Dangerous Passions (Review)

Dangerous Passions

Directed by Woquini Adams
Written by Ashley Nielsen

Another softcore flick from Woquini Adams, this time written by Ashley Nielsen, who also wrote the Woquini Adams flick Deviant Passions. It must be tough to be a Hollywood writer who only writes for films with “Passions” in the title directed by Woquini Adams. But if Woquini Adams directs Passions of the Christ, you got it made! Now, we are not certain Woquini Adams and Ashley Nielsen are real people, but if they are, good luck to them. I’ve seen some awful films of this nature over the years, and this is certainly not one of the awful ones.

One thing this film does have (besides naked boobs of the breasts variety) is lots of coin collector nerdage. As a former coin collector who still has a bunch of old coins stashed in my mom’s attic, the language was like a warm familiar blanket. But no one has ever murdered me over my coins…yet!

Detective Walt Hodges (Randy Spears) – Hodges is the detective who is always on the case. He never gets taken off the case by a yelling boss. Maybe he should start playing by his own rules or something. But he catches the bad guys regardless so I guess that’s okay. Randy Spears is a mega porn star who has also moved on to directing porn. Randy Spears has probably had more sex in the time it took you to read this review than you will have this year.
Darlene Stern (Jezebelle Bond) – Secretary for Floyd Winslow who wants to help run his music producer business, thus she’s sleeping with him. Attempts to take over the business after his death. Because more and more strung out as the movie progresses. Jezebelle Bond has juggled more balls than a circus clown in such films as The Boobs of Hazzard 2, Lezbo a Go-Go, and When the Boyz Are Away the Girlz Will Play 11
Janice Winslow (Julia Kruis) – the wife of the late Floyd Winslow, former Miss Texas, and accused golddigger. She then becomes a target so Detective Hodges can give her some police protection. If you know what I mean. Julia Kruis was in Wild Child 2 as Julie Skiru.
Lorraine Lewis (Wendy Rice) – Walt Hodges TV reporter girlfriend who gets him in trouble because she’s good at her job.
Floyd Winslow (Danny Pape) – A suicide…NOT! Investigation of the murder turns into a sexy mystery that you might take a few minutes to figure out before you just keep watching for the sex.
Gloria Bradly (Nikita Cash) – A tennis instructor and sometimes lesbian lover. Nikita Cash is an adult actress who has been nailed more than Christ in such films as A Midsummer Night’s Cream, Stop! My Ass Is on Fire!, and Throbin Hood.
Derek Dembro (Dick Smothers Jr.) – washed up former rocker trying to get Floyd Winslow to produce his next album. Also implicated in Floyd’s death. Dick Smothers Jr. is the son of Dick Smothers from the Smothers Brothers fame, who went into the adult business under his real name. At this time he has left adult films, but when he was in them he was in two of the Sex Trek films, Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4 and Sex Trek: Charly XXX.
Greg Hampton (Ben Gold) – Coin Guy, you coiny mofo! Coin Guy loves coins. He loves them so much, he pays lots of money for them. All cash, under the table. Coin Guy’s arch enemy is IRS Audit Man! His favorite color is red and his favorite fish is herring.
Captain Vogel (Daryl Burq Pearson) – Hey, this Captain doesn’t yell at the cops and take them off the case! We need more case taking offing action!
Mr. Jenkins (Bill Hindley) – Mr. Jenkins is the nosy neighbor who is currently peeping on your wife in the shower. And taking notes. And video taping it. And uploading it to YouTube. And calling the cops on your wife for wasting so much water. Why does your wife shower so long? It is probably because she likes Mr. Jenkins peeping on her.

Detective Walt Hodges and his live-in girlfriend, Lorraine Lewis, are getting it on, morning wakeup sex style. After the deed is done, Detective Hodges is called into work because some dude shot himself. Or did he…?

No, because otherwise the movie would be over. So now Detective Hodges is investigating music producer Floyd Winslow’s apparent suicide, complete with note with suspicious rip at the end of it. Hmmmm….

The distraught secretary Darlene comes in and mentions his gold-digger wife, Janice Winslow, who we cut to just finishing a tennis lesson with her instructor. Her female instructor Gloria Bradly. Who Janice Winslow complains to about how her husband is distant. This means the women will have lesbian sex, because that’s what women do when they complain about their distant husbands. Your wife is probably doing it right now with her girlfriends as you spend your time here on TarsTarkas.NET. But if you try to spend time with your wife, she’ll pretend it never happened. Don’t believe the lies!

Detective Hodges’s girlfriend Lorraine, a reporter, tries to get info out of her man, but fails. Hodges goes to see Janice about her dead hubby, and Janice was unaware. Hodges returns to the office and confers with Captain Vogel because gun was fired twice but only one shot hit Floyd. Hodges must look for second bullet tomorrow. No hurry, it’s only murder. First he’s got to go home to the girlfriend, and have sex on the couch. Afterwards, they watch TV, and see Lorraine’s report on the news about the suicide story. Lorraine mentions a suicide not, and Hodges gets upset because everyone will blame him for leaking even though he didn’t and she won’t reveal the source because she’s a reporter. This is the source of the domestic turbulence in their relationship.

