Tag Archives: Movies gone to the dogs

Hallmark Channel brings an angel-packed 12 new movies Christmas

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A Cookie Cutter Christmas Hallmark Channel

Does Lifetime bribe you with cookies? I think not!


Christmas comes earlier each year, where soon Christmas will be year round and we will have a cure for overpopulation as millions kill themselves after the 5000th replay of Baby, It’s Cold Outside. On that note, Hallmark Channel has announced their two month long Christmas movie extravaganza! In September! Which sort of makes sense, because the first movie is on November 1st. Normally these cable channels are pretty bad at doing publicity for the film events on their station, so when a big press release gets dumped on their site as a news story, it’s my duty to copy it here (with commentary!), and then bring up each film again as their premiere dates get closer. It’s also a big reveal which one of the 12 movies Hallmark is pushing the most, because one film already has its own section on HallmarkChannel.com! Can you predict which one it is based on the 12 movie descriptions? You just might be surprised!

One Starry Christmas
Saturday, November 1, 8/7c
Starring: Sarah Carter, Damon Runyan, George Canyon, Paul Popowhich

An aspiring astronomy professor finds unexpected Christmas romance when she meets a charming cowboy during her holiday travel. As she decides between this new cowboy and her practical boyfriend, she must decide whether it’s better to play it safe in love, or let an adventurous cowboy steal her heart.

Wait, is this the plot of Back to the Future III? Will that cowboy have a secret weather experiment somewhere? Sadly, no. But it does have white people in love!

The Nine Lives of Christmas
Saturday, November 8, 8/7c
Starring: Brandon Routh, Kimberley Sustad, Stephanie Bennett, Chelsea Hobbs, Sean Tyson, Dalias Blake, Gregory Harrison

With Christmas approaching, a handsome fireman afraid of commitment adopts a stray cat and meets a beautiful veterinary student who challenges his decision to remain a confirmed bachelor.

I’m not sure what the cat has to do with the plot, except for the fact it made me care about the film. And will be a guaranteed better Christmas cat movie than The Grumpy Cat movie. Superman is a firefighter and has a cat, and loves a vet lady, this will be ratings gold. It’s also unofficial Garfield fan fiction!

Nine Lives of Christmas Hallmark Channel

I Hallmark Mondays!


A Cookie Cutter Christmas
Sunday, November 9, 8/7c
Starring: Erin Krakow, Alan Thicke, David Haydn-Jones, Miranda Frigon, Laura Soltis, Genae Marie Charpentier

Two longtime rivals and elementary school teachers duke it out during the holidays in a Christmas cookie bake-off, but their real feud ignites over a shared interest in a handsome single dad. With both determined to win the prize and the romance, their competitiveness could jeopardize what matters most this Christmas season.

This sounds like an episode of a sitcom, but could make a funny romance film. Or at least make me want to get cookies!

Northpole
Saturday, November 15, 8/7c
Starring: Tiffani Thiessen, Josh Hopkins, Bailee Madison, Max Charles, Candice Glover, Robert Wagner, Jill St. John

Northpole, the magical city where Santa and his elves live and work is in trouble. Families around the globe have gotten too busy to enjoy the season together, and Northpole depends on their holiday happiness to keep running. In the hopes of turning things around, a determined young elf befriends a little boy with a lot of spirit. His skeptical journalist mom doesn’t have room in her heart for anything but the facts, so it’s going to take a little nudge from his charming teacher to create an unbeatable Christmas team to turn around this town and share the importance of the season with the whole world.

People are too burnt out about Christmas to enjoy Christmas, brought to you by a two-month long Christmas movie marathon advertised in September??

Angels and Ornaments
Sunday, November 16, 8/7c
Starring: Jessalyn Gilsig, Sergio Di Zio, Graham Abbey, Samantha Espie, Roger Doche

Corrine’s holiday season gets an unexpected dose of romance when she meets the mysterious Harold, who is on a deadline from a higher power to help Corrine find her true love by Christmas Eve. As the clock ticks down to Harold’s deadline, Corrine must decide if she will open up to Christmas love.

It’s not Christmas unless someone is doing a riff on It’s a Wonderful Life. In fact, there are THREE films on this list that involve angels finding love for people on Christmas. That almost makes up for there being no version of A Christmas Carol. Almost.

