Bad Girls Doing Bad Things (Review)

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things

Written by Anora Leachim
Directed by Francis Locke

Sarah’s Living Room Bookstore was soon crushed by the Barnes & Nobles opening in her bathroom…

It’s time for yet another Torchlight Pictures/Francis Locke softcore production with a ridiculous plot and overly-long sex scenes! Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is about girls that are “good” girls attempting to dirty up their image to impress some random guy. Thanks to this instructional video, we now know what “bad” girls are – girls who watch people have sex in the club. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. So let’s get the other half going as we dive right in to Bad Girls Doing Bad Things!

If we were any badder, Michael Jackson would have sung a song about us!

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is among the most fun of the Torchlight Pictures catalogue, largely due to the character of Keith ragging on the good girls for being so boring, and their lame attempts to be cool. It still has the Torchlight Pictures characteristics of overly-long sex scenes, minimal plot, and scenes shot in abandoned buildings or the director’s living room. Oddly enough, I didn’t spot a hotel room in the mix, unless the hallways that look like a parking garage were actually a hotel parking garage.

Besides being produced and directed by Francis Locke, Blade Simpson continues to provide music while the “written by” credits an “Anora Leachim” (obviously a real name and not someone’s name backwards!)

I’ll go ENTER in the EXIT door! It’s totally a bad girl thing to do!

Karen (August Arroya) – A good girl in a good world, but her world is shattered when Keith makes fun of her for being a dork! Can you believe it? So she decides to totally go bad, because that’s what happens in real life.
Keith Oswald (Remy)- He’s the bad guy who has come to teach these good girls how to be bad girls doing bad things. That way they can fit in with the title of the movie!
Janine (Serrano Rios) – A worker at Karen’s bookstore who is also a good girl despite evidence to the contrary. But because she’s so anal she drives men away, until she learns to be bad, which means having sex with Keith.
Rex (Scott Alexander) – The other guy in club whom you might know from Dirty Blondes. He’s just as good of an actor here as in Dirty Blondes, but at least they’re using him in a more useful way.
Scarlet (Teanna Kai) – Another Dirty Blondes alumnus, she is a bad girl. Like all bad girls, she loves the Power Glove because it is so bad. And also having sex in public.
Dawn (Jana Cova) – She’s just a random club member of Dungeon who has lesbian sex with Scarlet. Totally not a Dirty Blonde on vacation…
I object, this isn’t a bad thing at all!

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Dirty Blondes 2

Dirty Blondes 2

Directed by Francis Locke

Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…

Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.

Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:

The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!

Tina (Nicole Oring) –Tina is an archeology student who is very lucky at finding amazing discoveries lying in plain sight. Can she find something amazing by the end of the film, in between her constant getting naked? Find out! Nicole Oring is a model and softcore star (including Pretty Prisoners of Chloro Conspiracies and Bare-Skinned New Girls’ Scary Bondage Surprise!), but also was in Single White Female 2: The Psycho!
Professor Rich (Ben Campezi) – Professor running the new dig for the ancient dong. He has the diary from the first film, which you would think would be in a museum or something. Someone call Indiana Jones to punch this guy until it hits a museum! is an adult film star who usually works in male on male cinema, he’s handled more hogs than a pig farmer in such films as Musclemen Moving Company Inc, Oiled Up Hunks, and Straight Jocks Confess
Lisa (Xara Diaz) – Lisa is one of Professor Rish’s students, and instead of digging she just wears the artifacts! Except for when Rich takes them off to have sex with her. Xara Diaz is an adult actress who has handled more packages than UPS in such fine films as We Were Tied Up and She Was Naked!, Sexz Latinas, and Finger Licking Good.
Guy at Basecamp A (Dino Bravo) – This guy doesn’t even get a name, and he spends most of his time staring at Tina, except for when he’s having sex with Tina. Dino Bravo is an adult star (who ganked his name from a wrestler!) that’s given more rides than one of the coin operated kiddie machines outside a grocery store in such films as Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story, Boning Bonita Chicas, and Not Married with Children XXX
La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la

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Dirty Blondes (Review)

Dirty Blondes

Written and directed by Francis Locke

The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”

From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.

Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.

Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.

Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.

