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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Model Solution (Review)

September 8, 2011By

The Model Solution


2002
Directed by Edward Holzman

The Model Solution is about the tough as nails business of running a modeling agency and having sex and doing girls and making love. But mostly having sex and doing girls and making love. It’s from the Indigo Entertainment family of films, which were noted for bigger budgets, higher quality, better scripts than the average softcore productions coming out as the millennium changed. The Model Solution is no different, an entertaining film even if you ignore the sex scenes, largely due to the likeability of Sebastien Guy, who makes everything watchable. One of the amazing things is how many of the actors are going by different names than they are usually credited by. It’s like everyone drew an alias out of a hat and used that. Besides the main cast aliases, Kimber Lynn is Kimberlee Castaic, Katie Lohmann is Katie Lohman, April Flowers is Diana Espen, Sasha Peralto is Sasha Rochelle, GiGi Erneta is Gigi Erneta, and Kimberly Fisher is Kimberly Kay. I’d make a flow chart, but I’m lazy.

As this stars Sebastien Guy like The Sex Substitute and The Sex Substitute Two, I consider this the unofficial third Sex Substitute film, where instead of accidentally substituting for sex therapists, the character has branched out into the world of modeling. And as Sebastien Guy left the world of softcore films to become an actual model, real life validates my theory. That is why TarsTarkas.NET is the number one website about theories of The Model Solution. And if I see any more Sebastien Guy films, I’ll just add them to the Sex Substitute canon somehow. That’s how we roll here. Girl for Girl, I will fit you in somehow!

Director Edward Holzman helmed the classic late night Cinemax flick Friend of the Family, and produced a lot of the Indigo Entertainment archive. He’s also listed as producer on Corporate Fantasy and some other Mystique Films.

Jack Spencer (Sebastien Guy as Scott Duke) – The CEO of Models, Ltd., a company that provides models (as opposed to polar bears) and our main character, who is too busy enjoying life and working hard to enjoy life and work hard. Wait, that doesn’t make sense…but it does. Hmmm…
Steve (Jason Schnuit as Dave Veleo) – friend of Jack, who gets dumped right at the beginning of the movie and has an adversarial relationship with Jack’s secretary Emma, who we all know he’ll be dating by the end of the flick
Emma (Holly Hollywood) – Jack’s secretary, and owner of a secret crush on Steve, but she works with too many beautiful women to have enough confidence to do anything about it. Holly Hollywood is also in The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man.
Rebecca Knight (Kim Yates as Kim Laurel) – The CEO of Knightware Apparel, and the big client Jack is trying to snag. She’s also a big lesbian, as that factors into the plot.
Caroline Cross (Regina Russell) – Jack’s ex-girlfriend who now runs a rival model agency, Nuance. She competes with Jack over Rebecca Knight’s business, popping up at inopportune times. Regina Russell is a softcore veteran and is also in The Mummy’s Kiss, Bikini Airways, and a cameo in Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet.

Community Swingers
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Community Swingers (Review)

September 7, 2011By

Community Swingers


2006
Directed by Jeff Bay

Community Swingers is a softcore flick from Torchlight Entertainment, and it is from the large large group of pictures Torchlight dumped onto the world the last half of the aughts. If you have seen any of these films, you will note that they are light in plot and heavy in long long sex sequences. Oddly enough, Community Swingers differs from a lot of them, as it is not directed by Francis Locke (instead, Jeff Bay is credited, and let’s pretend he’s Michael Bay’s brother because, why not?) and there are not many scenes shot either in the desert or at the local hotel near the desert. But it retains many of the hallmark signatures that have come to define Torchlight films, including the ever-present music of Blade Simpson. He’s better than Sword Family Guy, but not as good as Katana SouthPark.

Community Swingers is not a good film. It is barely a film. The sex scenes are long. And I mean LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! They go on forever! Stringing the sex scenes together are a few bits of actual plot, most of which is in scenes that last only a few minutes (or less than one minute in one example.) The plot itself is very simple and is resolved by someone just answering a question. So very simple. As the script was probably one page single-spaced in Word, all the sex scene padding was needed to hit the running time. The actresses in the film aren’t bad looking, the extra characters also don’t look terrible. The sets must have had a budget of less than $1000, and there are technical problems like the ever-present boom mike. The boom mike has more scenes than most of the actors. There is little information about the film online, no real cast list, and no real release date. The 2006 date is a guess based on the DVD release, but there is a 2003 copyright claim in the credits. Looks like we’ll have to call in the Scooby Gang to solve this mystery!

