Hawk the Slayer – New RiffTrax VOD!


RiffTrax is back with more wacky fantasy fluff, the new VOD Hawk the Slayer! Another fine film I saw oh so long ago, and I can attest that it is bonkers and awful and bonkful and all those other made up combined words. Featuring Jack Palance pre-City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, and with only half a face! There are characters named Gort, Voltan, Hawk, Crow, Baldin, Ranulf, and Drogo! A bunch of fantasy stuff collides in a monument of “Huh?” as Hawk the Slayer slays it’s way to being a movie you will compare to Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans. Maybe.

Buy it today at RiffTrax.com!

If you took a Dungeons & Dragons adventure written hastily by an 8th grader during study hall and turned it into a movie, you’d wind up with something a lot like Hawk the Slayer. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how they actually got the script. But this movie has something that no D&D adventure can claim: Jack Palance. A whole lot of Jack Palance. Specifically MEGA-EVIL Jack Palance, playing a character named Voltan. He yells, kills, yells, whisper-threatens, whisper-yells, kills, and mostly just yells his way across the countryside. Seems no one can stop him until his brother Hawk – yes, his brother, despite being about 40 years younger – gathers an elf, a dwarf, and a giant to take him down. Not as much dignity as a Fellowship of the Ring, more of a… Crew of the Stuff.

Keen-eyed fans may recognize the dwarf from our release Prisoners of the Lost Universe. Also, the actor playing Hawk went on to portray Jack’s dad in Lost — hmmm, Prisoners of the LOST Universe, LOST, time to dig up your old Lost conspiracy theories because there’s something happening here, IT’S ALL CONNECTED.

Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a heaping helping of Jack the Palance and Hawk the Slayer!

Hawk the Slayer RiffTrax

R.O.T.O.R. – New RiffTrax VOD!

R.O.T.O.R.! There are two type of people in the world: People who have seen R.O.T.O.R. and know that means this RiffTrax is an instant buy, or those poor souls who have never experiences the majesty and pain that is R.O.T.O.R. Imagine the most awful version of Robocop meets Short Circuit meets the gum stuck under your desk in 9th grade. Which means this will be awesome! Buy it today on RiffTrax.com!

R.O.T.O.R. could be described as The Room meets Cyborg Cop 2, and if that makes any sense to you at all then you know how excited we are about it!

It’s an embarrassment of riches, where to begin? Our hero Captain J.B. Coldyron, police robotics genius and ranch owner, whose dialogue was all dubbed by a different actor and written by a different species? The goofy office robot who somehow possesses more sophisticated intelligence than the dangerous “advanced” prototype on the loose, aka R.O.T.O.R.? Or what the acronym R.O.T.O.R. itself stands for: Robotic Officer of the Tactical Operations Research. Yes, the last word in the killer police robot’s name is Research, for some reason. Except later in the movie, when it suddenly stands for Reserve instead. Why? If you want an explanation, you’d better ask Shoeboogie, the wacky Native American janitor who loves to dance. Actually, don’t ask Shoeboogie anything, it’s probably best to avoid all eye contact with Shoeboogie.

Coldyron! Research! Shoeboogie! If you say those words real fast they kind of sound like a song, but they’re also three of the many reasons you should join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the wonder of wonders that is R.O.T.O.R.!

RiffTrax ROTOR

Anaconda is the next RiffTrax Live!

RiffTrax Life Anaconda

Are We There Yet 3 went really dark!


The next RiffTrax Live event is the Kickstarter stretch goal Anaconda! You all remember this lovely film, about a snake that just wants to eat J-Lo and Ice Cube, and also Jon Voight is the creepiest weirdo you ever did see in a movie about a giant snake. It’s crazy and it’s RiffTrax Live!

Will there be very obvious jokes about how the snake is question has no desires unless the gluteus maximus is of maximum maximus proportions? Will Nikki Minaj show up and start rapping out a verse like she does on every song on the radio? Will robots invade the Earth while you are safe in your theater, only to emerge in a post-apocalyptic wasteland? You’ll just have to buy tickets to find out!

RiffTrax Live Anaconda happens on October 30th in theaters around the country, so be there or be squeezed to death by a freakishly giant snake!

Also there is a contest going on to submit Riffs for the RiffTrax Life, it ends September 30th and can win you a $100 gift certificate. So do that if you like to do that kind of thing!

Fanthom Events page!

The Sword and the Sorcerer – new RiffTrax VOD!

RiffTrax returns to the world of terrible 1980s fantasy to bring us their latest VOD, The Sword and the Sorcerer! You might recall it as that crazy movie with the three-bladed sword. Well, now you can say it is that crazy movie with the three-bladed sword AND three guys talking over it! It also has everyone’s favorite Big McLargeHuge, Reb Brown! That alone is an auto-buy. So go buy it! Or don’t, but just remember, no one will think you are cool if you don’t own the RiffTrax of The Sword and the Sorcerer. Not even your mom.

And the 80s said, “let there be fantasy movies,” and there were fantasy movies, and they were good. Well, they weren’t really. But lo, raise thy flagon to the 80s, for through the mists of legendry* (*actual phrase from the movie) they bring us The Sword and the Sorcerer!

Before George R.R. Martin ever Gamed a Throne, The Sword and the Sorcerer had a witch bringing forth a hideous monster, a noble family of good guys getting wiped out, and even a Red Wedding! Or at least a Magenta Wedding. It also has a three-bladed sword that shoots blades, the kind of idea that seems like it could only have been pitched by an 8 year old boy right after the phrase “You know what would be COOL?”

