in the crate, in the middle of the aisle in the middle of the floor of the warehouse (Were all these professors born in a barn?) comes alive as Guard Dick rips off the mask of the mummy. Dick is choked, then fried. Guard Chuck comes running, only to find that dead mummies aren’t killed again by bullets. The mummy morphs into the Sorceress from earlier, as she is Hor-Shep-Sut. Hor-Shep-Sut hypnotizes Chuck and makes him her new Nubian guard. The next morning, all of the Egyptian artifacts are missing.

Dr. Harwa is incensed at their disappearance. He knows it was an inside job, as the guards are missing and there is no sign of a break-in. He is also wearing a cape. At first I thought it was supposed to be some Egyptian Cape, but I can’t remember any Egyptians wearing capes, so maybe he’s just eccentric (that’s the polite way of saying that not all his dogs are barking.) Dr. Harwa then confirms the dog silence theory by saying he has a premonition about the mummy being evil and this will now lead them “down the most terrifying journey of their life.” I guess Egyptians were also all psychics. So Dr. Harwa just lets his idiotic assistant Professor Carter Moore and the lovely Tina Kim open a mummy he knew was evil? Okay.

Hor-Shep-Sut and her Nubian are hiding out at an abandoned theater who’s outside looks like a run-down bowling alley. Hor-Shep-Sut talks to the images of Osiris and Isis about what she needs to do to reunite with her long lost love, who’s soul is now inhabiting Ana’s body. Isis also happens to be naked, probably because no one has talked to her in 4000 years, so she thought it was safe to take a shower, and wouldn’t you know, she gets a teleconference call with Osiris and Hor-Shep-Sut. The gods tell Hor-Shep-Sut to get more powerful she must lure nubile young things back to her lair, sex them up, and steal their immortal coz. Coz? What is a coz? Bill Cosby? Are Jello Pudding Pops behind an evil Egyptian plot? I knew it all along…

Back in school, Professor Carter Moore gives a lecture in his history class (full of the trashy hall-walkers) about Egyptian Ka. The Ka (not Coz, I guess) is like your alter ego/immortal soul, but not really. Thanks, that explains everything! The Mummy’s Kiss is the movie that answers your questions in confusing lecture form. This is slightly preferable to verbose and confusing old man in a room of TV’s form, like the Matrix movies used. After class, “Ramsay Amum” (aka Hor-Shep-Sut in disguise!) starts to chat up Professor Moore. Ana returns then, and it’s deja vu for her. Ana and “Ramsay” get some coffee, where Hor-Shep-Sut gives Ana her necklace, meanwhile Moore is bothered by more co-eds in tight sweaters looking for higher grades, which they think will be given by removing said sweaters. Moore rejects them, but they go home to play with each other. Hor-Shep-Sut has other plans for them, and soon they are de-Kaed.

Dr. Harwa tells Professor Carter Moore the story about Hor-Shep-Sut and her Princess Lover (who is now Ana)

~~~~~~Pause Story here for Lesbian Sex~~~~~

Sex has ended, continue story. Princess Lover’s father is a Republican or something and opposed to the lesbian shenanigans, and has Hor-Shep-Sut mummified, but with a special mask that will keep her from reaching the afterlife, and her heart is also removed and put in a vase. The same vase that’s in Professor Harwa’s office right now. And now you know the REST of the story…

Dr. Harwa gives Professor Moore an amulet to protect his niece. Moore goes to see Ana at her incredibly expensive home that she seems to live in by herself, but Hor-Shep-Sut is there, and Ana gives him the third degree, then several more degrees as she breaks up with him. Hor-Shep-Sut has left by then, but because she’s attacking Dr. Harwa to get her heart back. Hor-Shep-Sut has Jedi Force powers and does a force choke on Dr. Harwa. OR he has a heart attack. I prefer the Force Choking, makes this movie more exciting. Carter and the lovely Tina Kim race back to Harwa’s office, and Harwa tells them where the Hor-Shep-Sut is hiding, and then dies.

Ana wanders into the abandoned theater because a dream told her to or some nonsense, and the preparations begin to return her memory of being an Egyptian Princess Lesbian, and they will both enter the afterlife together. Before Hor-Shep-Sut transforms her, they decide to enjoy sex one more time. I’m not complaining. In fact, they should enjoy sex several dozen more times, as far as I’m concerned.

Carter and the lovely Tina Kim storm the theater. Chuck the Nubian security guard is killed to prevent him shooting them dead. Meanwhile, Hor-Shep-Sut has only to cut out Ana’s heart to win, but she starts monologuing. The topless Ka-less co-ed who are now slaves of Hor-Shep-Sut attack. Carter is paralyzed with fear. Or maybe an erection. Whatever it is, he becomes completely useless. The girls tear at the lovely Tina Kim’s shirt(YES!). The lovely Tina Kim is sick of the lame Carter being lame, so she pulls out the magic amulet (how’d she get it?) and uses it to burn the co-eds, killing them. Carter becomes a little less lame, but will prove just as useless in the next scene when they reach Hor-Shep-Sut. Hor-Shep-Sut force chokes Carter and he just collapses uselessly. Professor Carter Moore is the most useless hero in the history of Late Night Cinemax T&A films. The lovely Tina Kim takes matters into her own hands, and rips the mask of death off of the statue it is put on and replaces it on Hor-Shep-Sut’s face, while reciting the weakest reading of “whore” ever uttered on film. This defeats Hor-Shep-Sut, who turns back into a real mummy and back into dead. The defeat of Hor-Shep-Sut turns the lovely Tina Kim on or something and she starts making out with the useless Carter. Ana wakes up as well.

Now, Hor-Shep-Sut and all the other Egyptian artifacts are crated back up and put into storage, to be taken out again in case of a sequel. Maybe it’s an homage to Raiders of the Lost Ark, but probably not. Useless Carter and the lovely Tina Kim are now an item, and Ana has gone loco a gogo, and now spends her days wandering around town in a bikini and Egyptian headdress, a fitting end. Hor-Shep-Sut will return in The Mummy’s Kiss: 2nd Dynasty.

Well, that was a lovely way to spend an evening. Amazing that one of these films had an actual plot, and even special effects. Plus, it was lesbian heavy, which is always a big bonus. Another bonus was the lovely Tina Kim, played by the lovely Aysia Lee. It looks like Step-father is starting to stir, so we better be heading off to bed before we get in trouble. Until tomorrow night’s adventure, the TV Guide says something called Playmates of the Apes is on, I love Roddy McDowall, I bet it will be awesome!

Rated 6/10 (Protective amulet, Blue Peepers, THIS is the Pharaoh? He’s a freak! How’d he get such a hot daughter?, Scary Monsters, Dog shaped Vase, The lovely Tina Kim)

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