Vampire Vixens (Review)

Vampire Vixens

Mia Copia (Tina Krause) as Dracoola
AJ Khan as Diane Shelton
John Fedele as Wally Van Helsing
Misty Mundae as A Lesbian
Elizabeth Hitchcock
Zack Snygg as Eugene
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema pumps out film after film each year, all with the same formula: A loosely defined plot that spoofs a popular film happens haphazardly around half a dozen or so lesbian sex scenes that average seven minutes or so. This film….follows that formula. The second entry into their filmography on our site (That 70’s Girl was the first) complete with the important details: Misty Mundae and AJ Khan. Mainly, Misty Mundae for the name draw, but AJ Khan pulls in the fans of the minor characters like myself. John Bacchus continues his streak of Seduction Cinema films with what is a follow-up to the 1998 film Vampire Seduction. Or so the intro tells us, I’ve never seen the original. Because the film has a plot so simplistic it was probably suggested by a local kindergartener, the film needs all the padding it can get, and if some of that padding is in the bras that quickly drop to the floor off of the supporting cast, so much the better. The two male characters seem to be competing for the title of Nerdiest Nerd, and both would be declared winners. It’s fun in a goofy way to watch them overact so much they travel back in time. Trust me, that comment makes sense when you’ve seen the film. The title villainess is Dracoola, who was from the previous film. She must also exist in plural form, because the movie promises “Vampire Vixens” yet Dracoola is the only Vampire. There are plenty of other vixens, so it is conceivable that one or two of them just happen to be vampires as well, but the subject is never brought up. Therefore, the movie does not deliver on it’s title promise. When I see Transformers, I see Transformers; when I see Crash, I see some crashes (both versions); when I see Robocop, I see someone who is part man, part machine, all cop. Don’t tempt me with false promises.

We begin our tale with Johnny Voiceover voice-overing an introduction sorely needed by all the poor saps like me who missed the previous film. It would seem that Dracoola, the Queen of the Underworld, ruled for thousands of years until Wally Van Helsing killed her with a garlic sandwich in 1998. Dracoola’s main interests seem to be lying around wearing nothing but a cape, and vamping as blue-screen effects fly by. Wally Van Helsing is the dorkus malorkus who became a slimy businessman when the “Van Helsing curse” was lifted upon Dracoola’s death. In my book that’s a lateral movement, but not here. Some of the dot’s on Wally’s shirt are blue, a problem with the blue-screen effects means that Wally looks like he was just a victim of a drive-by. Don’t hang with the Crips, G.

Now, Nerd #2 enters the movie. He is named Eugene, and outnerds Wally by spades. Giganto glasses and perpetual winter gear combined with actor Zack Snygg’s behemoth body make for one goofy hombre. Eugene’s hobbies are the dark arts and getting lectures from his mom about poopy drawers. How much Eugene studies the dark arts is not really gotten into much, but he somehow figures out where Dracoola is buried, which is in a book! Did Wally publish his memoirs at some point? Eugene’s mom keeps hassling him about when he’ll get a girlfriend and if he’s gay. Eugene lumbers outside and digs up some ashes, which must be the deceased Dracoola, or the leftovers of a recent BBQ. Enough of Eugene’s Livejournal adventures, we jump to Wally Van Helsing now. The Wallster is a high-powered executive of Big Big Business, Inc.. We meet him solving problems for various people by phone: a drug cartel gets advice on shipping their product (coffee grinds), a Mayor gets advice about legalizing drugs and getting rid of Batman to reduce crime, and a professor is given advice on a cancer cure. Just then, Wally’s two sycophantic junior execs come in to suck up, named Rick and Prick (“Brick, sir!”) After then, the company president shows up, and tells the old chestnut “Why do women fake orgasms?” “Because they think we care!” instantly endearing him to our hearts. I mean instantly endangering his heart of being ripped from it’s cage and fed to wolves for telling not only one of the lamest jokes in history, but for furthering the “Misogynistic Executive” stereotype. Because people who watch Misty Mundae films are concerned about such stereotypes harming them in the real world, I voice my opinions. Wally is to be made CEO by the President.

Eugene gets ready to reanimate Dracoola from being a pile ashes, for reasons the movie doesn’t bother to explain and we don’t really care about, as it’s been a few minutes without some naked chicks, so we’re getting restless. Eugene mumbles out the incantation, which causes Dracoola to rematerialize. She’s still in the buff, but her head is now covered with Eugene’s poopy drawers! Wah-wah-wah-waaahhhh. Back at BBBI, Wally is giving his first presentation as CEO, and suddenly reverts back into nerd mode, demanding pockets on everything, including socks and underwear. Not surprisingly, Dracoola commands that Eugene kill Wally. This allows Dracoola to do virtually nothing the entire film except sit there. Eugene doesn’t head straight there, he wanders through his neighbor’s backyard, and pulls out his binoculars, which somehow allow him to see all the way inside the house, showing the female occupants. Instead of using the binoculars that allow good clear viewing by magic, he goes up to the foggy, dirty window to spy on naive virgin Sandy, who’s never even been kissed, given advice and suggestions by Misty Mundae. These suggestions include kissing each other, getting each other out of their clothes, and going to town like their muffs were made of billion dollar bills. We get 8 full minutes of lesbian pseudosex, though like most of their other films, the sex scenes go on long enough to get repetitive and boring. None go on as long as the 10 minute scene in That 70’s Girl, but are almost as bad. Mundae’s entire role in this film is to be peeped on by Eugene in this and one other scene. Thanks to the magic of the scroll bar, I was able to jump ahead a bit to the end of the scene.

