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Ironfinger

Ironfinger

Ironfinger

aka 100発100中 aka Hyappatsu hyakuchu aka 100 Shot, 100 Killed
Ironfinger
1965
Written by Michio Tsuzuki and Kihachi Okamoto
Directed by Jun Fukuda

Ironfinger
The world of 1960s spy films is a crazy place, filled with all sorts of local infusions of the James Bond formula. Jun Fukuda drops a pair of flicks that take inspiration from the jet-setting spy and the local Japanese yakuza and crime films. Like all good 60s spy flicks, things aren’t taken 100% serious, and Ironfinger is practically an action comedy. The era wardrobe and locations give flavor that can’t be reproduced any more, and our hero Andrew Hoshino runs around from country to country on his own agenda, that’s not as innocent as it first appears.
Ironfinger
Ironfinger is a movie of the world. It’s original title translates to 100 Shot, 100 Killed, but it’s given a James Bond-esque retitle for overseas release. Andrew Hoshino himself is a man of the world, French-born Japanese who speaks both languages, as well as English, with ease. His “vacation” sees him embroiled in an international weapons smuggling conspiracy that reaches all over the Pacific Rim, running from Japan to Hong Kong to the Philippines. Ironfinger speaks five languages, has characters who get angry because the wrong language is being spoken, yet the story is universal enough to be entertaining to everyone.
Ironfinger
Andrew Hoshino plays the innocent tourist caught up in crime and continually referencing his Mama. but it becomes abundantly clear that he’s more than he appears, but never so clear you understand just what he is. Secret agent, criminal, Interpol? Your guess is as good as anyone else’s. Even his name isn’t his own, he acquires it from the passport of a murdered friend. Hoshino has a string of running gags, beginning with where he’s constantly losing and getting back his hat (originally his murdered friend’s hat), the hat containing a concealed weapon. Hoshino is also constantly captured, spending the majority of the running time in custody of one gang or another. Yet he always manages to escape through the power of his mouth or his skills, falling upward and into the arms of beautiful women.

Ironfinger and its sequel Golden Eye were best known for the strong Godzilla alumni connection. Both star Akira Takarada and costar Akihiko Hirata had roles in the original film and many subsequent sequels, but Bond girl Mie Hama also pops up in a few Toho kaiju flicks. Director Jun Fukuda has long been connected to the franchise, even helming Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, Son of Godzilla, Godzilla vs. Gigan, Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, ESPY, The War in Space, and episodes of the Zone Fighter tv series. These connections helped bump Ironfinger up the list for a Criterion release, and both Ironfinger and Golden Eye look fantastic and have nice subtitles. As these reviews are based on the streaming versions, I did not view any extras.
Ironfinger

Andrew Hoshino (Akira Takarada) – A third generation Japanese-Frenchman on vacation and caught up in a criminal conspiracy. Is constantly talking about his Mama and bumming cigs. But Andrew Hoshino is also a crack shot and adept at identifying and taking out dangerous people. He knows things about the arms dealer he’s hunting and his true affiliation is not revealed. But he gets the job done, does it really matter? In the universe of Ironfinger, not really.
Yumi Sawada (Mie Hama) – Contract bomber for the Akatsuki who recognizes the game has changed once Andrew is in play, so moves her pieces to his side of the board. Is having the most fun out of anyone in the cast.
Detective Ryuta Tezuka (Ichiro Arishima) – Blue collar detective who is sucked into this secret agent cool criminal underworld to track down an arms dealer. Always looks like he doesn’t belong, yet also is perfect for being in the middle of the action.
Komori (Akihiko Hirata) – Contract killer for the Aonuma family, who really works for the shadowy figure behind the arms dealing. Also is familiar with Yumi Sawada. Is ordered to take out Andrew Hoshino before he gets too close.

