Bratz: The Movie (Review)

Bratz: The Movie

Directed by Sean McNamara

Bratz: The Movie is a film about being yourself, which is a contradiction as the toys are polar opposites to the extreme. Combined with the fact the film is chock full of racist stereotypes, pedophilia, and glorification of expensive Sweet Sixteen parties, and you got a film that could get the creators thrown in Guantanamo Bay for crimes against humanity. It is nothing that good ole fashioned terrorism repackaged for the MTV generation and thousands of tweenage girls. Not terrorism that kills, but terrorism that leaves deep psychological scars, the kind that will never heal. Osama wishes he could put out films that hurt like this.

The basic plot is that the high school the Bratz go to is controlled by an ultra-evil girl who keeps everyone divided into cliques. The Bratz span cliques as they are multi-racial and interest girls designed by a soulless mega-corporation with only their passion for fashion to bind them together. The fight to stay friends when torn apart by their other interests is the soul of the piece, and speaks a message of accepting other groups and not staying in your little social circle. This spirit of expressing yourself and individuality and acceptance is completely at odds with the toys, which are practically identical giant-headed clones. Their giant eyes, lips with more silicone than breasts in a porno movie, and ever-bare midriffs make them look like they are some crazed duplication experiment, with only skin and hair hues keeping them apart. That is not diversity and expressing your differences, that is following a trend to the point of marching straight off a bridge. And that’s just where Bratz dolls should be thrown.

Bratz are a toy, but they are also an attitude. An attitude that fashion is more important than anything. That thongs are standard fare for girls of single digit ages. That everyone should have big heads, giant lips, long eyelashes, smaller-than-pixies bodies, and a passion for fashion that exceeds all other skills and desires. To consume. To be superficial. Not what anyone sane should be teaching their kids.

So with the condemnations of the dolls I’ve laid out here and in the previous Bratz encounter, you’d think this film would be the most hated film of all time. Oddly enough, parts of this film weren’t the worst thing that ever existed. There’s a few flecks of gold in the acres of manure. Not much, but they were like beacons in the darkness, guiding us a save path to a swift exit to the film. Only God himself could have braved the evil that are Bratz to implant something good for the good people of the world to get hope from. But aside from those points, the film is as terrible as the trailer makes it out to be. The basic premise is the Bratz go to high school, which is ruled by an ultra-bitch who demands everyone sit with their clique. The Bratz have diverse interests, which ends in them becoming members of their respective cliques instead of staying friends. But we all know girl power and passion for fashion will save the day at the end. Oops, I just spoiled the movie! Not like anyone reading this on this site will care, for we’re not here to discuss the film in a rational manner, but to tear it apart in the only way we know how. Why? Because they made it. We have a passion for crap.

I’m sure the director of 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega-Mountain and Raise Your Voice can do better. Oh, wait, this is probably the apex of Sean McNamara’s career, the one film he will be remembered for fifty years from now. The script is what you’d expect it to be when the story was written by former The Man Show writer and I’m With Busey star Adam De La Pena (and a writing partner David Eilenberg) and then transformed for screen by the producer of Lizzie McGuire. Basically it is a mess on wheels, but we are along for the ride.

