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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Pachinko Queen Explosion (Review)

September 28, 2011By

Pachinko Queen Explosion


2007
Directed by ???

There are lots of shots of pachinko in the film. If you love pachinko, then Pachinko Queen Explosion is the film for you! If you have no idea what the frak pachinko is, you will be fast-forwarding or surfing the web until the sex action happens.

While trying to find more information about this film than just one actress’s name, I discovered that there are a lot of gambling-themed softcore flicks in Japan. It’s like a whole subgenre. And they’re films you will feel better about watching than Train Molester 9 or something similar.

Like me, you’re probably already familiar with pachinko and all the terminology and controversy around it. But for those one or two readers who aren’t down with the kakuhen system, koatari, or even senpuku kakuhen, let’s do a quick pachinko terminology lesson:

Pachinko – Pachinko is a game of chance played at machines similar to a slot/pinball machine, or the Plinko game on The Price is Right. Balls go down a peg board, and if they hit the center a slot machine type mechanism is activated. Players attempt to win more balls, which are exchanged for prizes or tokens. Tokens can then be exchanged for cash at a different location (direct trading for cash is illegal in Japan!) A pachinko establishment is called a parlor. Pachinko is also popular in Taiwan.

Payout mode – If the pachinko machine hits the jackpot on the slot machine portion, payout mode begins, where a slot opens and the player must get as many balls into the slot as possible, because they win tons of balls for each one.

Kakuhen system – After hitting jackpot, many machines use the kakuhen system, which makes the chances of hitting another jackpot much more likely. A string of jackpots is known as fever mode. Another type of kakuhen system is the special time (or ST) kakuhen, where the player automatically gets the next jackpot, but you don’t get a payout unless you hit certain odds.

Jitan mode – If the player fails to get kakuhen, the player enters jitan mode, where the speed of spins increases and the slot size increases.

Koatari – Koatari became popular in 2007, it is where the jackpot slot opens randomly, even when no balls are in play. It is possible to have jackpots that pay nothing. Use primarily to bump up the displayed payout stats.

Battle-type machines – Type of Kaotari that when opening randomly, causes a player to have to “battle” and “defeat” enemies (aka reach specific goals) in order to get the jackpot and reach the next kakuhen. When you fail battle mode, the machine reverts to jitan mode. The excitement from battling has caused this type to be very addictive.

Senpuku Kakuhen – A hidden kakuhen that happens in koatari, the player unaware of the timing, but usually knowing the approximate odds of getting it. Experienced players can score swooping in on machines that have had consecutive loses without a payout, and the senpuku kakuhen encourages players to stay at one machine for a long time to win the payout.

Now that everyone is a pachinko expert…too bad, because you don’t really need to know much of anything about pachinko for the plot! Just know that you win balls. So let’s get started!

Mari (Karen Kisaragi) – Pachinko employee who works at the Pachinko center Seven, as her father that she only saw when she was little was fond of playing pachinko at that location. Karen Kisaragi is an AV star whose films you can find easily online.
Hiroshi (???) – Mari’s boyfriend and an expert pachinko player. He earns enough that they make a living off of it.
Yamazaki (???) – Businessman who buys places and tears them down to build better places. His latest target is the run down pachinko joint Seven, which he wants to replace with a gourmet amusement center. One thing he doesn’t buy is condoms, which is why he has a daughter running around. You may have heard of her, her name is Mari.
Mika (???) – Yamazaki’s Trophy girlfriend, whose life is an utter bore except for when she’s given expensive gifts or winning at Pachinko (thanks to the power of cheating!) Not particularly faithful, as she has no qualms boning Mr. Kitamura.
Mr. Kitamura (???) – Boss of the Pachinko place SEVEN. and looking for a sellout.
Buddy Referee Guy (???) – His small but pivotal role is the most important of the whole film. He’s the scorekeeper-referee of the final match! And he’s sort of friends with Hiroshi and works at SEVEN along with Mari. He’s my favorite character.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

New Manager of the Sumo Club (Review)

September 27, 2011By

New Manager of the Sumo Club

aka Sumobeya Shinjin Manager

2004
Directed by Katsumi Nojiri
New Manager of the Sumo Club
There is a new manager at the Sumo Club. A girl! Time to freak out! GAAAAAAAAH! Okay, all better now. So let’s have an adventure in the erotic world of Sumo Club management, a subject that demands hundreds of cinema entries a month. People just can’t get enough. They’re weird like that. So let’s give people what they want: stories about female coaches of sumo squads.
New Manager of the Sumo Club

