Monthly Archives: February 2009

Dragonball movie already planning a sequel

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Despite the fact the film looks terrible and will probably nuke more fridges than the Street Fighter movie, someone is already planning Dragonball 2! What???
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Even before Dragonball Evolution comes out, there’s already a screenplay for Dragonball II, according to star Justin Chatwin.

So what happens? “The second one goes more into the whole legacy and the genealogy of Dragonball. It goes more in-depth into a real Dragonball series, the kind of intergalactic world of Dragonball.”

Yeah, maybe direct-to-video. Maybe.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

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Just after finding out about Pride and Predator, it looks like there is another Jane Austen turned genre film possibly heading out way named Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Based on some upcoming graphic novel I didn’t know about. It looks this this is a whole genre now!

Few challenges, however, are as unusual as the latest foe facing Elizabeth Bennet of Pride and Prejudice – a plague of the undead sent to reduce the picturesque villages of Longbourn and Meryton to smouldering ruins.

Hollywood studios are bidding to turn a radical reworking of Austen’s most popular book, now called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a parody to be published in April, into a blockbuster movie.

Desperate for new ideas, studio chiefs hope “P&P&Z” will mark the bloody birth of a feral offspring of classic British literature: “monster-lit”.

The idea of mixing different genres has spread from pop music, where old tunes are merged to make fresh hits, to the internet with fan homages such as Lizzie the Vampire Slayer, where Bennet is transported into the world of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

The forthcoming novel is the first mainstream “mash-up” of Austen and horror, two of the most popular film genres of the past decade. It has been made possible only because Austen is out of copyright.

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From then on it was easy to imagine Bennet and her four sisters as zombie slayers, trained since childhood in the deadly arts of Chinese kung fu, and Fitzwilliam Darcy as a promoter of the socially superior ninja skills of Japan. Together they stand bonnet to epaulette against a plague of cannibalis-tic interlopers from the accursed city of London.

Grahame-Smith hopes that his talent agency, William Morris, will sign a film deal with a studio in the next few weeks.

“About 85% is the original Jane Austen text,” he said. “I hated her when I was forced to read Austen in school, but when I started rereading I realised she was a brutal, but very funny, satirist. I can only aspire to be as mean-spirited as she could be.”

Other talent agencies are pitching their own slate of monster-lit titles. They include a version of Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights, where Catherine, the deceased heroine, returns as a Japanese-style ghost not only to haunt but also to terrorise Heathcliff.

In a reworking of Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre , M r Rochester has something more terrible than an insane spouse in his attic, and a version of George Eliot’s The Mill on the Floss is powered by human sacrifice.

The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit Picture Review

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If you want to read a version of this review set up like a normal TarsTarkas.NET review, go here. This is a picture-heavy version made to show off some of the visuals and be used on a message board.

The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit is less of a giant monster movie and more of a giant political satire. This many confuse many people who think it will be 90 minutes of a goofy-looking chicken monster tearing up Japan. Instead, it is 90 minutes of goofy looking politicians throwing one failed scheme after another at Guilala (the monster) until finally journalism and small town values save the day again. The film is directed by cult movie maker Minoru Kawasaki of Crab Goalkeeper and Executive Koala fame. The monster Guilala was in the old 1967 film The X from Outer Space and wasn’t seen again until this 2008 film. Probably because Guiala is one of the most ridiculous looking monsters ever.

Let us begin!

Welcome to the G8 Summit! The G8 in 2008!

Can you name all eight world leaders?

Italian Prime Minster Silvio Berlusconi ate a sour meatball

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is from Canada so let’s feel sorry for him, eh!

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is the hottest German Chancellor in the film!

French President Nicolas Sarkozy spends this film nailing a Japanese model instead of the French one he nails in real life.

American President Berger – That’s right, he isn’t a real person only a representative of a person! That’s because George W. Bush sucks soooooo much they had to replace him with a completely fake person to keep Bush from ruining the movie by existing in it.

Russian President Putin looks nothing like the real Putin but they call him that and he does secret spy assassin stuff so it must be him.

This is Japanese Prime Minister Ibe, who is the fake name for Former Prime Minister Abe, who resigned shortly before the G8 in real life due to diarrhea! The producers were already ticked off that they cast this guy so they give him diarrhea also.

I’m that Brown guy from the UK and I like to point.

Let’s get the freaking movie started!

Two reporters stumble across a village doing crazy dances to their crazy moon god

There is not God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet..

Back in G8 Meeting Land, the French President is getting his J-Seduction on!

When suddenly a Chinese spaceship crashes!

It carried a spore that grew into a giant monster named Guilala! Frakking Chinese!