Phillip (???) – Leader of Team Mojave and a noted archeologist. You’ve probably heard of him. The famous Phillip. Employs his sister and women he has sex with. No conflict of interest here.
Jenny (Allysin Chaynes) – Team Mojave member of the archeology crew, spends most of the film either without pants or without a shirt. She’s only without both during the sex scenes, which she’s also in a lot of. Allysin Chaynes is an adult film actress who has been hammered more than a blacksmith’s hammer in such fine films as Double Penetration Virgins 8: DP Commandos, Look What I Found in the Street 5: Bus Stop Edition, and Long Dong Black Kong 1.
Rex (Frank Fortuna) – Member of Team Mojave who spends most of the film having sex with his female teammate Jenny. Frank Fortuna is an adult film star who has gone deep into more trenches than James Cameron in such films as Unbelievably Blond; Panties, She Wrote; and Cream Filling 2: Refill
April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the two Dirty Blondes and a lesbiarcheologist. She is part of Team Bora Bora and Phillip’s sister. The famous Phillip that you’ve heard of. Holly Hollywood is an adult film actress who also has appeared in a score of softcore adventures such as The Erotic Mis-Adventures of the Invisible Man and The Model Solution.
Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde and the second lesbiarcheologist. Team Bora Bora. Has an accent. Jana Cova has had her curtains parted more times than the Fox Theater in such adult films such as Who Let the Cats Out, Lesbian Truth or Dare 1, and They Tied Me Topless.
Laka (Teanna Kai) – A native girl at Bora Bora who is friends with the Dirty Blondes. Like all Bora Borans, she runs around topless, has had a boob job, and has sex with random surfer dudes. Teanna Kai is an adult film performer who has been packed more than the Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night in such films as Lettin’ Her Fingers Do The Walking, Rub The Muff 7, and Private Sports 3: Desert Foxxx.
Joe Torrence (???) – Surfer Joe Torrence is all about the perfect wave and looking for his dead father’s body. Dr. Torrence is his father and the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai is Joe’s uncle.

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Community Swingers (Review)

Community Swingers

Directed by Jeff Bay

Community Swingers is a softcore flick from Torchlight Entertainment, and it is from the large large group of pictures Torchlight dumped onto the world the last half of the aughts. If you have seen any of these films, you will note that they are light in plot and heavy in long long sex sequences. Oddly enough, Community Swingers differs from a lot of them, as it is not directed by Francis Locke (instead, Jeff Bay is credited, and let’s pretend he’s Michael Bay’s brother because, why not?) and there are not many scenes shot either in the desert or at the local hotel near the desert. But it retains many of the hallmark signatures that have come to define Torchlight films, including the ever-present music of Blade Simpson. He’s better than Sword Family Guy, but not as good as Katana SouthPark.

Community Swingers is not a good film. It is barely a film. The sex scenes are long. And I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! They go on forever! Stringing the sex scenes together are a few bits of actual plot, most of which is in scenes that last only a few minutes (or less than one minute in one example.) The plot itself is very simple and is resolved by someone just answering a question. So very simple. As the script was probably one page single-spaced in Word, all the sex scene padding was needed to hit the running time. The actresses in the film aren’t bad looking, the extra characters also don’t look terrible. The sets must have had a budget of less than $1000, and there are technical problems like the ever-present boom mike. The boom mike has more scenes than most of the actors. There is little information about the film online, no real cast list, and no real release date. The 2006 date is a guess based on the DVD release, but there is a 2003 copyright claim in the credits. Looks like we’ll have to call in the Scooby Gang to solve this mystery!

I’m sure some of you are used to softcore films that have plots, actual actors, and charming qualities, but forget all you know or think you know. This is the world of Community Swingers! Not everything is bad, Nina Dolci’s acting is amusing and completely inconsistent (a good director could probably get a great performance out of her) and some of the sex sequences pull of their jobs of being erotic or hot, even if they get bogged down by the length. Though I can’t in good conscience give this high marks, I wouldn’t hold back people from watching it, I would just inform them as the what they would encounter when watching, which might even let them enjoy the film more if they don’t expect it to be something that it isn’t. As for the film, let’s get started swinging around the community!

Elaina (Mindy Vega) – Elaina enjoys the simple things. Nice clothes, condo lounging, reading Playboy, wearing bikini tops, having lesbian sex with any girl that moves, theorizing about the neighbor, and being converted from her homosexuality via dating someone rich. Mindy Vega runs her own webcam site, so Google her name if you want to see some stuff.
Jackie (Nina Dolci) – Jackie is Elaina’s best friend and occasional lover. Jackie also pounces on the men, especially male strippers, her dream date. Jackie also doesn’t put up with nonsense and likes to get to the bottom of things, but always believes in the worst of people she doesn’t like. In a dark alleyway, you would want Jackie in your corner against any and all that would stand against you.
Lance Taylor (Frank Anthony) – An artist who makes art by making a lot of noise.
Boom Mike (a boom mike) – The boomiest mike of them all becomes a major star in Community Swingers, as he stalks and lies in wait to pounce on the two female leads, ready to attack when the least suspect it! Look out, ladies!

