Bikini Airways

2003
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Bikini Airways follows the old Inherit A Business Plot, which is a branch off of the Help a Relative Save A Business Plot, but with the added benefit of not hiring the relative actors. Girl inherits business, it is failing, so dump a bunch of bikinis all over it and everyone wins! Especially the audience. The only problem is by now this is a by the numbers plotline, which is why the bikini movies have moved more into erotic parodies of film genres instead of following the same plot over and over just at a different job. This film’s location will be an airline, so expect referenced to the Mile High Club, lots of stewardess fantasies, and jokes about cockpits.

A Retromedia release, directed by Nicholas Medina (the Bikini films pseudonym for Fred Olen Ray) and filled with the usual jokes mixed with sex scenes formula that has proven popular. Four of these films come out each year, with varied settings that allow lots of fun spoofing of film conventions. There was a while when there was a big influx of imitators, with dozens of movies with the word “Bikini” in the title came out set practically everywhere (the most ridiculous I have see was Bikini Traffic School) but the Retromedia series has endured due to the entertaining scripts and settings, mixed with the very talented performers. Basically, they are a whole lot of fun, especially compared to many of their competitors.

Terri Williams (Regina Russell) – Never done real work as she had money growing up to give her the freedom to be a fulltime animal rights activist and overseas volunteer in Afghanistan. Only child and orphan. Inherits Janus Air when her Uncle Hugh passes on, and must save the company. Because that’s what you do in these films! Regina Russell also had a part in The Mummy’s Kiss. Gary (Brad Bartram) – The groom is an oil tycoon’s son, he is about the marry the “virgin” Francine. Unlike the Virgin Connie Swail, she is not. Eventually drills for oil in the Terri Williams protected reserve, if you catch my inuendo. Brad Bartram is in a bunch of these films, he will show up again soon. Jim (Noah Frank) – The boyfriend of Terri who won’t be the boyfriend by the end of the movie, due to his cheating heart. And his cheating wang. Is a photographer, who doesn’t make money, instead works by the barter system. Traci (Loni Lynn) – The large breasted one who didn’t do well in high school. You will like her signature move. Loni Lynn is also known as Kim Maddox. Is very entertaining. Vicki (Kylie Biscayne) – Has red hair, is a speedster in the car (especially while nude), and a cockpit fanatic. Spent part of the dance sequence staring right at the camera. Kylie Biscayne can be seen in several other Bikini films and is also known as Belinda Gavin. Pam (Julie Snow) – former famous model who lost all her money, became a lesbian, and then decided that the real way to go is to marry the first rich guy who comes along and do nothing for the rest of her life. Julie Snow is also known as Amy Lindsay Captain Sam (Jay Richardson) – Captain Sam has been a pilot for 25 years. Enjoys Irish Coffee with whipped cream while he flies. A big fan of Polaroid. Also a big fan of making a quick buck off of opportunity. Jay Richardson is in a billion Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski films. He even played a “Hugh Janus” in Final Examination, filmed about when this film was. Co-Pilot Dave (Sam Silver) – Dave spends most of the film staring at various curvy parts of the women. He is a UFO buff. Likes to get high…in a plane!

We start with a Luchador Peeping Tom! Peeping Santo! He spies on Terri. Peeping Santo bursts in to her bedroom, she pins him. It is the boyfriend Jim, so they have sex. Non-airway sex. One the bed sex. The song that plays during the deed sounds like the beginning of Earth Angel (sung in Back to the Future) gone surf. Lots of creaky bed sounds in the sex scene here.

After release, Terri gets a call, her Uncle Hugh has died and he left her his airline. So she goes to the airport and meets the pilots Gary and Jim, who are also working the counter. The business is called Janus Airways (Do you get the joke? Really? You don’t? What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously, go back and read this entire review again and again until you do get the joke!) Gary and Jim give her a letter from her late Uncle Hugh (Now that you get the joke it is funny, right?) Terri reads the note at a random bridge area and we get lots of flashback jokes using stock footage as the uncle narrates the note. Bonus shots of Fred’s wife as Mrs. Janus.

