Posts tagged "giant spiders"

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 104 – Creepies 2

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team B reviews the sequel to Creepies in order to score over Team Jawesome. Featuring more giant spiders, more models, more awful CGI, and more Johnny Mustache! Will it be enough to score another win? And what is Team B’s reaction to Team A’s rebranding as Team Jawesome? Find out on this episode of Discount Puppet Explosion 411!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 18, 2010 at 12:06 am

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Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 103 – Creepies

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team A tackles the giant spider flick Creepies. Who won the first round of competition? And what is Jawesome? Find out on this episode of Discount Puppet Explosion 411!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 10, 2010 at 6:13 pm

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Princess of Mars (Review)

Princess of Mars


2009
Directed and written by Mark Atkins

The Asylum are the masters of the Mockbusters, the films released on DVD the same day that films with similar titles open in the theater. We got Transmorphers, The Terminators, and Dragon. Thanks to the magic of the public domain, the first couple of Barsoom books are copyright free in the USA, thus allowing Asylum to get away with this cash in. Surprisingly, this is not a mockbuster of John Carter of Mars, the upcoming Pixar film due out in 2012, but is a mockbuster for Avatar, complete with mentioning Avatar on the DVD cover.

Now, a few of you will not be that familiar with the story of the Edgar Rice Burroughs John Carter books. A brief explaination: John Carter is a Virginian and former Confederate soldier who is wandering around the West and goes in a cave, and ends up on Mars, called Barsoom by the natives. He’s captured by Green Martians, who are 14 foot tall green Martians with tusks and four arms, who admire his great strength and hopping ability (a gift from his Earth muscles on the lighter gravity of Mars) and train him up to be a warrior. They also capture some Red Martians, who are human-like except for their red skin. Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium, is the main captive, and Carter falls for her and soon they are escaping and lots of fights happen. And everyone on Mars is naked all the time. Guess which part is not in the film! Most of it, actually.

Barsoom – planet of substandard emissions standards

So here at TarsTarkas.NET we have a vested interest in Princess of Mars because there is a dude named Tars Tarkas in it. He’s played by Matt Lasky, who has also left comments on the blog, so we got that going for us.

But the question is…is Princess of Mars a good film? Ha! It’s not the worst thing Asylum has churned out, but it is far from a masterpiece. It isn’t awful, but parts make absolutely no sense. I would have much preferred that they just went with an original story, but, whatever. I can say it is the best Barsoom movie ever, because it is the only Barsoom movie! Yet. I will not rag on some of the CGI or costumes (except when they get really bad…) because at TarsTarkas.NET, we forgive small budgets. We don’t forgive bad writing, so expect that to get pointed out.

Enough jibber-jabber, let’s do this thing, Martian style!

John Carter (Antonio Sabato Jr.) – John Carter is a Marine sniper who originally was from Virginia but gets sent to Mars 216 thanks to the military doing….something….for some reason….never explained. So, yeah, he’s on Mars 216, hopping around, and kicking butt and naming names.
Dejah Thoris (Traci Lords) – Dejah Thoris is the Princess of Mars and Princess of Helium. But since the natives call Mars 216 Barsoom, shouldn’t she be the Princess of Barsoom? Or the Princess of Mars 216? Questions, questions. Traci Lords is not the raven-haired, red skinned Dejah Thoris of the novels, nor does she have the tough, proud warrior independent spirit, instead protraying Dejah Thoris as a more somber, introspective princess.
Tars Tarkas (Matt Lasky) – Tars Tarkas is a Green Martian warrior (Green Martians are Tharks) and befriends John Carter of Mars. Tars Tarkas eventually takes over the Thark clan, because Tars Tarkas rules. The Tars Tarkas costume starts deteriorating as the film progresses, so keep an eye out for that. The Green Martian heads look like artichokes or asparagus spears or something.
Sarka (Chacko Vadaketh) – Sarka betrays John Carter in Afghanistan and is partially responsible for Carter being sent to Mars 216.
Sab Than (It is a mystery!) – Who is the mysterious warrior Sab Than, who is sort of the Princess’s bodyguard, but not really?
Tal Hajus (Mitchell Gordon) – The fat Jabba mofo who runs the Tharks and is totally evil. He also hates women with eyes. Yeah. He gets sliced and diced.
Sola (Noelle Perris) – Sola in this film is just a random Green Martian lady who is friends with Tars Tarkas. She does some pivotal rescuing.