Sasha (Logan Browning) – Our Black Brat. As she is Black, she is sassy, because writers with room temperature IQs can only write women as black by making them sassy. She’s also the cheerleader Brat, allowing her to start channeling Bring It On and choreograph dance sequences to keep the tweenage audience entertained.
Jade (Janel Parrish) – Our Asian Brat. Or Hapa. Close enough. Also a super genius, but still has the passion for fashion that all Bratz are known for. Her big thing in the film is that she has to hide her fashion from her parents. Likes to sew, and also goes for the nerdy guys.
Yasmin (Nathalia Ramos) – She’s Mexican. Really. Don’t believe me? She says “Chica” all the time. See? Mexican! She can’t stop saying Chica. Also, she and her grandmother (called Bubbie) use basic Spanish phases every once in a while when talking. And if you are still not convinced, a damn Mariachi band lives in her house! Convinced now? They couldn’t make her any more Mexican unless she beat a piñata while hopping the boarder (that will wait for the sequel!) The most embarrassing of the cultural stereotypes-o-rama that is Bratz: The Movie. Nathalia Ramos has been in nothing before except two episodes of one of the greatest TV shows ever, Arrested Development.
Cloe (Skyler Shaye) – Our White Brat. She’s also the poor Brat of a single mother, yet still spends tons of money on clothes. The film pulls her off as a klutz, and also makes her a soccer star, which requires lots of dexterity and sort of goes against the whole klutz thing. But that’s just how they roll in the world of Bratz. Skyler Shay is the god-daughter of Jon Voight, which probably explains why one of them is in this film (she also appeared with him in SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2.) It doesn’t explain the fact that her name sounds like something a porn star would be using.
Meredith (Chelsea Staub) – Some bad films have one good spot that makes the rest of the garbage seem to sparkle in the sun. Meredith is the good spot here, the character overacts her superbitch persona to the extreme, Chelsea Staub pulling off an entertaining over the top performance that helps dull the pain. The film is not just about the Bratz, but about Meredith, who probably gets more screen time than any individual Brat.
Principal Dimly (Jon Voight) – Jon Voight in a bad movie? That’s like a bad movie starring John Carradine, Lance Henriksen, or Carmen Electra! None of those actors would dare risk their careers by appearing in junk films. One look at Jon Voight’s illustrious resume confirms this: Karate Dog, SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (making him the second actor from that film in Bratz: The Movie), and Anaconda show that he would appear in only the highest quality scripts. This combined with his Transformers role gives him parts in both movies of summer 2007 where lumps of plastic come to life on the big screen.

“Hey, hey, it’s about to go down!” Thus the lyrics of the first of approximately 900 songs in the film shout out to us, drawing us into a peppy world of bubbles, pinkness, and silly teenage girls. As a strict night person, the most disturbing images in the whole film were the opening ones, as all four girls practically leap out of bed wide-eyed and full of energy, as a happy song plays and each of the four girls all connect to each other by webcams on the internet. People being overjoyed at waking up early in the morning, full of energy and vigor, just seems wrong to me. Never mind the first thing these girls do is hop on their webcams and start gabbing about clothes. Yasmin is laying on the “Chicas” while many outfits are declared “supercute.” At this point I begin looking around to see if I can find any objects to stab myself with and miss the rest of the film. Luck is not on my side, as I fail to hit a major artery, and the movie continues with my notes only getting slightly soggy with a mix of blood and tears.

It is the first day of high school for the girls, which is why they are so excited. The plan is to wow the school with their keen fashion sense, because they go to one of those high schools where everyone will stop and stare in awe if you wear hip clothes. You know, the fictitious kind. Jade’s fashions are hidden in a secret closet behind her fake one with traditional schoolgirl clothes in it, while Yasmin gets bugged by her younger brother (who throws on a fake Spanish accent) who is obsessed with his hair. Yasmin manages to get cool shoes from her grandmother (who she calls Bubbie) in exchange for chocolate. Also, a Mariachi band lives in her house just to remind us they are Latina. We see Sasha’s dad is Dwayne Wayne from A Different World Kadeem Hardison, and he and her mom are divorced.

At high school, Jade is dropped off by her parents, white dad and Asian mother. The Asian mom turns out to be one of the most broadly FOB stereotypes I have ever seen. Her bad accent, insistence that her daughter join every club at school/get perfect grades, and desire to take tons of photos seemed like the writers couldn’t decide on an Asian stereotype for the mom so they just picked every single one. For the record, the high school is Carry Nation High School, named after the temperance movement activist that I bet 99.999999% of the audience has never heard of (but explains all the axe references in the film.) All the students seemed to have shown up in uniform for their clubs; the marching band, cheerleaders, basketball team, and football team are all suited up and ready to play. Cloe didn’t have any random family thing earlier, but now is suddenly being portrayed as a klutz to make up for that. The four freshmen girls meet up and declare that they are going to “Own it!” then do the Best Friends Forever (BFF) Cheer. The other three girls surround Jade, who changes from her schoolgirl clothes to her hip fashions beneath them. From the angles of the other girls, anyone nearby would be seeing everything Jade had to offer, so this whole scene is pretty weird and disturbing (but so was the scene that had us believe these girls were undressing in front of each other on camera but only showing off their fashions.) This film makes me feel like I need to scrub my soul.

