Stalked By My Doctor
Written and directed by Doug Campbell
The last Lifetime Original Movie of 2015 turned out to be one of the best! Stalked By My Doctor takes the standard creepy stalker narrative and gives us Eric Roberts as the stalk doc, and he knocks it out of the freaking park! Sometimes Roberts is wasted by directors who don’t know what to do with him, but the man loves to work and he is fantastic at playing unhinged characters, and delivers a performance to remember as Dr. Albert Beck. Dr. Beck is one of the most talented and famous heart surgeons in the world, but he can’t get women to give him a second date. Or even finish the first date, as he usually creeps them out by demanding marriage and them quitting their jobs so they can raise his kids in a foreign country. Dr. Beck doesn’t take rejection lightly, throwing fits of various degrees that usually result in damage to trash in alleyways, but occasionally cause huge scenes in restaurants where dozens of people witness him screaming at his latest date as she tries to escape.
The breakdown scenes with Dr. Beck unleashing his frustration as to why no one will love him are amazing. He’s convinced he’s a doctor, he’s a catch, he’s worthy of love, but is unable to see how he presents himself to the women, so he blames them for his struggles. He’s delusional, and the fantasies begin to creep into his reality, causing him to lose track of time. Despite this, he’s very good at keeping his cover of being an eminent heart surgeon and a respectable doctor. Things change when his latest obsession appears, brought into the ER one fateful night…
Sophie Green (Brianna Chomer is your typical high school senior, complete with a jock boyfriend, ethnic best friend, and admission to her number one college choice. But her idiot boyfriend, Ryan (Carson Boatman), has a hobby of texting while driving. This has already lead to a fender bender, and now it leads to a serious auto accident where both of them are ambulanced to the hospital. Ryan has a broken leg (and goodbye football scholarship!), while Sophie has a rip jamming her heart and needs surgery, fast. Dr. Beck is there to save the day, and to become enamored with Sophie. Bloody women with major medical problems are such a turn on for creepsters!
What happened to DB Cooper? Besides being Jimmy James in NewsRadio and exposed on Leverage, White Collar, and Prison Break, no one knows who he really was. But now we’ll know who he really is, he’s a guy who fought Bigfoot!
In Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper, Linnea Quigley plays a flight attendant, and Eric Roberts is the older DB Cooper. Stunt actor Nils Allen Stewart plays the mythological Bigfoot, who turns out to be less of a myth than suspected. Or maybe DB Cooper is now more of a myth than suspected, and will soon battle Pecos Bill and Paul Bunyan.
David DeCoteau will direct Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper in between making a bunch of films with “666” in the title and 90210 Shark Attack. It must be all that A Talking Cat!?! money!
The poster was put on David’s blog. No other information is available besides the brief imdb listing with some of the cast. But the title alone will draw in a lot of viewers because both names are popular enough people will be like “Let’s check this out!” Here’s hoping Bigfoot steals the money and uses it to live large.
Because that is the only explanation. What is A Talking Cat!?! about? Obviously it’s about a talking cat and excessive punctuation. The talking cat of the title is voiced by Eric Roberts, who is the man you think of when you think of talking cats. Or even talking kittens, as that is what the cat is on the poster, even though it’s a full grown cat in the film!
The heartwarming story of Duffy (Eric Roberts), an adorable talking cat that brings two families together. Sometimes it takes a little help from a special cat to get people back on course. In this case, Duffy sets about to help two families enjoy each others’ gifts.
Wait, so Duffy the cat wanders into the middle of that old story about the husband who sold his watch to buy his wife some brushes and she sold her hair to buy him a watchband? Probably not, but now I have a screenplay to write.
I won’t even get into how badly the talking cat animation is. But it is bad.
The important question is: Does Duffy rap??? Not according to the preview, but it is entirely possible.
I hate it when people don’t leash their dogs at the beach
Sharktopus is Roger Corman’s latest, having found a new outlet to distribute his films through the SciFi Channel (never SyFy, never!), previous Corman films including Cyclops, Dinoshark, Supergator, and Dinocroc vs. Supergator. Thanks to me moving to a location without SciFi Channel at the moment, I have been slacking off on watching the newer flicks that don’t pop on DVD first, but Sharktopus is a special case so I knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who I traded a rock shaped like Sarah Jessica Parker to for a copy of Sharktopus he recorded off of TV. This is the new economy. I think he got the better end of the deal, but then it’s easy to find rocks shaped like horses– I mean, Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hey, I have glasses AND a ponytail now, that mean’s I’m the smartest one in here
Sharktopus has also ridden the wave of internet interest, just by the name “Sharktopus”. Buzz started immediately, with people trying to figure out what the creature would look like. There had been a recent string of SciFi Channel movies that have produced internet buzz, including Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Megapihrana, and MegaMegaMegaMegaMegaMega earthworm vs Giant Mega Vampire Cow. Granted, internet films don’t really have a big history of succeeding (see Snakes on a Plane) but for a low-budget creature flick on a cable channel, the buzz actually works. It has even succeeded in making an ever-increasing amount of films with ridiculous creature names and films where ridiculous creatures battle ridiculous creatures. Have the films themselves been any good? That’s more of a mixed bag.
