Monster High

Monster High sounds like it would be a cool film, except there was a Monster High movie a long time ago in 1989 and it was horrific. And now there is a new Monster High that has nothing to do with that one, because it is basically Bratz that got Twilighted the frak up! Yes, Mattel has a new doll line and it is basically Bratz gone vampire. And like all good franchises, Mattel is putting them in all media, including film. So expect a Monster High movie to come out soon! Will it feature a group of Monsters with a passion for fashion who join different cliques but have to unite the cliques against an evil monster girl? We’ll wish it was that good, as Monster High will probably be about monster tampons. Three hours of monster tampons. Take that, Twilight!
Monster High

Bratz Babyz (Review)

Bratz Babyz

Directed by Davis Doi
Written by John Doolittle


No, no… NOOO! Not more Bratz movies! Okay, the live action one wasn’t terrible, but the cartoon ones are simply awful. And now we have them in Muppet Babies form! Yes, instead of teenage girls dressing as slores with giant eyes, now we have two year olds dressing as slores with giant eyes. What wonderful toys for your young daughters!

We need an update as to the status of The Bratz toyline since out other two reviews. Bratz was the center of a lawsuit where Mattel filed suit against MGA for infringement claiming the Bratz concept was developed by employees of Mattel who were still working at Mattel at the time. Mattel eventually won, and it was announced that the Bratz line would be pulled from store shelves after the Christmas 2008 season (the ruling was appealed and the Bratz line will be on shelves at least through 2009.) In 2009, Mattel came out with the Moxie Girlz line, which is an attempt to replace the Bratz. But then more lawyers showed up as artist Bernard “Butch” Belair declared the Bratz design was stolen from him and he sued both Mattel and MGA. Bernard “Butch” Belair claims to be from Brooklyn, NY, but I have it on good authority he is from West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days…

The Bratz Babyz line was brought in as part of the Bratz strategy of flooding the market with everything Bratz in order to suck up every last cent from Mommy’s pocketbook. Bratz Babyz were epecially designed to hook young girls before they can even form complete sentences into the world of Bratz. They also were the target of several criticisms over the Bratz Babyz toys, including the “Babyz Night Out” fashion pack, the “Brattoo Parlor” playset (where your three-year-old can give herself a tramp stamp tattoo!), and the Big Babyz toys wearing what looks like thongs (but is just some plastic molding designed to prevent their skirts from riding up.)

This was the first Bratz Babyz movie, followed later by Bratz Super-Babyz, where the babies are superheroes.

Hey, that stuff was far too serious! How many of you were truely interested in the history of the Bratz Babyz franchise? Really? Well, all of you are freaks.

Bratz Babiez does us the disservice of not saying who voiced who in the credits. It’s like they are mocking me, personally. Damn you, Bratz Babiez!

Yasmin (Maryke Hendrikse) – The Latina Bratz who is the peacemaker of the group.
Cloe (???) – The blonde and default leader of the Bratz Babiez. Constantly comes up with schemes to try to make money to rescue the lost puppy, but they all blow up in her face.
Sasha (???) – Sasha is the Black Bratz who is sassy because all Black women are sassy, or so say stereotypes in movies.
Jade (???) – Jade is the Asian Bratz because we needed another ethnic group.
Nora (???) – Nora is the timid twin who loses Snappy because she is timid. Learn some self-respect, girl, or you will be working at a truck stop later in life.
Nita (???) – Nita is the mean twin who blames everything on Nora, who is too timid to stand up for herself.
Duane (???) – The evil Duane has a small brain but loves to pick on two year olds. He finds Snappy and demands $50 for the puppy’s return, thus causing the rest of the film to happen.

Is it sad I know these four main characters without cheating by now? They all have a pet or something, including Cloe’s pig with wings, Yasmin’s frog, Jade’s cat, and Sasha’s rabbit.

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Bratz: The Movie (Review)

Bratz: The Movie

Directed by Sean McNamara

Bratz: The Movie is a film about being yourself, which is a contradiction as the toys are polar opposites to the extreme. Combined with the fact the film is chock full of racist stereotypes, pedophilia, and glorification of expensive Sweet Sixteen parties, and you got a film that could get the creators thrown in Guantanamo Bay for crimes against humanity. It is nothing that good ole fashioned terrorism repackaged for the MTV generation and thousands of tweenage girls. Not terrorism that kills, but terrorism that leaves deep psychological scars, the kind that will never heal. Osama wishes he could put out films that hurt like this.