The girls rattle off whatever thing they are going to do this year: Cloe – Soccer, Sasha – cheerleader, Yasmin – good voice but refuses to do choir (aka nothing for her), and Jade declares “I’m owning the sciences!” Sasha tells her “Work the IQ, girl, but please don’t lose your passion for fashion!” None of the other girls got a conditional for their interests, so I find this remark offensive against nerds. It’s also racist, as Sasha jumps to sassy black girl mode to deliver it while the Asian girl is being a nerd. I think the writers forgot these aren’t ambiguous-looking dolls and we can tell the ethnicity of the actresses without having to resort to minstrel show stereotypes. If Sasha starts eating watermelon while Jade smokes opium and Yasmin hangs out in front of Home Depot looking for day labor jobs, then that’s probably something that happens in the second act. Back to the movie, Jade is finally ready (also she’s going to rule Home Ec, but never mind that) and they link arm in arm and march into the schoolyard.

As all of us who groaned at the trailer know, the school is run by an evil school president named Meredith (and her tinker dog Paris) who has divided the entire school up into 48 distinct cliques. Meredith is the daughter of Principal Dimly and has divided the students up to control them like they are a prison population. That’s some advanced techniques of prisoner control that probably goes over the heads of the 10-year-old girls that are the target audience of the film. Meredith has two sycophant girls named Avery and Quinn, as well as a male love interest named Cameron. The group is set up at a booth to instruct new students as to which clique they will be assigned to for the duration of their high school stay. Yes, that is really what is happening in the film. Cliques mentioned or viewed on the chart include:

  • Emos
  • Mimes
  • Science Geeks
  • Greenies
  • Dino-Students
  • Disco Dorks
  • Cheerleaders
  • Gamer Geeks
  • Hipster/Trendy
  • Marching Band
  • Skaters
  • Boy Band
  • Blingers
  • Cyber-Bloggers
  • Headgear
  • Body Builders
  • Girls Soccer
  • Preppie
  • Goths

One hopes the Dino-Students are a joke and not some disgusting new trend set to spread out of LA by next year.

The table is all and good, until the Bratz just march right past it without batting an eye, causing everyone to stare including some jocks that the movie focuses on only because one of them will be a minor character later. Meredith’s sycophants whine “Oh, my God, they just did not walk past the table!” Yes, they did. Meredith vows she won’t crush them, but she will help them find their way (into assigned social groups)…or else!

Until the plot starts to happen again, we get a series of random vignettes each staring a solo Brat girl having an adventure in class. First up, Jade wows the entire chemistry class by creating CGI fireworks out of some chemicals she doesn’t even measure while adding to beakers. This school must believe in not wasting time if they are already letting freshmen play with random chemicals on the first day of school. Nerd hunk Dexter informs Jade that she is “seriously superior!” and she smiles as he is cute beneath his glasses. Sasha managed to get lost and wander onto the set of the latest DTV Bring It On sequel, where the head cheerleader (complete with tiara for some reason) tells her to bring it, and Sasha says “Girl, I brought it, nailed it, lent it to my friend’s kid sister and I brought it back while you were still figuring out the beat!” Did I mention Sasha was black? Because the dialogue won’t let you forget it. Sasha then does a dance routine that would shame the girls from Bring It On Again but not beat the girls from Bring It On: In It to Win It. We jump to Cloe who is playing soccer to a faux rock song, and Cameron smiling his approval to Meredith’s frowns. I guess as school president all she does all day is watch the other students. Jade is now in Home Ec, sewing a dress she gives to the nebbish teacher (who we know is unattractive due to her glasses.) The teacher puts on the dress and is suddenly a hot supermodel. Yasmin finally gets a storyline, but she’s just staring at choir practice and refuses to go in, instead bumping into a kid in the hallway. A kid who happens to be deaf, and also good at verbally burning her when she tells him he doesn’t look deaf (he can read lips.) By the end of the film he’s going to have to be learning French as they’ll be locking lips like a bank vault, but as for now they hate each other.

