RIP Skinemax!?!

October 10, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Skinemax died of a broken heart. Also rabies. But mostly the broken heart.

Skinemax might be going the way of the dinosaur! Cinemax, that premium network best known for being the place to find late night softcore films, is getting a bit of a rebranding. As far as HBO president of programming Michael Lombardo is concerned, the Skinemax label will be done away with thanks to a plethora of original series. He even wants to terminate the nickname permanently!

Cinemax has seen an increase in original programming lately – including cool series Strike Back, Banshee, and The Girl’s Guide to Depravity. More are on the way, and it’s all part of a push by HBO to define Cinemax with its own brand. Cinemax has basically not done anything, yet somehow still got a large audience. Whether this was due to the softcore programming or something else is not dealt with. But HBO wants to turn Cinemax into another cash cow, so out goes the softcore and in comes the original shows.

Later Lombardo does relent that there will probably still be a bit of softcore. Why there isn’t a dedicated softcore premium channel from Cinemax/HBO I do not know. Cinemax does have a huge selection of softcore on their VOD. With the decline of DVDs and video stores, and the rise of VOD, a lot of traditional movie markets are in flux. Just how things are going to shake out is unknown at this time, but if Cinemax stops buying as many softcore films, there probably just won’t be as many softcore films, because as far as I know, Cinemax is one of the biggest domestic markets (overseas is a whole different ball game!) Other premium channels do have their own collections of softcore, but Cinemax was by far the best known purveyor. The changing shape of watching movies has played havoc with how some studios get profits, and stories I’ve heard lean towards streaming as not guaranteeing anywhere near the old numbers through DVD presales. But things evolve so quickly now, a new way to earn lots of money might show up realtively quickly, and things will get turned on its ear again.

Luckily I still have a whole bag of DVRed softcore flicks I need to get around to writing reviews for, so even if Cinemax gets blasted into the sun, I’ll have some content. But who will weep if we don’t get any more Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Sexual Quest, or Birthday Sex? Me, I will weep. The best part of these articles are the commentors confused that people enjoy softcore films and don’t just want to watch hardcore porn. It’s almost as if they don’t realize that they are completely separate types of cinema. While a bunch of softcore is trash, there are many good softcore films being made that rival mainstream tv with plots and concepts. Some of the work of MRG has been amazing for what issues the films is dealing with in addition to having all the required sex sequences. That is not something I want to go away, and hopefully money and ratings will convince Cinemax to integrate things more and keep softcore healthy. The last thing we need is softcore producing nothing but films like Torchlight Pictures, which were 3 minutes of plot and 70 minutes of boring softcore scenes. Won’t somebody please think of the softcore?

via Variety

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sex Tapes

September 11, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Sex Tapes

2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Eric Lacey

Videos of me? Having sex? On the internet???

Open relationship couples boning left and right while documenting every frame get into trouble when the tapes go missing and the accusations fly. Mainline Releasing drops another Cinemax softcore flick with Sex Tapes, a provocative title while the actual plot is far more dramatic than sensational.

Sex Tapes is another Tina Hawthorne script (who has by far become my favorite softcore script writer, even her wide misses are interesting!), you can expect a lot of talking and relationship issues to come to the surface. As characters stress over the missing sex tapes and their own relationship issues, the arguments get personal and circular, so a lot of the recap portion is just summarizing the arguments. But much of the talking feels real, like you would overhear at a coffeeshop while couples are arguing. Unfortunately, it sometimes feels a bit too real, while other sections are a bit too staged. This all combines with a lack of resolution that makes Sex Tapes disappointing, but an interesting disappointing.

My Sex Tape themed microbrew will bring the beer blogging community to its knees!

Sam and Lisa seem to have the perfect open relationship, they love each other and have gobs of money and are ringleaders and hosts to the other swinging couples. But things aren’t what they seem. Sam is in a secret affair with Alexis, a violation of the trust rules. Lisa suspects something is going on, but doesn’t have proof. Sam is very controlling, his video documentation of all the sex action is part of his need to be in charge of everything, including recording and editing things to perfection. It’s also why he feels he can cheat on Lisa, because Sam can do whatever he wants to do.

Carrie and Tyler argue constantly and have clear trust issues, which is odd because they’re also in open relationship which requires trust. But their fights never last long and always end in them making up. There is also a hint of Carrie having poor self image, which might explain some of the problems. Tyler is more sedentary, spending long portions of the film just sitting on the couch. His passiveness seems like it would cause Tyler to get upset about his lack of action, but that isn’t even discussed.

