CineTelFilms turns disaster porn into a disaster gangbang!

CineTelFilms has some interesting upcoming disaster flicks on the way. If that name is familiar, they are the production company behind the amusingly titled films Independence Daysaster and Earthtastrophe. Well, the combined disaster titles are a reoccurring theme of their forthcoming slate, as problem after problem is mixed and matched like a drunken crazy quilt until the movies below pop out, all due soon in 2014 or 2015! Never fear, even if many of these films are just posters and titles and vague synopsis (or less!), TarsTarkas.NET is there to lay it all on the line for YOU to be informed!

So what are you waiting for? Read on!

LA Apocalypse
Cast: Gina Holden, Eric Allan Kramer, Christopher Judge
Director: Michael J. Sarna

For 5 billion years the Earth’s core has operated like a giant, nuclear reactor. Now it’s overheated, melting down like a bomb that’s about to explode. The earth is being ripped apart at the seams and beneath LA, pressure is building.

After a mass evacuation, Calvin Crawford is one of few left, desperately searching for his fiance, Ashley Pace, who unbeknownst to him, has been kidnapped and is being held hostage. With LA becoming more unstable by the minute, Calvin, must find a way to save Ashley and get them both to safety before the city is completely annihilated.

LA Apocalypse

Fire Twister
Cast: Casper Van Dien, Alyvia Alyn Lind, Jon Mack
Director: George Erschbamer
IMDB link
No synopsis
Fire Twister

Director: Steven Daniels
Writer: Colin Reese
Starring: Lou Ferrigno Jr., Joe Lando, Michelle Stafford
The gravity of a rogue planet screaming past Jupiter has flung the Earth from its orbit…
IMDB link


What happens when you ask the most powerful computer program, run by the most powerful computers, to follow, listen, and predict human behavior for three decades?… The program learns, becomes sentient and begins to think like a human! Now this omnipotent and omnipresent program will bring the world to Armageddon…and the clock is already ticking…



“This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth, in the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a “White Christmas” will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE”.


Sharknado Week on SyFy!


Coming at you 7 tentacles a week!

As summer begins to heat up (puns like this are why they pay me the big bucks!), SyFy is breaking out the original films again, now accompanied by lots of marketing gimmicks for maximum saturation of targeted audience age ranges. On that note, the Sharknado rocket blasts off again with the announced Sharknado Week, which will feature not only Sharknado 2, but the first of the new Sharktopus sequels, and the SyFy premiere of Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark! The full PR release is below, complete with all the information you need to make Sharknado Week on SyFy the best Sharknado Week ever! Don’t forget that the RiffTrax crew are doing their special event on Sharknado on July 10th!


Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark – Saturday, July 26 at 9PM – When the U.S. government creates an exact robotic copy of the original mega shark, this new mecha shark runs wild – with only the original mega shark standing in the way of global destruction. A production of The Asylum, the movie stars Christopher Judge (Stargate SG1) and Elisabeth Rohm (American Hustle). TV movie.

Sharkmania: The Top 15 Biggest Baddest Bloodiest Bites – Premieres Sunday, July 27 at 9PM – This original documentary special takes a light-hearted look back at the 15 best shark movie bites of all time. Comedians, actors and celebrities including Ian Ziering, Brooke Hogan, Richard Moll, Downtown Julie Brown and Mark McGrath discuss their favorite scenes – fun, ridiculous and frightening – from classic shark movies such as Jaws to the outrageous Sharktopus and Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. A production of Associated Television International. Executive producer: Jim Romanovich. Producers: Dan Goldman, David Stephan. Consulting producer: Robert Corsini.

Sharknado 2: The Second One – Wednesday, July 30 at 9PM – In Sharknado 2: The Second One, the sequel to last summer’s global pop culture sensation, a freak weather system turns its deadly fury on New York City, unleashing a Sharknado on the population and its most cherished iconic sites – and only Fin (Ian Ziering) and April (Tara Reid) can save the Big Apple. The movie, directed by Anthony C. Ferrante from a screenplay by Thunder Levin, also stars Mark McGrath, Kari Wuhrer, Vivica A. Fox and Judah Friedlander, with cameo appearances including Kelly Osbourne, Judd Hirsch, Perez Hilton, Matt Lauer, Al Roker, Andy Dick, Robert Klein, Sandra “Pepa” Denton, Biz Markie, Downtown Julie Brown, Richard Kind and Kurt Angle, among others. Sharknado 2: The Second One is a production of The Asylum.

Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda – Sunday, August 2 at 9PM – In this new Roger Corman movie, the child of Sharktopus goes toe-to-toe with the latest science experiment “Pteracuda” – half Pteradactyl, half Barracuda – in a battle for monster supremacy. A production of New Horizons Pictures, the movie stars Robert Carradine (Django Unchained) and Katie Savoy (Living with Models).

Via Deadline

Age of Hobbits Trailer!

Asylum’s Age of Hobbits director Joseph Lawson stopped by to personally let us now that the Age of Hobbits trailer dropped, and we couldn’t be more grateful here at TarsTarkas.NET, because this looks like it could be very interesting. Hobbits, Bai Ling, Christopher Judge, and flying komodo dragons!!!!

In an ancient age, the small, peace-loving Hobbits are enslaved by the Java Men, a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders. The young Hobbit Goben must join forces with their neighbor giants, the humans, to free his people and vanquish their enemies

It comes out December 11th, and won’t be split into three movies just to add a bunch of random stuff!

Age of the Hobbits

Easily better than Eragon!

Age of Hobbits pics

Into Battle

Asylum’s mockbuster Age of Hobbits has hit the point where they put a bunch of photos up on flickr, so let’s celebrate by embedding a few of them in this post! As I’m sure you recall, the plot of this future epic feature is:

In an ancient age, the small, peace-loving Hobbits are enslaved by the Java Men, a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders. The young Hobbit Goben must join forces with their neighbor giants, the humans, to free his people and vanquish their enemies.

Age of Hobbits was filmed in Cambodia, and stars Christopher Judge and Bai Ling. This will turn out to be one of the least weird movies Bai Ling has been in! It comes out on DVD/VOD on December 11, 2012.

More info on Asylum’s website

A Competition

Age of the Hobbits synopsis

The Asylum’s filmed in Cambodia mockbuster Age of the Hobbits has advanced to the point that a plot synopsis and actors have appeared on their official site.

In an age long ago, the last village of clever, peace-loving Hobbits is attacked and enslaved by the Java Men, komodo-worshiping, dragon-riding cannibals. Now the young Hobbit Goben, along with his father and sister, must seek help from the “giants” (human hunters) to find the Javas’ lair and rescue the last surviving Hobbits, Goben’s mother among them. In their quest to destroy the Javas, the heroic partnership of humans and Hobbits will transform both species forever.

From the sound of it, they’re incorporating a lot of details from various homonid species. The Hobbits are the so-called real Hobbits, Homo floresiensis. The Java Men also take their name from a Homo erectus subspecies colloquially called Java Man (Homo erectus erectus) The Komodo mentions means the whole thing is set in the Indonesian region, where Java Man and the Flores Man are both found. So this is basically Quest for Fire meets Willow meets Caravan of Courage. Which I like. Christopher Judge (Stargate), Bai Ling (all sorts of awesome stuff), and Sun Korng (I have no idea) are attached. Joseph Lawson directed, he actually did digital work on the LOTR trilogy, as well as directing Nazis at the Center of the Earth. Writer Eric Forsberg wrote the entertaining Arachnoquake. This means Age of the Hobbits could be pretty good. Just don’t be boring, that’s all I ask!

Homo floresiensis

Actual photo of Bai Ling

pic via