Follow the adventures of our hero, Talon, a rogue/warrior/buccaneer/general/upholsterer/freelance architect/hooker with a heart of gold, as he gets vengeance and shoots his sword and swings on ropes and whatnot, y’know, hero stuff.

It’s high fantasy, just like the blacklight posters and pewter figurines at Spencer’s Gifts envisioned! Join The Mike and The Bill and The Kevin for The Sword and the Sorcerer!

Note: contains some scary stuff and brief incidental harem nudity.

via RiffTrax

Sword and the Sorcerer RiffTrax

Dinosaurus! – new RiffTrax VOD!

RiffTrax takes on another classic with Dinosaurus! Faithful friends of awesome cinema will remember this as the film where an Allosaurus fights a steam shovel, and also there is a Brontosaurus (suck it, Apatosaurus lovers!) and a Caveman running around. And an annoying kid. Damn that kid! Never fear, there are plenty of offensive ethnic stereotypes, and the main villain looks like Big Daddy from The Simpsons’ Spinoff Showcase!

Buy it today on RiffTrax.com before you become frozen in time!

Also a bunch of older VOD titles have been put up on Hulu+ if you are into paying for streaming content in plus format.

TarsTarkas.NET handled Dinosaurus! waaaaay back in 2005, when there still was the occasional dinosaur running around. Now the only dinosaur is this site….

Time for Dinosaurus! Not to be confused with Dinosaur U.S., the traveling show where patriotic velociraptors do a leggy synchronized dance to entertain the troops. No, Dinosaurus is a vintage 60s monster flick, complete with a caveman and drunk-looking stop motion dinosaurs (or are they dinosauruses? It’s never quite clear). The dinos find themselves unfrozen on an island chock full of stereotypes (stereotypuses?) including a square-jawed hero, a fat man-child sidekick named Dumpy, a kid who knows what’s really going on but gosh, gee golly, nobody will listen to him, and O’Leary, an Irishman so drunk and cartoonish he single-handedly inspired the formation of the Irish Anti-Defamation League. And, last but not least, the Island Manager (which is apparently a thing) whose hat and beard and general sliminess might just remind you of a certain fella whose interests include keeping the Master happy and slow pizza delivery.

It’s not about DinosaurMe, it’s not about DinosaurYou, it’s about DinosaurUs. We love this one and think you will too, join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Dinosaurus!

Dinosaurus RiffTrax

Here is a cool French Dinosaurus poster because why not?
Dinosaurus Poster French

Godzilla – RiffTrax Live Trip Report!

RiffTrax Godzilla
March of Godzilla 2014

I live in a world where I have gone to see 1998’s Godzilla in theaters twice ON PURPOSE! And in between the two showings, I saw a different American Godzilla movie also called Godzilla that was actually good and actually had Godzilla in it! Strange how life works. The original Godzilla viewing back in 98 was on opening weekend, where I convinced all my friends to go and was pretty excited, hoping that this would be another Independence Day-style awesome action film that I would end up seeing three times in the theater (like ID4). But it turned out to be terrible and I still get friends bemoaning that I dragged them to see Godzilla to this day. Godzilla took a lot of flack, from Godzilla looking like an Iguana mutating into Jay Leno to everything else about the film because it’s completely garbage at all levels. Bad acting from some of the leads, Matthew Broderick not being an action star, zero strong female characters, strange director vendettas, confusing action sequences, indiscriminate destruction by the US military, clown college Jurassic Park breaking out in the last third of the film, and CGI that hasn’t aged well. Some CGI was dodgy then, including any scene where we are very very close to Godzilla’s skin (it’s like they didn’t make a high textured skin surface to use for those shots!) or any scene with Godzilla in the water (just embarrassing!)

Godzilla led to a legacy of shame, but in shame there is often great potential. Potential being Godzilla would make a great potential RiffTrax! Thus, a Kickstarter was born. (Disclosure: I meant to donate to this Kickstarter, but I forgot! D’oh!) The Kickstarter was successful enough, they not only got the funds for Godzilla, but they reached the stretch goal of Anaconda as well (out October 30th, more details in a later post!)

As addressed by one of the preshow slides, the most memorable Godzilla quote isn’t even from the film, but from the Taco Bell Dog saying “Here Lizard Lizard Lizard” in commercials. That’s just good commentary.

Some of the preshow slides were awesome, (though a few fell flat). The kaiju nerdy ones were hilarious, but no one in the theater I was at seemed to get them. Also, the theater was more empty than it’s been recently at the RiffTrax events, I don’t know if it was Godzilla scaring them off or what, but that’s how it was.

The length of the film meant we had no time for shorts and little time for banter before the movie, though they did debut their new opening animation, which was cool if a bit long. The riffs were largely on point and hilarious, though there were some sound mixing problems, especially in the first 10-15 minutes, that left a few jokes unheard over the noise of the film. I guess I’ll have to wait for the mp3, though that will mean watching Godzilla yet again (NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!) My favorite riffs included how no one likes Echo 3, the Muppets Take Manhattan riff, and the frustration at Emmerich’s coffee and Ebert vendettas. Any time the riffers went all French was also hilarious. Most of the lack of enjoyment stems from the film itself, not the commentary. I would rate it in one of the top five RiffTrax Live events, though that may just be because I’m biased towards giant monster films. That’s forgiving the technical problems.

Speaking of technical problems, the show I was at had the fire alarm go off in the middle of it! This stopped the film, but it was a false alarm so we sat and waited for ten minutes until they could restart the show. I was worried we’d miss a bit, but they rewound so we ended up seeing a few minutes over again, and I got a free pass at the end. I even found a nickel on BART, which means I turned a profit for the night. Finally, Godzilla pays off!