Posts tagged "cavemen"

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (Review)

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet


2005
Starring
Misty Mundae (Erin Brown) as Oook
Tina Krause (Mia Copia) as Eegads
Ruby Larocca as Eeek and Dr. Ruby
Cherry Moonshine (Zoe Moonshine) as Captain Moonshine
Lilly Tiger as Una
Directed by William Hellfire
Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet
Seduction Cinema is at it again, putting out another cheesefest under the guess of a parody/sex film. Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is exceptional in one respect, it’s exceptionally awful, agonizing, excruciating pain. Despite its short running time of 53 minutes, this joins the many many many other Seduction Cinema films that have scripts around three pages long, and just throw in lengthy lesbian sex scenes to fill the rest of the gap. Vampire Vixens and That 70’s Girl both had a minimum of plot and a maximum of lengthy sex scenes that became uninteresting. BGODP (as we’ll call it from now on) does manage to not have sex scenes run longer for more than six minutes, so that is the only advantage it has over its contemporaries. This advantage is ruined by the many long scenes and toilet humor. The toilet humor involving farting, crapping, and burping dinosaurs, as well as cave girls throwing other cave girls into giant puddles of crap, are an insult to toilet humor. One can only imagine the Toilet Duck of commercials past is mobilizing an army of duck weapons to take down this threat to toilets everywhere. Unfortunately, Toilet Duck seems to have been replaced by a CGI monstrosity! Jerks!

The basic plot is prehistoric lesbians do some lesbian things, while watched by space lesbians. Also, some dinosaurs engage in bodily functions. As per Seduction Cinema standard on TarsTarkas.NET, I shall be documenting the length of the sex scenes, because most of them aren’t interesting enough to pay attention to besides that.

Now, I am not knocking the acting talents of the four ladies who play cavewomen, but as none of them speak anything besides repeating “Oook” and “caca” over and over, there isn’t much dialogue in the film. To make up for that, the writers concocted that the lesbian cavewomen were being observed by lesbian scientists, probably from the lesbian galaxy. This means that Captain Ruby narrates for 90% of the film that sex or cavegirl “oook”ing isn’t going on. Thus Captain Ruby has long speeches that are supposed to be humorous in a campy way, but just end up being humorous in a WTF? way. Some of those gems will be pointed out when we get to them. She also manages to give some of her speeches while she’s supposed to be being eaten out by her pilot, Captain Moonshine. Uhhhh…there’s a nasty joke here, but I won’t be venturing into that territory!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Instead, let’s just venture into the film at large! First, the cast, which was difficult to piece together, as IMDB is wrong again, and several actresses are going by different names. The whole thing is a mess, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I got something wrong as well.

Oook (Misty Mundae) – Seduction Cinema mainstay Misty Mundae is around again, utilized in stock shots filmed years ago and scraped together into a “film”. As Misty Mundae and gone on to act under her real name Erin Brown in more mainstream horror, she won’t be in any of the newer Seduction Cinema films. Thus we will be forced to watch every frame of film she was recorded on be re-edited into new films, probably for decades to come. Oook does nothing in the film except pick nits and have lesbian sex.
Eegads (Mia Copia) – As Mia Copia quit softcore films around 2000, that should tell you how long this 2005 movie stayed on the shelf. Or maybe that’s how long it took to do the special effects! The Queen of the prehistoric lesbian cavegirls. Is not fond of males or male-like thinking.
Una (Lily Tiger) – Una is a cavegirl lesbian who gets excited when other prehistoric lesbians eat fruit. Attempts to rape Eeek after a crazed fruit-high that makes her think like a man.
Eeek (Ruby Larocca) – Eek the Cat? No, Eeek the Prehistoric Lesbian! Oddly enough, Captain Ruby fails to comment on why prehistoric lesbian Eeek looks so much like her… Proving that even in prehistoric times, one could get magenta hair dye, nose rings, and racing stripe bikini waxings.
Captain Moonshine (Zoe Moonshine aka Cherry Moonstone) – Captain Moonshine is the lead researcher studying prehistoric lesbians. Science has never had so many lesbian orgies since the famouse Darwin Orgies of 1884. For some reason is a big fan of rape.
Dr. Ruby (Ruby Larocca) – Same actress as Eeek, but don’t let that fool you, as these scenes were filmed years later. She’s also called the captain of the ship, so the whole naming scheme comes to a crashing mess. Enjoys munching on beef curtains.

