The new Beethoven movie is a remake of The Goonies!

[adrotate banner=”1″]Beethoven’s Treasure Tail is not just the latest in a long line of Beethoven movies that I was only vaguely aware they were still making, but it turns into a remake of a different childrens’ classic. Yep, that plot you see in the trailer is correct, Beethoven turns into The Goonies! We got Beethoven arriving in a small down by the docks that is about to be bought out by a rich investor and everything torn down, but if a child can find pirate treasure in an underground cave system using a pirate’s map and a key with a skull on it that he finds on a dead body, he can save the day. And there is also a guy riding a little girl’s bike!

As a sequel to The Goonies is one of those things that people talk about every few years and get all excited and then nothing happens, this is probably the best we will ever get, a spiritual sequel to The Goonies featuring a giant dog who slobbers and knocks food onto people. Weirdly enough, I’m perfectly fine with that. I’d rather a tribute than a sequel or reboot that just turns everything to hot garbage.

I declare Beethoven’s Treasure Tail good enough. Good enough for me. Aye-aye-aye-yeah!

Beethoven’s Treasure Tail stars Jonathan Silverman, Bretton Manley, Kristy Swanson, Morgan Fairchild, Jeffrey Combs, Udo Kier, Bretton Manley, and Patrick Kwok-Choon. It’s directed by Ron Oliver (A Dennis the Menace Christmas)

Does this mean Beethoven is Sloth?

Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (Review)

Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy

aka SharkMan

Directed by Michael Oblowitz

SciFi Channel is a breeding ground for ridiculous creature features like the swamp spawns mosquitoes. Some mosquitoes just eat nectar, some make you itch, and a few give you malaria. We are in nectar territory here. It is not perfect, it has many plot points that are ludicrous, but the entire production is saved by Jeffrey Combs. He is allowed to overact to his heart’s content, and turns a semi-boring picture about a shark man into something you can mention as among SciFi Channel’s better offerings for the year 2005. Produced by the illustrious Nu Image Films, who have given us Gryphon, Raging Sharks, and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Nu Image originally sold a block of films at the same time involving animal/man hybrids, except the block of films eventually dissolved and went their separate ways. The others include Mansquito (later released as Mosquitoman on DVD), Morphman which became the surprisingly not terrible Larva, and Snakeman (aka The Snake King) which I haven’t seen. Nu Image has done blocks of related films before, notably their Nature Unleashed and American Heroes series. It allows them to bulk sell films, which equals cash. Usually few of the films are memorable, but in this case we grabbed on to something to tell the grandkids about.

As stated above, the winning formula in this movie is ridiculous monster+Jeffrey Combs. Jeffrey Combs is familiar to every B movie fan because odds are they have seen several dozen movies he has been in. He was also a regular on Star Trek Deep Space Nine and Star Trek Enterprise in addition to guest shots on many other genre shows. In every performance, Combs consistently delivers. He can range from excellent to eccentric to over the top wacky, and his name on a movie automatically bumps it up a few ratings points. The SharkMan is a guy running around in a shark suit. Seriously. And we get perilously close to shark/human sex. I am not making that up. Sadly, things don’t go as planned. But we do find out you can cure cancer by being turned into a shark. It’s one of those natural cures “they” don’t want you to know about. None of the good parts of the film can be blamed on the director Michael Oblowitz, the only winning efforts were the special effects guys and Jeffrey Combs. The rest of the film flops around like a fish on a boat, but SharkMan or Jeffrey keep popping up to throw the fish back in the ocean.

Continue reading