Mai Umino (Azumi Suzuki) – Mai Umino is a senior at Johoku University who is doing extra credit with one of her professors. This gets them into trouble, so she has to coach the sumo club to save the day. She learns to laugh, to love, and to sumo, becoming the best sumo coach ever by the end of the film.
Hiromi Shiro (???) – Mai’s roommate, lifelong friend, and virgin. She decides to take care of that last one thus giving us more sex scenes.
Professor Tazawa (???) – Professor at Johoku University who enjoys his students in an ethically dishonorable way. He gets sent back to the farm.
Kazu (???) – Kazu is a guy Hiromi likes, but Mai also likes him. DRAMA!! Mai gets him to join the Sumo Club.
Captain Mototaka Tokita (???) – A scrawny sumo dude doesn’t want to compete because he lacks confidence. He also lacks any body fat or muscle.
Nishi Hanada (???) – The only member of the sumo club who is the correct weight for sumo. Too bad he’s awful at it!

New Manager of the Sumo Club

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Model Solution (Review)

September 8, 2011By

The Model Solution


2002
Directed by Edward Holzman

The Model Solution is about the tough as nails business of running a modeling agency and having sex and doing girls and making love. But mostly having sex and doing girls and making love. It’s from the Indigo Entertainment family of films, which were noted for bigger budgets, higher quality, better scripts than the average softcore productions coming out as the millennium changed. The Model Solution is no different, an entertaining film even if you ignore the sex scenes, largely due to the likeability of Sebastien Guy, who makes everything watchable. One of the amazing things is how many of the actors are going by different names than they are usually credited by. It’s like everyone drew an alias out of a hat and used that. Besides the main cast aliases, Kimber Lynn is Kimberlee Castaic, Katie Lohmann is Katie Lohman, April Flowers is Diana Espen, Sasha Peralto is Sasha Rochelle, GiGi Erneta is Gigi Erneta, and Kimberly Fisher is Kimberly Kay. I’d make a flow chart, but I’m lazy.

As this stars Sebastien Guy like The Sex Substitute and The Sex Substitute Two, I consider this the unofficial third Sex Substitute film, where instead of accidentally substituting for sex therapists, the character has branched out into the world of modeling. And as Sebastien Guy left the world of softcore films to become an actual model, real life validates my theory. That is why TarsTarkas.NET is the number one website about theories of The Model Solution. And if I see any more Sebastien Guy films, I’ll just add them to the Sex Substitute canon somehow. That’s how we roll here. Girl for Girl, I will fit you in somehow!

Director Edward Holzman helmed the classic late night Cinemax flick Friend of the Family, and produced a lot of the Indigo Entertainment archive. He’s also listed as producer on Corporate Fantasy and some other Mystique Films.

Jack Spencer (Sebastien Guy as Scott Duke) – The CEO of Models, Ltd., a company that provides models (as opposed to polar bears) and our main character, who is too busy enjoying life and working hard to enjoy life and work hard. Wait, that doesn’t make sense…but it does. Hmmm…
Steve (Jason Schnuit as Dave Veleo) – friend of Jack, who gets dumped right at the beginning of the movie and has an adversarial relationship with Jack’s secretary Emma, who we all know he’ll be dating by the end of the flick
Emma (Holly Hollywood) – Jack’s secretary, and owner of a secret crush on Steve, but she works with too many beautiful women to have enough confidence to do anything about it. Holly Hollywood is also in The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man.
Rebecca Knight (Kim Yates as Kim Laurel) – The CEO of Knightware Apparel, and the big client Jack is trying to snag. She’s also a big lesbian, as that factors into the plot.
Caroline Cross (Regina Russell) – Jack’s ex-girlfriend who now runs a rival model agency, Nuance. She competes with Jack over Rebecca Knight’s business, popping up at inopportune times. Regina Russell is a softcore veteran and is also in The Mummy’s Kiss, Bikini Airways, and a cameo in Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet.

Community Swingers
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Community Swingers (Review)

September 7, 2011By

Community Swingers


2006
Directed by Jeff Bay

Community Swingers is a softcore flick from Torchlight Entertainment, and it is from the large large group of pictures Torchlight dumped onto the world the last half of the aughts. If you have seen any of these films, you will note that they are light in plot and heavy in long long sex sequences. Oddly enough, Community Swingers differs from a lot of them, as it is not directed by Francis Locke (instead, Jeff Bay is credited, and let’s pretend he’s Michael Bay’s brother because, why not?) and there are not many scenes shot either in the desert or at the local hotel near the desert. But it retains many of the hallmark signatures that have come to define Torchlight films, including the ever-present music of Blade Simpson. He’s better than Sword Family Guy, but not as good as Katana SouthPark.