Boyfriend Jim is in the middle of a photoshoot with three models – what a good excuse to have women in lingerie! They are Traci, Vicki, and Pam (read their bios above, I have no time to repeat things because that cuts into my movie-watching time!) Terri comes in complaining about how the airline is doomed. Jim gets an idea to have the models work the airline counter to attract business, and they agree because they can do that and still have time to go to a bachelor party for a rich dude that night. Everyone is happy, and the three models decide they need to practice their performance art…a lesbian threesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On to the bikini girls dancing at the airport…an entire full song plays as they dance, prance, wiggle, jiggle, and entice customers walking by, but all of that doesn’t bring in any real business. Plus they get a bill for $25,000! Ruh roh! Bad news for everyone, as the bikini girls find out the bachelor party is canceled, as the oil typhoon’s (tycoon) son it was for had to cancel to go rescue his wife-to-be who is trapped in Miami. Everything is ending up bad for everyone! It is a disaster. There can be no hope. 🙁

Wait! An idea! Have the bachelor party on the plane…for $25,000! The oil tycoon’s son Gary agrees, and everything is saved! After dressing up the plane, Gary and his two friends arrive (played by Frankie Cullen and Leland Jay), while Jim is employed as the official party cameraman. I am not sure why you would want a tape of your bachelor party, but okay. It does allow us to get little vignettes of all the characters randomly through the rest of the film, most of which look like they were improvised on the spot by the actors. The vignettes are pretty neat and a unique feature as far as I know.

As the men board the plane, it becomes clear who will be hooking up with who: The Groomsman will be getting with Traci, while Pam will make sure the Best Man lives up to his title. The plane takes off…it is a bouncy ride…I mean a bumpy ride. And bouncy. Very bouncy.

Terri knows the quickest way to make these dudes have a good time is to get them drunk, so that happens. During the festivities, Gary will continually call his “virginal” fiancée, Francine (played by Maya Devine credited as Wendy Devine), who each time is currently boffing some random bozo. Ah, faithful women…

Bachelor Party show time! As we all know, bachelor parties on airplanes involves women dancing around in various stages of undress as guys hoot and holler. This is all too hot for Gary, who has to leave and runs into Terri crunching numbers. They have a heartfelt talk. The party is still going on…Traci takes the Groomsman to the bathroom to join the mile high club. The party continues with the other two girls now in costume (as a Genie and a French Maid…possibly the same French Maid costume from Tarzeena, while the Genie costume from is probably in Genie in a Sting Bikini.) The party lasts a while with the girls writhing on each other, and don’t forget Traci and the Groomsman sexing it up in the bathroom, which is interspliced with the action. They become full members of the club, in case you were wondering.

Terri is not in the mood for sex from Jim, who has become all horned up thanks to the writhing ladies. He returns to the party to see the Best Man getting it on with the remaining two girls! Jim starts to film, but then Vicki switches from Best Man to him. We enter sex scene city, folks, as we jump between three different couples coupling. With their genitals.

Terri wanders around looking for Jim and spies him sexing up another chick. He’s totally going to get dumped. Terri oddly doesn’t interrupt him and just wanders away in shock. Captain Sam goes to look for whip cream for his coffee and sees all the sex going on, he is also in shock. Gary talks with Terri, expressing doubts about his impending nuptials as Francine is his father’s business partner’s daughter Gary feels pressured to tie the knot. So they sex it up, Bikini Airways mile high club style! You can’t say you didn’t see that coming. Stevie Wonder saw it coming. Will Smith in I, Robot saw it coming. Even if you were as blind as Anne Frank you would see it coming! The poor pilots are the only ones not getting any at this point. But that is probably good, or this would turn into Bikini Alive and cast members in bikinis would be eaten one by one.

After the sex, Gary talks with his fiancée, who says she can’t marry him because she is too proud of being a virgin and is going to become a nun. She says this while riding the pizza guy and the music is a piano keyboard version of the song Linus and Lucy! Is this some sort of airline peanuts joke? Or maybe the pizza guy is Charlie Brown. Now it makes sense.

Captain Sam gets the idea to Polaroid all the sexing going on. No one in this movie seems at all worried about film and movie records of their getting it on. This is pre-YouTube dominating everything, but the internet and photos of ex-girlfriends/sex tapes were common enough at this point. Maybe it is a reflection of our culture with so many people not caring that the world sees them in coitus. Or maybe I am way overthinking a movie called Bikini Airways! The photos the Captain takes gives the film an excuse to lengthen the sex scenes as well.

So they land in Miami, and it is a happy ending for all! Except for Jim, who is now alone because even Vicki doesn’t want to date a guy who cheated on someone with her. At the end, the Captain gets lei’ed, and we are promised Bikini Frankenstein. I’m still waiting! But maybe not for long…

Though a by the numbers movie, it manages to be pretty entertaining. Kim Maddox/Loni Lynn is hilarious, it is a shame she is not in more movies but it looks like she snagged a rich husband pretty quickly. My wife and I had been watching several of the more recent Bikini movies, and then we watched this older entry where most of the cast was different, which was weird at first but we warmed up to some of them (and some of the cast then showed up in films we watched afterwards, mixing with the newer casts, making a Circle of Life kind of thing that helped blend it all together. The Circle of Bikini.)

Rated 8/10 (Santo Shush, Janus Stamp, Biplane Rider, Uncle Hugh, Cardboard Bikini, Cleaning Windshields, UFOs, The Virgin Strikes!)

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