I’m sure some of you are used to softcore films that have plots, actual actors, and charming qualities, but forget all you know or think you know. This is the world of Community Swingers! Not everything is bad, Nina Dolci’s acting is amusing and completely inconsistent (a good director could probably get a great performance out of her) and some of the sex sequences pull of their jobs of being erotic or hot, even if they get bogged down by the length. Though I can’t in good conscience give this high marks, I wouldn’t hold back people from watching it, I would just inform them as the what they would encounter when watching, which might even let them enjoy the film more if they don’t expect it to be something that it isn’t. As for the film, let’s get started swinging around the community!

Elaina (Mindy Vega) – Elaina enjoys the simple things. Nice clothes, condo lounging, reading Playboy, wearing bikini tops, having lesbian sex with any girl that moves, theorizing about the neighbor, and being converted from her homosexuality via dating someone rich. Mindy Vega runs her own webcam site, so Google her name if you want to see some stuff.
Jackie (Nina Dolci) – Jackie is Elaina’s best friend and occasional lover. Jackie also pounces on the men, especially male strippers, her dream date. Jackie also doesn’t put up with nonsense and likes to get to the bottom of things, but always believes in the worst of people she doesn’t like. In a dark alleyway, you would want Jackie in your corner against any and all that would stand against you.
Lance Taylor (Frank Anthony) – An artist who makes art by making a lot of noise.
Boom Mike (a boom mike) – The boomiest mike of them all becomes a major star in Community Swingers, as he stalks and lies in wait to pounce on the two female leads, ready to attack when the least suspect it! Look out, ladies!

Batbabe
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie (Review)

June 26, 2011By

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie


2009
Written by John Bacchus and Michael Raso
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema strikes again, putting out two super-hero themed erotic parodies to cash in on the summer of the super-hero, the Iron Man parody The Insatiable IronBabe was the other. We’re focusing on Batbabe: The Dark Nightie this time out, because that’s the one we have a copy of!

One of the least erotic erotic movies I have ever seen, it is basically a parody film with naked chicks and dildos. Although I don’t think anyone was going into this expecting high art, there were probably some late night watchers who were expecting it to be a bit sexy. But Batbabe is not the type of softcore film you would be watching with your girlfriend or wife, it’s more of the film you watch alone, or with a group of guys. It does have plenty of lame jokes, and the entire film is just one long filthy joke. And there is an audience for that, so they get what they want. I believe there is a place in the world for films like Batbabe, and will not disparage the people who would watch it. Heck, we enjoyed Seduction Cinema’s Kinky Kong, but were less impressed with their outings Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Vampire Vixens, and That 70′s Girl.

One can probably go on a long essay about turning a dark film such as The Dark Knight into a softcore comedy, with the many themes or elements borrowed, missing, or twisted. But this will not be such an essay, because that essay would probably be boring and focus too much on The Dark Knight, a film that’s been analyzed to death by internet message boards.

Batbabe/Wendy Wayne (Darian Caine) – Wendy Wayne is a stripper by day and Batbabe by night. Which probably loses her all the big bucks as the high-paying customers are at night. Crime-fighting doesn’t pay. Darian Caine is also in the reviewed Kinky Kong and Vampire Vixens.
Luscious Foxx (Smoke Williams) – Batbabe’s Lucius is her strip club manager Luscious, but he still gives her cool gadgets and sage advice.
The Jerker (Rob Mandara) – The Jerker likes to jerk. His wang. This appears to be Rob Mandara’s only role to date.
DA Henrietta Bent (Molly Heartbreaker) – Bent bends both ways and flips a coin to see who is on top! Molly Heartbreaker is easily recognizable in any sex scene due to the flames tattooed on her boobs. Had a small role in Kinky Kong, and who could forget her role in Topless Tapioca Wrestling?
Commissioner Boredom (John Paul Fedele as Clancy Fitzsimmons) – When there is a big case in Bacchum City, you can be assured Commissioner Boredom knows about it and still has no trouble going to sleep instead of doing anything!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite (Review)

February 16, 2011By

Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite


2010
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

It’s another Fred Olen Ray Bikini softcore flick! This one is also layered in the SciFi motif as we got Twilight Vamps, which totally is not cashing in on Twilight at all. Okay, maybe some. Sort of like the ocean has some water. Vampires are big business right now, and thanks to shows like True Blood, are also big sexy business right now. So you know that the softcore genre is going to come a-knocking!

