Ever thought prison movies needed more sorority girls and dinosaurs? Sure, we all have. And Jurassic Block is the movie for you! It’s got locked up sorority girls, velociraptors, Ray Wise, and that special direct to SyFy flair that you just can’t get anywhere else. Did I mention dinosaurs, in prison? The only thing that would be cooler is if the dinosaurs were locked up for various crimes, and have mug shots.
Sean Cain directs and writes, and Jurassic Block stars Ray Wise, Vernon Wells, Kevin Gage, Dana Melanie, Kayla Carlyle, and Monique Parent.
A trio of sorority girls are tossed in the drunk tank after a wild party gone wrong. They have to team up with some nasty characters to survive the night after a pack of Velociraptors get loose when a secret convoy is diverted from their original destination to the bowels of the jail.
Ghosts are common in softcore films because they can be brought in rather cheaply and still make erotic stories that aren’t boring. They also tap into the “love from beyond the grave” vibe that is popular with romance types. We pretty much know why we’re here, so I can’t really give a nice long opening discussion. Especially since I can’t find much information about Woquini Adams, but there is one more Woquini Adams movie in the pipeline.
All the sex scenes are loud vocal affairs. So if you like noise, this is the movie for you. If you also like weird ghost story movies, this is the movie for you. If you like sepia tones this is the movie for you. If you like movies about house repair guys who go nuts and tie people up, this is the movie for you. If you like movies about frogs who eat beans, this is not the movie for you. I am still looking for that movie. But I will find it one day, and it will be glorious.
So have ghost women told you stuff about their murder and then joined in during sex with your wife? Because I can imagine that being rather annoying. Who wants female Slimer in the bedroom? Get out, ghost lady! And stop showing me where treasure is buried! I got enough treasure lying around the house.
Colin Blake (Sean Juergens) – Husband, writer. Like all writers, Colin can’t write unless his in in some very specific circumstances: 1- Colin must have 1 glass of white wine and 1 glass of red wine. 2- Colin must use a typewriter because only real writers use typewriters. 3- Colin must be at a Starbucks so people can see him typing on his typewriter. 4- Colin must be wearing a red shirt with green pants and a pink scarf. 5- Colin must never use the letter “e” in any of his stories. 6- Colin can only write 3 sentences at a time before he must play computer Solitare. 7- You must never discuss with Colin “How’s the story coming?” or Colin will stab you in the thigh. Sean Juergens is somewhere in Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise.
Winn Blake (Amy Lindsay as Leah Riley) – Colin’s lovely wife who is totally obsessed with getting away from it all into a random house in a random town. And also falling asleep waiting for her husband to stop writing and have sex with her. Before she was married to this writer guy, Amy Lindsay was all about having sex in airplanes as you can see in Bikini Airways
Kate (Chloe) – The real estate agent in charge of showing the house who somehow is also in charge of showing the house off to prospective renters, which I would think sort of makes it hard to sell the house while random people are staying there. I guess that is why I am not a real estate agent. That, and I don’t like lying to people and setting up housing bubbles that destroy the economy. I am sure you have figured out that Chloe’s singular name means she is a porn star, because she is. Chloe has seen more wiener than Oscar Meyer in such films as Zorho Meets the Mob, Poon Raider, and Buttwoman vs. Buttwoman.
Ketcher (William Lawson) – Is in the rye. A crazy home repair guy who is obsessed with finding the treasure in the house, to the point where he sabotages things and even takes people by gunpoint and forces them to get it on while staring all creepily.
Stella (Monique Parent as Monique Harlowe) – It’s a ghost! Someone call the Ghostbusters! Stella doesn’t quite understand she’s dead and is still wandering around her house solving the mystery of her death, which isn’t a mystery because DUH she was killed by her crazy soon-to-be-ex-husband. What’s next, John Wilkes Booth’s ghost wandering around the White House trying to find out who killed Lincoln? Monique Parent was also in Voodoo Dollz and a bajillion other softcore films.
2008 Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Royale is a sequel to The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., which I haven’t seen, but that isn’t necessary to follow the plot here. As you have probably guessed, this is a riff on spy films such as James Bond. Riffing on Bond seems to be just as profitable as doing the actual Bond films, and there continues to be Bond sendups created year after year.
Tanya X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret Agent Tanya X is the best agent in B.I.K.I.N.I.. And also the hottest. And possibly the only agent, because she’s the only one we ever see. She gets her man and gets it on, often with said man, other men, and other women. No word on if Tanya X is the daughter of Malcolm X.