Not this again!

China, you will have to pay for those power lines!

Guilala then begins to glow!

Because he turned into a beack ball and is flying to a volcano so the movie can save money by not building a giant miniature city set!

The G8 Panel watches, then American President Berger convinces them to become an A-Team and take out Guilala so they can all get reelected!

They come up with a battle plan…

Kenny disagrees with the plan…

Get the Hell out, Kenny!

The three generals who are all veteran kaiju actors get some help

from a scientist guy on a tv screen

Meanwhile, the free market is hard at work producing jobs selling Guilala Spam. Go capitalism!

Generals talk

The monster squawks

Let’s blow this freakazoid up, Japan style!

Oh, snap, he’s eating the missile!

The Japanese PM Abe quits, but is replaces by the Former Japanese PM Koizumi! Circle of life…

Let Italy plan the next attack because they used to be Rome (what the hell kind of logic is that?)

So we lure this monster…

With a missile…

That spins around!!!

Then he falls in a hole! Wait, he just climbs out?? Damn! No wonder Rome fell…

Italy fails, so now Russia will try.

We shall assassinate him with radioactive elements…and deny it.

We saw what you wrote about us in the newspaper, Guilala!

Chase the flying dragon!

Hey, he just falls asleep but doesn’t die! Russia fails at killing the monster like they fail at being a democracy.

Now Germany will give it a go…

Ich bin ein Guilala

Germany gassing someone? I never saw it coming!

Guilala just laughs at their pathetic gas attempt!

So let’s dance!

Germany just got served.

Meanwhile, those reporters remember two wooden planks in the village…Guilala

…And another monster!

Let’s ask this old guy who is probably a famous actor I don’t know

He shows them the magic ancient parchment with monsters on it.

This causes the female reporter to hallucinate paintings of her favorite actor Beat Takeshi

Still hallucinating. Japanese women are crazy.

Check out this villager!

Anyway, this is the god they worship

Let us do crazy ethnic rituals to appease the golden idol while our world leaders fail due to failures that are us appointing them!

The new plan (from Britain) is to give Guilala some headphones!

WTF, Linkin Park???

NOOOooooOOOOooOOOoOOOOO!!!!!

But the plan fails when the headphones fall off. Churchill would kick your butt, Brown!

Suddenly, Koizumi rips off his mask…

He’s Kim Jong-Il!!!

Yes, really!

Shock and Awe!

And all the translators are North Korean Agents

Even this one that Sarkozy is banging instead of being captured. She let’s him know that they are all spies!

Guilala smashes up more stuff

As North Korea plans to nuke the monster!

All nuclear missiles are controlled by a giant red button.

I, the French President, will defeat you by opening my towel!

Real shock and awe!

For once it works and France saves the day for the first time since the Revolutionary War!

President Berger says to Kim Jong-Il “Sucks to be you!” He really says that.

The agent girls laugh knowing that Kim Jong-Il has activated the secret missile button in his glasses! Japan is doomed!

TV Scientist guy explains..

If Guilala is nuked, each piece will grow into a new Guilala thanks to the power of nuclear radiation! Sort of like Gremlins.

The missile is coming, Japan is frakked!

Oh no!

Oh no!! Wait, that’s not a mushroom…

It’s some gold dude! Goldar?

Buh???

Whu?

It is Take-majin, the guy that village was worshipping!

And the missile is stuck up his butt!

Guilala is shocked at this sodomy humor!

Take-Majin starts to toss Guilala around like any good moon god should!

He’s also crossed-eyed

Take-Majin was on WWE for many years

Now to go all Krull on you!!

Totally a practical weapon!

The spinning blade of death flies…

Guilala loses his head over it!

And his body blows up! But in the way that doesn’t make lots of other Guilalas. Just go with it, okay?

And we all learned a valuable lesson: all politicians are dumb, but crazy regional religions will save the world from Chinese space chickens.

The end!

Credits dance!

The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit (Review)

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The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit

aka Girara no gyakushû: Tôya-ko Samitto kikiippatsu aka Guilala’s Counterattack: Lake Toya Summit Crisis

2008
Directed by Minoru Kawasaki

Minoru Kawasaki has been given the nickname of late as the “Ed Wood of Japan.” I think this nickname is misleading, because Minoru Kawasaki’s films aren’t bad, they are just really weird. The kind of weird that plays well to international cult audiences but if you try to describe them to your coworkers they just look at you weird and then avoid talking movies with you in future conversations. He first burst in the international scene with Calamari Wrestler in 2004, about a squid that showed up at wrestling matches. His other films include Executive Koala – about a koala executive who may have murdered his wife, Crab Goalkeeper – about a crab that is a goalkeeper on a soccer team, The World Sinks Except Japan – a parody of The Sinking of Japan film (this was also Kawasaki’s first film filled with political satire), Kabuto-O Beetle – another wrestling film with a giant beetle, The Rug Cop – a parody of 1970’s Japanese cop tv shows involving a living toupee, and the upcoming Neko Râmen Taishô – about a cat who runs a Ramen stand. This resume makes him the perfect person to helm the return film for the giant monster Guilala. (He actually did work with giant monsters on Ultraman Tiga.)