Alexis and Brent have the most damaged relationship in that their goals are completely opposite. Brent is becoming more important in his law firm and realizes the days of having sex on camera needs to stop. Alexis has no intentions of stopping, nor of stopping her affair with Sam. Brent is unaware of the affair, and seemingly unaware that Alexis has even had sex with anyone else, describing their participation as just watching others have sex while they as a couple have sex. Brent is no saint, he does cheat on Alexis before he has confirmation that she is cheating on him. But the fact his wife disappears for long periods with Sam should be a tip off even the blindest man would get.

With these three couples, the damage is already there, and when tapes go missing and all the secrets and lies get exposed in the open, it is not a pretty sight. Good thing there are Sex Tapes that recorded everything!

These sex tapes are BETA!

	Sam (Jason Sarcinelli) – Intercourse recording aficionado, control freak, and ringleader of a group sex club. Sam and his girl Lisa have an open relationship, but Sam’s arrogance and need to control leads to trouble. Jason Sarcinelli is also in Sexy Assassins and Species III
	Lisa (Angela Nicholas as Angela Davies) – Sam’s loving partner who becomes increasingly suspicious that Sam is having an affair, bolstered by Alexis constantly sniping at her. Angela Davies also appears in Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk
	Carrie (Chanel Preston) – Tyler’s partner who switches from arguing with Tyler to making up with him. Suffers from self-estem issues. Chanel Preston has starred in many films such as Rezervoir Doggs
	Tyler (Sean Juergens) – Carrie’s partner and couch devotee. Looks like Jon Favreau and says “dude” a lot. Sean Juergens also appears in Insatiable Obsession and Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise
	Alexis (Charmane Star) – Brent’s wife and Sam’s lover. Really hates Lisa because she has Sam, and doesn’t seem to like her own husband at all. Charmane Star also appears in Sexual Quest
	Brent (Dennis Harkins) – Lawyer who is getting increasingly nervous about all the sex tape things going on while his career is set to take off. Also unaware his wife is cheating on him. Dennis Harkins has either not acted in anything ever, or he’s using an alias.
	David (Mitchell Steinberg) – Local security guard of the gated community Sam and Carrie live in. Of course he’s the guy who ends up with all the tapes…

Virgin Vaginas lives!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dark Secrets

September 8, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Dark Secrets

2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Barber

That’s not how you tell secrets!

Relationships relationships relationships. And also hot sex. Mainline Releasing drops another cool script from Tina Hawthorne that takes another softcore film on a deep introspective journey to look at the relationships of the people who are its subjects. The dissection is so complete that a major character is a group couples therapist, who helps the various pairings with their issues. Some things can be dealt with, and some relationships aren’t worth saving.

Be warned, audience, Dark Secrets might actually make you think for a bit! Sure, it’s got naked people being nude with each other, but also people talk and learn give and takes of relationships. Thus becoming stronger as they learn to work with each other. Sure, a few of the compromises get simplified to just boning each other, but there is a quota of sex scenes we need to fill here, people!

Two relationships have problems in that both members each have their own little things that need to get ironed out. So the therapy session helps because they have a chance to discuss it, instead of just getting angry and exploding at each other. The group couples therapy would seem to be advantageous because you can see similarities to facets of your own relationship when you hear others talk about theirs. But you might also learn things you don’t really want to know about your friends, so I don’t suggest jumping right into group couples therapy with all your friends. And every group has that one friend’s significant other that everyone hates. Yes, he’s in this film as well.

I hate this painting. HATE!!

David doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the group because he’s said to be older and doesn’t really care for Marisa’s going to school or doing much of anything except living off of him. David always seems to have the right line to compliment all the other girls, but rarely bothers to connect with Marisa. It is apparent to everyone that Marisa is on her last legs in that relationship, fed up with David’s crap and attempts to control things. David ticks off the other guys at therapy with his empty platitudes, coming out at a disadvantage while Marisa becomes more empowered by the sessions. It’s clear that being around other people helps give Marisa confidence, something David isn’t too keen on, as confidence means she won’t be doing what he says. David’s personality is more complicated at first, but by the end of the film he becomes cartoonishly evil. A switch goes off once Marisa becomes free, and David can’t handle it, can’t handle the being out of control. The Dark Secret of David is he’s a violent sociopath!

