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Hot T-Shirts
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Hot T-Shirts (Review)

June 11, 2010By

Hot T-Shirts


1980
Directed by Chuck Vincent
Written by Chuck Vincent and Bill Slobodian

Hot T-Shirts may have soaked into the world in 1980, but it is pure 1970’s. The soundtrack is all disco, all the time. We got disco clubs, disco songs, and montages with disco themes. You cannot escape the disco. The plot of the film, as much as there is on, is that a guy runs wet t-shirt contests to drum up business in his failing bar. Sure, there are minor subplots involving the city vs. a local college and censorship problems, but most of them dissolve away as the film gets to the main plot, girls in wet t-shirts.

Hot T-Shirts seems custom made for the drive-in circuit, coming out a few years before the VCR revolution swept across America and moved the location where millions of Americans viewed softcore films. Part of a pack of former drive in films that aren’t available on DVD (that I know of) that I acquired in trade, but as it is the only one not sealed deep away in a box at the moment, it will be the first one up.

The cast is largely people who did little acting work and went on to do no more acting. The only one I found who went on to other things was Corinne Wahl, who played a character I don’t remember (probably one of the wet t-shirt contestants.) She was a Penthouse Pet and later went on to be a Penthouse Pet again and the Penthouse Pet of the Year and got all the honors and benefits that go with that. There is also some interesting information about the director, Chuck Vincent. Chuck Vincent was a writer/director/producer/editor, which many low-budget filmmakers are out of necessity. His production company Platinum Pictures churned out a lot of hardcore films through the 70s and early 80s including on called Sex Crimes 2084 which must be awesome. His softcore fare aside from Hot T-Shirts included Summer Camp, Hollywood Hot Tubs, and Warrior Queen. He died of AIDS in 1991 at the age of 51.

The soundtrack is a bunch of disco songs mostly performed by the same artist. There is more disco in Hot T-Shirts than in Disco Stu’s garage. I don’t know what that comparison means, except to say there is a lot of disco. The opening song declares “My body is wet!” which is probably as close as we are going to get to a Hot T-Shirts Theme Song.

Joe (Ray Holland) – Owner of a bar that is failing…until he gets the idea to exploit women! Then all his money problems are solved and his girl decides to marry him. The lesson is: Exploit Women!
Charlie (Glenn Mure) – Charlie runs a junk place with his dad, so the college girls all hate him because he’s a business owner and not a trust fund baby majoring in goofing off. He manages to get the head cheerleader Charlotte due to the fact that he needed some sort of story arc.
June (Stephanie Lawlor) – Girlfriend of Joe, and professor at the local college. She won’t marry Joe, because. She also coaches the cheerleading squad. I don’t know what college department she teaches in.
Charlotte (Laura Osment) – Head cheerleader at the college. She ends up with Charlie at the end of the film after his aggressive pursuit campaign of being sleazy. Leads her girls to wet T-shirt victory.
Violet (Pauline Rose) – One of Joe’s employees who cannot keep her legs together even if you stapled them.
Pops (Nathan Tamarin) – The bartender at Joe’s who is awesome, too bad Nathan Tamarin never did anything else except be awesome in Hot T-Shirts. That should be on his tombstone, but his tombstone probably has some garbage about being a loving husband and father and other boring junk on it. Spice it up, people!

Kinky Kong
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Kinky Kong (Review)

December 5, 2009By

Kinky Kong


2006
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema vs. King Kong! It is a softcore King Kong erotic parody that actually does a good job of following the plot of King Kong. It was much more close than I was expecting, which was a great surprise. Seduction Cinema does put out a lot of garbage, but there are many jewels in the rough, and I am happy to report this is one of them. Kinky Kong was filmed after Misty Mundae left to pursue other options, so she won’t be joining us, though other Seduction Cinema regulars are present. John Bacchus and Seduction Cinema have a rich history of ultra-low budget softcore produtions, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the group, you have a lot of catching up to do. Try our reviews of That 70’s Girl, Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet, or Vampire Vixens to get acquainted with the production company. Then consult your local library. After you get kicked out of the library, consult your local internet. Just be sure to turn off the safe-search function.

