The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.
The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.
2007
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
 |
|
I keep mine next to my Merry Marvel Marching Society card!
|
In TarsTarkas.NET’s quest to eventually get around to things, several Fred Olen Ray Bikini flicks are on the bucket list. So let’s begin to empty said bucket(which sadly had been buried beneath a pile of thousands of buckets filled with thousands of lists since 2004!) The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is the first of the Tanya X movies (so first that she’s called Tania X here!), which went on to have two sequels (Bikini Royale and Bikini Royale 2) and a webseries that I believe was edited into another film. But this is the one that started it all.
 |
|
Attica! Attica!
|
The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.‘s biggest problem is the date rape sequence. I’ve watched enough of these types of films that I know that slipping a woman some drugs that makes her super-horny is occasionally a thing, but here it’s done in an ultra-sleazy manner and Tanya wakes up with memory loss the next day. It’s disturbing.
Something that is interesting is the scene where Mong Lee (played by white actor Evan Stone), a sort of white warrior servant who wears mixed Asian combat garb, dresses in yellowface as a super stereotypical Asian person, right down to greasy black hair, ridiculous Coke-bottle glasses, and buck teeth. He wears the disguise over his own clothes, which bulge out from underneath, and it is insanely obvious that he is not what he appears to be. Needless to say, the disguise works. The thing is, is this disguise racist, or is the character using Asian stereotypes that the heroes fall for to his advantage to do his job, despite not being Asian? And if so, would that make the heroes racist, and Mong Lee someone who takes advantage of the ignorance of the masses? These are the questions asked by so many people watching these Skinimax flicks at 2am!
 |
|
Mission: Impossible 5 was almost as bad as Mission: Impossible 2!
|
While the problems all go away by the next Tanya X adventure, we must discuss them, because them’s the rules. The spy genre’s campy nature makes it a ripe ground for parodies, allowing the adding of fantastic elements in addition to the expected hot babes in little clothing. The genre’s mainstream acceptance also means there will be spy erotic parodies for decades to come. Heh-heh-heh, I said “come!”
|
 |
|
The Mime from BIKINI!
|
Lady Chatterley’s Daughter
Lady Chatterley’s Daughter
aka Lady Chatterley’s Ghost
2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)
 |
|
Look, it’s a magical butterfly! Flap flap flap!
|
Despite a few interesting touches, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter is slow going and takes too long to get to the plot, what little plot their is. It’s not absolutely terrible, but it’s part of a pedigree of of Bikini films that everyone admires, so higher standards must be held. In that end, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter fails to deliver an interesting story, and will more likely end up with late night Cinemax watchers asleep on the couch.
 |
|
This ain’t how you bust ghosts!
|
As the well-worn tome shown during the opening credits attests, D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 book Lady Chatterley’s Lover has had quite an influence on erotic literature (and other erotica!) And now it will vaguely influence this film! Senator Reed Smoot said of the original work: “I’ve not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley’s Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!” Needless to say, it’s import was banned before being fought over in the courts (where the book and others like it prevailed in 1959 and was allowed to both be imported without censor and published in the US.)
Lady Chatterley’s Daughter marks some of the transition between Retromedia and Synthetic Filmwerx, as Retromedia still has the opening production company clip, but Synthetic Filmwerx’s name appears as well in the title credits.
 |
|
Talk to the hand, because the face is busy boning a ghost actress who haunts a book to save my marriage!
|
|
 |
|
Windows 8 requires a constant wifi connection to your post-it notes!
|
Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: bikini movie madness, Cassandra Cruz, Fred Olen Ray, Holly Sampson, Jessie Lunderby, Lesbians, Nick Manning, Randy Spears, softcore, Synthetic Filmwerx
Cougar School
Cougar School
2009
Written by Ellis Walkerson
Directed by Demitri Nessun
 |
|
Great, I forgot my Cougar Trigonometry homework again…
|
There is a lot going on Cougar School beyond just your normal late night Cinemax softcore romp. How much of that is intentional and how much of it just sprung up out of my head is probably up to debate. But it’s going to get covered here regardless, because that’s how we roll at TarsTarkas.NET! Cougar School gets the term in its name from the older woman who date much younger men. But there is only one cougar in Cougar School, and she’s more of a cougar gold digger, looking for young rich men. Of course, this is due to an age issue of its own, she was dumped by her husband for a younger woman. Even more ironically, the Stepmom was herself the younger woman that broke up the husband’s prior marriage.