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Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (Review)

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Misty Mundae (Erin Brown) as Oook
Tina Krause (Mia Copia) as Eegads
Ruby Larocca as Eeek and Dr. Ruby
Cherry Moonshine (Zoe Moonshine) as Captain Moonshine
Lilly Tiger as Una
Directed by William Hellfire
Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet
Seduction Cinema is at it again, putting out another cheesefest under the guess of a parody/sex film. Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is exceptional in one respect, it’s exceptionally awful, agonizing, excruciating pain. Despite its short running time of 53 minutes, this joins the many many many other Seduction Cinema films that have scripts around three pages long, and just throw in lengthy lesbian sex scenes to fill the rest of the gap. Vampire Vixens and That 70’s Girl both had a minimum of plot and a maximum of lengthy sex scenes that became uninteresting. BGODP (as we’ll call it from now on) does manage to not have sex scenes run longer for more than six minutes, so that is the only advantage it has over its contemporaries. This advantage is ruined by the many long scenes and toilet humor. The toilet humor involving farting, crapping, and burping dinosaurs, as well as cave girls throwing other cave girls into giant puddles of crap, are an insult to toilet humor. One can only imagine the Toilet Duck of commercials past is mobilizing an army of duck weapons to take down this threat to toilets everywhere. Unfortunately, Toilet Duck seems to have been replaced by a CGI monstrosity! Jerks!

The basic plot is prehistoric lesbians do some lesbian things, while watched by space lesbians. Also, some dinosaurs engage in bodily functions. As per Seduction Cinema standard on TarsTarkas.NET, I shall be documenting the length of the sex scenes, because most of them aren’t interesting enough to pay attention to besides that.

Now, I am not knocking the acting talents of the four ladies who play cavewomen, but as none of them speak anything besides repeating “Oook” and “caca” over and over, there isn’t much dialogue in the film. To make up for that, the writers concocted that the lesbian cavewomen were being observed by lesbian scientists, probably from the lesbian galaxy. This means that Captain Ruby narrates for 90% of the film that sex or cavegirl “oook”ing isn’t going on. Thus Captain Ruby has long speeches that are supposed to be humorous in a campy way, but just end up being humorous in a WTF? way. Some of those gems will be pointed out when we get to them. She also manages to give some of her speeches while she’s supposed to be being eaten out by her pilot, Captain Moonshine. Uhhhh…there’s a nasty joke here, but I won’t be venturing into that territory!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Instead, let’s just venture into the film at large! First, the cast, which was difficult to piece together, as IMDB is wrong again, and several actresses are going by different names. The whole thing is a mess, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I got something wrong as well.

Oook (Misty Mundae) – Seduction Cinema mainstay Misty Mundae is around again, utilized in stock shots filmed years ago and scraped together into a “film”. As Misty Mundae and gone on to act under her real name Erin Brown in more mainstream horror, she won’t be in any of the newer Seduction Cinema films. Thus we will be forced to watch every frame of film she was recorded on be re-edited into new films, probably for decades to come. Oook does nothing in the film except pick nits and have lesbian sex.
Eegads (Mia Copia) – As Mia Copia quit softcore films around 2000, that should tell you how long this 2005 movie stayed on the shelf. Or maybe that’s how long it took to do the special effects! The Queen of the prehistoric lesbian cavegirls. Is not fond of males or male-like thinking.
Una (Lily Tiger) – Una is a cavegirl lesbian who gets excited when other prehistoric lesbians eat fruit. Attempts to rape Eeek after a crazed fruit-high that makes her think like a man.
Eeek (Ruby Larocca) – Eek the Cat? No, Eeek the Prehistoric Lesbian! Oddly enough, Captain Ruby fails to comment on why prehistoric lesbian Eeek looks so much like her… Proving that even in prehistoric times, one could get magenta hair dye, nose rings, and racing stripe bikini waxings.
Captain Moonshine (Zoe Moonshine aka Cherry Moonstone) – Captain Moonshine is the lead researcher studying prehistoric lesbians. Science has never had so many lesbian orgies since the famouse Darwin Orgies of 1884. For some reason is a big fan of rape.
Dr. Ruby (Ruby Larocca) – Same actress as Eeek, but don’t let that fool you, as these scenes were filmed years later. She’s also called the captain of the ship, so the whole naming scheme comes to a crashing mess. Enjoys munching on beef curtains.