Community Swingers is not a good film. It is barely a film. The sex scenes are long. And I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! They go on forever! Stringing the sex scenes together are a few bits of actual plot, most of which is in scenes that last only a few minutes (or less than one minute in one example.) The plot itself is very simple and is resolved by someone just answering a question. So very simple. As the script was probably one page single-spaced in Word, all the sex scene padding was needed to hit the running time. The actresses in the film aren’t bad looking, the extra characters also don’t look terrible. The sets must have had a budget of less than $1000, and there are technical problems like the ever-present boom mike. The boom mike has more scenes than most of the actors. There is little information about the film online, no real cast list, and no real release date. The 2006 date is a guess based on the DVD release, but there is a 2003 copyright claim in the credits. Looks like we’ll have to call in the Scooby Gang to solve this mystery!

I’m sure some of you are used to softcore films that have plots, actual actors, and charming qualities, but forget all you know or think you know. This is the world of Community Swingers! Not everything is bad, Nina Dolci’s acting is amusing and completely inconsistent (a good director could probably get a great performance out of her) and some of the sex sequences pull of their jobs of being erotic or hot, even if they get bogged down by the length. Though I can’t in good conscience give this high marks, I wouldn’t hold back people from watching it, I would just inform them as the what they would encounter when watching, which might even let them enjoy the film more if they don’t expect it to be something that it isn’t. As for the film, let’s get started swinging around the community!

Elaina (Mindy Vega) – Elaina enjoys the simple things. Nice clothes, condo lounging, reading Playboy, wearing bikini tops, having lesbian sex with any girl that moves, theorizing about the neighbor, and being converted from her homosexuality via dating someone rich. Mindy Vega runs her own webcam site, so Google her name if you want to see some stuff.
Jackie (Nina Dolci) – Jackie is Elaina’s best friend and occasional lover. Jackie also pounces on the men, especially male strippers, her dream date. Jackie also doesn’t put up with nonsense and likes to get to the bottom of things, but always believes in the worst of people she doesn’t like. In a dark alleyway, you would want Jackie in your corner against any and all that would stand against you.
Lance Taylor (Frank Anthony) – An artist who makes art by making a lot of noise.
Boom Mike (a boom mike) – The boomiest mike of them all becomes a major star in Community Swingers, as he stalks and lies in wait to pounce on the two female leads, ready to attack when the least suspect it! Look out, ladies!

Sexy Soccer
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sexy Soccer (Review)

August 17, 2011By

Sexy Soccer

aka Sing gum zhook kao aka 少女足球

2003
Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze

Warning, this movie has a lot of puns. A lot of bad puns. A lot of bad puns that don’t translate well so things might sound weird. Just go with it!

Hong Kong Category III sex films have gotten cheaper and cheaper. Sexy Soccer represents a last gasp of actual money in a production, films post-2003 seem to be done for 1/10th of the cost of this film. Sexy Soccer sees such things as extras, location shooting, and characters that number more than five. This is from Dick Lau Tin-Sze’s company (probably an alias), and the films he produced decreased in quality and used many of the same actors. It’s like watching them go from real movies down to community theater to dinner theater.

But it’s so damn awful! My goodness, so awful… A large portion of the film comprises of these girls playing soccer, and it’s obviously that they spent more time filming these scenes than the entirety of gym classes during their school years. Bumbling around the soccer field is not believable, but that’s not really the point of the film. The point of the film seems to be watching Matthew Ng Ting get it on with a variety of girls. As Matthew Ng Ting is not very attractive, the film treating him like some sort of lust-inducing superstud is laughable. The situations, the contrived plot, and the weird asides all add up to a wacky film. But at least it is somewhat entertaining. You do wonder what sort of weird thing will happen next. It’s…odd. And since some other films made soon after are just wretchedly bad, Sexy Soccer deserves more praise than it’s going to get. But it’s so damn awful!

The music is not bad, but I like surf music. If you don’t like surf music, than the soundtrack of the film will drive you bonkers! Actors credited that don’t seem to be in any other film include Tong Tong, Cheung Wing, Kam Bing-Man, and Siu Yau. Just which of them are which actresses/actors, I don’t know. And if any of the ??? actresses below show up in other films, again, I don’t know. We’re just chock full o’ knowledge here at TarsTarkas.NET!

