[adrotate banner=”1″]If you want to read a version of this review set up like a normal TarsTarkas.NET review, go here. This is a picture-heavy version made to show off some of the visuals and be used on a message board.
The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit is less of a giant monster movie and more of a giant political satire. This many confuse many people who think it will be 90 minutes of a goofy-looking chicken monster tearing up Japan. Instead, it is 90 minutes of goofy looking politicians throwing one failed scheme after another at Guilala (the monster) until finally journalism and small town values save the day again. The film is directed by cult movie maker Minoru Kawasaki of Crab Goalkeeper and Executive Koala fame. The monster Guilala was in the old 1967 film The X from Outer Space and wasn’t seen again until this 2008 film. Probably because Guiala is one of the most ridiculous looking monsters ever.
Let us begin!
Welcome to the G8 Summit! The G8 in 2008!
Can you name all eight world leaders?
Italian Prime Minster Silvio Berlusconi ate a sour meatball
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is from Canada so let’s feel sorry for him, eh!
German Chancellor Angela Merkel is the hottest German Chancellor in the film!
French President Nicolas Sarkozy spends this film nailing a Japanese model instead of the French one he nails in real life.
American President Berger – That’s right, he isn’t a real person only a representative of a person! That’s because George W. Bush sucks soooooo much they had to replace him with a completely fake person to keep Bush from ruining the movie by existing in it.
Russian President Putin looks nothing like the real Putin but they call him that and he does secret spy assassin stuff so it must be him.
This is Japanese Prime Minister Ibe, who is the fake name for Former Prime Minister Abe, who resigned shortly before the G8 in real life due to diarrhea! The producers were already ticked off that they cast this guy so they give him diarrhea also.
I’m that Brown guy from the UK and I like to point.
Let’s get the freaking movie started!
Two reporters stumble across a village doing crazy dances to their crazy moon god
There is not God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet..
Back in G8 Meeting Land, the French President is getting his J-Seduction on!
When suddenly a Chinese spaceship crashes!
It carried a spore that grew into a giant monster named Guilala! Frakking Chinese!
Not this again!
China, you will have to pay for those power lines!
Guilala then begins to glow!
Because he turned into a beack ball and is flying to a volcano so the movie can save money by not building a giant miniature city set!
The G8 Panel watches, then American President Berger convinces them to become an A-Team and take out Guilala so they can all get reelected!
They come up with a battle plan…
Kenny disagrees with the plan…
Get the Hell out, Kenny!
The three generals who are all veteran kaiju actors get some help
from a scientist guy on a tv screen
Meanwhile, the free market is hard at work producing jobs selling Guilala Spam. Go capitalism!
The monster squawks
Let’s blow this freakazoid up, Japan style!
Oh, snap, he’s eating the missile!
The Japanese PM Abe quits, but is replaces by the Former Japanese PM Koizumi! Circle of life…
Let Italy plan the next attack because they used to be Rome (what the hell kind of logic is that?)
So we lure this monster…
With a missile…
That spins around!!!
Then he falls in a hole! Wait, he just climbs out?? Damn! No wonder Rome fell…
Italy fails, so now Russia will try.
We shall assassinate him with radioactive elements…and deny it.
We saw what you wrote about us in the newspaper, Guilala!
Chase the flying dragon!
Hey, he just falls asleep but doesn’t die! Russia fails at killing the monster like they fail at being a democracy.
Now Germany will give it a go…
Ich bin ein Guilala
Germany gassing someone? I never saw it coming!
Guilala just laughs at their pathetic gas attempt!
So let’s dance!
Germany just got served.
Meanwhile, those reporters remember two wooden planks in the village…Guilala
…And another monster!
Let’s ask this old guy who is probably a famous actor I don’t know
He shows them the magic ancient parchment with monsters on it.
This causes the female reporter to hallucinate paintings of her favorite actor Beat Takeshi
Still hallucinating. Japanese women are crazy.
Check out this villager!
Anyway, this is the god they worship
Let us do crazy ethnic rituals to appease the golden idol while our world leaders fail due to failures that are us appointing them!
The new plan (from Britain) is to give Guilala some headphones!
WTF, Linkin Park???
But the plan fails when the headphones fall off. Churchill would kick your butt, Brown!
Suddenly, Koizumi rips off his mask…
He’s Kim Jong-Il!!!
Shock and Awe!
And all the translators are North Korean Agents
Even this one that Sarkozy is banging instead of being captured. She let’s him know that they are all spies!
Guilala smashes up more stuff
As North Korea plans to nuke the monster!
All nuclear missiles are controlled by a giant red button.
I, the French President, will defeat you by opening my towel!
Real shock and awe!
For once it works and France saves the day for the first time since the Revolutionary War!
President Berger says to Kim Jong-Il “Sucks to be you!” He really says that.
The agent girls laugh knowing that Kim Jong-Il has activated the secret missile button in his glasses! Japan is doomed!
TV Scientist guy explains..
If Guilala is nuked, each piece will grow into a new Guilala thanks to the power of nuclear radiation! Sort of like Gremlins.
The missile is coming, Japan is frakked!
Oh no!! Wait, that’s not a mushroom…
It’s some gold dude! Goldar?
It is Take-majin, the guy that village was worshipping!
And the missile is stuck up his butt!
Guilala is shocked at this sodomy humor!
Take-Majin starts to toss Guilala around like any good moon god should!
He’s also crossed-eyed
Take-Majin was on WWE for many years
Now to go all Krull on you!!
Totally a practical weapon!
The spinning blade of death flies…
Guilala loses his head over it!
And his body blows up! But in the way that doesn’t make lots of other Guilalas. Just go with it, okay?
And we all learned a valuable lesson: all politicians are dumb, but crazy regional religions will save the world from Chinese space chickens.