Ironfinger

An Inaccurate Memoir

An Inaccurate Memoir

An Inaccurate Memoir

aka 匹夫 aka Pi Fu
An Inaccurate Memoir
2012
Written by Leon Yang Shu-Peng and Zhang Xiao-Bei
Directed by Leon Yang Shu-Peng

An Inaccurate Memoir
Wow, did I get An Inaccurate Memoir wrong! Here I thought it looked cool and would be entertaining, but instead it just ends up being boring and making me wonder why I’m wasting time on it when I have a thousand other films to watch. A sad end, because An Inaccurate Memoir looked strong, taking place during the Japanese invasion of China and featuring bandits and resistant fighters in a near-lawless setting.
An Inaccurate Memoir
It’s not all bad, there is some awesome cinematography of wide open spaces indicative of Westerns that so many of these Eastern/Occupied China films emulate. There is some cool imagery, if you are patient enough to wait around for it. Most striking is the occupying Japanese soldiers playing soccer with a skull. The Japanese are dehumanized in most scenes, especially the raid on the bandit base by gas mask wearing Japanese troops that look like monstrous invaders.
An Inaccurate Memoir
The action sequences are too sparse, and when under way, are done with an intense energy, like every move and shot is done with great pain and heroic struggle. Think everyone acting like screaming Spartans from 300 except without all the stylized effects around them and just in a real firefight, and it begins to look ridiculous. I’m all for stylizing action films, but here it is just a mess of struggle. Sure, some characters it can be advantageous to show the heroic struggle…if used in moderation, not filled so much the seams are bursting.
An Inaccurate Memoir

Ghost Shark

Ghost Shark

Ghost Shark

Ghost Shark
2013
Written by Eric Forsberg and Griff Furst
Screenplay by Paul A. Birkett
Directed by Griff Furst

Great, another fun toy banned because of some dumb kid…

G-G-G-G-G-G-Ghost Shark???! Yes, it’s true, a murdered shark returns to life via magic, become a spectral terror that haunts all bodies of water, from the ocean to your cup of coffee. Ghost Shark can manifest anywhere there is wet stuff about, allowing for an array of amazing and ridiculous kill scenes. Slip-n-slides, fire hydrants, the rain, and water coolers all become home for the Ghost Shark.

Ghost Shark

Finally a legitimate time to use KFC’s terrible “I ate the bones” slogan complete with a bucket!


Though Ghost Shark was made independently of Sharknado, it premiered soon after, and features many crazy shark antics. Thus, comparisons are inevitable. I liked Ghost Shark slightly better, as I feel the story outside of the crazy shark antics is better. While Sharknado deals with a man trying to protect his family in the midst of chaos, Ghost Shark is a revenge tale where teens deal with a problem the authorities think is too crazy to be real. But we’re in the world of SyFy, baby, and Ghost Sharks are just icing on the cake of carnage.

Ghost Shark features one of the best female leads in a monster movie ever. Mackenzie Rosman’s Ava doesn’t just sit around and get into trouble, she’s actively attempting to solve the problem of the ghost shark that claimed her father’s life, saving her sister, and relegating the male lead to also ran status. Ava gets stuff done. Ava is never in a point where she needs to be “rescued” by the male lead in an attempt to shows that strong women always need a guy around. In fact, Ava actively dismisses Blaise, assigning him to watch over her sister. Blaise fails in so many things that he does do, it’s a wonder he manages to keep Cicely from being eaten (heck, Ghost Shark does eat her…then spits her out!) Ava figures out that there is something supernatural at work, that Finch knows something about Ghost Shark’s secret, that the authority figures in town are dumb as a baby’s bottom, and that if anything is going to get done, it’s going to require her to step up and bust this Ghost Shark! She’s also not victim to some false feminism where she kicks butt, but has to do so in skintight leather or torn outfits. After the initial beach encounter, she ditches the bikini for sensible attire.

Once news came out that Ghost Shark was written and directed by Griff Furst, it became a must watch regardless of the premise. Furst’s films for SyFy (Arachnoquake, Swamp Shark, Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators ) are always inventive and fun, filled with crazy scenarios that unfold in ways you don’t expect, and often taking real world issues as inspiration. While ghost carnivores are not a real world issue any place I am familiar with is deal with at this time, places whitewashing their histories and incompetent authority figures are an actual problem.