The credits will get a mention, with names flying by for the actresses, then suddenly the credit speed increases threefold with the rest of the crew. Since they seemed to be desperate to pad this thing, why did they sprint through the last half of the credits? Makes no sense! Gah! This whole film just doesn’t work!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

The film begins in an episode of Babylon 5. Seriously. The Babylon 5 jumpgate activates, and a space vessel flies out. I guess Babylon 5 has stopped worrying about Shadow Wars and Chekov because now all they do is look for lesbians to study. A voiceover gives the orders to the ship to seek out and record some primitive lesbian communities. I want to apply for this research grant. Anyway, we cut inside the vessel, where Dr. Moonshine explains to us that prehistoric lesbians could become violently chaotic if threatened. That’s good to know, don’t threaten prehistoric lesbians. Both her and ship officer Captain Ruby hope to witness acts of debauchery, as does the audience, I gather. Dr. Moonshine tells us much of this while speaking directly to the audience, reminding one of YouTube and Vlogging. Vlogging being the dumbest word ever invented, but besides that point, I will characterize all of Captain Moonshine’s communiqués with the audiences as Lonelygirl13 + Lesbians = Lesbiangirl13. I’d subscribe! Wait, no I wouldn’t…
bikini girls dinosaur planet
As the CGI planet shows, this Dinosaur Planet has the same continent configuration as Earth, which means it is either: Not prehistoric, Not Dinosaur Planet, or Not produced by a company that cares for accuracy like that. After some connections issues (they are using the tiniest TV in the world) we go down to the surface, where some CGI dinosaurs go by. To say they are historically accurate would mean I would have to lie. TarsTarkas.NET has a policy of brutal honesty, so we’ll just say these dinosaurs look worse than the old Playskool Definitely Dinosaurs line.

Down on the planet, there is a magenta-haired cavewoman named Eeek who looks mysteriously like Dr. Ruby… Eeek is accosted by some random cavedude with trim blonde hair and a penchant for making wacky faces, and Eeek smashes his face with his own spear. This produces QUITE a lot of blood on the unconscious male aggressor. The lesbian cavedweller Misty Mundae (Oook) and Lily Tiger (Una) are picking nits off each other, when Eeek wanders by. “A lesbian cavedweller will never refuse a fellow lesbian in need” we are told by Dr. Ruby, and of course what this needy lesbian cavedweller needed was sex with two other girls. Lesbian Cavedwellers: Always helping others. So the first sex scene begins, where the two girls go to town on newcomer Eeek. Full frontal for both Eeek and Misty, while Una is given the shaft. After four minutes of action, Cavegirl Number 4 comes along, she is the queen, Eegads. Eegads comes equipped with a cave dildo that she shoves into Eeek. Or so it seems, as this attempt to simulate penetration is laughable at best. Two more minutes of this add up to six whole minutes of sex scene. Captain Ruby and Dr. Moonshine are enthralled, and stare intently. The cavegirls finish up and go back to doing what lesbian cavegirls do when not munching carpet: picking fruit.

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Luckily for them, someone left some kiwi fruit just lying around the forest, and they start eating. “Fruit – nature’s aphrodisiac!” – Captain Moonshine. Dr. Moonshine then goes on a long speech about the importance of foreplay. The lesbian cavegirls eat more and more fruit, becoming more and more horny, as fruit is known to do. While Captain Ruby plays with her dirty pillows, Una sees Eeek eating a kiwi, and becomes stimulated by the fruit eating action. Dr. Moonshine tells us Una’s mind becomes like a man’s mind, and Una moves in for some sex. Some violently aggressive sex, and Una wants to take it by any means necessary. “I think that is wonderful!” says Captain Moonshine. Hold the phone, is Dr. Moonshine advocating lesbian rape? Lesbian rape due to warping Malcolm X quotes? What in the world of Dinosaur Planet is going on here?

Dr. Moonshine is also getting her muff dived by Dr. Ruby, so maybe she’s not quite in her right mind. We jump back and forth between the attempted sex on the planet and the spaceship sex on the spaceship, three minutes each, adding up to six minutes. The Queen cavegirl Eegads throws Una off Eeek, and the two fight. The fight is intercut with a triceratops farting. Yeah. Queen Eegads then goes up to Eeek and then they have sex. Sex that is interrupted by farting dinosaurs. Seriously. A sentence I thought I’d never write, but there it is. Farting, crapping dinosaurs. Dino-diarrhea. Four minutes of sex topped off with dinosaur defecation. Bleh.

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Captain Moonshine is obsessed with rape. “Too bad, I was hoping that she would take into consideration that this girl could be sexually repressed and allow her to gain fulfillment by completely disregarding her actions.” That is the quote of the century, right there.