What is me on a Tuesday morning at work doing in this film?

What we got is a squad of vampire strippers who enjoy sucking men….sucking their blood! They also do the other sucking. And because making guys with lots of disposable cash show up mysteriously dead and all connected to the same nightclub doesn’t arouse any suspicion from the police in this town, the girls are free to operate as they see fit. Until one day, a down on his luck guy takes the fall for one of their dinners and fights back.

Twilight Vamps features a number of original songs during the long pole dancing segments. A group called Nimbus performs the songs All is Calm and Liar Pt. 2, while The Erotics perform Agony and Xtacy and Push Comes to Death.

Jack (Frankie Cullen) – Jack is just a nice guy who works hard and finishes last all the time. Damn stupid saying, why you gotta make Jack finish last? Jack bucks the trend with this vampire adventure and becomes a hero. Bikini Frankenstein, Bikini Airways, and Cleavagefield
Tabitha (Brandin Rackley) – The head vampire woman at Shadows. She also takes a shine to Jack, though the short term pleasure leads to a long term undoing of her vampire murder/robbery empire. Brandin Rackley is also a photographer in addition to appearing in Cleavagefield and Bikini Frankenstein. She also stops by blogs written by goofballs on the internet from time to time.
Angela (Christine Nguyen) – Another vampire chick from the vampire club, who sinks her fangs into Roger and makes a withdrawal. She also helps Jack while he is in jail, in exchange for him helping her. Christine Nguyen rocks our socks off in these films also reviewed on TarsTarkas.NET: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, and Bikini Frankenstein.
Louise (Beverly Lynne) – Louise is Jack’s live-in girlfriend who doesn’t spend much time at home except to ask for money. She’s to busy banging everything with a vagina. She also disappears halfway through the film. But thanks to her scenes we can add the “Lesbians” tag proudly! Beverly Lynne is a softcore megastar who has been seen on TarsTarkas.NET in such classics as Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Royale, Super Ninja Doll
Amanda (Ashley West) – A non-surgery enhanced member of the vampire harem. Amanda has sex and has lesbian sex. That’s about it for her character, except for the giant D tattoo on her back. But since she’s credited as Ashley and playing Amanda, the D doesn’t seem to make sense. I now guess it stands for “Da Vampire!” Yes, I am overthinking an actress’s tattoo in a Bikini film. That’s how we roll on TarsTarkas.NET!
Roger (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Jack’s coworker who steals from the internet. He was caught because his annual budget review was really just our review of Lady Black Cat with “$5,000,000” search-and-replaced over “Connie Chan”. For shame, Roger! He gets twilight vampired to death! Tony Marino also pops up in Bikini Frankenstein. I am suspecting but not positive he is also actor Todd Senofonte.
Detective Simpson (Ted Newsom) – Simpson, eh? Another of our chair moisteners from sector 7G! Detective Simpson gives Jack a hard time over Roger’s murder because it’s easier than actually doing police work. Ted Newsom has been seen before in Bikini Frankenstein, Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Bewitched Housewives, and Bikini Royale
Cartwright (Ron Ford) – Jack and Roger’s boss at work. His job is to tell people that they need to work better. Ron Ford returns from Bikini Frankenstein, this time wearing another goofy mustache!
Tammy (Michelle Maylene) – Tammy is one of Louise’s lesbian pals. Michelle Maylene has handled more bones than a skeleton in over 80 films like Struggling Bare Breasted Prisoners, Stuff My Hot Pink Oven, Ruthless Restraint for Costume Captives!, and The Da Vinci Load.
Kyra (Jenaveve Jolie) – Kyra is another of Louise’s lesbian pals. Jenaveve Jolie has gushed more fluids than a busted oil rig in 318 films such as She’s Ticklish Everywhere, Tales from the Gloryhole, I Like to Chloroform Girls!, and Face Invaders. Did you notice both of the real porn stars have alliterate names?
Goth Dancer (Valerie K. Garcia) – She serves drinks, she dances, she is never mentioned as being a vampire. She’s also in the opening credits stills, providing the best photo! Don’t be blue…unless you’re a Smurf! Valerie K. Garcia was a slave girl in Princess of Mars, and also shows up playing the guitar in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.
It stinks!
Vampire Warriors
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Vampire Warriors (Review)