This is not the first erotic King Kong film. Ignoring all those movies where girls just bone normal sized apes (a surprising amount of films, by the way) there are actual King Kong hardcore porns. The most famous is 1985’s King Dong, directed by Yancy Hendrieth and starring Crystal Holland.

Normally the Seduction Cinema sex scenes are incredibly long, to the point where I just list the time instead of mentioning the action. Someone must have set some standards, as now most of the sex scenes are exactly four minutes long. This ruins my time counting gimmick, so I guess I’ll have to go watch some of their older films to go back to that fun. Oh, well. Let me find my DVD of Playmate of the Apes…

Seymoure Ass (John Fedele) – The director who has the idea for their madcap adventure. Super flatulent, and has a ridiculous 1920s Brooklyn accent throughout the film.
Fannie Sparrow (Sabrina Faire) – Fannie Sparrow is the Ann Darrow, the girl Seymoure saves from shoplifting to star in his own film set on an island where there is a giant ape.
Charlina (Darian Caine) – This tough girl is the cook on the ship and also a lesbian extrodanaire. She knows that every situation can be solved with some lesbian sex. And she is right. See Darian Caine in Batbabe if you dare…
Brunhilda Patel (AJ Khan) – One of the native girls on the island who was starring in her own movie, and becomes one of Kinky Kong’s objects of affection. Another lesbian because you can’t have too many lesbians. See AJ Khan in Vampire Vixens and That 70’s Girl.
Jack Friskell (Duane Polcou) – John Driscoll is no hero now, instead being a sailor who is distrustful of women. So much he plays for the other team. Is in love with Kinky Kong, but Kong spurs his advances.
Kinky Kong (Dan Schwab) – He’s kinky. He’s kooky. He’s all together Kongy. He’s Kinky Kong, and he’s got a diaper full of love for every girl on the planet! No one can measure up to Kong, literally! Trapped on Bone Island, Kinky Kong is soon set free in New York City where the opportunities to live up to his given name are endless!
T-Rex (CGI and a rubber mask) – This Tyrannosaurus looks like he has a couple of branches missing from his family tree! His bad vibes almost ruin a perfectly good bout of lesbian sex, so Kinky Kong is forced to administer jungle law to keep the T-Rex from ruining everything. Kinky Kong is successful.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bikini Royale (Review)

September 9, 2009By

Bikini Royale


2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Royale

Bikini Royale is a sequel to The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., which I haven’t seen, but that isn’t necessary to follow the plot here. As you have probably guessed, this is a riff on spy films such as James Bond. Riffing on Bond seems to be just as profitable as doing the actual Bond films, and there continues to be Bond sendups created year after year.
Bikini Royale

This is a Fred Olen Ray softcore bikini erotic parody, so it gives you what you expect for an entry in that genre: sex scenes, humor, general entertainment, familiar actors, familiar songs during the sex, and familiar locations. Previous TarsTarkas.NET reviews of Fred Olen Ray Bikini films include: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, and Bikini Airways.
Bikini Royale