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 2, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Monkey War (Review)

Monkey War


1982
Starring
Lau Seung-Him as Monkey King (Sun Wukong)
??? as Pig (Zhu Bajie)
??? as Tangseng
??? as Sand Monk (Sha Wujing)

Monkey King and his friends encounter two con job fake priests, Spider Women with a Giant Fire-breathing Spider, and flying birdmen lead by shapeshifting bats. This is a collection of what looks like three episodes of a Journey to the West (or Monkey) Series combined into a movie. Problem is, the movie is is Chinese, with zero subtitles! I completely missed the giant “No Subtitles” sticker on the video box, totally enthralled by the painting of a giant flame-breathing spider on the video cover. Not knowing what’s going on in a movie isn’t a new phenomenon here at TarsTarkas.NET, even when the film is in English! Unlike the trickle of Turkish cinema that pops around without any subtitles at all, this time we got the movie’s number. Armed with a Chinese-speaking girlfriend (HI, Honey!) we trudged bravely forward. There is also a second advantage, with a film involving a story with such history as this, it’s easy to find some further information online, so that will be stop number one!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 2, 2005 at 3:53 am

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Tarantula (Review)

Tarantula


1955
Starring
John Agar as Dr. Matt Hastings
Mara Corday as Steve (Stephanie) Clayton
Leo G. Carroll as Prof. Gerald Deemer
Clint Eastwood as Jet Squadron Leader

Tarantula immediately sets the tone for it’s 1950’s sci-fi-ness by a bleak opening involving a dying mutant in the desert. Over the course of this movie the White Hero and Cold Female Scientist will work together to defeat the Monster Menace caused by the Old Mad Scientist in what would be a cookie cutter movie. It came out in 1955, one year after Gojira but one year before Godzilla with Steve Martin hit the US shores. How much that movie influenced this is unknown to me, but this is a pretty well made for the time giant monster movie on par with some of the earlier movies in the daikaiju genre. It even features a young Clint Eastwood as the leader of a jet squadron that is sent to send the spider to Spider Hell. This movie does differ in the spider is a real spider blown up to enormous size as opposed to a man in suit, so it is similar to other classics such as Giant Gila Monster.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 8, 2005 at 11:15 pm

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , ,

The Magic Serpent (Review)

The Magic Serpent

aka Kairyu daikessen

1966

Starring

Hiroki Matsukata as Ikazuki Maru
Tomoko Ogawa as Sunate
Ryutaro Otomo as Oroki Maru
Bin Amatsu as Yuki Daijo


This Movie seems like it would have it all. Ninjas, Giant monsters, sword fighting. Yet somehow it manages only be average. It has a plot similar to Dune, or 5000 other movies where sons of murdered kings return for revenge. So let’s get Started…

NINJA ATTACK! The movie opens strong as a horde of ninjas attack a castle. The master awakens, but is betrayed by his subject Yuki Daijo and the evil wizard Oroki Maru. Master is killed, but his son Ikazuki Maru is shuttled off on a boat. But Oroki Maru turns into a dragon and gives chase. The Dragon has a very familiar roar, suspiciously like another giant lizard known to attack Tokyo and breathe fire. But let’s not dwell on that and get back to the chase. The Dragon destroys the boat and is about to kill the boy when a bird comes out of nowhere and slices the Dragon, with blood spraying EVERYWHERE! It is quite magnificent. The bird grabs little Ikazuki Maru and flies off. The bird also sounds suspiciously like another flying monster that attacks Tokyo on some regularity, but it is best not to dwell on that, either.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - June 25, 2004 at 8:21 pm

Categories: Bad, Movie Reviews   Tags: , , , , , , ,

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