Corrine (Nicole Sheridan) – Evil mistress of Parker Savage who works for Dr. Nyet and distrusts interior designers. Ruthless and efficient. Has a fondness for black bodysuits.
Parker Savage (Evan Stone) – Parker Savage heads Parker Savage Industries, and is very successful despite being very clueless. His brother is a doctor.
Sophie (Christine Nguyen) – Sophie is a professional poker player and card counter brought in by Mark Tenn to assist with learning how to lose effectively at poker. She ends up losing her clothes and getting involved in a threesome, because that’s what happens in these movies.
Mark Tenn (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – CIA agent and former partner of Tanya X in her previous outing. Mark Tenn and her have an adversarial relationship despite their numerous onscreen couplings. Mark Tenn has x-ray contacts, but they still don’t make him look any better in lipstick.
Dr. Nyet (Monique Parent) – Dr. Nyet died in the last film, except she didn’t and we explain that later. She is evil and behind the whole plot to sell missile plans or something. And she has lesbian sex. That’s far more important than the plot.
Mr. Whately (Ted Monte) – Head of B.I.K.I.N.I. and a quintuple agent, or something.
Photo Lady (Syren) – Target of Tanya X’s spying, the Photo Lady assumes it has something to do with her impending divorce and fails to realize her stolen microchip is the real target. Likes showers, photography, and sealing things.
Tang (Charlie Laine) – Dr. Nyet’s assistant who gets some physical rewards for her activities. Has visited the moon with the astronauts.
Newton (Ted Newsom) – Newton is the Q of B.I.K.I.N.I. and provides all the fun gadgets. For some reason Tanya X and Newton don’t seem to like each other much, but isn’t explained, maybe in the previous film.
2008 Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Voodoo Dollz is a satirization of those awful movies where girls go to private school and there are secret witches and devil worshiping going on. Many of these films are from the 1970’s, thus have slow pacing, awful cameras, and look like everyone is high on Mary Jane. Thankfully, most of the boring stuff is dropped from this entry, and we get an erotic parody done up Fred Olen Ray style! Many of the familiar females make an appearance, and we get one, lone male entry – Alexandre Boisvert, aka Voodoo, thus giving us the title Voodoo Dollz. There is no Evan Stone, Bart Batram, Ted Newsom, or Jay Richardson. But the many many women means lots of lesbian encounters!
The movie has recently came out on DVD, but as I am poor I had to dub this off of the free cable that comes with renting. I bet you can’t figure out which channel it was on! Stupid logos. Is there even any action in this (of the non-sex kind?) Maybe three seconds of tossing candles. At least these films captured directly off of cable look better than the older screen captures from the SciFi Channel films I taped on vhs and then tried to screencap.
Maria (Charlie Laine) – Student at the Dunwich School for Girls, ends up becoming Christina’s roommate after her previous roommate disappeared in the middle of the night. In love with the handyman Jeff, but her plans to run away with him are stymied due to her involvement in an evil cult. Adult actress Charlie Laine is a newcomer to Fred Olen Ray movies, debuting here and in Bikini Royale. She Charlie Laine in such fine films as Decline of Western Civilization Part 69: The Porno Years (I was unaware those documentaries were that far along in the series!), The Boobs of Hazzard 2, and Hogtied Victims of Evil Minds.
Jilly (Beverly Lynne) – Student at the Dunwich School for Girls, roommate of Sandra and enjoys taunting Maria about how they all share Jeff. Almost jumps to the wrong conclusion. Beverly Lynne is a star of many late night films like these, including Super Ninja Doll.
Miss Dambahla (Monique Parent) – Headmistress of the Dunwich School for Girls and loyal follower of Pakumba. I spent the first time I watched this thinking her name was “Dumbella”. Oddly enough, I saw Monique Parent in a completely unrelated film the day before I saw this one. Isn’t that exciting? Eventually, that one will be up here as well, but I shall keep its name secret. She played a villain there as well.
Miss Anton (Michelle Bauer) – Headmistress of Collinsport School for Girls, and disapprover of schoolgirl lesbian antics. Michelle Bauer is a B-movie Queen who has been in films such as Vampire Vixens from Venus, The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers in her over 100 film appearances.
Meg (Kitty Jung as Kitty Katzu) – Classmate of Christina’s at Collinsport School for Girls, and a big fan of lesbians. Kitty Jung was also in Super Ninja Doll.
Pakumba (himself) – He is Jabootu‘s nephew and a lover of women. Too bad for him he isn’t treated with fire-resistant chemicals. It is illegal to worship Pakumba in the Netherlands.