Lunchtime signals the return of the plot, as Meredith tries to re-sit the Bratz in their new cliques. The girls ignore her, but can’t resist the siren songs of each of their own groups, leaving Yasmin alone and sad. We then jump to a montage of the girls trying to talk to each other by webcam again and again, all being too busy with their own social lives to get together and be friends. It ends in tragedy with fights and Sasha blowing off Yasmin (why is Yasmin suddenly the main character despite previously having the least amount of screen time? Bad writing!)


Wait, hold the phone! We arbitrarily jump two years ahead in time? Why? Oh, I see, it is because now we can show each one of the Bratz arriving to school in a different car to fit their personalities. At first I was confused by this sudden addition of cars for only a brief scene, then I remembered this film probably would have wanted lots of spots to mine for toys had it taken off. So they through in some vehicles for each of the Bratz girls (and there are also promo photos of each girl on their own car) that is almost George Lucasian in its insertion. You could also argue each one of the cliques is a different alien and thus another toy, and this film would have been a toy producer’s dream had it been well done. That dream died a nightmarish death, which was probably a good thing for plastic-kind. Back in the film, it never addresses how they can afford these cars with blowing all their money on clothes. The point is to show that they aren’t friends anymore, and the girls all ignore each other as they arrive at school. No one has aged two years at all, and everyone at the high school is people who were there two years ago. Yasmin is still a girl without a clique, and now it is a school assembly where Meredith is mentioning a talent show that she also judges and wins each year. Shouldn’t she have graduated two years ago? I guess not, as she doesn’t go to class. Yasmin spends the entire assembly looking at each of the other Bratz, who all look away guiltily. She runs into Jade in the bathroom, but after a few seconds of being friendly again they realize they run in two different worlds and sad music pipes up as Jade walks off. Will the Bratz ever be friends again?

Meredith is having a fight with an eleven year old girl at her house who turns out to be her younger sister Cherish, and then tells her dog that she is “Fido-fabulous.” That is quality writing deserving of an Academy Award right there. The deaf guy Dylan from two years earlier is taught to hear music by the music teacher, only he hears it by feeling the vibrations of the sounds off of speakers. I am told that some deaf people actually hear this way, but I don’t know anyone who is deaf anymore so I can’t ask. Also, Cameron still has a thing for Cloe, as he also hasn’t graduated in two years. Cameron’s talking to Cloe causes Meredith to send her dog Paris to attack Cloe, making her drop her food onto Jade who is passing below the staircase. Jade yells, falls into a trash can, and crashes into Sasha. Sasha screams and slips on a skateboard into Yasmin, who we all knew would get hit as well. The school devolves into a food fight as the four girls yell at each other such things as “Sasha, you stupid cheerleader!” Tough words. Luckily for the food fight, the school keeps a ready supply of pies randomly placed around the lunch yard. The four girls also manage to damage the statue bust of Principal Dimly, who becomes upset and gives them detention.

Not detention! Oh, wait, detention means the four of them are left unsupervised in a room so they can apologize, make up, and be spied upon by Meredith. As the girls become BFFs Forever again, Meredith denounces them as “bimbettes” and threatens to go to the jump drive. Yeah, like I have any idea what that means, either! No one will for almost another hour. Wait a minute, I’m only a half hour into this movie? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone, anyone, help me! What is worse is the next scene is a facemasked Yasmin (one of those mud facemasks) dancing with her Bubbie singing “La Cucaracha” (just to remind us they are Latina) as Yasmin’s brother with a thick “Mexican” accent films the whole thing with his camera phone.