But forget the rest of the flicks, this review is about Sharktopus! So let’s judge it against its peers, other SciFi Channel films. Compared to the rest, the acting is pretty darn awful. We usually expect the acting to not be very good, but Sharktopus is a step beyond the normal SciFi Channel mediocrity, even the bit players are worse than the stock bit players. You got to hand it to Bulgarian extras – they aren’t as bad as the spring break extras they got for this one. Since Sharktopus likes to set up different kills, we see a lot of the minor actors for an extended period of time. This becomes disadvantageous as many of them couldn’t act their way out of a paper sharktopus.
Mega Sharktopus vs. Herbie the Love Bug
The good is we see the monster a LOT more than usual, and that’s awesome. Because we want monster monster monster! This also makes it more satisfying when the bad actors get killed.
Eric Roberts – now with 95% more smug
DOA: Dead or Alive
Directed by Corey Yuen
DOA: Dead or Alive is not a movie. It is not a video game. It is a music video. A ninety minute music video with no discernable song (except maybe “I like the way you move” as it is used during one montage.) But you don’t need a song, you just need lots of women bouncing around in micro-clothes, and dozens of action sequences with posing shots. Actually, there is a movie a lot like this one, but instead of just being mindless action, Hero went a step farther and goes all commie in the end. DOA goes all “Let’s be friends!” and then goes back to sword-wielding chicks in spandex. That’s not to say DOA is any good. However, I was expecting it to be so horrible, that when it turned out to be passable I was pleasantly surprised. Sure, I’ll never watch it again, but there are many films I won’t be watching again, for I don’t have the time. Speaking of Hero, several of the scenes here are directly lifted from that film, as well as movies such as Crouching Tiger, Kill Bill, and Charlie’s Angels. Just part of the flash in the pan fun of DOA. But the imitations are not complete nor memorable on their own, giving another reason why there is little value in rewatching this film.
DOA: Dead or Alive is based on a series of video games, fighting video games mostly. These games have plots, as much of plots as fighting games can have, and the film chooses to ignore much of it. As I have never played the game nor care about the original story, it is not a big deal to me, but I remember a few people making a big stink when this came out. As some people complain about everything, they were easily ignored. They probably would have attacked the Q*Bert cartoon had it aired while they were alive. One of the main drawing points of the video games is the many teenage girls that bounce around and jiggle while beating the crap out of gigantic opponents. DOA games also spawned the ridiculous DOA Extreme Volleyball games, where you watch the female characters run around on an island, playing mini-games and buying ever-more revealing bikinis for the girls. Obviously a game for very lonely men. Fan service triumphed and there was plenty of volleyball in the DOA movie, but as they are real girls I am not complaining.
The movie plot itself is ludicrous. The DOA tournament is held, which randomly invites the world’s greatest fighters by some sort of flying invitation/blade that always seems to invite people just after a cool action sequence. They are then set against each other for a $10 million prize, but organizer Donovan may have another agenda. Realistic? Of course not, but much of this movie is not, so no bother. Luckily, some Wikipedia nerd has chosen to tell us that one of the major factual errors in the film is that a ninja clan would not be staffed by hundreds of armed soldiers. He seems not to have taken issue with the nanobot/magic sunglasses technology, which should tell you something about Wikipedia. The biggest flaw he found in a movie that opens with a girl fly-walking over hundreds of troops, diving off a sword, flying over a wall, ripping off her clothes to reveal a backpack, which opens to reveal a hang glider, and gets an invitation to the DOA tournament thrown at her by someone who was watching all this. But, yeah, too many armed guards for a ninja clan. Thanks Asperger McVirgin! People with too much time on their hands aside, the film is rife with several other problems, most noticeably the fact no one seems to get any injury at all, despite constantly being punched and thrown through walls. Hardly a bruise is to be found. It’s all fun and games until someone gets a paper cut. This would spoil all the fun, so just ignore the lack of wounds and go with it. Director Corey Yuen is a Hong Kong import, best known in the US for The Transporter, but best known to me for So Close.