A Royal Christmas
Saturday, November 22, 8/7c
Starring: Lacey Chabert, Jane Seymour, Stephen Hagan, Katherine Flynn

A young working girl with a blue-collar background is surprised when her new fiancé announces he is actually a prince of a small sovereign country in Europe. After the couple quickly takes off to spend the holidays at his family’s sprawling, royal castle, she must work hard to win over her disapproving and unaccepting future mother-in-law—the Queen—and find out if love truly can conquer all.

Congrats! You’re now a princess and the media will hound you until they kill you, and the monarchy is an obsolete and ridiculous system in the 21st century. I think I’ll pass this one, even with Jane Seymour as the disapproving Queen.
 
The Christmas Shepherd
Sunday, November 23, 8/7c
Starring: Teri Polo, Martin Cummins, Jordyn Olson, Jill Teed

A successful children’s book author and Army widow loses her late husband’s German Shepherd, Buddy, only to later find him adopted by a new family – a single father and his daughter. Each finds a sense of Christmas spirit as they struggle to decide with whom the dog really belongs.

Yeah, yeah, they’re gonna get married. But there’s a dog, and maybe funny dog antics. And possibly scenes where Teri Polo and Martin Cummins hate each other before they love each other. But I’m mostly here for the dog.

Debbie Macomber’s Mr. Miracle
Saturday, November 29, 8/7c
Starring: Rob Morrow, Michelle Harrison, Britt Irvin, Sarah-Jane Redmond, Andrew Francis

Heavenly angel Harry Mills is sent to Earth on a trial assignment to intervene in the life of a woman who needs help getting her life on track after the death of her father. With a deadline of Christmas day, he attempts to help her heal in order to embrace a new future, and an unexpected love, just in time to celebrate the miracle of the holiday season.  

Debbie Macomber is Hallmark’s golden goose, their films based on her romance novels score record ratings, and their first ever original series is based on her work. So it is only natural there is one of her stories in this huge batch of films, even if it is yet another angel romance Christmas film.

Christmas Under Wraps
Sunday, November 30, 8/7c
Starring: Candace Cameron Bure

When a driven doctor doesn’t get the prestigious position she planned for, she unexpectedly finds herself moving to a remote Alaskan town. While she meets the locals and even starts a new romance, she has to learn to let the life she planned for give way to a love she never could have imagined, and finds this festive small town is hiding one big holiday secret.

Gender-swapped Christmas Northern Exposure???

Christmas at Cartwrights
Saturday, December 6, 8/7c
Starring: Alicia Witt, Wallace Shawn

With Christmas approaching, a struggling single mom finds herself working as a department store Santa Claus, as a real-life angel delivers good fortune and the possibility of holiday romance.

So many angels will be getting their wings thanks to Hallmark Channel, that the resulting trillions of bells ringing will crack the Earth open and cause a mass calamity! I’m guessing Wallace Shawn is the angel, though it’d be hilarious if he was the love interest.

Best Christmas Party Ever
Saturday, December 13, 8/7c
Starring: Torrey DeVitto, Steve Lund, Linda Thorson and Harmon Walsh

With the holidays approaching, a young party planner arranges a special Christmas party for a New York toy store. When a powerful corporation threatens to shut her down, she decides to follow her heart, moving forward with the party plans and finding true love in time for Christmas.

Why is a powerful corporation picking on a poor party planner? I don’t know, but this will be the best Christmas party ever if it is the party that starts the revolution that puts the capitalist pigs against the walls! ¡Viva la Revolución!

The Christmas Parade
Sunday, December 14, 8/7c
Starring: AnnaLynne McCord, Jefferson Brown, Drew Scott

A popular network morning host finds herself humiliated on the air by her fiancé and disappears to a small town. While there, she helps a budding artist save a community art center for the town’s kids, by helping them with their float for the annual Christmas Parade. 

Wait a minute, one of the Property Brothers is in this? I didn’t even know they had careers in made for tv movies! But is he the new love or the jerk ex-boyfriend? And will he get run over by a parade float? That would be a Christmas miracle!