Janice flashing back to her hubby and his coin obsession, then some flashback sex on the couch. The next morning Hodges is back at the office looking for clues of the suicide/murder. Some Blue’s clues. Hodges finds an address book and the second bullet in the wall hidden behind a moved cabinet. I guess it was easier to move a giant cabinet than it was to pull a barely in the wall bullet out of the wall before moving the cabinet.

Hodges then goes to visit Derek, a former musician who met with Floyd the day he died. So Floyd gives a flashback of the meeting, which basically is Floyd saying he is going to produce Derek’s new album. Next Hodges meets with Greg Hampton, the coin buyer guy who is totally obsessed with coins. He’s a coinaholic. Greg Hampton probably jerks it to photos of 1955 double die pennies. Hampton gives us a flashback to his meeting with Floyd Winslow and buying coins off of him. The writer or someone is completely into coins, and they are throwing out rare coin facts that I barely remember from when I was way into coin collecting when I was 12. The main rare coin mentioned (because it sort of factors into the plot) is the 1913 Liberty Head nickel – only five were ever minted, the fifth one being missing for 40 years (it still was when this film was being made, but is no longer missing) Hampton thinks Floyd had it.

Darlene and Derek meet and talk, and mention how Derek was really ran out of Floyd’s office by Floyd waving a gun. This somehow leads to more sex on another couch. Couches are the real winners in Dangerous Passions. Hodges confers with Captain again, and has a security tape which he watches and sees Derek Dembrow on tape way later than he claimed with a bunch of money. So Derek is proved to be a liar, and Captain gets mad that Lorraine had info on the case that only Hodges should know. So there is trouble there.

Derek gets arrested. Meanwhile, someone is breaking into Janice’s house looking in Floyd’s coins. Gee, could it be the coin guy Greg Hampton? Duh. But we don’t find out until much later despite already knowing. Ah, Coin Guy. So predictable, so obviously a red herring. Gloria fantasizes with herself masturbation style thinking about getting it on with Janice again. Grieving widows are know for their lesbian fantasies.

Derek gets interrogated and reveals he wasn’t going to get any money from Floyd and Floyd hated his new music. He went back later to yell at Floyd but he was already dead. Derek then grabbed a stack of money he saw on Floyd’s desk because Floyd wasn’t going to use it anymore.

Hodges and Lorraine go for a jog, then go for a break. Of their relationship. Which frees Hodges up to do some investigating on the side, if you catch my drift. But that won’t be for three more paragraphs.

Coin Guy goes to see Darlene asking about coins of Floyd’s, while Darlene seems to be trying to run the business even after Floyd’s death. Greg Hampton gives her some money for a coin and that makes her all horned up, to the point of her stripping and masturbating on the desk. You know, if this happened more often in the world of coin collecting I wouldn’t have given it up back when I was 12. Heck, I would have all fifty state quarters! But now I just have Alabama. Stupid Alabama.

Hodges meets with Janice about footprints outside her house. Coin shaped footprints… Hodgest then talks to Mr. Jenkins the nosy neighbor who mentions a mystery car watching the Winslow house. He gives the license plate number to Walt – it’s secretary Darlene’s car! Mystery solved, except the film is still going so I guess not.

Coin Guy questioning Darlene again about the darn 1913 nickel leads to a flashback of a sex scene with her and Floyd. Hodges then stops by Janice’s place and they end up getting it on, cop and murder suspect style. See, I promised you they would be aardvarking!

Darlene wants Derek to do his next album in jail, but he wonders where she’ll get the money to produce it. Because she’s crazy and getting more and more strung out as the movie progresses. To the point where she goes to Janice’s house with a gun, and Mr. Jenkins the neighbor sees all and calls Detective Hodges.

Darlene is all about trying to get Janice to fund her business, eventually at the barrel of a gun when she says no. This isn’t a crazy, desperate woman, this is high-risk venture capitalism at its finest! Why won’t you let the free market be free? Darlene’s waving of the gun around is compounded by the flashback sex sequence they threw in for good measure. Why the heck not?

Hodges busts in and Darlene threatens Janice. Darlene reveals she overheard Floyd badmouth her and thus revenge time. Murder revenge. Murder as a fake suicide revenge. Revenge is a dish that is best served cold, like gazpacho. Darlene then starts babbling about how she couldn’t live without Floyd. Yep. She’s crazy. So crazy she drops the gun and gets arrested.

But on the bright side, Derek probably got enough media exposure he will be able to ind a backer for a new album very soon!

Detective Hodges and his girlfriend Lorraine make up in bed. But not with a sex scene, because that would be morally wrong, as they are not married. Don’t sin!

Janice sells her house and goes to live with the rare 1913 nickel she secretly still has! Take that, Coin Guy!

The end!

Rated 5/10 (Tiki man, suicide note, another Tiki man, bullet in the wall, superrare nickel)

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