Eeek needs to go take a crap as well. Please, movie, don’t show her pooping as well! Please, movie, I beg you! BEGGGGGG!!! Thankfully, Eeek runs behind a tree, but not before putting her bikini bottoms on the middle of the forest floor near a big puddle of mud. Queen Eegads and the rest of the Bikini Girls finds the bottoms and assume that Eeek has fallen into the pit, and they get sticks to try and get her out. Eeek returns and laughs at them, because the mud is really crap, and keeps saying “caca”. I’ve seen YouTube videos better than this. Why have I mentioned YouTube twice in this review? Damn YouTube!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

“As disgusting as this display of events may seem, it certainly serves a valid purpose” says Captain Moonshine. Yeah, it pads the film!!! Dr. Moonshine continues by telling us that Eeek thinks she can get away with anything, so the group will retaliate, making an example of her to other mad lesbians. I guess mad lesbians are a common problem on Dinosaur Planet. The lesbians will play a trick on her, then they will all have a big sex-o-thon. The cavegirls throw Eeek into the caca!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

Facefirst and naked, Eeek lands with a splat. She stops moving for a bit, then gets up. Back in the spaceship, Captain Ruby and Dr. Moonshine have stopped paying attention to the action and are just getting it on, Buster and Babs style. Hey, Captain Ruby is pierced! Three minutes of spaceship sex, while down below they take Eeek to get washed off, which quickly turns into a lesbian foursome. Maybe even moresome, as the ending has footage which I am told is from Erotic Survivor, a film I haven’t seen and have no desire to. But at least the mud in that film is probably mud, and not dinosaur crap. Between the sex below and pooping back in on the spaceship, we add five more minutes to the running time before the credits roll, and then the film keeps going and going with the stock shots.

Conclusions by Captain Moonshine: “It was far more fulfilling to be a lesbian cavedweller 2000 years before Christ than a human consumer in the present.” Where to start with that statement? How about I respond by just ending the review! Take that, Dr. Ruby, Doctor of Internet Degrees!

Fun fact: fossilized dinosaur poop is known as coprolite. Fun fact: so is this movie.

Rated 1/10 (A pool of steaming crap)


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 26, 2007 at 12:08 am

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One Million AC/DC (Review)

One Million AC/DC


1969
Starring
Susan Berkely as ???
Gary Ken as ???
Billy Wolf as ???
Sharon Wells as ???
Jack King as ???
Natasha as ???
Directed by Ed De Priest
Written by Ed Wood, Jr!!!! (as Akdon Telmig)

“This film meets requirements set forth in the code of the ADULT FILM PRODUCERS ASSOCIATION.” Too bad it doesn’t meet requirements set forth by GOOD FILMMAKING!

AC/DC is a detestable mess full of repulsive, greasy actors going at it like chimpanzees on Spanish fly. The incomparable One Million AC/DC is on a DVD with The Mighty Gorga, and probably because they both share a common T-Rex puppet used for bad special effects. The puppet, however, is the pinnacle of effects in AC/DC, as opposed to the low point in The Mighty Gorga. They get worse, much worse. The puppet isn’t even used half the time, otherwise it is a static plastic toy tyrannosaurs who moved by a hand just below the fake mountains. Now, bad special effects can be forgiven if there is a good story. There story here is just an excuse to get the cast naked so the audience can get off. Written by Akdon Telmig, who you might know better as Ed Wood, Jr.!!! Yes, after becoming a depressed alcoholic, Ed Wood was forced to write semi-adult films under pseudonyms. Besides this mess, he also wrote the cult classic about a Venus flytrap man The Revenge of Dr. X, which we’ll be reviewing the second we get a hold of a copy. The one redeeming factor on the film’s terrible pun title is you can make jokes about AC/DC songs: “He’s got big balls, And she’s got big balls, But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all” That would get old quick, so we won’t be doing it. The plot is around a tribe of cavepeople, and their sex, orgies, sacrifices, and winemaking. Exciting stuff, and historically accurate, just like the movies The Patriot and Braveheart.

Olaf (???) – Olaf is the hero of this piece, as so far as it has a hero character. Sounding like Peter Graves, Olaf yet retains a Eastern European name despite being one of the few actors without an European accent. He is the man of Marla, and uses the deadly bow and arrow to slay the ferocious T-Rex puppet/toy.
Banger (???) – Banger is the local artist for the tribe, instead of joining in the orgies all he does is just paint pictures, both of orgies and of random other things, including the sisters of fellow tribe members. He’s one of those cavemen stuck in the 1960s. Instead of happy little trees, it’s happy little sleaze. Helps invent the bow and arrow, thanks to drawing it on the wall.
Helga (???) – One day out picking fruit, sweet Helga was captured by The Gorilla, who did her “Gorilla Style” until she couldn’t get enough of his banana. Once you go gorilla you never go back.
The Gorilla (??? in a gorilla suit) – The horniest ape of the Stone Age, The Gorilla can only quench his throbbing thirst for flesh by pinching a local blonde cavegirl and using her for all his crazed apelust needs.
Chief Jabba (???) – I’m not sure the character name for this ode to gluttony, but Chief Jabba fits nicely. The head of our tribe of horny, girl-sacrificing wine drinkers, Chief Jabba doesn’t do much but sit there, look upset, and shout a few words to announce a couple of major scene transitions. Probably ate the original tyrannosaurus special effects, forcing a last minute replacement of a dime store toy.
Marla (???) – Marla is Olaf’s woman, and she no longer wants him to associate with Luga, the evil blonde girl. She forbids Olaf from being with Luga during the Big Orgy. Provides moral support to Olaf in his quest to kill the T-Rex. Luga is less than thrilled with the prospect of losing some man-meat, so they tussle.
The T-Rex (A puppet and a toy) – Last seen in The Mighty Gorga, crappy T-Rex puppet is back, this time to harass some sex-crazed cavepeople! As an added bonus, T-Rex is played in long shots by a immobile toy wiggled by a stagehand. For those of you feeling things couldn’t possibly get worse than the Gorga footage, you are sadly mistaken. T-Rex is killed by Olaf and his bow and arrow.


