Tag Archives: Uwe Boll

2008 Razzie noms – YAWN.

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Way to go after High School Musical 3. I see they did bother to remember they were formed to attack Sly Stallone, though.

Worst Picture:
Speed Racer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans, The Day the Earth Stood Still, High School Musical 3, The Hottie & The Nottie, Dungeon Siege, The Love Guru, Postal, Rambo, The Happening, Meet Dave, Witless Protection

Worst Actor:
Zac Efron, Dane Cook, Larry the Cable Guy, Eddie Murphy, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Sylvester Stallone, Tom Cruise (Valkyrie), Will Ferrell, Ashton Kutcher, Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, Mark Wahlberg

Worst Actress:
Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, The cast of “The Women,” Camilla Belle, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Diane Keaton, Jennifer Connelly, Zooey Deschanel [HOW DARE YOU!], Vanessa Hudgens, Eva Longoria-Parker, Reese Witherspoon

Worst Screen Couple:
Any couple from HSM 3, Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton & Joel David Moore, Kate Hudson & Dane Cook, Kate Hudson & Matthew McConaughey, Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy, Any couple from Mamma Mia, Eddie Murphy & Eddie Murphy (Meet Dave), Al Pacino & His Hair, Mark Wahlberg & Zooey Deschanel, Mark Wahlberg & Mila Kunis, Sylvester Stallone & His Ego

Worst Director:
Uwe Boll, Scott Derrickson, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Tom Putnam, Marco Schnabel, Sylvester Stallone, Jon Avnet, Diane English, Roland Emmerich, Brian Robbins, Kenny Ortega, M. Night Shyamalan

Worst Prequel, Sequel, Remake or Rip-Off:
Indiana Jones 4, HSM 3, Rambo, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, An American Carol, The Women, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Prom Night, Speed Racer, X-Files: I Want To Believe

Worst Career Achievement:
Uwe Boll, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Madonna, Keanu Reeves, Sylvester Stallone

House of the Dead 2 (Review)

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House of the Dead 2

aka House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim

2006
Starring
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Alex “Nightingale”
Ed Quinn as Ellis
Sticky Fingaz as Dalton
Victoria Pratt as Henson
James Parks as Bart
Dan Southworth as Nakagawa
Nadine Velazquez as Rodriguez
Sid Haig as Professor Curien
Directed by Michael Hurst

Dr. Uwe Boll shocked the world with his adaptation of Sega Games House of the Dead. Shocked as in people were shocked at how inept and mishandled a movie could be in this day and age. Despite being a bigger box office bomb than Hiroshima, House of the Dead made money, mostly through advanced DVD sales and television rights selling, combined with a German tax loophole that Boll is an expert in exploiting. Following the rules of Hollywood, if a movie even makes 1/2 a cent of profit, a sequel is instantly approved. Thus, we now are graced with House of the Dead 2. 95% of sequels are worse than their predecessors, but this is one of the rare 5% that is actually better than the film it’s related to. Does that make HOTD2 a good movie? Far from it, but it’s much more fun, and put together better. It’s still full of plot holes so large the planet earth could glide through with zero difficulty, and acting that’s outshone by posters on the wall. Dr. Boll was busy filming BloodRayne, so he was unable to make Cinematic Abortion 2: Abortion Boogaloo, so instead we get former kickboxing champion Michael Hurst. Michael Hurst may be familiar to you as the cowriter of Mansquito and Nature Unleashed: Fire, so he is versatile in the realm of schlock and crap. The two main stars are Ed Quinn from Starship Troopers 2, and Emmanuelle Vaugier, fresh off her starring role in Cerberus. Bonus stars who are actually much more famous than the leads include Sticky Fingaz as the leader of the Special forces group, who will become Blade in the TV series based on the movies. We also get Sid Haig, from House of 1000 Corpses, who must be trying to corner the market on House of…. movies, when he’s not starring with Pam Grier. There’s also a Power Ranger running around somewhere. Sure, it’s a dangerous film, fraught with the horrors of bad cinema, but it outshines it’s predecessor in several way. Is there any video game scenes as cuts? Is there 360 degree Matrix-style shots of every character? Is the small improvements enough to prevent damage to the minds of those who see this? Read on, read on…


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Bloodrayne (Review)

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Bloodrayne


2005
Starring
Kristanna Loken as Rayne
Michelle Rodriguez as Katarin
Ben Kingsley as Kagan
Michael Madsen as Vladimir
Matt Davis as Sebastian
Billy Zane as Elrich
Meat Loaf as Leonid
Directed by Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll is back! Dr. Boll returns with yet another lame video game to lamer movie adaptation! Miles away from House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne shows us how Dr. Boll has grown as a filmmaker. Like an inoperable brain tumor. Bloodrayne reaches new heights of lowness. That may not make sense, but it makes more sense than the movie. Bloodrayne the game is about a half-vampire girl named Rayne who kills Nazis, and the famous for losing money sequel involve her fighting her father Kagan in the year 2000 or so. Rayne is also pale white, and was in Playboy for some God forsaken reason. The German Uwe Boll apparently was not too keen on having Rayne kill a bunch of Germans, even though they were zombies, so he just rewrote everything and made it take place in the 1700s in Romania. Dr. Boll is to cinema what the desert is to a thirsty mouth. Defying all logic, Dr. Boll managed to score a plethora of big named stars, and will have even bigger names in his future projects. A juggernaut of suck, watch out you don’t get ran down.


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Alone in the Dark (Review)

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Alone in the Dark


2005
Starring
Christian Slater as Edward Carnby
Tara Reid as Aline Cedrac
Stephen Dorff as Commander Richards
Frank C. Turner as Fischer
Directed by Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll.

That’s pretty much all that needs to be said. Dr. Uwe Boll.

What can be said about this film that hasn’t already been said? Dr. Uwe Boll, the heir to the mantels of Ed Wood and Coleman Francis, returns again, armed with European funding, another video game franchise, and bad CGI. Dr. Uwe Boll cannot be stopped, there are at least four more video game movies from him headed down the pipeline. If there is one thing Dr. Uwe Boll is good at doing, it’s getting money from European guys. Now, he should put that talent to work in some area other than movies, because he has some sort of unnatural ability to get money despite the numerous evidence of him throwing said money into a gaping black hole of ruin never to be seen again. Dr. Uwe Boll will eventually deplete the entire economy of Europe and leave them all destitute and a starving Third World mess, while inflecting upon the rest of the world dozens of lackluster movies with random CGI and Matrix-shots that are all named after video games they have nothing in common with. So before Galaga the Movie is made featuring zombies or Dig Dug the Movie involving zombies, we must first strike a blow to the box office receipts and keep his features from reaching theaters, for the good of the world. This time, now, is the time that generations from now people will look back upon and judge us for how we stood against Dr. Uwe Boll. Will we stop him and his master plan, or will our descendants look back at us with hate and anger, in between starving to death and being forced to watch Zaxxon the Movie, featuring zombies? The power lays in your hands.

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