Bratz Babyz (Review)

Bratz Babyz

Directed by Davis Doi
Written by John Doolittle


No, no… NOOO! Not more Bratz movies! Okay, the live action one wasn’t terrible, but the cartoon ones are simply awful. And now we have them in Muppet Babies form! Yes, instead of teenage girls dressing as slores with giant eyes, now we have two year olds dressing as slores with giant eyes. What wonderful toys for your young daughters!

We need an update as to the status of The Bratz toyline since out other two reviews. Bratz was the center of a lawsuit where Mattel filed suit against MGA for infringement claiming the Bratz concept was developed by employees of Mattel who were still working at Mattel at the time. Mattel eventually won, and it was announced that the Bratz line would be pulled from store shelves after the Christmas 2008 season (the ruling was appealed and the Bratz line will be on shelves at least through 2009.) In 2009, Mattel came out with the Moxie Girlz line, which is an attempt to replace the Bratz. But then more lawyers showed up as artist Bernard “Butch” Belair declared the Bratz design was stolen from him and he sued both Mattel and MGA. Bernard “Butch” Belair claims to be from Brooklyn, NY, but I have it on good authority he is from West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days…

The Bratz Babyz line was brought in as part of the Bratz strategy of flooding the market with everything Bratz in order to suck up every last cent from Mommy’s pocketbook. Bratz Babyz were epecially designed to hook young girls before they can even form complete sentences into the world of Bratz. They also were the target of several criticisms over the Bratz Babyz toys, including the “Babyz Night Out” fashion pack, the “Brattoo Parlor” playset (where your three-year-old can give herself a tramp stamp tattoo!), and the Big Babyz toys wearing what looks like thongs (but is just some plastic molding designed to prevent their skirts from riding up.)

This was the first Bratz Babyz movie, followed later by Bratz Super-Babyz, where the babies are superheroes.

Hey, that stuff was far too serious! How many of you were truely interested in the history of the Bratz Babyz franchise? Really? Well, all of you are freaks.

Bratz Babiez does us the disservice of not saying who voiced who in the credits. It’s like they are mocking me, personally. Damn you, Bratz Babiez!

Yasmin (Maryke Hendrikse) – The Latina Bratz who is the peacemaker of the group.
Cloe (???) – The blonde and default leader of the Bratz Babiez. Constantly comes up with schemes to try to make money to rescue the lost puppy, but they all blow up in her face.
Sasha (???) – Sasha is the Black Bratz who is sassy because all Black women are sassy, or so say stereotypes in movies.
Jade (???) – Jade is the Asian Bratz because we needed another ethnic group.
Nora (???) – Nora is the timid twin who loses Snappy because she is timid. Learn some self-respect, girl, or you will be working at a truck stop later in life.
Nita (???) – Nita is the mean twin who blames everything on Nora, who is too timid to stand up for herself.
Duane (???) – The evil Duane has a small brain but loves to pick on two year olds. He finds Snappy and demands $50 for the puppy’s return, thus causing the rest of the film to happen.

Is it sad I know these four main characters without cheating by now? They all have a pet or something, including Cloe’s pig with wings, Yasmin’s frog, Jade’s cat, and Sasha’s rabbit.

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The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man (Review)

The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man

Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky

An out of work actor becomes invisible, and erotic hijinks ensue in the butterscotch-scented Erotic misadventures of the Invisible Man. Based on comic books by Milo Manara entitled Butterscotch, they were made into six films with three directors (two films each, possibly to be divided up into half-hour segments.) The only one released at the time of this writing is Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man, so that’s the one we are doing. Two versions of the film exist, the unrated version we are going through, and an R-rated version with added footage from the other, unreleased companion film Rolfe directed. Director Rolfe Kanefsky was previously encountered here with Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise, another skinimax movie which was made from what was intended to be half-hour shows. The concept of an invisible man has been used in dozens of films, and originated in popular science fiction form with HG Wells’s 1897 novel.

Norman Parent (Scott Coppola) – He’s invisible, he’s a man, he’s the invisible man! Sure he’s not the crazy HG Wells/Claude Rains type, or even the Ralph Ellison type, but just an out of work actor who is down on his luck. One freak accident later and he’s invisible, but has a new girl and goes on ghost-hunting adventures, when he’s not having invisible sex with non-invisible girls.
Kelli Parkinson (Gabriella Hall) – Actress Kelli Parkinson is your typical actress trying to make it big, despite having to deal with a sleazy agent. She lives with a psychic who specializes in sex spells, and is currently dating an invisible man by the name of Norman. Just your average Hollywood biography. Gabriella Hall was previously seen here in Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise.
Paul (Craig Peck) – Norman’s friend and amateur special effects guru. Another struggling actor who also takes catering jobs on the side. He doesn’t have any erotic misadventures.
Robert Bull (Doug Merril) – Robert Bull is a sleazy agent who thinks he has the perfect part for his female clients. Kelli Parkinson would disagree, but fellow client Becky Lovey has no qualms with auditioning on the couch, or even in the basement as the case was here. Also becomes invisible, but is foiled on his revenge plot against Kelli by Norman.
Becky Lovey (Stacey Leigh Mobley) – Another aspiring actress, who has no qualms on being naked or having sex with her agent. Also has sex with her European model friend. Doesn’t seem to do any acting, though. Hmmm…. Stacey Leigh Mobley is better known as porn star Holly Hollywood where she has over a hundred movies, pictures of which are easily found on Google.
Madam Nirvana (Kim Dawson) – All in all is all we all are, except Madam Nirvana, as she is also a sex psychic. Don’t ask, just agree, especially since sex psychic involves potion making and ghost hunting. She smells like teen spirit in her heart shaped box, so come as you are and accept all apologies. Yes, I deserve to die for all those song title jokes I crammed in there.
The Duck (Joey Chang) – A running gag through the last part of the film involves a duck coming into a bar repeatedly asking if they have grapes. This is an actual joke and we added a copy of it to the end of the review. The duck is played by a real person, and this is his only role on IMDB. His parents are proud.

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Ninja Academy (Review)

Ninja Academy

Will Egan as Josh
Gerald Okamura as Chiba
Kelly Randall as Gail
Seth Foster as Addleman!!!!!
Jeff Robinson as The Damned Mime
Directed by Nico Mastorakis!

Nico Mastorakis is back, this time with a new horror: Police Academy meets Enter the Ninja. The concept is just as bad as it sounds, in fact it’s even worse, as Nico Mastorakis is at the helm. Our previous encounters with Mr. Mastorakis include Glitch! and .com for Murder, though this is the first film I ever saw of his. This film also has one other aspect that earned Nico my ire for the rest of my days. Seth Foster plays a character named Addleman. As an Addleman, I was at first thrilled to see that there was a character somewhere in a movie with my name and spelled my way for once. That was before I saw the horror that is Seth Foster. Addleman is an overweight, cuss talking, sweaty oaf who backstabs, cheats, murders, and comes off as a second rate Joe Don Baker. Not that this is that inaccurate, but Nico Mastorakis made a fatal error, as I consider this a direct shot at me. This film was the first Mastorakis film I saw, and it laid the groundwork for the skyscraper of hate that has since been constructed against that man, ninety stories tall and climbing.

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