There are some things you just can’t unsee. And Meat Loaf and a animatronic baby yeti hanging out is one of those things. Forget wondering who greenlighted this, because all you should be wondering is how quickly you can get away before your eyes spontaneously explode and then you get put on a terrorist watch list despite the fact you now have no eyes and can’t even watch lists. But at least you won’t be able to watch Meat Loaf and a mechanical yeti.
However, if you are one of the few brave souls who have built up a resistance to eye-explodingly bad movies and mechanical bigfeet and bigmeat palling around, then you should watch the new RiffTrax VOD To Catch a Yeti, but only with the powers of Mike, Kevin, and Bill backing you up. The rest of you, run like a bat out of hell, and also something something do anything for love, but I won’t do that something something.
To Catch a Yeti. To live a dream. To Meat a Loaf. Some things just seem too good to be true. Meat Loaf, in a movie about a bigfoot? But Meat Loaf isn’t playing the bigfoot? Might seem disappointing, until you find out Meat is instead playing the world’s greatest hunter, Big Jake Grizzly, and his prey is a yeti that’s 2 feet tall and makes the puppetry in Mac & Me look like high art. Even calling the yeti a puppet is really an exaggeration, since basically all it can do is sit still and whimper and blink. But that doesn’t stop it from doing some rad skateboard moves1, because hey, it’s the 90s!!! (1radical skateboard moves = someone dropped this stuffed animal disaster on a board and kicked it down a hill)
Against all notions of reason and good taste, a little girl is charmed by the creature and makes him her friend. But there’s also an evil little rich boy (who somehow manages to be even more detestable than the yeti and ‘Loaf COMBINED) who wants the hideous goggle-eyed creature for himself. It all leads to a thrilling hijinks-filled showdown in New York City…or at least, the best fake approximation of New York City to be found in a production so Canadian your screen will ooze maple syrup.
Maple syrup, Meat Loaf, a horrific puppet, and more things you’ll never want to eat again after To Catch a Yeti!
I will admit not being too familiar with Wally Lamb, and nor do I appear to be his target audience, but for those of you who can’t get enough of the Lamb, Lifetime is bringing one of his books to life. Wally Lamb’s Wishin’ and Hopin’ will be part of Lifetime’s power pack of Christmas flicks, and it features narration by Chevy Chase. I’d make a Christmas Vacation joke, except I already made a Breakfast Club joke about Molly Ringwald, and there would be too many cute joke references for one small news article to handle. Which means they’d have ot fight to the death, and then I’d have to clean up the mess. No thank you.
Wally Lamb’s Wishin’ and Hopin’ harkens back to the days of yore, when kids knew who Annette Funicello was and didn’t know who Meat Loaf was. Okay, they probably still don’t know who Meat Loaf is, but he’s in the movie as well. Watch Fight Club, kids!
Based on the New York Times best-selling Christmas novel by Wally Lamb comes the new Christmas classic, starring Molly Ringwald and featuring narration by Chevy Chase as the narrator. Set in 1960s, Wishin’ and Hopin’ story of 10-year-old Felix Funicello (Wyatt Ralff, The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby), doing his best to navigate fifth grade at St. Aloysius Gonzaga Parochial School. His father (Danny Nucci, The Fosters) runs the local diner, and their family’s claim to fame is their cousin Annette Funicello (Krysta Rodriguez, Smash), the famous teen star and Mouseketeer. With the dreaded Christmas pageant on the horizon, the holiday season gets even more exciting with the sudden arrivals of a substitute teacher (Ringwald) and the feisty Russian student Zhenya, promising to be one Christmas Felix will never forget. Also stars Meat Loaf (Fight Club), Annabella Sciorra (CSI), Cheri Oteri (Saturday Night Live) and Conchata Ferrell (Two and a Half Men) and Camila Banus (Days of Our Lives).
The film is directed by Colin Theys, and written by John Doolan (based on Wally Lamb’s original story). Both the writer and director worked on Alien Opponent and Banshee!!!, but sadly I don’t think monsters and aliens are going to stop on by, unless my theory that Annette Funicello is a Reptillian is proven by Wishin’ and Hopin’. After all, something happened to those missing G’s, it probably was aliens!
Wally Lamb’s Wishin’ and Hopin’ premieres Saturday, December 6, on Lifetime!
Photo by Pietro Camardella provided via Lifetime/A&E Media
Kristanna Loken as Rayne
Michelle Rodriguez as Katarin
Ben Kingsley as Kagan
Michael Madsen as Vladimir
Matt Davis as Sebastian
Billy Zane as Elrich
Meat Loaf as Leonid
Directed by Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll is back! Dr. Boll returns with yet another lame video game to lamer movie adaptation! Miles away from House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne shows us how Dr. Boll has grown as a filmmaker. Like an inoperable brain tumor. Bloodrayne reaches new heights of lowness. That may not make sense, but it makes more sense than the movie. Bloodrayne the game is about a half-vampire girl named Rayne who kills Nazis, and the famous for losing money sequel involve her fighting her father Kagan in the year 2000 or so. Rayne is also pale white, and was in Playboy for some God forsaken reason. The German Uwe Boll apparently was not too keen on having Rayne kill a bunch of Germans, even though they were zombies, so he just rewrote everything and made it take place in the 1700s in Romania. Dr. Boll is to cinema what the desert is to a thirsty mouth. Defying all logic, Dr. Boll managed to score a plethora of big named stars, and will have even bigger names in his future projects. A juggernaut of suck, watch out you don’t get ran down.