That’s it, I’m putting rat poison in my tea, hopefully it will kick in before Jade becomes a geisha or Sasha collects welfare. I think this film was written by those guys who spend their free time patrolling the boarder with Mexico. Until I die, we must watch the girls be together again, and discuss how Yasmin is writing lots of good music but has terrible vomit-inducing stage fright, and also deaf kid Dylan is checking her out. How odd, as this movie is vomit inducing and a weird guy outside the theater was trying to check me out. The Bratz pinky swear they will be BFFs forever again, because some of the slower members of the audience didn’t understand the previous scene where they got back together. Meredith is auditioning acts for the talent show, and rejecting anyone who is any good so she can be assured of winning again. Well, if you call the terrible scenester boy band act she rejects any good. At lunch, the Bratz refuse to go sit with their cliques and stay together, which causes the entire lunch yard to stare at them. They then prepare to implement plan B, which is come up with a good music act and win the talent show, while simultaneously mixing with every social group in school to bring everyone together.

The social mixing begins, while the music tells us “It’s my party party!” I hope the artist paid Lesley Gore as the lyrics get awfully close to “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.” A scared looking Indian girl with a retainer gets lipstick advice from Sasha. Jade attracts a jock who uses sexual innuendo on her while insulting nerd Dexter. Dexter white knights for her, using his skill in tae kwon do. Later, Jade teaches the entire football team math in a scene too ridiculous to describe, you will have to wait until the film hits DVD and I snag a clip. Cameron and Cloe are on the soccer field flirting as the movie has seemed to forgotten that it is supposed to be doing different cliques mixing together, and Meredith steams at Cameron’s attractedness to the Brat. Cameron gets nailed in the crotch by a soccer ball, just because.

Back at her house, Meredith argues with her 11-year-old sister some more, very upset that her plan to divide the school is collapsing in front of her. She then confers with her sycophants, and theorizes that the time she was most popular was her Sweet Sixteen party. Therefore, the only solution is to hold another one. She’ll also get MTV to show up to film it for their horrid program, and also use it to seat everyone at the party according to cliques. This plot development is so ludicrous I am at a loss of jokes. What’s even more disturbing is Super Sixteen: The Movie came out on DVD a week or two before Bratz: The Movie hit theaters. Yes, I have a copy. It will probably appear on this site soon as well, assuming I am not killed by this movie first.

The plot point of the Sweet Sixteen party gets interrupted when the 11-year-old Cherish gets a visitor, Yasmin’s little brother (who would be around 14 at this point) and he’s dressed like an escapee from a Grease audition. The sleazebag is putting the moves on the grade schooler, and no one in the film seems to find it disturbing. Cherish isn’t about to be child molested, but instead of calling the police she just says some sarcastic remarks. Meredith also doesn’t seem to care her little sister has her own private pedophile-wannabe, it is like no one in the film is disturbed by this at all! Someone call Dateline NBC! Meredith instead calls Yasmin’s brother over, and uses her Meredith charms to get him to share the camera phone recording of Yasmin singing in her face mask. Meredith copies it to her memory stick, because in this universe embarrassing YouTube videos are more dangerous than a nuclear waste hurricane. Music ripped off from Psycho plays during this segment.

On campus, the party is being advertised all over, even by sky writing. The Bratz want to go, but Cloe has nothing to wear and no money to buy it, they are saved as Sasha gives her an extra gift certificate and it is time for a shopping montage! Set to music that sounds like Bon Jovi’s brother would sing if he was hung over and hooked up to an iron lung (the lyrics tell us “It doesn’t get better than this!” which makes me think it was an Old Milwaukee jingle revamped for today’s youth.) The Bratz also give makeovers to kids because the director seemed to forget it was supposed to be a shopping montage. He has the attention span of a gnat. We seem to be in some sort of time hiccup because the montage ends and the Bratz are back at school. Now, the invitations are being passed out, and the Bratz are all at separate tables. The Bratz say they don’t know why she is evil, but still want to go to her party anyway (despite Sasha’s reluctance.) Meredith gets a makeover, chooses outfits, and has a photoshoot (all with her dog involved as well) while Yasmin sings by herself at school. Deaf hunk Dylan comes in, and feels the speakers. He tells Yasmin “I felt your voice, you felt amazing!” He convinces her to do the talent show, because with a ringing endorsement from a deaf guy of course she should sing! That’s how Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, and William Hung all got their record deals.