February 13, 2011By

Vampire Warriors


2010
Written and directed by Dennis Law Sau-Yiu

Sparkle THIS!

The announcements of a film starring Jiang Luxia and Chrissie Chau as chicks who fight vampires sounded like it would be the best movie ever. The reality is a far different creature, instead being a disappointing film with a few good moments. Jiang Luxia continues to be the best part of the films she shows up in, while Chrissie Chau continues to be…hot. She also barely participates in the action sequences. The action sequences should be what the film is built upon, but the tone of the sequences shift from practical fighting to insane flying wire fu where people get thrown through every wall in China, except for the one wall you would want to see someone thrown through.

The script itself feels more like a first draft than a full script. Many characters have little motivation, and even those given reasons for why they do stuff aren’t given much else to explain how they got to where they were. More of this complaint near the end of the review. It is obvious that Twilight inspired parts of the film, what with all the moping, the vampire family, and the vegetarian vampire angle. Someone needs to write a teenage girl hopping vampire romance novel quick!

Yank him until he goes full Anime!

When you think Chinese vampire films, you think of the hopping vampires, one-eyebrowed monks, awesome retro effects, lots of goofy scenes, and spooky/gross effects shots. Which is why when one comes out that features exclusively the western style vampires it is sort of interesting. There is no vampire hopping at all in this film, though there is a guy running around in the Qing style uniforms. We got no priests, and the effects shots are entirely digital and sparse. I don’t know if the complete lack of religious figures blasting the vampires is because the film is trying to appeal to more Western audiences who would be confused, or if there is some film guidelines from Mainland China that are against that stuff showing up. I do think the latter is why there were less gross/makeup effects that used to be common in these films.

Only mean people on the internet can make Chrissie Chau sad

Besides Jiang Luxia and Chrissie Chau, there are a bunch of other models in the cast – Haley C, Annie G, Dominic, Laying, Mia C, Suki, all of these are model/lang mo names. One expects the amount of Blue Steel in this movie will keep Pittsburgh in business for a bajillion years. I’m sure other girls with normal names in the credits are also models, it’s almost as if Dennis Law was trolling for dates. We also have two alumni from the original Mr. Vampire film, who are also the only people (besides one old lady) who look over 24 in the film. So please forgive the scant biographical information on some of these girls, as there isn’t any in English. As a final note, the film toys with some lesbian undertones between the main characters, which is sort of weird, especially since this film takes place in the all-too-common Hong Kong world where everyone is attractive 22 year old models who have never had a boyfriend.

Gymkata!