	Marisa (Jayden Cole) – Young student dating the much older David, who seems like he knows all the answers, but really doesn’t know much, especially about Marisa. But he does know how to be disturbingly violent if Marisa brakes up with him… Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Frankenstein, and Naughty Reunion.
	David (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
	Felicia (Heather Vahn) – Marisa and Bree’s friend, her boyfriend Max spends all his time working on his laptop and being passive aggressive when she tries to drag him to group couples therapy. Felicia is worried about the time Max spends not paying attention to her and her needs. As this is pre-boob job Heather Vahn, it also helps date how long ago this was filmed vs. being released. Heather Vahn also stars in the political thriller Grab and Bind: Heather Vahn, Political Prisoner
	Max (Michael Vegas) – Felicia’s boyfriend who is probably very busy with work right now, though if you are a naked Felicia he can pause a bit to have sex with you. Does not like David. At all. Michael Vegas sweeps the leg in The Karate Kid XXX: A DreamZone Parody.
	Bree (Victoria White) – Marisa and Felicia’s friend who helps convince Marisa to bring David to therapy. Defends some of David’s statements (because they compliment her) though eventually makes up with her boyfriend. This relationship only seems to need therapy because Brian is angry 24/7. Victoria White also appears in Sexual Quest.
	Brian (Richard Lounello) – Bree’s boyfriend. Is constantly angry. About everything. Has HUGE ears. Does not like David. At all. Richard Lounello also appears in Battledogs.
	Dr. Serena Daniels (Kelli McCarty) – Therapist who hosts group couples therapy sessions, which are as exciting as you think they would be to be in. Despite being a trained psychologist, she’s not above having sex with her patients. Let’s hope the California Board of Psychology doesn’t watch this movie! Kelli McCarty is also in The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

How dare you criticize my Naruto/Pokemon slash fic!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Stealth Sex Fiend

September 2, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Stealth Sex Fiend

aka 隱形淫魔之勇擒貴利雙柴 aka Invisible Erotomania

2003
Written and directed by ???

Invisible dudes love reading porn!

People ask me all the time “Tars, why do you watch those terrible cheap foreign softcore films that have no redeeming value and are terrible and bad and terrible? Also, where can I get a copy?” And I like to remind myself and the world that even these terrible terrible films have value. These films say things, show things, and reveal much about relationships and gender roles in their country of origin (as well as what country’s porn is influencing them!) that regular budgeted cinema fails to do. While many of those films operate under a layer of characters and nuance and meaning, some of these softcore flicks are just a stripped-down raw look into their culture. Many are terrible because they have no money, but also because they show things that are terrible. I’m not saying that The Stealth Sex Fiend has some sort of double-secret true meaning of life, or that watching smut will change the world. But it might just make someone understand things somewhere a tiny bit more. And that’s not so bad, is it?

What do you do when you want to make a movie starring some ugly dude going invisible and getting his rape on when you got no money? You have him wear a goofy purple bodysuit and give it wavy effects! Sure, it doesn’t work at all, but you do have one of the creepiest softcore sex scenes ever.

Suddenly a Fringe Festival breaks out!

Okay, I’ll level with you, I watched this only because I heard the effects for the invisibility were ridiculous, and I was not disappointed. Imagine a guy in a purple bodysuit and some video toasters swirly effects that try to make it look all Predator-vision. Even though Predator-vision makes no sense for how someone is invisible. The only half-way decent thing that happened in this film was the ending, which will be spoiled, because if anyone cares what happens at the end of The Stealth Sex Fiend, then you deserve to be launched into the sun.

Our Hero (in that he heroically turns invisible to rape women while his girlfriend is kidnapped) is murdered by said kidnapped girlfriend in retaliation for him abandoning her. As Our Hero was a disgusting idiot, it is a joyous thing to watch him be killified dead. A happy ending that we deserved for sitting through this junk.

Who would have thought Predator vs.The Blue Man Group would be so boring?