Did you guess which one of these film Hallmark is already pushing with extra promotion? If you said Northpole, you are correct, though I have no idea why that one is getting the bump. I’m definitely most interested in The Nine Lives of Christmas, but I’ll give all these films their dues as their air dates approach and their trailers and promotional images begin to appear.

The new Beethoven movie is a remake of The Goonies!

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Beethoven’s Treasure Tail is not just the latest in a long line of Beethoven movies that I was only vaguely aware they were still making, but it turns into a remake of a different childrens’ classic. Yep, that plot you see in the trailer is correct, Beethoven turns into The Goonies! We got Beethoven arriving in a small down by the docks that is about to be bought out by a rich investor and everything torn down, but if a child can find pirate treasure in an underground cave system using a pirate’s map and a key with a skull on it that he finds on a dead body, he can save the day. And there is also a guy riding a little girl’s bike!

As a sequel to The Goonies is one of those things that people talk about every few years and get all excited and then nothing happens, this is probably the best we will ever get, a spiritual sequel to The Goonies featuring a giant dog who slobbers and knocks food onto people. Weirdly enough, I’m perfectly fine with that. I’d rather a tribute than a sequel or reboot that just turns everything to hot garbage.

I declare Beethoven’s Treasure Tail good enough. Good enough for me. Aye-aye-aye-yeah!

Beethoven’s Treasure Tail stars Jonathan Silverman, Bretton Manley, Kristy Swanson, Morgan Fairchild, Jeffrey Combs, Udo Kier, Bretton Manley, and Patrick Kwok-Choon. It’s directed by Ron Oliver (A Dennis the Menace Christmas)

Does this mean Beethoven is Sloth?

Bark Ranger – Talking dog battles creeps!

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Once again, a talking dog will save the day and defeat thieves with Bark Ranger! Yes, I’ve found yet another “talking dog home alone” film, except it takes place in the woods. Which is home to animals, thus home alone! Now, if you own a talking dog, why are you searching for gold mines instead of minting gold with YouTube superstardom? Freaking kids…

Anyway, we got a talking dog, we got bumbling thieves, we got thieves in a truck trying to run down kids and a dog. It’s got something for everyone! Bark Ranger is going to be directed by Geoff Anderson, who directed Vampire Dog and Step Dogs, and written by Jason Delaney, who I can’t find any prior credits for.

Hopefully the dog wears the hat in the film. Maybe he even battles with a bear over picnic baskets! Then I hope Bark Ranger gives an impassioned speech about preserving the nation’s natural wonders that brings tears to the eyes of the bumbling thieves.

Bumbling thieves stranded in the wilderness when their getaway van craps out, are discovered by a pair of goldmine seeking kids and their rambunctious talking Golden Retriever. The thieves try and snatch the kids, but are fended off by the heroic dog. The kids lead the thieves into the gold mine and escape through a narrow vent shaft, and then try and make their escape by bike. But the thieves are soon after them in their truck and a crazy chase ensues. But the kids have a plan which leads to an epic showdown.

via Trilight

Bark Ranger

Archie: Robodog – talking robot dog shenanigans!

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Part dog. Part machine. Totally awesome. This is the tag line for Archie: Robodog, which gives the world what it wants, more robot dog movies! The dog is not only a robot, but it talks, and helps fight against capitalist oppressors who want to destroy small town America and turn it into the latest franchise location. Well, Burgertropolis, it’s time you got Robodogged!

Archie: Robodog is written by Robin Dunne, who you may recall starred in Cruel Intentions 2, Species III, American Psycho II: All American Girl, The Skulls II, Au Pair II, Beyond Sherwood Forest , Scarecrow, and Space Milkshake. Well, he also writes, and has written the four entries in the Roxy Hunter series: Roxy Hunter and the Mystery of the Moody Ghost, Roxy Hunter and the Myth of the Mermaid, Roxy Hunter and the Secret of the Shaman, and Roxy Hunter and the Horrific Halloween.

Robot dog films are becoming one of the next big things in dog movie plots, along with the talking dogs home alone genre. It is a great time to be a fan of robot dogs or mouthy dogs that square off against evil in all its forms.