Rolando Lo (Matthew Ng Ting) – Rolando is a soccer coach who just can’t win. Until he comes up with an idea to win win win. Also he has sex with like 5000 women in a matter of days. Imagine how many STDs this dude has. Matthew Ng Ting appeared out of nowhere to suddenly star in close to 25 Cat III sex films, then vanish just as quickly. Probably in a dumpster. A sex dumpster!
Pulls (Carmen Yeung Ga-Man) – Pulls has cotton balls in her mouth for some reason, I guess to make her more whiny or something. Odd character choice, but let’s go with it! Carmen Yeung Ga-Man was in a whole slew of Cat III films for a few years (including Sex and the Central), then suddenly disappeared, then suddenly reappeared as a singer, and was even linked to Eric Tsang in the tabloids. She has disappeared again.
Nina (Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen) – Nina gives Rolando the idea to get a team full of bouncy girls to distract the other soccer players. She even agrees to join his team if he finds someone else to be on it. That random promise put her down a road to becoming a soccer superstar. Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen/Vinny Ouyang was in a few random Cat III films during the first half of the Aughts. This was probably the best one of the lot. She also shows up briefly in Drink, Drank, Drunk before vanishing into obscurity.
Little Twin (???) – The legendary Rolling Queen of bowling. You may have heard of her, she’s very famous. You haven’t heard of Little Twin? You must be new around here, then! Kingpin was based on her life. And then Little Twin decided after a battle of riddles to conquer the world of soccer. Look out, soccer!
Big Twin (???) – The pool playing sister of the family, who is obviously related to Little Twin. I’m convinced the same actress played both parts and the scenes were achieved with digital trickery! That actress? Lindsay Lohan!
Ironan (Grace Lam Nga-Si) – Ironan? Was her name supposed to be Ironman? Iron-Nan? Iron on? Who know? In any event, she’s an auto mechanic recruited to the team as a goalie.
Mysterious Bonus Player (???) – Mysterious Bonus Player shows up in the background of a few of the soccer matches, rounding out the Friendly Balls team. But just who is she? Why does she only have one line? Why does actress Au-Yeung Hoi-Suen shove her out of the shot for one scene? These are the mysteries that try men’s souls.

Batbabe
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie (Review)

June 26, 2011By

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie


2009
Written by John Bacchus and Michael Raso
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema strikes again, putting out two super-hero themed erotic parodies to cash in on the summer of the super-hero, the Iron Man parody The Insatiable IronBabe was the other. We’re focusing on Batbabe: The Dark Nightie this time out, because that’s the one we have a copy of!

One of the least erotic erotic movies I have ever seen, it is basically a parody film with naked chicks and dildos. Although I don’t think anyone was going into this expecting high art, there were probably some late night watchers who were expecting it to be a bit sexy. But Batbabe is not the type of softcore film you would be watching with your girlfriend or wife, it’s more of the film you watch alone, or with a group of guys. It does have plenty of lame jokes, and the entire film is just one long filthy joke. And there is an audience for that, so they get what they want. I believe there is a place in the world for films like Batbabe, and will not disparage the people who would watch it. Heck, we enjoyed Seduction Cinema’s Kinky Kong, but were less impressed with their outings Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Vampire Vixens, and That 70′s Girl.

One can probably go on a long essay about turning a dark film such as The Dark Knight into a softcore comedy, with the many themes or elements borrowed, missing, or twisted. But this will not be such an essay, because that essay would probably be boring and focus too much on The Dark Knight, a film that’s been analyzed to death by internet message boards.

Batbabe/Wendy Wayne (Darian Caine) – Wendy Wayne is a stripper by day and Batbabe by night. Which probably loses her all the big bucks as the high-paying customers are at night. Crime-fighting doesn’t pay. Darian Caine is also in the reviewed Kinky Kong and Vampire Vixens.
Luscious Foxx (Smoke Williams) – Batbabe’s Lucius is her strip club manager Luscious, but he still gives her cool gadgets and sage advice.
The Jerker (Rob Mandara) – The Jerker likes to jerk. His wang. This appears to be Rob Mandara’s only role to date.
DA Henrietta Bent (Molly Heartbreaker) – Bent bends both ways and flips a coin to see who is on top! Molly Heartbreaker is easily recognizable in any sex scene due to the flames tattooed on her boobs. Had a small role in Kinky Kong, and who could forget her role in Topless Tapioca Wrestling?
Commissioner Boredom (John Paul Fedele as Clancy Fitzsimmons) – When there is a big case in Bacchum City, you can be assured Commissioner Boredom knows about it and still has no trouble going to sleep instead of doing anything!

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