One interesting thing is actresses who are real life porn starlets degrading characters who are porn starlets in the film. The characters seem like they’ve become mouthpieces denouncing the very thing the actors saying the statements are. The association isn’t that having sex for money is bad, but being unselective in who you have sex with for money is the problem. Going out and seducing millionaires is better than being a porn star, and you can only seduce millionaires of a certain age limit, as Mammary Lane is also degraded for her attempted marriage to an 85 year old. It is an unspoken rule that you can’t be too greedy. There is a line, an invisible line, that must not be crossed. Mammary Lane crosses this line, and she must be punished. It isn’t about strict morals, it’s about going to far.
 |
|
Before we begin, we need to chalk it up…
|
Stepmom doesn’t even get a name in the entire film. She doesn’t even need a name, she becomes a concept, beyond the person. She’s everyone’s stepmom, everyone’s gold digger, everyone’s cougar. She’s everyone who’s had to struggle, but had one asset that landed them on easy street, with the constant fear that they might go back to scraping and struggling. She’s also sympathetic, especially when compared to the new gold digger in town. The one painted as bad, because instead of enjoying her new found wealth she plans on squandering it. It’s responsible cougarism that is the goal here. While the film doesn’t try to paint Stepmom as an angel (Karen flatly states that she broke up her parents’ marriage), Mammary Lane is clearly the villain. Stepmom has the wisdom of time guiding her to a more moral choice, while Mammary Lane is still in the trenches, stabbing everything she can. The air of some sort of moral class warfare hangs heavy over Cougar School. What is the lesson that we should learn from class? And can anyone pay attention with all the naked nudity???
 |
|
How do you like my Picasso Tic-Tac-Toe painting?
|
While writer Ellis Walkerson has no other credits, director Demitri Nessun is credited with some episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and the humorous softcore thriller Naked Lust, which has gotten some positive reviews, making it stand above its generic title. Nessun seems like he’s unwilling to just give us a standard boring flick, and wants to do more. What is also interesting is this might be a spinoff of the softcore series Co-Ed Confidential, as both Michelle Maylene and Brandon Ruckdashel play characters with the same name on that show.
 |
|
They invested all their money in Bitcoins. Even we aren’t that desperate!
|
|
 |
|
Hi, I’m here to deliver a cease and desist on behalf of all cougars everywhere…
|
Bikini Pirates (Review)
Bikini Pirates
aka Harlots of the Caribbean
2006
Written by Fred Olen Ray
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
You would think that one day we’ll get to the end of the Retromedia Bikini films, but you are wrong. They are being made faster than I’ve been getting copies of the films, so they’ll continue to appear on TarsTarkas.NET forever! Luckily, they are pretty entertaining, hence why they continue to appear and I haven’t given up and started reviewing The Dead End Kids films. (Okay, the Dead End Kids films are pretty good, too… Some of them.)
Bikini Pirates features a small cast, and thanks to moving the action to the remote woods, the small cast feels natural and not like they’re avoiding plot points on purpose to hide from hiring a bunch of extras. So a good call there, though it does keep people like Ted Newsom from popping up, which is sad. The opening credits play over stock footage of diving scenes set to a Pirates of the Caribbean-ish theme song. As most of these Retromedia Bikini tales open with credits over cgi effects or stills that have been run through Photoshop filters, this is a colorful and interesting diversion.
To keep from listing the prior Bikini films over and over again in the roll call below, we’ve switched to linking to the actor’s tag so you can just click that and see everything they’ve been in that we’ve covered so far:
|
Dangerous Passions (Review)
Dangerous Passions
2006
Directed by Woquini Adams
Written by Ashley Nielsen
Another softcore flick from Woquini Adams, this time written by Ashley Nielsen, who also wrote the Woquini Adams flick Deviant Passions. It must be tough to be a Hollywood writer who only writes for films with “Passions” in the title directed by Woquini Adams. But if Woquini Adams directs Passions of the Christ, you got it made! Now, we are not certain Woquini Adams and Ashley Nielsen are real people, but if they are, good luck to them. I’ve seen some awful films of this nature over the years, and this is certainly not one of the awful ones.
One thing this film does have (besides naked boobs of the breasts variety) is lots of coin collector nerdage. As a former coin collector who still has a bunch of old coins stashed in my mom’s attic, the language was like a warm familiar blanket. But no one has ever murdered me over my coins…yet!
|
Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Ashley Nielsen, Ben Gold, Bill Hindley, Danny Pape, Daryl Burq Pearson, Dick Smothers Jr., Jezebelle Bond, Julia Kruis, Nikita Cash, Randy Spears, softcore, Wendy Rice, Woquini Adams