Ar (Jiang Lu-Xia) – Ar is a vampire hunter who spends all night killing vampires. Ar killed vampires with her father when she was young. She is also illiterate and has no money, as killing vampires doesn’t pay well. Jiang Lu-xia is rocking some awful extensions. Did one of the 1000 models on the movie sabotage her hair? See Jiang Luxia also be awesome in Coweb and Bad Blood.
Max (Chrissie Chau Sau-Na) – Vampire Max is Ar’s best friend and is a vegetarian vampire. Max’s favorite food is corgi, and definitely not obviously stuffed rabbit or ketchup. Chrissie Chau is the queen of the new breed of models showing up in Hong Kong called lang mo. Lang mo are models who aren’t fashion models but thanks to the internet get famous via the internet, and publish picture books of themselves wearing bikinis, something that is still shocking to many people in Hong Kong. There was even a big book fair recently where the lang mos like Chrissie Chau were banned and that caused much publicity and the models just showed up anyway as visitors. Chau is in an impressive number of recent films and will probably be in many more and inspire a whole new generation of lang mos.
Mung (Yuen Wah) – Mung is a Vampire Vampire, who consumes the blood of vampires to get powerful or something. Yuen Wah is one of two Mr. Vampire alums, and has been in a bajillion films, including My Kung Fu Sweetheart and Kung Fu Hustle.
Lung (Chin Siu-Ho) – Lung is the dad of the vampire family and is 1500 years old. He likes younger chicks, and lying to younger chicks. Chin Siu-Ho is another Mr. Vampire alum.
Rex (Rock Ji) – The brother in the family and the family member every sister has a crush on, even though Rex is too dense to pick up on it. Rock Ji is a male model. Shocking that another model is in this cast, I know.
Kar (DaDa Lo Chung-Chi) – The 800 year old vampire sister who is sick of living the unfeeling life. She gets her wish, though in the end maybe she didn’t want it so bad. DaDa Lo is a lang mo and also is in a pop group called Sugar Beez with A. Lin. The group appears to be based on the Twins, though most YouTube videos show them performing in front of only a few people at a time.
Lin (A. Lin) – The youngest member of the vampire family. That’s about it for what her character does in the film except almost drink too much water and die. Then she actually dies via Vampire Vampire. A. Lin is a model/singer noted for her resemblance to Gillian Chung. In the group Sugar Beez with DaDa Lo.
Menstruation really hits the spot!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bikini Royale (Review)

September 9, 2009By

Bikini Royale


2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Royale

Bikini Royale is a sequel to The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., which I haven’t seen, but that isn’t necessary to follow the plot here. As you have probably guessed, this is a riff on spy films such as James Bond. Riffing on Bond seems to be just as profitable as doing the actual Bond films, and there continues to be Bond sendups created year after year.
Bikini Royale

This is a Fred Olen Ray softcore bikini erotic parody, so it gives you what you expect for an entry in that genre: sex scenes, humor, general entertainment, familiar actors, familiar songs during the sex, and familiar locations. Previous TarsTarkas.NET reviews of Fred Olen Ray Bikini films include: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, and Bikini Airways.
Bikini Royale

Tanya X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret Agent Tanya X is the best agent in B.I.K.I.N.I.. And also the hottest. And possibly the only agent, because she’s the only one we ever see. She gets her man and gets it on, often with said man, other men, and other women. No word on if Tanya X is the daughter of Malcolm X.
Corrine (Nicole Sheridan) – Evil mistress of Parker Savage who works for Dr. Nyet and distrusts interior designers. Ruthless and efficient. Has a fondness for black bodysuits.
Parker Savage (Evan Stone) – Parker Savage heads Parker Savage Industries, and is very successful despite being very clueless. His brother is a doctor.
Sophie (Christine Nguyen) – Sophie is a professional poker player and card counter brought in by Mark Tenn to assist with learning how to lose effectively at poker. She ends up losing her clothes and getting involved in a threesome, because that’s what happens in these movies.
Mark Tenn (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – CIA agent and former partner of Tanya X in her previous outing. Mark Tenn and her have an adversarial relationship despite their numerous onscreen couplings. Mark Tenn has x-ray contacts, but they still don’t make him look any better in lipstick.
Dr. Nyet (Monique Parent) – Dr. Nyet died in the last film, except she didn’t and we explain that later. She is evil and behind the whole plot to sell missile plans or something. And she has lesbian sex. That’s far more important than the plot.
Mr. Whately (Ted Monte) – Head of B.I.K.I.N.I. and a quintuple agent, or something.
Photo Lady (Syren) – Target of Tanya X’s spying, the Photo Lady assumes it has something to do with her impending divorce and fails to realize her stolen microchip is the real target. Likes showers, photography, and sealing things.
Tang (Charlie Laine) – Dr. Nyet’s assistant who gets some physical rewards for her activities. Has visited the moon with the astronauts.
Newton (Ted Newsom) – Newton is the Q of B.I.K.I.N.I. and provides all the fun gadgets. For some reason Tanya X and Newton don’t seem to like each other much, but isn’t explained, maybe in the previous film.

Bikini Royale

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