The plot turns a bit as Cloe’s mom is sick, but needs to make a bunch of food for work. The film forgets to tell us for a while that Cloe’s mom was making the food for Meredith’s party. Cloe calls her friends, and luckily for us they have a “high fashion for food.” Time to have a cooking montage! This time the song is by someone trying to be April Lavigne except the tape must have been urinated on by a diseased yak. They finish the food, but then Cloe’s mom’s entire serving staff calls and quits (in one phone call, no less!) so now the Bratz have to be the serving crew. This is where they reveal it was for Meredith, and that the severs have to dress in costume. Clown costumes. Seriously. This film now has clowns and mimes, two things I hate more than the Bratz doll. After a brief shot of the Bratz dressed as clowns (sad clowns, even) that get taunted by Meredith to be happy clowns. The Bratz have a conference, where Jade pulls out her FCR – Fashion Emergency Raft (a sewing kit) and Sasha pulls out her SMK (Sasha’s Makeup Kit) and we get a clown makeover montage (the phrase “Clown Couture” is uttered) that proves we have overdone the montages here. We don’t even see the final product, as that is given a big reveal right after Meredith rides out in front of her guests on an elephant (her party is circus themed) and her big entrance is spoiled by the entrance of the Bratz in their new hip clown outfits. But as they are also servants, Meredith dismisses them to go back to their jobs with an evil hiss and a threat about firing Cloe’s mom “again.” Again? Between all the montages you’d think they’d bother to explain something. Meredith’s sister Cherish is also dressed as a servant clown and is doing nothing but complaining, which increases in frequency when Yasmin’s brother shows up to put more moves on her.

Meredith performs a Moulin Rogue-inspired music video about how “fabulous” she is. When the song is done, Meredith has the spotlight put on Yasmin, and tries to get her to sing as well. Yasmin makes it up to the stage before running off in tears. Meredith instead puts on the video of Yasmin singing in her facemask. But her joy of embarrassment is ruined when Deaf Guy Dylan starts everyone conga line dancing to the song and the Mariachi band that lives with Yasmin is also at the party and starts playing. Seriously, this is what happens. Meredith gets ticked off again, and pulls the plug on the music, then switches outfits by magic in a bid to regain everyone’s attention. Yasmin and Dylan bump into each other, but their almost-kiss is interrupted by Meredith. Meredith also interrupts Cloe getting flirted with by Cameron, and she promptly fires Cloe. Then suddenly Meredith falls into a cake, knocks her two sycophant girls into the pool, and then falls in herself when the elephant rears up on her. This is the kind of thing that would have been funny in a well done film. Meredith screams the girls ruined the party, and screeches that they are “Brats!” And we have title.

Back at high school, the cliques are back due to reasons unknown, as the party was ruined and everyone was mixing last we saw. But never mind that, the various cliques the Bratz belong two are saying they have to hang out with them, or they are off the team/squad/nerd roster. The only solution to this dilemma is to have Yasmin win the talent contest. Because all of these films end when the evil person is shown up at a contest/competition/parade. They will perform together, and will win the scholarship prize so Cloe can go to college (because she’s poor, remember!) They also decide on a group name: Bratz! We get a choreograph montage (this is like the 10th montage) that also shows them being spied on. During all of this, Sasha’s dad tells her he’s proud of her.

Meanwhile, Meredith blackmails Yasmin, telling her that Cloe’s mom stole from her family when she worked for them years ago. This will go public unless Yasmin drops out. So she does, as believing your mortal enemy is a better option than just talking to your three best friend for life. Whatever, Yasmin, you chica idiota. Yasmin tells the others she’s not going to do it, and doesn’t tell them why. This ticks off the other Bratz so much they tell Yasmin to delete their phone number from her cell phone! What’s next, removing their email addresses from her inbox? Delisting them as one of her top 8 friends on MySpace? (replacing them with Tom!) Blocking their AIM accounts? The sad music plays while Bubbie tells Yasmin to tell the truth to her friends. The other three Bratz are at Cloe’s house moping around and Cloe’s mom tells them to find out the truth. Thanks goodness these useless extra characters are around to give the Bratz advice, even though the advice is what anyone with a nanodrop of common sense would have done. Yasmin tries to call them, but they are already outside her house!