The credits will get a mention, with names flying by for the actresses, then suddenly the credit speed increases threefold with the rest of the crew. Since they seemed to be desperate to pad this thing, why did they sprint through the last half of the credits? Makes no sense! Gah! This whole film just doesn’t work!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

The film begins in an episode of Babylon 5. Seriously. The Babylon 5 jumpgate activates, and a space vessel flies out. I guess Babylon 5 has stopped worrying about Shadow Wars and Chekov because now all they do is look for lesbians to study. A voiceover gives the orders to the ship to seek out and record some primitive lesbian communities. I want to apply for this research grant. Anyway, we cut inside the vessel, where Dr. Moonshine explains to us that prehistoric lesbians could become violently chaotic if threatened. That’s good to know, don’t threaten prehistoric lesbians. Both her and ship officer Captain Ruby hope to witness acts of debauchery, as does the audience, I gather. Dr. Moonshine tells us much of this while speaking directly to the audience, reminding one of YouTube and Vlogging. Vlogging being the dumbest word ever invented, but besides that point, I will characterize all of Captain Moonshine’s communiqués with the audiences as Lonelygirl13 + Lesbians = Lesbiangirl13. I’d subscribe! Wait, no I wouldn’t…
bikini girls dinosaur planet
As the CGI planet shows, this Dinosaur Planet has the same continent configuration as Earth, which means it is either: Not prehistoric, Not Dinosaur Planet, or Not produced by a company that cares for accuracy like that. After some connections issues (they are using the tiniest TV in the world) we go down to the surface, where some CGI dinosaurs go by. To say they are historically accurate would mean I would have to lie. TarsTarkas.NET has a policy of brutal honesty, so we’ll just say these dinosaurs look worse than the old Playskool Definitely Dinosaurs line.

Down on the planet, there is a magenta-haired cavewoman named Eeek who looks mysteriously like Dr. Ruby… Eeek is accosted by some random cavedude with trim blonde hair and a penchant for making wacky faces, and Eeek smashes his face with his own spear. This produces QUITE a lot of blood on the unconscious male aggressor. The lesbian cavedweller Misty Mundae (Oook) and Lily Tiger (Una) are picking nits off each other, when Eeek wanders by. “A lesbian cavedweller will never refuse a fellow lesbian in need” we are told by Dr. Ruby, and of course what this needy lesbian cavedweller needed was sex with two other girls. Lesbian Cavedwellers: Always helping others. So the first sex scene begins, where the two girls go to town on newcomer Eeek. Full frontal for both Eeek and Misty, while Una is given the shaft. After four minutes of action, Cavegirl Number 4 comes along, she is the queen, Eegads. Eegads comes equipped with a cave dildo that she shoves into Eeek. Or so it seems, as this attempt to simulate penetration is laughable at best. Two more minutes of this add up to six whole minutes of sex scene. Captain Ruby and Dr. Moonshine are enthralled, and stare intently. The cavegirls finish up and go back to doing what lesbian cavegirls do when not munching carpet: picking fruit.

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Luckily for them, someone left some kiwi fruit just lying around the forest, and they start eating. “Fruit – nature’s aphrodisiac!” – Captain Moonshine. Dr. Moonshine then goes on a long speech about the importance of foreplay. The lesbian cavegirls eat more and more fruit, becoming more and more horny, as fruit is known to do. While Captain Ruby plays with her dirty pillows, Una sees Eeek eating a kiwi, and becomes stimulated by the fruit eating action. Dr. Moonshine tells us Una’s mind becomes like a man’s mind, and Una moves in for some sex. Some violently aggressive sex, and Una wants to take it by any means necessary. “I think that is wonderful!” says Captain Moonshine. Hold the phone, is Dr. Moonshine advocating lesbian rape? Lesbian rape due to warping Malcolm X quotes? What in the world of Dinosaur Planet is going on here?

Dr. Moonshine is also getting her muff dived by Dr. Ruby, so maybe she’s not quite in her right mind. We jump back and forth between the attempted sex on the planet and the spaceship sex on the spaceship, three minutes each, adding up to six minutes. The Queen cavegirl Eegads throws Una off Eeek, and the two fight. The fight is intercut with a triceratops farting. Yeah. Queen Eegads then goes up to Eeek and then they have sex. Sex that is interrupted by farting dinosaurs. Seriously. A sentence I thought I’d never write, but there it is. Farting, crapping dinosaurs. Dino-diarrhea. Four minutes of sex topped off with dinosaur defecation. Bleh.