Ghost Shark

Reverse Pac-Man!


Ava Reid (Mackenzie Rosman) – Teenage buttkicker Ava Reid is the lone force of sanity in the small town of Smallport, dealing with a parade of incompetent adults and less than capable teenagers. Her father is Ghost Sharked, and Ava has to stop the translucent chomping at all cost! Mackenzie Rosman is best known for her role on 7th Heaven.
Blaise Parker (Dave Randolph-Mayhem Davis) – Local dude who is crushing on Ava, despite her apathy to the situation. In normal films, Blaise would become the hero, but in Ghost Shark, he’s delegated to the sidelines and taking orders from Ava, who is too busy saving the day to stop and let Blaise save the day. Dave Davis can be seen in the SyFy flicks Heebie Jeebies and Leprechaun’s Revenge
Cicely Reid (Sloane Coe) – Ava’s sister who shows some of her big sister’s strength but is still young enough Ava tries to keep her out of harm’s way. This is Sloane Coe’s first film.
Finch (Richard Moll) – The drunken light house guy with a dead wife who wanders around town ranting incoherently. Thus he’s not crazy and knows the secret of Ghost Shark! Richard Moll is also in Combat Academy, though he probably does not remember it at all.
Cameron Stahl (Jaren Mitchell) – The son of Smallport mayor Frank Stahl (Lucky Johnson from Arachnoquake), Cameron helps deal with the Ghost Shark situation despite his dad trying to cover it up. Has a jetski. Jaren Mitchell is also in 21 Jump Street
Mick (Shawn C. Phillips) – All groups of friends need a party guy! And Mick is your man. Is not good at getting out of swimming pools quickly. Shawn C. Phillips has been in so many horror films I’m shocked he hasn’t shown up on TarsTarkas.NET yet! So here he is.
Ghost Shark (CGI) – Ghost Shark is a murdered shark back for revenge and then also the fun of eating dozens of random people! There are cool electronic sound as Ghost Shark moves, looking like some sort of Tron Shark. Ghost Shark can materialize in any body of water, even water drops and glasses of water. Ghost Shark!
Ghost Shark

Our dad is dead, his cap is red (with blood) Who we gonna call?

The Bullet Vanishes

The Bullet Vanishes

The Bullet Vanishes

aka 消失的子彈 aka Xiao shi de zi dan aka Ghost Bullets
The Bullet Vanishes
2012
Written by Yeung Sin-Ling and Law Chi-Leung
Action Directed by Nicky Li Chung-Chi
Directed by Law Chi-Leung

The Bullet Vanishes
Bodies begin appearing at an ammunitions factory that have been shot but with no apparent bullet. The mystery crimes draw the investigators into a web of corruption, murder, and betrayal. Thus, The Bullet Vanishes sets the tone, as a mystery/police procedural that has all the layers of government and business corruption that you’d find in an episode of The Wire.
The Bullet Vanishes
Part of the fun of The Bullet Vanishes is just watching Inspector Song (Lau Ching-Wan, Black Mask) do his thing. Song is methodical and deductive, not afraid to put himself in danger in order to get to the truth. Song values the truth above all else, this integrity is why he’s appointed as an officer to weed out corruption.
The Bullet Vanishes
Song immediately attaches himself to Captain Guo Zhui (Nicholas Tse Ting-Fung, Treasure Inn), who is Song’s new department’s best detective, in that he doesn’t let the rich and powerful get away with anything, either. Captain Guo is more brash, more likely to threaten and fight, but he’s also the fastest draw in town, so his threats are backed up with deeds. Guo’s also showing the ropes to his partner, the junior detective Xiaowu (Boran Jing Bo-Ran, The Guillotines), including advising Xiaowu to take some bribes so he doesn’t become a target.

Guo’s instincts and Song’s scientific approaches mesh well, helped by both of their obsessions with finding the answers. Much of their time is dealt with impatient factory owners, rude foremen, panicked workers, and their annoyed corrupt Chief, who is just trying to get to retirement with all his bribe money before these murders muck everything up.
Yang Mi The Bullet Vanishes

Sex Tapes

Sex Tapes

Sex Tapes

Sex Tapes
2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Eric Lacey

Sex Tapes

Videos of me? Having sex? On the internet???


