Screenplay by Tony Kayden
Story by Bill Bauer
Directed by Steven Lisberger
Ever wonder what would happen if Mad Max was set in a world of airplanes instead of junk cars? As directed by the director of Tron? Well, you obviously have some sort of mental illness and should talk to a professional therapist, I’m just a guy who watches bad movies. Odd as it may be, your bizarre craving has been provided, and stars Mark Hamill and Bill Paxton to boot! Bob Peck from Jurassic Park appears as the Data-ish character, While Mark Hamill is a feared bounty hunter/cop named Tasker. Bill Paxton plays Bill Paxton, here named Matt Owens. Paxton has fought Aliens, Predators, tornadoes, and Terminators, but here he has his greatest challenge: acting with giant hair. My Lord that’s a big mullet. Giganto-mullet. It must be aerodynamic, helps with the airplane flying or something. Maybe he uses it as a hang glider or parachute in case of air trouble. Big hair, bad movie, actors from both Star Wars and Star Trek (hello F. Murray Abraham!) and Harry Potter (Robbie Coltrane!) make this a genre melting extravaganza. Oh, almost forgot–they filmed in Turkey! Our friend Turkey, well known at TarsTarkas.NET from their numerous additions to crazy film libraries, provides background sites and extras. Set up your prop plane to go for a ride on the Slipstream…
It’s the future! The world has been so environmentally messed up that at the turn of the century the whole thing started destroying itself, earthquakes split continents and floods were everywhere, then a river of wind wiped the whole thing clean. This river of wind is called the Slipstream. It is not to be confused with Starscream, the traitorous lieutenant of Megatron from the Transformers. Starscream guest stars on Beast Wars, but Slipstream will never guest star on anything, even Beast Machines. The lines about “split continents” is so they can use location shots from all over the world without bothering to explain how they are so close together. As well as the foreign extras, noticeably from Turkey. Heck, the whole “Slipstream” concept is so weak we probably didn’t even need it in the movie. They talk about “riding the slipstream” to save on gas, but fail to explain how they are doing it both ways. I think someone’s favorite part of Mad Max: Roadwarrior was the gyro captain, and wanted a movie full of them. With Mark Hamill. Not a bad goal in life. Director Steven Lisberger (who made the brilliant Tron and not much else of consequence) has his world set up, but seemed to run out of money halfway through, as we’ll soon see.
Weird aircraft fly in the air, oddly shaped because they are different designs of light aircraft, for one or two people, and made to be as portable and light as possible. The craft we focus on is chasing a suited man on the rocky terrain below, including a shot that looks remarkably like a shot from North by Northwest. If you are going to steal, steal from the best. That’s the motto of Slipstream, though it concludes”yet still put together a mess!” The suited man is harpooned in the arm by Mark Hamill. Harpooned meaning Hamill is armed with a grappling hook/harpoon looking weapon that I’ll just be calling a harpoon. Mark Hamill is a cop named Will Tasker, who still looks like Mark Hamill despite being bleach blonde with a full beard. We’ll just call him Mark Hamill, because he’s typecast anyway. After all, you can only make so many “Does she have any job duties? Well, let’s Task Her!” jokes. Mark Hamill is partnered with a no nonsense female partner Belitski. Belitski? Did Dr. Seuss name her? Together they take the suited man played by Bob Peck back to the local settlement, what looks like a trailer park and a local diner.
Can’t wait. Houses blowing up, suits blowing up, PTSD, Mandarin, War Machine, other things blowing up. Iron Man’s darkest hour.
Brash-but-brilliant industrialist Tony Stark/Iron Man, is pitted against an enemy whose reach knows no bounds. When Stark finds his personal world destroyed at his enemy’s hands, he embarks on a harrowing quest to find those responsible. This journey, at every turn, will test his mettle. With his back against the wall, Stark is left to survive by his own devices, relying on his ingenuity and instincts to protect those closest to him. As he fights his way back, Stark discovers the answer to the question that has secretly haunted him: does the man make the suit or does the suit make the man?
Marvel released updated info on their next wave of money printing devices they call movies, which will lead into Avengers 2, the film that will make so much money we’ll have to invent new types of money for it to make! Perhaps they’ll take my Schrutebucks!