ISABEL SULLIVAN (15) has just moved to a small town to live with her uncle PAUL who is the town’s mayor. Isabel has recently lost her parents in a car accident. Feeling very alone and friendless, Isabel befriends a stray robot dog named ARCHIE. Though he looks like a normal dog, he is anything but. He can talk. He can run at blinding speed. He’s got super strength and x-ray vision.

Isabel and Archie become fast friends. She teaches him how to be a normal dog while he helps her to fit in with the cool kid clique. Most of all, Isabel can confide in Archie about what happened to her parents. Archie can relate. He’s never had a family – until now.

As the summer progresses, things start to get tricky. Paul is up for re-election and finds himself running against VERONICA TAYLOR who happens to be in cahoots with BURGERTROPOLIS – a national fast food franchise that has been trying to buy Paul out for years. What’s worse, an evil man named HUGH JABLONSKI shows up in town claiming to be Archie’s rightful owner…

via Trilight

Archie Robodog

Millionaire Dog – a dog with more money than you will ever have!

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Millionaire Dog is a Spanish movie called Pancho, el Perro Millonario, about a dog who has won the lottery. Hey, there’s no rules that say a dog can’t win the lottery! Pancho the rich dog suddenly finds himself in danger thanks that ubiquitous threat, evil toy manufacturers! Luckily, the power of friendship and lots and lots of money can destroy evil toymakers, so this second rate Gepetto gets smacked down!

Cook the dog plays Pancho, and Tom Fernández writes and directs. The film comes out in June in Spain, and will presumably get sold at Cannes and see a US VOD distribution soon with dubbing and all that jazz. For the kids. Pancho can be seen driving a car, cooking dinner, being a jerk, torturing cats, doing dishes, being a jerk, making faces, and being a jerk. In fact, it looks like Pancho’s friends are the people who adopt him from the shelter, not other dogs. So maybe Pancho has lost all ability to relate with his own kind after his bags and bags of cash. The only way to know for sure is to watch.

Since he won the lottery, Pancho, a Jack Russell Terrier dog, lives a life full of luxury. His personal assistant manages his fortune. After trying to strike a deal with Pancho to make him become a star of the toy industry, Investor Montalbán will try to kidnap Pancho by any means. Pancho will discover real life dangers, and understand real wealth is in friendship.

Nope, it has nothing to do with the animated German film Millionaire Dogs!

Millionaire Dog Pancho

Dude, Where’s My Dog?! – more invisible canine fun!

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If you were totally stoked for the invisible talking dog feature Abner the Invisible Dog, and can’t quench your thirst for invisible dog movies, then you are a lucky ducky! Dude, Where’s My Dog?! is the perfect film for you, featuring a dog who is invisible and a title that is obviously based on a popular stoner comedy that make me sound like a moron for pointing out.

A young tween named Ray is left at home to watch the family dog, Harry, to prove to his parents that he is not, as they say, “irresponsible.” But, before he knows it, curious Harry runs out the front door and into Krepner’s house- Ray’s kooky, suspicious neighbor. While in the house, he is accidentally doused with a stolen top-secret invisibility formula and then runs wild throughout their small town unseen causing a ruckus. Krepner is ordered to catch Harry to retrieve what’s left of the formula in his DNA. Ray and his friends now must find the pooch not only before the villains, scientists and FBI Agents get to him first, but before Ray’s parents get home!

Writer/director Stephen Langford has had an interesting career, writing episodes of the Ewoks cartoon, Family Matters, Small Wonder, the Amanda Bynes tv movie Love Wrecked, and even some episodes of Tiny Toons Adventures. His next film Big Baby features the same basic plot, but instead of an invisible dog, it’s a baby that’s been turned into a 30 year old guy. Just like every other 30 year old guy…ZING!

Shoutout to the film for having two black FBI guys as partners instead of going with the obvious white and black guy combo. Also shoutout for figuring out the best way to get a dog to act would be to not have the dog on camera for the bulk of the film!

The best part of the trailer is there is an actual Dude, Where’s My Dog? song that exists and I now need to locate. Dude Where’s My Dog?! is now available on VOD, so your only excuse is not having enough time in your busy life to watch an invisible dog film. But are you really that busy? I think not!

Dude Where's My Dog?