Tanya X (Beverly Lynne) – Secret Agent Tanya X is the best agent in B.I.K.I.N.I.. And also the hottest. And possibly the only agent, because she’s the only one we ever see. She gets her man and gets it on, often with said man, other men, and other women. No word on if Tanya X is the daughter of Malcolm X.
Corrine (Nicole Sheridan) – Evil mistress of Parker Savage who works for Dr. Nyet and distrusts interior designers. Ruthless and efficient. Has a fondness for black bodysuits.
Parker Savage (Evan Stone) – Parker Savage heads Parker Savage Industries, and is very successful despite being very clueless. His brother is a doctor.
Sophie (Christine Nguyen) – Sophie is a professional poker player and card counter brought in by Mark Tenn to assist with learning how to lose effectively at poker. She ends up losing her clothes and getting involved in a threesome, because that’s what happens in these movies.
Mark Tenn (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – CIA agent and former partner of Tanya X in her previous outing. Mark Tenn and her have an adversarial relationship despite their numerous onscreen couplings. Mark Tenn has x-ray contacts, but they still don’t make him look any better in lipstick.
Dr. Nyet (Monique Parent) – Dr. Nyet died in the last film, except she didn’t and we explain that later. She is evil and behind the whole plot to sell missile plans or something. And she has lesbian sex. That’s far more important than the plot.
Mr. Whately (Ted Monte) – Head of B.I.K.I.N.I. and a quintuple agent, or something.
Photo Lady (Syren) – Target of Tanya X’s spying, the Photo Lady assumes it has something to do with her impending divorce and fails to realize her stolen microchip is the real target. Likes showers, photography, and sealing things.
Tang (Charlie Laine) – Dr. Nyet’s assistant who gets some physical rewards for her activities. Has visited the moon with the astronauts.
Newton (Ted Newsom) – Newton is the Q of B.I.K.I.N.I. and provides all the fun gadgets. For some reason Tanya X and Newton don’t seem to like each other much, but isn’t explained, maybe in the previous film.

Bikini Royale

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Cleavagefield (Review)

June 28, 2009By

Cleavagefield


2009
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Salvadore Ross)

Yes, this is an erotic parody of Cloverfield, and it follows most of the plot to the nines. It is complete with random shots of other days, and most of the film is a first person hand held camera. Since the film isn’t entirely taking itself seriously, there are a few instances of breaking the fourth wall. The film occasionally breaks into shots of Tom’s visit to Hawaii where there are two blonde girls (Davina Murphy and Dallas Lowe) that just ended up being annoying, so I fast forwarded through those parts.

Cleavagefield is a humor movie, so don’t expect cool monster sequences and military fights. Expect naked chicks and a monster strolling along every once in a while. The origin of the film is interesting, it started out as a joke on the Retromedia Message Boards and people got interested. Thus, the joke became reality. It was originally joked under the title Chestyfield, for those of you who are interested. At this time there is scant information about the cast online, and due to the fact I am not as knowledgeable about some of these actresses as I should be, I don’t know what other names some of them are probably better known as (Brandee Schaefer in particular) I tried, that is all I can say.

Maggie Daniels (Brandee Schaefer) – Maggie is a good mother to her chihuahua and willing to go to any lengths to get her back. Even braving a giant monster is no challenge.
Vicki Conners (Amy Ried) – Vicki Conners is the most famous stripper in the film, she will be headlining clubs in Asia, one of the few people who will go to Japan to get away from a giant monster! Amy Ried has starred in such fine pornographic fare as Leztravaganza!, The Boobs of Hazzard, and Cum in My Ass Not in My Mouth 5.
Carla (Rebecca Love) – Carla is all about the debriefing. Rebecca Love was seen her previously in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini and Bewitched Housewives, so read those if you want more on her.
Debbie (Lucia Santos) – Debbie is the girl who knows how to operate the TV remote. Yep. She also manages to get attacked by one of Junior’s pets. Her preening for the camera reminds me of Vanessa Hudgens. Lucia Santos is an actress of the adult variety, and was in The Da Vinci Coed.
Tom Warner (Frankie Cullen) – Our cameraman who will give sarcastic jokes throughout the film. At various times he leaves to join in the action himself. Frankie Cullen was in Bikini Airways.
Fifi (herself) – Maggie’s dog who likes to watch. Is a practical joker and watches TV. Fifi is more developed as a character than any other cast member.
Junior (CGI – credited as Guy Green!) – The Cleavagefield monster! He’s green, he’s mean, he’s got a big belly. Junior tramples around downtown LA because that’s what he does. Has snot attacks and is impervious to all weapons. Please ignore how he looks like a monster from the old Superman cartoons.
Junior’s pets (CGI) – Junior is crawling with some flying lobster monsters that were dubbed his pets. One of them tries to make dinner out of Debbie. At one point these were going to be moth-mites and chew off people’s clothes.