Talent show time! There are celebrity judges, but since I’ve never heard of them we won’t waste time there. The Bratz agree to perform and head over as an array of terrible acts and skits are shown: bad comedy from Dexter, a failed weight lifter, a failed martial artist, and a hula hoop person. Now Meredith performs, her group is Meredith and the Merediths. I was hoping Meredith and the Merry Deaths! or something equally slightly creative, but that’s like getting blood from a turnip, and all we have here is a rock. She performs some MTV inspired dreck about how “It’s all about me!” just in case some people haven’t figured out she’s self-centered. Her dad Principal Dimly and a body guard spend the number bobbing their heads to the rhythm. The audience is less than enthused, and we get a shot of the Bratz arriving in shadow with trench coats on. The movie can’t even pull off the classic cool entrance design right, and the Bratz just wander in through the audience and demand to play their song. Sasha even gets all sassy again after Meredith disses her dad. Meredith then threatens to expose them, and thanks to a convenient movie screen that drops down, already hooked up projector and computer system, and files that magically get loaded despite no one being near an operating system, Meredith can show pictures of Jade both as a good school girl and all Bratzed up, revealing her double life. That’s it. I’d just laugh if that was me, but Jade tearfully admits she’s living a double life, saying she’s both girls. It’s touching, at least it is supposed to be. It’s actually incredibly lame. This is what people were afraid of, embarrassing PowerPoint slides! It’s the Web 2.0 version of the books from Mean Girls or Cruel Intentions. Web 2.suck.

Next up is Cloe, who Meredith says her mom stole a doll of hers. Meredith’s sister Cherish speaks up and says she stole the doll and Cloe’s mom is innocent. Yasmin’s brother also confesses to giving Meredith the video of her singing and apologizes. A jock guy admits to taking ballet, and suddenly we are in the middle of a bunch of people confessing things, something that should be funny as well but turns out to be just one lame joke after another. It doesn’t even make good sense why it started, even though the writers were trying to go for a moment where everyone airs all their secrets and thus renders Meredith powerless over them. But they botch it again. I’ve smeared better writing on toilet paper. Finally, the Bratz can do their number after the spontaneous Dr. Phil Show subsides.

The Bratz song commences, they sing about how “We got the Brat-titude” to their video, as the competition reminds one of the one in Revenge of the Nerds (although the nerds had a better musical number.) No one slips into the funhouse to have some sex after being called a goat, at least on camera, but Meredith’s sycophants go missing for a bit so who knows what they were doing. Everyone cheers as the song ends and the Bratz appear to have saved the day. But it turns out, there is a tie! Meredith gets the axe statue, and the Bratz win the scholarship (which goes to Cloe, who somehow is surprised despite that being a major plot point for them entering and was mentioned like 20 times.) Also, a VP of MTV walks up, and tells the Bratz they are super stars, and want them as the featured act at a movie premiere. Will they do it? One of the Bratz replies “Two words: Uh, Duh!” They then do their cheer “BFFs! Even Better – Bratz!” This movie has gotten to cheeseball here, but luckily it ends. Not quite, as the Bratz start doing a music video during the credits that I guess is at the movie premiere, but it is time for me to go sprinting from the theater like my shoes are on fire. Because they are, I set them ablaze as an excuse to escape the Bratz! And I’d do it again! Bratz! I’ll get you for this, if it’s the last thing I do.

I predict a DTV sequel. Plus the CGI movies are still pumping out often. The world is doomed. It is a world of Bratz. So hold on to your BFF, you’ll need support for the suicide pact as it is the only way to escape the world of Bratz.

Actually, this film is not as horrible as I expected it to be. For it’s many many many faults, there were a few parts that were just dumb fun. If you ignore the racism, the stereotyping, the focus on materialism and trendiness, underneath there is a message about accepting everyone regardless of their interests. And like the real Carry Nation the high school in the film is named after, that message chopped its way through all the crap surrounding it. Too bad that message is the antithesis of the Bratz toy line.

Rated 2/10 (Mime, Tinker Paris)

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