The Stealth Sex Fiend is a film that it’s hard to find any real information on in English. Everything is the same two-three copy/pasted synopses that don’t even agree on the English name of the title, and even the HKMDB has not bothered giving an entry. It’s a film that people would rather be forgotten, a film that is just terrible and depicts terrible acts. A film that turned on its own main character. Back when nudie cutie films were first being shown, there was a subgenre known as roughies, which featured the nudity but also people being killed. The situation was that because they couldn’t show sexual release, the release of all the pent up feelings of the audience was depicted by characters being killed. The Stealth Sex Fiend inadvertently follows this point in a modified manner, the pent up terribleness becomes a force that has to be unleashed, killing the main character, otherwise people would just go bonkers. I’m talking end of the world scenario here. The Stealth Sex Fiend both inadvertently caused and then prevented the end of us all. It is one of those scary things that no one will ever know about except a few brave souls who watched a terrible movie about a invisible rapist who was really purple.

We can’t find a reliable cast list, and you better believe there wasn’t any subtitles. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

I will give the women in this movie credit: They do keep clean!

	Guy (???) – Our hero, to ugly and lazy to get a job, but not to buy weirdo sex pills from a shady guy. Doesn’t really care for his girlfriend.
	Invisible Guy (???) – He’s invisible! I certainly can’t see him, and neither can you. Invisibility gives him the boldness to do things he wouldn’t do if he wasn’t in a purple bodysuit. I mean, if he wasn’t invisible. Because he’s totally invisible.
	Sui-Fong (???) – The girlfriend of the main character, she spends most of her time either working out or being kidnapped. Is not fond of being left at the kidnappers’ place by a jerk boyfriend.
	Narrator (???) – Narrates out story and sells weirdo sex pills to the main character, thus propelling the story forward. Was this whole movie just an elaborate ruse for Narrator to kill of the main character and collect a life insurance policy? I have no proof, but I say yes!

Somehow I don’t think this is the guy’s apartment…

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

August 11, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

2003?
Written and directed by Jean-Jacques Lamore (pretty sure this is Alain Siritzky)
Loosely based on a character created by Emmanuelle Arsan

A rubdown is needed after enduring a lecture about all the various Emmanuelle series…

Every few years that is a new Emmanuelle series, each iteration becoming more and more removed from the source novel and films to the point where the only connection is the name. Emmanuelle has had all sorts of adventures all over the world (and like all good franchises, she both went to space and fought Dracula!) As it can get time consuming and expensive to track down all copies of all the Emmanuelle series, it’s often more efficient to just pick one to represent the whole group. Especially since the guy who has been churning out Emmanuelle series (and other similar softcore series), Alain Siritzky, sometimes makes the films so they can be edited into either half hour episodes or full movies.

Each Emmanuelle series has their own star as Emmanuelle. The original Emmanuelle was Sylvia Kristel, who was in four of the original Emmanuelle films and played an older Emmanuelle in at least on television series. Prior Emmanuelle series include the Emmanuelle 2000 run, which starred Holly Sampson as Emmanuelle (and we reviewed sample film Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise). The most famous series among cable aficionados are the Emmanuelle In Space films, which starred future Baywatch actress Krista Allen. The most recent series starred Allie Haze (as Brittany Joy), but you can rest assured that Emmanuelle will never die.

Natasja Vermeer played Emmanuelle in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, of which Emmanuelle: Sex Talk is a member. Emmanuelle has been played as a brilliant super charismatic well-connected hero who swooped in to solve the problems of whichever couples were nearby. This Emmanuelle is less of a genius who solves problems, but she’s still considered the center of attention. We know this more because the film tells us, instead of us seeing it in action. From the way I explained it, you can tell that she doesn’t come off as very knowledgeable at all. In fact, Emmanuelle becomes more of a mystery as to why anyone even knows her. This is not helped by the subplot of giving Emmanuelle a mystery of her own to figure out (and I will freely admit it may be hurting the attempts to make her appear smart in my eyes.)

Another Emmanuelle history lesson victim!

The Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series of Emmanuelle films are filled with vignettes that are told either by flashback, or by radio callers who tell them to Brittany O’Dell. These are scenes that have no connection to the film aside from sporadic narration, and were filmed with a different style of digital camera. The look of the actors and the lack of any spoken words leads me to believe the scenes are from overseas somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know if they were filmed specifically for the Emmanuelle films or were something the production company acquired and threw in to save some dough. I do know that they were rather weird. Something about them were just off, I can’t really explain it.

Natasja Vermeer recorded some of the songs that were used in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, for those of you who are soundtrack trivia buffs.