Open relationship couples boning left and right while documenting every frame get into trouble when the tapes go missing and the accusations fly. Mainline Releasing drops another Cinemax softcore flick with Sex Tapes, a provocative title while the actual plot is far more dramatic than sensational.

Sex Tapes is another Tina Hawthorne script (who has by far become my favorite softcore script writer, even her wide misses are interesting!), you can expect a lot of talking and relationship issues to come to the surface. As characters stress over the missing sex tapes and their own relationship issues, the arguments get personal and circular, so a lot of the recap portion is just summarizing the arguments. But much of the talking feels real, like you would overhear at a coffeeshop while couples are arguing. Unfortunately, it sometimes feels a bit too real, while other sections are a bit too staged. This all combines with a lack of resolution that makes Sex Tapes disappointing, but an interesting disappointing.

Sex Tapes

My Sex Tape themed microbrew will bring the beer blogging community to its knees!


Sam and Lisa seem to have the perfect open relationship, they love each other and have gobs of money and are ringleaders and hosts to the other swinging couples. But things aren’t what they seem. Sam is in a secret affair with Alexis, a violation of the trust rules. Lisa suspects something is going on, but doesn’t have proof. Sam is very controlling, his video documentation of all the sex action is part of his need to be in charge of everything, including recording and editing things to perfection. It’s also why he feels he can cheat on Lisa, because Sam can do whatever he wants to do.

Carrie and Tyler argue constantly and have clear trust issues, which is odd because they’re also in open relationship which requires trust. But their fights never last long and always end in them making up. There is also a hint of Carrie having poor self image, which might explain some of the problems. Tyler is more sedentary, spending long portions of the film just sitting on the couch. His passiveness seems like it would cause Tyler to get upset about his lack of action, but that isn’t even discussed.

Alexis and Brent have the most damaged relationship in that their goals are completely opposite. Brent is becoming more important in his law firm and realizes the days of having sex on camera needs to stop. Alexis has no intentions of stopping, nor of stopping her affair with Sam. Brent is unaware of the affair, and seemingly unaware that Alexis has even had sex with anyone else, describing their participation as just watching others have sex while they as a couple have sex. Brent is no saint, he does cheat on Alexis before he has confirmation that she is cheating on him. But the fact his wife disappears for long periods with Sam should be a tip off even the blindest man would get.

With these three couples, the damage is already there, and when tapes go missing and all the secrets and lies get exposed in the open, it is not a pretty sight. Good thing there are Sex Tapes that recorded everything!

Sex Tapes

These sex tapes are BETA!


Sam (Jason Sarcinelli) – Intercourse recording aficionado, control freak, and ringleader of a group sex club. Sam and his girl Lisa have an open relationship, but Sam’s arrogance and need to control leads to trouble. Jason Sarcinelli is also in Sexy Assassins and Species III
Lisa (Angela Nicholas as Angela Davies) – Sam’s loving partner who becomes increasingly suspicious that Sam is having an affair, bolstered by Alexis constantly sniping at her. Angela Davies also appears in Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk
Carrie (Chanel Preston) – Tyler’s partner who switches from arguing with Tyler to making up with him. Suffers from self-estem issues. Chanel Preston has starred in many films such as Rezervoir Doggs
Tyler (Sean Juergens) – Carrie’s partner and couch devotee. Looks like Jon Favreau and says “dude” a lot. Sean Juergens also appears in Insatiable Obsession and Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise
Alexis (Charmane Star) – Brent’s wife and Sam’s lover. Really hates Lisa because she has Sam, and doesn’t seem to like her own husband at all. Charmane Star also appears in Sexual Quest
Brent (Dennis Harkins) – Lawyer who is getting increasingly nervous about all the sex tape things going on while his career is set to take off. Also unaware his wife is cheating on him. Dennis Harkins has either not acted in anything ever, or he’s using an alias.
David (Mitchell Steinberg) – Local security guard of the gated community Sam and Carrie live in. Of course he’s the guy who ends up with all the tapes…
Sex Tapes

Virgin Vaginas lives!

Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Barber

Dark Secrets

That’s not how you tell secrets!


Relationships relationships relationships. And also hot sex. Mainline Releasing drops another cool script from Tina Hawthorne that takes another softcore film on a deep introspective journey to look at the relationships of the people who are its subjects. The dissection is so complete that a major character is a group couples therapist, who helps the various pairings with their issues. Some things can be dealt with, and some relationships aren’t worth saving.

Be warned, audience, Dark Secrets might actually make you think for a bit! Sure, it’s got naked people being nude with each other, but also people talk and learn give and takes of relationships. Thus becoming stronger as they learn to work with each other. Sure, a few of the compromises get simplified to just boning each other, but there is a quota of sex scenes we need to fill here, people!

Two relationships have problems in that both members each have their own little things that need to get ironed out. So the therapy session helps because they have a chance to discuss it, instead of just getting angry and exploding at each other. The group couples therapy would seem to be advantageous because you can see similarities to facets of your own relationship when you hear others talk about theirs. But you might also learn things you don’t really want to know about your friends, so I don’t suggest jumping right into group couples therapy with all your friends. And every group has that one friend’s significant other that everyone hates. Yes, he’s in this film as well.

Dark Secrets

I hate this painting. HATE!!


David doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the group because he’s said to be older and doesn’t really care for Marisa’s going to school or doing much of anything except living off of him. David always seems to have the right line to compliment all the other girls, but rarely bothers to connect with Marisa. It is apparent to everyone that Marisa is on her last legs in that relationship, fed up with David’s crap and attempts to control things. David ticks off the other guys at therapy with his empty platitudes, coming out at a disadvantage while Marisa becomes more empowered by the sessions. It’s clear that being around other people helps give Marisa confidence, something David isn’t too keen on, as confidence means she won’t be doing what he says. David’s personality is more complicated at first, but by the end of the film he becomes cartoonishly evil. A switch goes off once Marisa becomes free, and David can’t handle it, can’t handle the being out of control. The Dark Secret of David is he’s a violent sociopath!

Marisa (Jayden Cole) – Young student dating the much older David, who seems like he knows all the answers, but really doesn’t know much, especially about Marisa. But he does know how to be disturbingly violent if Marisa brakes up with him… Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Frankenstein, and Naughty Reunion.
David (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
Felicia (Heather Vahn) – Marisa and Bree’s friend, her boyfriend Max spends all his time working on his laptop and being passive aggressive when she tries to drag him to group couples therapy. Felicia is worried about the time Max spends not paying attention to her and her needs. As this is pre-boob job Heather Vahn, it also helps date how long ago this was filmed vs. being released. Heather Vahn also stars in the political thriller Grab and Bind: Heather Vahn, Political Prisoner
Max (Michael Vegas) – Felicia’s boyfriend who is probably very busy with work right now, though if you are a naked Felicia he can pause a bit to have sex with you. Does not like David. At all. Michael Vegas sweeps the leg in The Karate Kid XXX: A DreamZone Parody.
Bree (Victoria White) – Marisa and Felicia’s friend who helps convince Marisa to bring David to therapy. Defends some of David’s statements (because they compliment her) though eventually makes up with her boyfriend. This relationship only seems to need therapy because Brian is angry 24/7. Victoria White also appears in Sexual Quest.
Brian (Richard Lounello) – Bree’s boyfriend. Is constantly angry. About everything. Has HUGE ears. Does not like David. At all. Richard Lounello also appears in Battledogs.
Dr. Serena Daniels (Kelli McCarty) – Therapist who hosts group couples therapy sessions, which are as exciting as you think they would be to be in. Despite being a trained psychologist, she’s not above having sex with her patients. Let’s hope the California Board of Psychology doesn’t watch this movie! Kelli McCarty is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
Dark Secrets

How dare you criticize my Naruto/Pokemon slash fic!