Written by Paul A. Birkett and Eric Forsberg
Directed by Griff Furst
Prepare to get ARACHNOQUAKED!!! That’s when there is an earthquake, and GIANT FIRE-BREATHING ALBINO SPIDERS attack! It’s two disasters in one, crawling on eight legs and ready to roast and chomp you! Griff Furst directs this SyFy creature feature, and he has a pretty good track record of delivering an entertaining flick. Once again, a Furst knocks it out of the park, giving us some fun monster mayhem. The flaws in the flick are easily overlooked in the face of giant white spider death!
Now, a common theme for monster flicks is that the monsters were always there, just chilling in a closed off area that recently comes exposed thanks to mankind doing something awful like being greedy. SyFy flicks such as Caved In: Prehistoric Terror, Malibu Shark Attack, and Jersey Shore Shark Attack all feature a similar scenario. And so does Arachnoquake. The twist is, the earthquakes exposing the spider den were caused by fracking, the controversial process of injecting pressurized liquid into shale beds in order to extract hydrocarbons (aka oil), which has been blamed for everything from earthquakes to contaminating groundwater and making it flammable. Despite the big hubbub, fracking is barely mentioned in media. And while I don’t think it will lead to giant flame-breathing albino spiders destroying the American south, I do think it sucks.
Arachnoquake is more fun than a barrel of spiders. Parts are high energy, though it will veer off as we enter zones of plot development. The action is focused closer to the ground so we don’t really see the scope of the giant spider menace, but it would appear multiple states are in for a lot of problems. Arachnoquake does a good balance of not taking itself too seriously, but still being serious enough you feel the characters are in danger.
Super Batman & Mazinger V
What if Batman was some goofy Power Rangers kid show. And it sucked. Welcome to the world of Super Batman & Mazinger V! For those of you in the know, South Korea during the 80s and 90s produced a whole slew of copyright violating children’s programming that put the insane in the brain, much of which had tie-in low-quality toys. All of these films are horribly awful, and most of them are unknown in the West, rotting away on Korean VHS tapes. But occasionally some of them get brought out into the light of day, blinking in the sunlight, exposure to the bigger world a new and surreal experience for them. And TarsTarkas.NET tells them how much they suck!
Coming soon to the next Nolan film!
This time, Batman has gone all Power Rangers, and is either called Super Batman or Super Betaman (the film and related media cannot make up its mind!) He looks like he should be fighting Krankor and the Neptune Men, but instead fights a space witch and her crappy wolfman army. Besides making a horrific-looking Batman, they also steal wholesale from Mazinger V, an anime you’ve heard of if you’re into giant robot stuff, or will hear of once the new movie comes out in a few years (if you are reading this in the future and the movie already has come out, then read that sentence as past tense, but at least you get to fly hovercars!)
Hey, Teen Wolf Cosplay Guy, carsurfing was outlawed for a reason!
Other Korean kiddie programming includes Our Friend, Power 5 (Wurideul-ui chingu pawo 5) – A 1989 Ninja Turtles ripoff, Ddaeng-Chil and Double Light (땡칠이와 쌍라이트) – A 1990 alien invasion film where Yoda and apes show up, Eagle Man (who looks like another Batman clone), Dragonball: Goku Fights, Goku Wins (1990) – A Dragonball feature that follows the plot closer than any official Dragonball movie, and literally dozens more. Some of the films are all live action, some are all animation, and many are mixed in between, with models waved around and goofy alien costumes. The most frustrating part of the little information I’ve been able to find about these films is that they only have been released on decaying vhs tapes and will probably soon wither away into nothingness. The common denominator of many of this films seem to be to sell cheap toys, heck in this film a character carries around the toy of the giant robot! The legality of the toys I am sure is questionable at best.
Hi, we’re going to go all Star Wars Holiday Special on your ass!
As the film is in Korean with no subtitles (We don’t need no stinking subtitles!), character names are guesses or descriptions, and the plot is put together from what can be understood from the pictures. As it is a kid’s program, the plot isn’t that complicated, so no worries there. We’ve even found this handy plot synopsis: The witch Rinke rules over the plant Astro with an iron fist. She decides that she needs the super-powered robot, Zangga, to spread her rule to other planets. She learns that Zangga is lying dormant somewhere on Earth and sends her agents, Kats and Kobra, to find and collect him. However, she did not count on the intervention of Betaman and some Earth children who are also looking for Zangga.
That doesn’t help at all! Okay, it sort of has what is happening. Is Kobra the name of the Wolfman? I couldn’t ID any of the actors, but I added some names to the tags just in case. And I hope the mysterious II in the Korean title doesn’t mean there is another Super Batman film out there…because…::shudders::
Batman poses for photos, thousands die.
Looks like some lucky family got their family portraits back from JC Penney!
Zone Fighter Episode 09 – Oe! Reddosupaidaa-no Himitsu
aka Search for the Secret of the Red Spider! aka Find the Secret of the Red Spider!
Directed by Kengo Furusawa
Written by Juro Shimamoto
Zone Fighter is back and he’s on a murder spree! Zone Fighter and the rest of the Zone Family have come to kill innocent animals that the Garoga have infected. Curing them is not an option, only MUUUURDER!
We at TarsTarkas.NET do not condone murder, especially of innocent animals. We however do condone the murder of the Zone Family, and are officially Team Garoga! Now, if you’re reading these in chronological order, we’ve skipped a few. That’s entirely the fault of the disks, because technology is dumb. What happened in those missing two episodes? Probably nothing important. In any event, if you are confused as to who’s-who in the Zone Fighter universe, check out the Zone Fighter Splash Page for all your questions to be answered.
Hikaru Sakimori (aka Zone Fighter) still hasn’t bothered to kill all the Garoga, and instead is just sitting around Earth chasing Garoga signals. Lazy, lazy Zone.
Holy crap, a foot long red spider! Flying in the air on it’s web or something. It’s Creepies all over again! The spider floats to a truck just sitting at the side of the road…
Garoga agents! Hikaru gets into a big fight with them. The Zone Fighter theme plays, it’s all very Zone-ish. But Hikaru hasn’t bothered to turn into Zone Fighter, because he’s lazy, and although he’s kicking their butts, Zone realizes he needs to transform to sell more toys.
The Zone Family gets a signal and transform to go help. The Garoga attack with black and white candy cane weapons! Weapons they are too dumb to use properly and soon the Zone Family have grabbed their candy canes and are killing them with their own weapons.
The Garoga goons taunt that their spider is evil, and then run away. Why you would yell that as a taunt I have no idea, as it’s stupid! Way to spoil your plans, Team Garoga. We’re no longer Team Garoga, as both teams are stupid.
But the Zone family doesn’t bother to stop or attack the spider RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM and instead they go back home to ask Grandpa Zone what is up. Okay, that’s so stupid we’re back on Team Garoga!
Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team B reviews the sequel to Creepies in order to score over Team Jawesome. Featuring more giant spiders, more models, more awful CGI, and more Johnny Mustache! Will it be enough to score another win? And what is Team B’s reaction to Team A’s rebranding as Team Jawesome? Find out on this episode of Discount Puppet Explosion 411!
Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team A tackles the giant spider flick Creepies. Who won the first round of competition? And what is Jawesome? Find out on this episode of Discount Puppet Explosion 411!