Sex and the Central (Review)

Sex and the Central

2003HKMDB Link
Directed by Dick Lau Tin-Sze (credited as Angel Lau)

A Hong Kong take on Sex in the City, except entirely in Cantonese with no subtitles, except Chinese subtitles with the only English being the characters’ names (and they couldn’t even get that right!) Not that you need subtitles in this film, basically the girls try to make their way to the top by bumping uglies with any male boss that comes along. This all gets thrown on its ears when the bosses are tossed out and a new unseducable boss comes along. Beasts are made with two backs, fluids are swapped, and babies pop out and look at you. And that’s just the redeeming qualities. We don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles on TarsTarkas.NET, so let’s have at it!

Gobby (Gobby Wong Ga-Ying) – A virgin, who due to her virginitude dresses awkward and non-sexy. Because that is how it works. Is named May in the incorrect Chinese subtitles. By the end of the film she is no longer a virgin AND a snazzy dresser!
Sophie (Sophie Ngan Chin-Man) – Sophie is the leader of the hip group of office girls who use their bodies to get promotions and get into pillowfights at her place. Sophie Ngan Chin-Man has been in such fine films as Naked Poison, Beauty and the Breast, and Quest of the Sex: Rumble in the Women’s Empire. Whoever hired her for this one didn’t want to pay the extra money to get her to take off her bottom, so we got sex scenes where she’s clearly wearing underwear thanks to shoddy camera work.
Carman (Carmen Yeung Ga-Man) –Girl #2 from the group, tries to be the high class one who is also into spankings and dressing as a schoolgirl. Not paid enough to get naked. Incorrectly called Gobby in the Chinese subtitles, but we will ignore the subtitles because they are wrong.
Dao (Dao Hwang) – Girl #3 of the group In fact, only one girl was paid enough to strip off all her clothes, going all full-frontal on you! Actually, on Simon, but whatever. They manage to call her Carman in the incorrect Chinese subtitles, which leads to much confusion.
Simon (Eddie Lam Kim-Fung) – The new boss who comes to shape up the company because the previous bosses were too busy getting it on to get any work done. Simon seems immune to the advances of our Sex and the Central crew, but can Gobby seduce where so many girls have failed? Eddie Lam Kim-Fung has been in scores of Category III films, he is gunning to be the next Elvis Tsui Kam Kong!

The opening street scenes filled with people wearing masks either betraying terrible air quality, or showing the movie was filmed during the SARS epidemic, both of which are totally erotic. Yeah, baby, I got some SARS up in here! Our heroine Gobby is heading to her job in this environment, obviously seduced by the sexy masks and ready to get her freak on. Or not.

At work, an Office Boss played by Patrick Keung Hiu-Man is bribed by a coworker with some food, but the important coworkers are the three women who walk in lead by Sophie Ngan. They look important, have expensive purses, and do the walk. You know the one. Sophie, Carman, and Dao are the Whore-oric Trio. They work in same cubical area as Gobby, because we wouldn’t have a movie otherwise. We also get a SARS-related joke with two other bosses played by Charlie Cho Cha-Lee and James Chu Wai-Tat. SARS is sexy and funny, like a clown in lingerie.

The bosses pick the three girls for new assignment: Sophie, Carman, Dao. That night, the three hang at Sophie’s pad in their underwear while gossiping. Eventually a tickle fight breaks out. Realism is at 100% in Sex and the Central. The next morning, Gobby is fighting the copier and joined by Sophie and then the other two. The Sex Girls show off who to flirt with the boss Charlie Cho Cha-Lee, but Gobby manages to blow it.

James Chu Wai-Tat and Carman get it on, Gobby sees through window (but we see nothing nudity wise.) Gobby is upset and flees. Carman is negotiating a raise with her vagina. Meanwhile, Sophie and Manager Charlie Cho Cha-Lee are playing strip blackjack, Sophie getting more perks and promotions as they go. Gobby is working late at night (in the dark??) and sees them. Whatever Charlie Cho Cha-Lee is doing to Sophie’s chest, I hope he is limited to just doing that by the contract and this is not how he tries to satisfy a woman with as foreplay. Sophie negotiates a manager job for herself during the sweaty sex.

