Bewitched Housewives (Review)

Bewitched Housewives

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Bewitched Housewives is a take off of Bewitched except as a softcore flick. As a Bewitched movie came out around the same time, that may have been the inspiration for the script getting made. This is not the only Retromedia take off of old TV shows as erotic entertainment, Erotic Genie being another example. I would rather these old shows get made as parody softcore flicks instead of terrible big budget films that bomb at the box office.

The TV series Bewitched actually spawned three Turkish movies, one of which was Tatli Cadi (The Sweet Sorceress), and it was followed by the sequel Tatli Cadi’nin Maceralari (The Adventures of the Sweet Sorceress). Minik Cadi (The Cute Witch) turned the main star into a little girl and went cute, in contrast to the Sweet Sorceress films which tended to emphasize women in skimpy clothes. I am sure we are all familiar with the remake with Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman, so let’s leave well enough alone.

As we’ve done a whole bunch of these Fred Olen Ray bikini films, I’ll just list them all here instead of over and over again in the Roll Call: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, and Bikini Airways. Yes, more will be on here soon!

Mary Corwin (Beverly Lynne) – A fan of big, throbbing vegatables, Mary Corwin is whisked away from certain death at the hands of witch hunters to modern day LA where she has a husband, friends, and corporate espionage intrigue… Beverly Lynne is a pretty big star in these Skinimax softcore films, but those of you who got here by Googling her name already know that.
Angelique (Nicole Sheridan) – Angelique is a member of the Sisterhood of Witches and spends her time rescuing persecuted witches back in time and taking them to modern times. Nicole Sheridan is in almost every Bikini movie made this decade, also stars in adult films, and runs her own website. Plus she’s married to Voodoo. Check out her wonderfully titled films If the Balls Fit, Suck ‘Em!, The Adventures of O-Girl Trapped in Time, and Eruptions: Pink’s My Favorite Color.
Derek Simmons (Brad Bartram) – Ad agency man who becomes the set up husband for rescued witch Mary Corwin. Brad Bartram has a large contingent of fans of the search engine referrals are to be believed.
Barry (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – Barry is Derek’s coworker, and is jealous because Derek comes up with all the cool ideas. Martin’s plan is to steal Derek’s latest idea, which would have worked had Derek bothered to write any of it down (which must make powerpoint presentations interesting!) Barry is played by Alexandre Boisvert, who continues his policy of making goofy faces and being hilarious.
Linda (Rebecca Love) – Barry’s girl and his point woman for Operation Steal Derek’s Ideas. Spends most of her time rummaging though underwear drawers and having sex with Derek to cover her tracks. Adult actress Rebecca Love is also featured in the finely titled films Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre, When Things Get Rough She Gets Filthy, and Itty Bitty Cheerleaders vs. the Big Boob Squad 2.
Martin (Evan Stone) – Martin is Angelique’s wife, and is one of the few roles where Evan Stone plays a more subdued, normal guy. He can’t always be in elevator shoes with goggles and giant gloves and named Kronkor.
Brother Hopkins (Ted Newsom) – A Witch Hunter who tracks down those who would dare use magic, even though one of his tools looks to be magic. Not adverse to traveling to the future to track down his prey. Occasionally yields to temptation.
Mr. Beatty (Don Donaldson) – Derek’s boss at the ad agency. Don Donaldson is barely in this movie, but has larger roles in a few of the other films.
Jailer (Eric Spudic) – The Jailer shows up at the end to assign Brother Hopkins (now Sister Hopkins) his (her) fate. Eric Spudic was also in The Ghost in the Teeny Bikini. If you are in Van Nuys, visit Spudic’s Movie Empire!

Mary Corwin is locked in jail for witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts (also for sexing up some vegetables) Brother Hopkins comes in to tell her she is going to die. He has a witch-finding staff which looks like an LED torch. He gives her some time alone to ponder her impending death by hanging, because the plot won’t move forward if he is hanging around. That’s cool for us, because Angelique from the Sisterhood of Witches beams in to rescue Mary. She will help Mary, but first must initiate her into the Sisterhood, if you know what I mean.

Heh heh heh.

What I mean is lesbian sex.

And plenty of it!

After five minutes or so of the two nubile blondes exploring every square inch of each others quivering naked bodies, glistening in the cell light, Brother Hopkins bursts in and catches them! He gets zapped and it is time to go. To the future! There is a small problem as Angelique leaves behind her necklace, but we don’t know it is a problem yet. Mary wakes up in a modern home, and Angelique begins to show Mary around and all the wonders of the modern age. Sinks, fridges, bidets, and other devices elicits wonder, almost as if the devices are magic. Also, there is real magic. But it isn’t as cool as the sink.