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Captain Moonshine is obsessed with rape. “Too bad, I was hoping that she would take into consideration that this girl could be sexually repressed and allow her to gain fulfillment by completely disregarding her actions.” That is the quote of the century, right there.

Eeek needs to go take a crap as well. Please, movie, don’t show her pooping as well! Please, movie, I beg you! BEGGGGGG!!! Thankfully, Eeek runs behind a tree, but not before putting her bikini bottoms on the middle of the forest floor near a big puddle of mud. Queen Eegads and the rest of the Bikini Girls finds the bottoms and assume that Eeek has fallen into the pit, and they get sticks to try and get her out. Eeek returns and laughs at them, because the mud is really crap, and keeps saying “caca”. I’ve seen YouTube videos better than this. Why have I mentioned YouTube twice in this review? Damn YouTube!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

“As disgusting as this display of events may seem, it certainly serves a valid purpose” says Captain Moonshine. Yeah, it pads the film!!! Dr. Moonshine continues by telling us that Eeek thinks she can get away with anything, so the group will retaliate, making an example of her to other mad lesbians. I guess mad lesbians are a common problem on Dinosaur Planet. The lesbians will play a trick on her, then they will all have a big sex-o-thon. The cavegirls throw Eeek into the caca!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Facefirst and naked, Eeek lands with a splat. She stops moving for a bit, then gets up. Back in the spaceship, Captain Ruby and Dr. Moonshine have stopped paying attention to the action and are just getting it on, Buster and Babs style. Hey, Captain Ruby is pierced! Three minutes of spaceship sex, while down below they take Eeek to get washed off, which quickly turns into a lesbian foursome. Maybe even moresome, as the ending has footage which I am told is from Erotic Survivor, a film I haven’t seen and have no desire to. But at least the mud in that film is probably mud, and not dinosaur crap. Between the sex below and pooping back in on the spaceship, we add five more minutes to the running time before the credits roll, and then the film keeps going and going with the stock shots.

Conclusions by Captain Moonshine: “It was far more fulfilling to be a lesbian cavedweller 2000 years before Christ than a human consumer in the present.” Where to start with that statement? How about I respond by just ending the review! Take that, Dr. Ruby, Doctor of Internet Degrees!

Fun fact: fossilized dinosaur poop is known as coprolite. Fun fact: so is this movie.

Rated 1/10 (A pool of steaming crap)

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Vampire Vixens (Review)

Vampire Vixens

Mia Copia (Tina Krause) as Dracoola
AJ Khan as Diane Shelton
John Fedele as Wally Van Helsing
Misty Mundae as A Lesbian
Elizabeth Hitchcock
Zack Snygg as Eugene
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema pumps out film after film each year, all with the same formula: A loosely defined plot that spoofs a popular film happens haphazardly around half a dozen or so lesbian sex scenes that average seven minutes or so. This film….follows that formula. The second entry into their filmography on our site (That 70’s Girl was the first) complete with the important details: Misty Mundae and AJ Khan. Mainly, Misty Mundae for the name draw, but AJ Khan pulls in the fans of the minor characters like myself. John Bacchus continues his streak of Seduction Cinema films with what is a follow-up to the 1998 film Vampire Seduction. Or so the intro tells us, I’ve never seen the original. Because the film has a plot so simplistic it was probably suggested by a local kindergartener, the film needs all the padding it can get, and if some of that padding is in the bras that quickly drop to the floor off of the supporting cast, so much the better. The two male characters seem to be competing for the title of Nerdiest Nerd, and both would be declared winners. It’s fun in a goofy way to watch them overact so much they travel back in time. Trust me, that comment makes sense when you’ve seen the film. The title villainess is Dracoola, who was from the previous film. She must also exist in plural form, because the movie promises “Vampire Vixens” yet Dracoola is the only Vampire. There are plenty of other vixens, so it is conceivable that one or two of them just happen to be vampires as well, but the subject is never brought up. Therefore, the movie does not deliver on it’s title promise. When I see Transformers, I see Transformers; when I see Crash, I see some crashes (both versions); when I see Robocop, I see someone who is part man, part machine, all cop. Don’t tempt me with false promises.

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