Gobby is walking to work the next morning still upset, but Sophie drives by and gives her a ride and they chat. Dao is banging Patrick Keung Hiu-Man in his convertible. Gobby and Sohpie pull into garage where the sex is happening, and Sophie points it out.

The three male bosses trade sex tales, what is interesting here is one of the the bosses is smoking, something that probably wouldn’t be allowed in America anymore since idiotic parents groups have declared smoking worse than mass rape-murder in films.

The three girls realize they need to stick together and coordinate their boss-boning plan and Gobby helps them cooperate. Some of the non-sex-having coworkers are looking to weasle their way into getting promotions based on merit and hard work, so that must be quashed! Gobby defends the girls from some of the bitter coworkers and scores points to join the Pussy Posse. Gobby says something really nasty, judging from the “No you didn’t!” gasps and other shocked looks on the faces of people watching.

So now May is invited to the lingerie sleepover! The girls tell how they lost their virginities. Sophie tells a story about being in a tent with some guy and the sex they had. She looks less than pleased while doing the deed, to the point of I’m wondering why she’s telling this story as she is near crying. One of Sophie Ngan’s sex moves is to keep adjusting her gum or something with her teeth during the deed. Carman’s story is that she’s a schoolgirl and Choi Tat-Wa is a school counselor looking to add another notch to his bedpost. He starts to spank her for being lippy, and soon moves to ram-rodding her doggy style. Carman is still showing no nudity and is also looking upset. Then we move to Dao, who is naked and enjoying her sex. Finally, someone who is not being molested for their first time. She’s getting it on with Mr. Right Then in the women’s bathroom. A janitor lady enters…but they finish and that’s it.

The three try to get Gobby to dress better, but she just ends up coming to work in the same conservative clothes the next day. The bosses then go by, and ignore the three girls they are boffing. Something is up, and the girls must figure out what.
May finds a letter saying they are getting a new boss – Simon. Simon walks in and soon the whole office is introduced. He manages to humiliate all the old bosses,m firing two and sending the third to clean up the bathrooms full time. Simon also cancels the perks the ladies were picking up, and puts in a dress code that nixes all their sexy clothes. Everyone is panicked and shocked. Girls plan to fight back –

Round 1 – Sophie’s strip poker turns out to go bust.
Round 2 – Carman’s schoolgirl spank routine gets expelled.
Round 3 – Dao ambushes Simon in the parking garage with her shirt up, but is forced to cover up.

New Game – Gobby is sent in half undressed to go after Simon, who seems to finally have a weak spot. But she’s rejected and Game Over!

So she resigns, I guess. Then outside some bald guy starts pushing Gobby around, and Simon steps in and tells him off. Simon walks her home, which is just a bed in a room. This leads to the sex, as they are both virgins. strategically placed hands prevent seeing any of Gobby’s goodies. The next day, the sex has suddenly made her dress better. Somebody alert the Clinton and Stacy of What Not To Wear!

There is a four girl pajama party again. They have invited Simon over, but the other girls hide except Gobby, and he and her get it on. Then other girls ambush him! It is sex for all! This foursome gives us various states of nudity on the different actresses ranging from all to none. After the lengthy highlight of the film, we end with the four girls in walking in city, shopping. They jump in the air and end on a freeze frame. Wha?

This film was mostly garbage. It would have been all garbage, but it had nudity. Hooray for nudity, boo for everything else. Why do so many boring sex films originate from Hong Kong? For every cool softcore film from there I find, I have to sit through at least three dull entries. And this is dull with a capital DULL!!!!

Rated 3/10 (Strip Promotion, dirty boss, dirty boss)

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