Bewitched Housewives
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bewitched Housewives (Review)

May 6, 2009By

Bewitched Housewives


2007
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Bewitched Housewives is a take off of Bewitched except as a softcore flick. As a Bewitched movie came out around the same time, that may have been the inspiration for the script getting made. This is not the only Retromedia take off of old TV shows as erotic entertainment, Erotic Genie being another example. I would rather these old shows get made as parody softcore flicks instead of terrible big budget films that bomb at the box office.

The TV series Bewitched actually spawned three Turkish movies, one of which was Tatli Cadi (The Sweet Sorceress), and it was followed by the sequel Tatli Cadi’nin Maceralari (The Adventures of the Sweet Sorceress). Minik Cadi (The Cute Witch) turned the main star into a little girl and went cute, in contrast to the Sweet Sorceress films which tended to emphasize women in skimpy clothes. I am sure we are all familiar with the remake with Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman, so let’s leave well enough alone.

As we’ve done a whole bunch of these Fred Olen Ray bikini films, I’ll just list them all here instead of over and over again in the Roll Call: Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, and Bikini Airways. Yes, more will be on here soon!

Mary Corwin (Beverly Lynne) – A fan of big, throbbing vegatables, Mary Corwin is whisked away from certain death at the hands of witch hunters to modern day LA where she has a husband, friends, and corporate espionage intrigue… Beverly Lynne is a pretty big star in these Skinimax softcore films, but those of you who got here by Googling her name already know that.
Angelique (Nicole Sheridan) – Angelique is a member of the Sisterhood of Witches and spends her time rescuing persecuted witches back in time and taking them to modern times. Nicole Sheridan is in almost every Bikini movie made this decade, also stars in adult films, and runs her own website. Plus she’s married to Voodoo. Check out her wonderfully titled films If the Balls Fit, Suck ‘Em!, The Adventures of O-Girl Trapped in Time, and Eruptions: Pink’s My Favorite Color.
Derek Simmons (Brad Bartram) – Ad agency man who becomes the set up husband for rescued witch Mary Corwin. Brad Bartram has a large contingent of fans of the search engine referrals are to be believed.
Barry (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – Barry is Derek’s coworker, and is jealous because Derek comes up with all the cool ideas. Martin’s plan is to steal Derek’s latest idea, which would have worked had Derek bothered to write any of it down (which must make powerpoint presentations interesting!) Barry is played by Alexandre Boisvert, who continues his policy of making goofy faces and being hilarious.
Linda (Rebecca Love) – Barry’s girl and his point woman for Operation Steal Derek’s Ideas. Spends most of her time rummaging though underwear drawers and having sex with Derek to cover her tracks. Adult actress Rebecca Love is also featured in the finely titled films Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre, When Things Get Rough She Gets Filthy, and Itty Bitty Cheerleaders vs. the Big Boob Squad 2.
Martin (Evan Stone) – Martin is Angelique’s wife, and is one of the few roles where Evan Stone plays a more subdued, normal guy. He can’t always be in elevator shoes with goggles and giant gloves and named Kronkor.
Brother Hopkins (Ted Newsom) – A Witch Hunter who tracks down those who would dare use magic, even though one of his tools looks to be magic. Not adverse to traveling to the future to track down his prey. Occasionally yields to temptation.
Mr. Beatty (Don Donaldson) – Derek’s boss at the ad agency. Don Donaldson is barely in this movie, but has larger roles in a few of the other films.
Jailer (Eric Spudic) – The Jailer shows up at the end to assign Brother Hopkins (now Sister Hopkins) his (her) fate. Eric Spudic was also in The Ghost in the Teeny Bikini. If you are in Van Nuys, visit Spudic’s Movie Empire!

Erotic Ghost Story
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Erotic Ghost Story (Review)

January 31, 2009By

Erotic Ghost Story

aka Liao zhai yan tan

1987
Directed by Ngai Kai Lam
Written by Chang Kwan

Erotic Ghost Story is a classic Hong Kong Cat III film, it is the second most popular with only Sex and Zen being a greater influence to Cat III erotic films. Part of what made Sex and Zen so classic was previewed here, including one of the stars.