	Emmanuelle (Natasja Vermeer) – Never fear, Emmanuelle is here, and things are about to get sexy. Emmanuelle is on a journey for stuff to happen around her, and also she gets a mysterious letter and random sex nymphs visit her, but beyond that, much of the action happens outside of Emmanuelle’s worldview.
	Brittany O’Dell (Angela Nicholas as Angela Davies) – Radio host who has a deranged stalker, which is somehow sexy and not incredibly disturbing. And she’s friend with Emmanuelle.
	Lisa (Valerie Baber) – Emmanuelle’s massage partner (and more!) whose boyfriend wants to have a threesome. That eventually happens. Valerie Baber is now an author and sex journalist

Wait, HOW many different Emmanuelle films???

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Housewives from Another World

July 29, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Housewives from Another World

2010
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Yes, it is all so clear now how Honey Boo-Boo is a good show.

It’s been far too long. We need an application of Fred Olen Ray, STAT! Thankfully, Housewives From Another World is here to deliver us from the torment, the torment of not seeing one of Ray’s bikiniverse films on TarsTarkas.NET recently. Don’t laugh, this is a recognized medical condition. In that I edited it into a Wikipedia article on medical conditions before I was banned for “trolling”. But how is spreading knowledge trolling? Wikipedia is the true monster.

Housewives From Another World features invading aliens who possess some local women in hopes of sabotaging a satellite launch to prevent a war that ends up destroying their species. These women never regain control of their bodies, and are essentially dead. The aliens would declare that it’s all in the name of saving countless lives. So a moral choice is presented: Is it worth killing a few innocent people in order to prevent a genocide? Obviously, the aliens have made their choice. But did they really have to kill the women as they gain control of their bodies? And why not just gain control of Max, the designer of the satellite, and use his knowledge to sabotage all chances of it being launched?

Oh, great, someone wake up Bruce Willis…

It’s also interesting so see that the aliens travel back in time to Earth, instead of going to warn their own people to get them prepared. Or maybe they do, we just don’t see those characters. After all, some of the alien women leave at the end (with Max), and they must be going somewhere. The aliens may have advanced technology, but they have dubious planning skills (unless their technology only allows them to travel to Earth in the past!) and who knows what their time meddling may have done to history. Technology from the satellite may have saved the galaxy at some point, but the whole thing is tossed to save their skins. And let’s not even talk about how this would be a minor setback at best, human technology can easily catch up and eclipse the work of one man. Though that might mean the time sequence to discovery and war is very quick, perhaps enough that they will be able to develop defenses (heck, there might even be a Team B that is warning their own homeworld!) or even arming their own side, who may come to conquer Earth instead.

These ethical and mysterious quandaries add intrigue to Housewives From Another World. Also there are naked people who have sex.

Cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night

	Max (Frankie Cullen) – Works on the Orion Deep Space Satellite when he’s not cheating on his wife, Karen. Is the best worker in the program, and the boss constantly talks about how cool his is.
	Karen (Heather Vandeven) – Max’s loving wife, who is less than loving when she finds he’s been cheating around. Finds a meteor crater in a drunken stupor and is taken over by aliens from a distant world who are working to sabotage the Orion Deep Space Satellite to save countless lives.
	Carla (Christine Nguyen) – Fellow worker on the Orion satellite, but she’s nowhere near as good at her job as Max. Dreamy Max… But at least she’s better than Tom! Gets meteored last of the three female characters.
	Rita (Rebecca Love) – Unbright neighbor to Max and Rita, easily convinced to hop into bed with Max. Gets meteored and suddenly is much smarter. Because she’s an alien, and not Rita.
	Tom (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh. This guy.
	Mr. Roberts (Ted Newsom) – Boss at the satellite company, he really rides his employees to do their all, but only Max is good enough to get anything done.
	Undercover Agent (Ron Ford) – This totally cool looking guy who is trying to buy the satellite plans off of Tom for suitcases of cash is definitely not an undercover agent for the FBI.

This is the only shower in all of LA!

	The Actual Weirdest Giant Monster Movies Ever Made
	Superman (Telugu)
	The 113 Must See Flicks From the American Film Market 2013
	Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot
	March of Godzilla Island
	Let the Bullets Fly
	I Married a Monster From Outer Space
	“They Look Like They Make Sense, Don’t They?” – A Reassessment of Prometheus
	James Band 007