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 19, 2007 at 11:00 pm

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Teenage Caveman (2002 – Review)


Teenage Caveman


2002
Starring
Andrew Keegan as David
Tara Subkoff as Sarah
Richard Hillman as Neil
Tiffany Limos as Judith
Stephen Jasso as Vincent
Directed by Larry Clark

Larry Clark’s perv-tastic remake of the MST3K fodder original Teenage Caveman does what would be once thought impossible: Makes the original look better. Sure, it’s almost a given that remakes are inferior, but in this case the original was made in what seems like three hours, filming people wandering around a park. This one had a budget that would get you more than a used car, yet it still falls apart. Larry Clark is not known for making science fiction, or horror, or even anything that isn’t depressing films based on teenage kids swearing, doing drugs, and having sex. Why he became the natural choice for Teenage Caveman must be simply no one else was available. Instantly, the movie becomes a Larry Clark-type movie. The teenagers leave and instead of slowly getting killed off by dinosaurs or similar monster, they meet some modern kids in an abandoned city, and start up some sex, drugs, and rock and roll.


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 6, 2005 at 12:06 am

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Turkish Wizard of Oz

Turkish Wizard of Oz

aka Aysecik ve sihirli cüceler rüyalar ülkesinde aka Aysecik and the Bewitched Dwarfs in Dreamland

1971
Starring
Zeynep Degirmencioglu as Aysecik AKA Dorothy
Suleyman Turan as Korkulu AKA Scarecrow
Metin Serezli as Teneke Koruadam AKA Tin Woodman
Suna Selen as Kotu Cadi AKA Wicked Witch of the West
Ali Sen as Korkak Aslan AKA Cowardly Lion
Cemal Konca as The Great Wizard Keskin Zeka

Another Turkish remake??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aysecik ve sihirli cüceler rüyalar ülkesinde

This time, the land of Turks and Keys has brought us a remake of The Wizard of Oz, which is amazingly more faithful to the book at certain points than the big budget Hollywood version. It still manages to veer off into random directions, and is full of insane dancing, a gay scarecrow, and special effects that can be done better by three year olds. The previous Turkish filmsTurkish Exorcist, Turkish Spiderman, Turkish Star Trek, Turkish Star Wars, and Kilink Istanbul’da, have all been a barrel of laughs, horrors, and monkeys. Okay, no monkeys. No monkeys in here, either. Not even the winged variety. Sigh… This film continues the fine Turkish film tradition of making the audience say “What in the Hell?”
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - May 30, 2005 at 4:53 am

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Dinosaurus! (Review)

Dinosaurus!


1960
Starring
Ward Ramsey as Bart Thompson
Kristina Hanson as Betty Piper
Alan Roberts as Julio
Fred Engelberg as Mike Hacker

This relict from the 1950’s type of cinema bursts into the swinging sixties trying the same formula that had worked for 15 years. Unfortunately for them it fails to work. At all. Ward Ramsey is a third rate Peter Graves wanna be. In fact, according to rumor this was supposed to be a Steve McQueen role. Yeah, sure. Bullitt vs. Dinosaurs, that would be entertaining, but the director here couldn’t pull off a paint by numbers picture. Neither could the special effects department, the effects are particularly bad on this film considering the age. If you aren’t Ray Harryhausen don’t even try to pretend you can do his skills. The film tries to cover the cheap effect with terrible comic relief insulting the only interesting character (the caveman) and factors in an annoying island kid, a lazy black guy, a drunk Irishman, a woman who faints underwater, and The White Man saving the day thanks to White Man technology. Yeesh. I will repeat that the kid was annoying as he is terrible. Imagine any of the Kens from the Gamera movies, make him Mexican and named Julio, and you get this kid.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 26, 2005 at 9:48 pm

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