The basic plot is that the high school the Bratz go to is controlled by an ultra-evil girl who keeps everyone divided into cliques. The Bratz span cliques as they are multi-racial and interest girls designed by a soulless mega-corporation with only their passion for fashion to bind them together. The fight to stay friends when torn apart by their other interests is the soul of the piece, and speaks a message of accepting other groups and not staying in your little social circle. This spirit of expressing yourself and individuality and acceptance is completely at odds with the toys, which are practically identical giant-headed clones. Their giant eyes, lips with more silicone than breasts in a porno movie, and ever-bare midriffs make them look like they are some crazed duplication experiment, with only skin and hair hues keeping them apart. That is not diversity and expressing your differences, that is following a trend to the point of marching straight off a bridge. And that’s just where Bratz dolls should be thrown.

Bratz are a toy, but they are also an attitude. An attitude that fashion is more important than anything. That thongs are standard fare for girls of single digit ages. That everyone should have big heads, giant lips, long eyelashes, smaller-than-pixies bodies, and a passion for fashion that exceeds all other skills and desires. To consume. To be superficial. Not what anyone sane should be teaching their kids.

So with the condemnations of the dolls I’ve laid out here and in the previous Bratz encounter, you’d think this film would be the most hated film of all time. Oddly enough, parts of this film weren’t the worst thing that ever existed. There’s a few flecks of gold in the acres of manure. Not much, but they were like beacons in the darkness, guiding us a save path to a swift exit to the film. Only God himself could have braved the evil that are Bratz to implant something good for the good people of the world to get hope from. But aside from those points, the film is as terrible as the trailer makes it out to be. The basic premise is the Bratz go to high school, which is ruled by an ultra-bitch who demands everyone sit with their clique. The Bratz have diverse interests, which ends in them becoming members of their respective cliques instead of staying friends. But we all know girl power and passion for fashion will save the day at the end. Oops, I just spoiled the movie! Not like anyone reading this on this site will care, for we’re not here to discuss the film in a rational manner, but to tear it apart in the only way we know how. Why? Because they made it. We have a passion for crap.

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Bratz Diamondz (Review)

Bratz Diamondz

aka Bratz: Passion 4 Fashion Diamondz

Directed by The Devil Himself!

The Bratz toy line is the worst toy line to hit the shelves in the history of girl’s toys. I do not make this statement lightly. Bratz are accurately criticized for sending the wrong message to young girls, and that message is “become a materialistic bitch who dresses like a whore.” You see, these women have a passion, for fashion! Fashion seems to be wearing midriff-bearing clothing, while your face makes you look like an Anime schoolgirl who was attacked by a collagen injector on their lips. The Bratz line has one good point, it makes all the people who waste time attacking Barbie for giving girls the wrong message look like idiots. Barbie at least got elected president, was a doctor, a veterinarian, and an astronaut. That’s like 40 years of school training she finished by age 35. Barbie even got more realistic proportions a few years ago. Bratz have done nothing but put on fashion shows and sing in a terrible band. Bratz dolls are proportioned like the spawns of the devil, with their oversized head so large it should crush their micro-pixie bodies. I’ve meet female gymnasts with more defined curves.

Bratz toys include such brains-destroying lines as Bratz, Bratz Kidz, Bratz Babyz, Lil Bratz, Itsy Bitsy Bratz, Bratz Boyz, and Bratz Petz. Bratz Babyz had their own thongs until public pressure had them converted to full-covered panties. Don’t forget to give your Bratz Baby her own “Brattoo” at the Brattoo Parlor playset. I hear tramp stamps are popular on swingsets these days. Bratz have also spawned their own television show, and several direct to DVD movies. Bratz Rock Angelz and Bratz Genie Magic will also be rotting on your local video store shelf, along with the abomination called Bratz Babyz. Recently released is Bratz Fashion Pixiez, and soon a live action Bratz film. For those of you who hate Bratz like I do, remember that the factory workers in China who create the dolls make a whopping $0.17 an hour during their 94 ½ hour weeks. It seems the Bratz creators have a Passion 4 Exploitation. The MGA company (the makers of Bratz) denies that story,

Another nail in the coffin of this movie is the fact that I can’t figure out what exactly its name is supposed to be. Bratz Diamondz seems to be the name, but the DVD cover and almost all references to it has “Passion 4 Fashion” crammed into the middle of it. In addition, the plot line revolves around some sort of reality show, where a British character named Byron Powell hosts. I can’t imagine who he could be based on. The Bratz girls compete against the girls of Your Thing, a rival fashion magazine to the Bratz fashion magazine. Yeah, like any of these girls can write their name, let alone a magazine article. The plot alone gets dumber and crazier as we go on, which we will be there every step of the way. Why? At this point I no longer know. Bratz has destroyed much of my mind. Thank goodness I stayed away from the Bratz Babyz movie, or I would have been killed.
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