The film has its origins as a tale from Liaozhai Zhiyi aka Strange Stories from a Chinese Studio aka Strange Tales of Liaozhai, written by Pu Songling (1640-1715) during the early Qing Dynasty. This is a collection of 431 stories written in classical Chinese (not the usual form for the time.) The earliest existing printed version dates to 1766, but it may have been published earlier. Pu Songling was a former scholar himself, which may explain why a scholar becomes the central figure of some many of his tales. Stories from Liao zhai Zhiyi have inspired countless Chinese films and television shows. Painted Skin, Tsui Hark’s A Chinese Ghost Story, and several TV shows with fox spirits. You can read many of the translated tales here. Many stories are short, as what was important was the emotional response, not the details.

The three main characters are fox spirits who are trying to become human. This can be accomplished by meditation and prayer, but takes hundreds of years. If they deviate from their path, they will revert back into animals.

Erotic Ghost Story‘s Chinese title is Liao zhai yan tan, which betrays its origin as coming from the Liao Zhai stories. It is a highly eroticized version of the tales, and many other movies and shows reference the work by having Liao zhai or liu chai or liu jai in their Chinese titles. The Witches of Eastwick is largely listed as another inspiration of Erotic Ghost Story, and it got another lucky strike as A Chinese Ghost Story was released the same year. A Chinese Ghost Story had made ghost lover stories incredibly popular. Add that to the fact that Erotic Ghost Story is very well made despite its role as an exploitation film, and you have a recipe for success that made Erotic Ghost Story a classic film that has several sequels and imitators. Maybe we will get to a few of them someday.

Another important factor in the success of Erotic Ghost Story was the presence of Amy Yip Ji-Mei. Amy Yip (aka The Yipster) was at one point the most popular sex symbol in Hong Kong cinema, and pretty much any book you read on Hong Kong cinema written from the mid-1980s to the late 1990s will have at least one chapter dedicated to her. Some authors were disturbingly obsessed with her, but creepy movie books is a subject for another article. She was propelled to stardom with this film, and to super-stardom after Sex and Zen. Amy Yip’s claim to fame was her gigantic rack, and her ability to keep from showing the essential elements of said rack. This was called her “Yip tease”. She revealed things only once, in Sex and Zen, and this was rumored to be because one of the producers was a triad gangster who threatened her. Like most Chinese actresses, she retired and dropped off the face of the Earth after a few years. So let’s meet her and the rest of the cast:

Hua-Hua (Amy Yip Ji-Mei) – Her name is Hua-Hua in subtitles, but Fa-Fa is what is spoken in the Cantonese version. I will be using the subtitle names for everyone, which I believe is derived from the Mandarin names. Oh, well. Played by Amy Yip, Hua-Hua is the middle sister, and her color of choice is purple.
Pai So-So (Man Siu) – So-So is the average one. Okay, now we go the obvious joke out of the way, let’s then reveal that So-So is the oldest sister. She helps guide her two younger sisters in their quest to evolve from fox spirits to human beings. At age 50, foxes can choose to become human or spirits. I bet you didn’t know that. Well, Chinese mythology knows it, so you better buy the Cliff Notes! Her color of choice is pink.
Fei-Fei (Kudo Hitomi) – The youngest of the three sisters and the most easily given to temptation. Sister number three is also the most exposed of the three. Kudo Hitomi seemed to vanish after this role, but I suspect she was a Japanese AV star that I just can’t find any information on because everything focuses on newer actresses. Her color of choice is Lime Green.
Scholar Wu Ming (Tan Lap-Man) – A shy scholar who is also a ladies man and lothario. He gets chased by bandits at one point, and has a terrible, terrible secret….
Wutung (Tan Lap-Man) – This demon is the true form of Wu Ming. Let that be a less to you: All scholars are secretly demonic monsters. The next time you see a scholar beat him upside the head with his books. Wutung is the God of Carnal Desire. He has no clan as far as I know.
Hsuan Kuei (Lam Chung) – A taoist priest who recognize the girls for what they are, and helps them defeat wutung. Lam Chung usually plays sleazy characters in films, so this turn as a Taoist priest is a departure. He will fill the role of Lam Ching Ying for this film.

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