First is Iron Man 3 coming out May 3, 2013. Directed by Shane Black, the story seems based on the Extremis arc from the Iron Man comics, though long-mentioned villain the Mandarin will be appearing as well. Footage from Comic-Con showed Ben Kingsley as Mandarin attacking Tony Stark’s home. Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Paul Bettany, and Jon Favreau return, along with Guy Pearce, Rebecca Hall, Ashley Hamilton, James Badge Dale, and Avengers star Cobie Smulders. There was buzz a few months ago about “Iron Patriot” armor that just turned out to be repainted War Machine armor.
Next is Thor: The Dark World on November 8, 2013. Alan Taylor is now attached to direct, and most of the cast is returning. There have been no official villain reveals, though the rumor cloud is that it will be new villains with Loki lurking around doing his Loki thing. Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgård, and Idris Elba are reprising their roles from the first film. Joshua Dallas can’t reprise Fandral due to tv commitments, but is being replaced by Zachary Levi, who was originally slated to appear in the first Thor.
Captain America: The Winder Soldier is the Captain America sequel whose title might be giving away the plot line. The original story featured the return of Cap’s sidekick Bucky as a brainwashed killer, so we’ll see if that ends up happening. One casting announcement we do have is Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson/the Falcon, who was Cap’s sidekick for a long time in the 1970s and one of the first black superheroes. Chris Evans is returning (duh!) but besides being directed Joe and Anthony Russo and a release date of April 4, 2014, we don’t have much more information.
By far the craziest announcement was the confirmation of Guardians of the Galaxy, due on August 1, 2014. This is a different Guardians of the Galaxy team than the one I grew up with: Groot, Drax the Destroyer, Rocket Racoon, Gamorra, and Star-Lord. Though I am familiar with Drax and Gamorra from old Adam Warlock titles, the rest are new to me. Basically, Marvel is creating a $200 million film starring a raccoon and a tree fighting aliens, which will then lead into Avengers 2. Sure, I’ll play along!
Promo art for Guardians of the Galaxy:
Finally, there will also be an Ant-Man film, but beyond Edgar Wright showing off test footage, there was no real announcement of anything important about Ant-Man. But one day, there will be an Ant-Man film. And it will be triumph-ANT!
Pics via AICN
Categories: Movie News Tags: Alan Taylor, Ant-Man, Anthony Hopkins, Anthony Mackie, Anthony Russo, Ashley Hamilton, Ben Kingsley, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Cobie Smulders, Don Cheadle, Edgar Wright, Guardians of the Galaxy, Guy Pearce, Gwyneth Paltrow, Idris Elba, Iron Man 3, James Badge Dale, Joe Russo, Jon Favreau, Natalie Portman, Paul Bettany, Rebecca Hall, Robert Downey Jr., Shane Black, Stellan Skarsgård, Tom Hiddleston, Zachary Levi
Kristanna Loken as Rayne
Michelle Rodriguez as Katarin
Ben Kingsley as Kagan
Michael Madsen as Vladimir
Matt Davis as Sebastian
Billy Zane as Elrich
Meat Loaf as Leonid
Directed by Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll is back! Dr. Boll returns with yet another lame video game to lamer movie adaptation! Miles away from House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne shows us how Dr. Boll has grown as a filmmaker. Like an inoperable brain tumor. Bloodrayne reaches new heights of lowness. That may not make sense, but it makes more sense than the movie. Bloodrayne the game is about a half-vampire girl named Rayne who kills Nazis, and the famous for losing money sequel involve her fighting her father Kagan in the year 2000 or so. Rayne is also pale white, and was in Playboy for some God forsaken reason. The German Uwe Boll apparently was not too keen on having Rayne kill a bunch of Germans, even though they were zombies, so he just rewrote everything and made it take place in the 1700s in Romania. Dr. Boll is to cinema what the desert is to a thirsty mouth. Defying all logic, Dr. Boll managed to score a plethora of big named stars, and will have even bigger names in his future projects. A juggernaut of suck, watch out you don’t get ran down.