Guilala first appeared in 1967’s The X from Outer Space (aka Uchi Daikaiju Girara, literally Giant Space Monster Guilala.) This was the first daikaiju film from Shochiku. After Guilala was brought to Earth as a spore it grew into a giant monster and rampaged until it was coated with Guilalalium, which returned it into a spore and it was shot back into space. The goofy monster design is probably what the film is best remembered for. There have been rumors for years of Guilala returning, most noticeably the long-standing rumor that he would fight Gappa, another Japanese monster who was a one-shot deal from the Nikkatsu studios. And now Guilala reappears years later in The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit (as well as a promotional exercise video released around the time of the movie’s release in theaters in 2008 that I have been unable to track down!) After the film was released in Japan, Guilala showed up again in the US in a commercial for Ladders, some job website.

The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit is not a daikaiju movie in so much as it is political satire set against the backdrop of a monster attack. The political caricatures are independent enough that you don’t need to know who they are to follow along, but if you are versed in foreign affairs than you get a whole new layer of jokes that others will miss.

The G8 Summit is a forum for governments of eight nations of the northern hemisphere. The leaders of the eight member nations each get represented here as exaggerated caricatures, though how exaggerated you are can vary. There is also a few changes from who actually attended the G8 Summitt due to political changes in power that happened after the script was already in production. The most noticeably is that Prime Minister Shinz? Abe hosts the summit here, while in reality the 2008 G8 Summit in Japan was actually hosted by former Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda, who took over after Abe’s surprise resignation. The Russian president is also called Putin, though the Russian president at the time of the meeting was Dmitri Medvedev (and the actor resembles him more than Putin.) All other minor differences are listed below in the Social Studies 101 section. But first we need to introduce the non-political characters:

Sumire Sumidagawa (Natsuki Kato) – A reporter who stumbles across a village that worships the one thing that can save mankind from the evil Guilala.
Sanpei Toyama (Kazuki Kato) – A cameraman for Sumire who joins her in her discovery of Take-Majin and the prophecy.
Guilala (Hurricane Ryu) – Guilala returns 31 years after being sent back into space to strike again at mankind. The leaders of the free world are defeated by him one by one. But can a small village defeat Guilala?
Take-Majin (??? and Beat Takeshi (voice)) – Called The Legendary Savior. Fights Guilala after being awakened by the prayers of the Lake Toya villagers. 50 meters tall weighing 10,000 tons. Take-Majin is a takeoff of the Daimajin monster.



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Wingnut Web – Opening Your Mouth and Removing All Doubt Editon

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Hi-ho, and welcome to another edition of Wingnut Web. Today, we have a special theme from the Resistnet.com forums: long, insane ramblings! Yes, these are long and crazy posts filled with hate, racism, and secessionism by supposed patriots. Keep in mind these are the same idiots who would jump down your throat if you dared utter a word against George W. Bush. So prepare to read, shake your head, pound your fist, and just get angry at how dumb these people are.

We shall open with what has to be one of the dumbest, most hate-filled stories I have ever seen in years of reading these sites for a laugh. Constant thread-starter ralph_e copy/pastes this gem in (ralph_e does nothing but start threads that are copy/pastes, he literally doesn’t know how to reply to a thread on their board!)
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Well, that story will surely be denounced for being crazy, right?
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ralph_e continues to obsess over Obama’s mother
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joan knows Obama commits treason daily also FEMA is coming to gas the entire nation
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sister carol knows the truth!
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Obama is Hitler also Jewish women stare at me with hate eyes over their Jew noses but I don’t know why…
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Leah McDaniel has the untold truth of George Soros (who funds this website) and how he wants communism everywhere which has everything to do with black people killing white people in Africa.
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So Saddam invented Obama and is secretly backed by Russia.
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Greg Carpenter tries his hand at poetry. Bad, crazed poetry.
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That’s it for now. I kept the actual number of posts small because their content is rather large. It is a lot of crazy to absorb for once day. Tune in next time to Weekend Web and I might just have stuff from a different website!