And Mary is married! Who is this husband? He is an advertising exec named Derek Simmons, who has just be dragged into a get together by coworker Barry a few days before Derek’s big presentation to Mr. Beatty is due. Derek calls home, meanwhile Barry reveals to his accomplice Linda that they are on for getting together tonight, and the two scheme about how they will steal Derek’s storyboards for the new commercial to use as their own presentation. This gets them so hot that they jump right to sex in the middle of the office storeroom. If what I learned from late night movies is true, every inch of every office in the world is covered in bodily fluids from various illicit affairs. So wear a raincoat when you go to work, people!

Five minutes later, Derek comes home, and the first thing he wants to do is take his wife to the bedroom for some fun. She is apprehensive at first (after all, she just met the guy!), but goes along with it. We don’t see the sex right away because we go back in time where Brother Hopkins wakes up from being knocked unconscious, finds the magic medallion, and commands it to take him to the witches, so he gets zapped to the future. The future of 2007!

Now the husband and wife sex begins!

Barry and Linda show up afterwards, barging in and insulting Mary. Wonderful party guests, those two! Linda is to snoop around while Barry distracts the others. Angelique and her husband Martin then beam in to help give Mary some support. This party will get interesting because Martin is Evan Stone, who is not playing a crazy character with a ridiculous costume for once. So they party continues and awkward things happen, while Brother Hopkins beams in outside and begins what he will do for most of the film, spy on the people inside. Reaction shots open the film up to a whole group of people who get off on voyeurism.

Linda’s efforts to snoop around are foiled by Martin. She goes downstairs and blows her top (off! Thanks to Martin) and her and Barry leave. Angelique and Martin also leave, so Mary and Derek can have more sex (which we don’t see.)

Back at Angelique and Martin’s, Angelique discovers her necklace is missing. Martin promises to get it back for her, and then the two make love in a long sex sequence that is the emotional center of the film, or something. Basically, if you are a fan of Nicole Sheridan you will be happy.

Next morning, Derek goes off to play golf so Mary is left home alone to watch tv. Of course Linda and Barry are lying in wait (chatting on walkie talkies) and Linda prepares to sneak inside. Mary turns on the tv, which is preset to be on the hottest Skinimax channel available, and thus there is a sex scene playing that is probably a clip from another Retromedia/AIP film I don’t recognize. Someone claimed it was Kennedy Johnston and some dude, so I believe them. It is very exciting for Mary, who begins to get tingling sensations that can only be solved by stripping naked and rubbing herself all over. Brother Hopkins is still lurking outside (like I guess he was doing all night long) and sneaks a peek at this act of self-pleasure. You’d think he would just arrest her now, but we got another half an hour or so to go, so no arrest yet. No neighbors call about a strange man dressed in pilgrim attire lurking outside of peoples’ homes, either. That’s why it pays to organize a neighborhood watch. You never know when you will wake up married to a secret witch being chased by deranged pilgrims from the past.

Mary gets her rocks off and then nods off, giving Linda free access to sneak around. But Derek returns home because he forgot his wallet, heads upstairs, and discovers Linda! Linda is screwed! She tries some lame stories that don’t work, then just offers him a job of the blowing kind. He accepts(!) and soon they are going at it on the bed. I guess she is screwed! Keep in mind they are going at it on the bed while Mary is downstairs naked and asleep. They are so loud they wake up Mary, who heads upstairs…discovers them…and after Derek says that Linda was here for help because Barry was to sick to satisfy her, Mary asks if she can help!

Don’t try this at home, fellas! Mary can help, thus giving us ménage a trios. This goes on for a few minutes with Brother Hopkins spying on them. The reason there was only one Scarlett Letter was that all the other pilgrims were too busy being outside watching instead of adultering themselves.

Barry wakes up to the sounds of heavy moaning over the walkie talkie and he goes to investigate. He catches the trio at work, as well as Brother Hopkins! Soon everyone confesses everything to each other, even Barry confesses he was after Derek’s plans because he is sick of living in his shadow. Derek gives him a talking down, and then Barry and Linda leave. Next, Angelique and Martin beam in to solve the problem of Brother Hopkins. They grab the necklace back from Brother Hopkins and send him back to 1692. As a girl. In jail. For witchcraft! Jailer Eric Spudic is all set to convict, and the executioner guy is probably Evan Stone so I guess he gets in a goofy costume after all!

And that’s it, with everyone living happily ever after. And probably having some more lesbian sex. Because.

Rated 8/10 (AIP4Lyfe!, Special talent, Time-Turner, Over, Out, Under, What is this Kiss?, Topper)

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