Wally is now begging in the street. He’s soon stepped on by Eugene, who has headed to the big building to go kill an executive. Or so we think, until we remember no one bothered to tell Eugene any details about his mission except “Kill Wally Van Helsing.” Luckily, Eugene is good at figuring things out that he shouldn’t, due to the nerd powers of “reading the script.” Eugene yells at Wally a bit, then starts doing some odd dance/thrusting that made me throw up a little in my mouth. This causes Wally to hallucinate some sort of sequence where Eugene is dressed up like he’s in a German Independent Film, except still with the Coke-bottle lenses. Nothing ever happens with this, so I’ll speculate there was a different ending at some point, yet the digital recorder became full thanks to excitement during one of the lesbian scenes. After Eugene wanders off, Wally’s Fairy Godmother appears to give him a warning. His Fairy Godmother is a guy in drag, who warns him about Dracoola’s return.

Eugene is in the BBBI building, and first thing is verbally challenged by a furry blue Muppet in a train conductor’s hat. The Muppet demands that Eugene leave, but Wally knocks him out with a blow to the head. Not the head of the puppeteer, but the Muppet. Because the Muppet is a real thing. Uh huh. Well, I can’t complain, this is exactly the type of silly crap I’d put in the movie. Eugene then wanders into one of the selling points of Seduction Cinema, including what sold me, KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Yes, AJ Khan is back! Except, now she has nipple rings? Blech! Way to ruin some lesbian sex, what with the rings and stuff. At least it isn’t a total loss, you get a good view of some other territory, if you catch my drift. AJ is interviewing for positions at her office, which involves the girls doing each other in different positions, yada yada yada, this one is 7 minutes long. Eugene has now seen two lesbian encounters in one day, almost as many as I see on a normal day. Eugene goes loco in the streets for a bit, as Wally tries to sneak up on him and attack. Eugene ends up getting home, where Dracoola instantly beats him up until he leaves to go kill Wally again. Wally sneaks inside the nanosecond Eugene leaves. Eugene again goes to visit the lesbians instead of looking for Wally, and we get another 6 minutes of Lesbian #1 in the shower while Misty Mundae masturbates on the bed.

Wally tries to sneak up on Dracoola and stake her, but a mistimed breaking of wind gives him away. He runs, and she flies after him, using blue-screen effects. Enough of that, a title card tells us what we all know, it’s time for “Another Gratuitous Sex Scene!” Since it’s a scene with KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! I’m all for it. This one is interviewee number 2, who is underqualified for the job, but overqualified for the carpet munching. Who will get the job? Tune in to the third interview sex scene, later in the film. Until then, enjoy the 6 minutes of this one, if you weren’t turned off by the dialogue about peeing, no toliet paper, and tampons (I know some of you are in to that! Yes, I’m talking to YOU!)

Eugene is still peeping in the house, even though that sex scene ended a whole sex scene ago. Wally and Dracoola race by, and she’s still being blue-screened in flight. After running back and forth a bit, Wally knocks down Eugene’s ladder, alerting him to their presence. Wally and Eugene have a shootout, involving two tiny guns Eugene has (Wally grabbed one.) I’m not sure what they were using for blanks, but Eugene’s gun briefly catches on fire during the shootout! Try less gasoline next time. Eugene gets shot, and that’s the end of him. Yep. One well placed bullet, and scratch one nerd. Dracoola says she will drink Wally’s blood, but instead he talks her into eating another sandwich. Now, considering in the last film, she was killed by a sandwich, why would she take this one? Wally assures here there is no garlic, so of course she must take it. Yeah. Yep. Now I’m not sure if I want a drawn out lesbian sex scene that’s boring enough I break open Fast Food Nation or the ridiculous real plot. So Dracoola takes a bite of the sandwich, and starts to die, because Wally filled it with….get this…..STEAK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahHAHAH!!!!!! Please kill me.

Wally is now a cool executive again, and heads back to work. While there, he talks to the security Muppet, who we find out is named Bippo. Also, Wally takes over Eugene’s job of peeping on lesbians, and watches as KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! reinterviews the two girls, demanding they work for their job. So the sexing begins. And goes on, and on, and on, and on, AND ON! 8 more minutes, and no resolution, as they must interview again tomorrow! Dang it, I hope they make another sequel, to tie up the lose end of who got the job! Plus, we need more of AJ camping such lines as “I’ll just make some notes here” while the girls are sexing each other up.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Well, what do you expect from the people who brought us Lord of the G-Strings, Spider-Babe, and Play-mate of the Apes? This isn’t even one of their good films. Play-mate of the Apes is lying around somewhere, hopefully I can get to it soon, and see what makes those apes so playful. I predict there will be some lesbian sex involved somewhere. The good thing about Seduction Cinema is that the actors and actresses all look like they are having a good time, especially with the ridiculous plot parts. It’s a much better change from the silicone-infested wasteland of cardboard cutout quality actresses who usually populate late night Cinemax. That’s some of the charm of the films from this company, and what elevates Vampire Vixens from the rest of the muck. It’s still muck, though.

This film also has no relation to Vampire Vixens from Venus, which has some of the worse CGI I’ve ever seen in a film.

Rated 1/10 (X Marks the Spot)

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