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Cyberseduction
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (Review)

June 21, 2005By

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life


2005
Starring
Jeremy Sumpter as Justin Petersen
Kelly Lynch as Diane Petersen
Lyndsy Fonseca as Amy
Jake Scott as Alex Petersen

Lifetime Networks presents a story of our times. From the tradition of Reefer Madness, Cocaine Fiends, and Sex Madness comes Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life, the story of a boy and his internet porn, and how it destroyed his life. Just like those movies, the effects of pornography is over the top, and our innocent kid soon becomes entangled in a world of horror. Also this movie uses the phrase “Virgin Vaginas” which is just too funny for words.

Up as the concerned mom Diane Petersen is Kelly Lynch, who gives us a lecture at the end of the movie about pornography. I wasn’t paying attention, as I used Google Image Search to look up “Kelly Lynch” and found a full frontal shot of her as the very first picture returned. Playing the innocent Justin is Peter Pan himself, Jeremy Sumpter. Looks like the boy who never grew up finally did, and he’s growing up in more places than one when the internet comes on if you catch my drift.

Saving Face
InGood, Movie Reviews

Saving Face (Review)

June 18, 2005By

Saving Face

Saving Face
2004
Starring
Michelle Krusiec as Wil (Wilhelmina Pang)
Joan Chen as Ma
Lynn Chen as Vivian Shing
Jessica Hecht as Randi – Hospital Co-Worker
Ato Essandoh as Jay – Neighbor
Directed by Alice Wu
Saving Face
A first time writer and director, low budget, and a seeming Asian Lesbian hook, this film seemed like just another gimmick artsy film to play before five people in one of the dirty theaters in town before it gets replaced by a film about Mexican Day Laborers in 1950’s Quebec who are also drug running escorts called Inherit My Skin. Yet it was better than I guessed it could be, or even deserved to be based on the low amount of buzz it’s seeming to get on the indie set. An entertaining drama about life in the Asian American community as reality, freedom, and secrets meet traditional notions of life, family, honor, and saving face. It’s a lot better than that line I just typed, trust me.
Saving Face

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith (Review)

June 16, 2005By

Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith


2005
Starring
Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi
Natalie Portman as Padmé
Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker
Ian McDiarmid as Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sideous
Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu

I didn’t want to go over this movie immediately after I saw it, I wanted to give it time to sink in. What is supposed to be the last Star Wars film ever (at least for the next twenty years.) After some disappointments with Episodes one and Two, disappointments meaning Episode One was HORRIBLE, and Episode Two could have been saved by some decent editing, we get the finale of the Prequel Trilogy, the end of the beginning. From the previews coming down before footage was released some signs were good, the rumors of it being dark, the rumors of the PG-13 rating, the knowledge of certain people dying because they just weren’t in the Original Trilogy. There were some bad rumors as well: Chewie helping birth the twins, Yoda farting, Jar Jar not being horribly killed, and Lucas still directing. The end result? It was actually pretty good, all things considered.

Frog-g-g
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Frog-g-g! (Review)

June 10, 2005By

Frog-g-g!


2004
Starring
Kristi Russell as Dr. Barbara Michaels
Ariadne Shaffer as Trixie
Robert Patrick Brink as Sheriff Buford Lawson
Michael McConnohie as Huntley Grimes
Todd Malta as EPA Agent Steve Saunders
John Ponzio as The Frog

This film sucks-s-s! Of course you expected that joke. The camp is strong with this film. We got mutant frogs sexing up girls, as well as lesbians. Yes, lesbians. The mutant frog? Why, he’s Greedo! Yes, Greedo from Star Wars now has a film of his very own. He’s mad. Mad that the galaxy he once called home no longer makes any sense to him. Mad that he now questions whether or not he got off a shot at Han Solo. Mad that he was somehow convinced he shot first, even though he knows he never pulled the trigger. Madder still that if he did shoot, he would have had to miss someone a foot away from the gun. Madder even still that now people are saying he shot at the same time as Han Solo, and yet still missed. When you get all that anger pent up inside you, building, getting stronger, stoked by rage, hate, burning, it bubbles over, into a frothy mess, and soon…it explodes! Now, the girls of this small town will never be the same, once Greedo has had his way with them! Fear the Greedo! FEAR! With the only available man in the town being a Rodian, no wonder the main characters are lesbians!

My Tutor Friend
InGood, Movie Reviews

My Tutor Friend (Review)

June 8, 2005By

My Tutor Friend

aka Donggabnaegi gwawoehagi

2003
Starring
Kim Ha-neul as Su-wan
Kwon Sang-woo as Kim Ji-hoon
Baek Il-seob as Ji-hoon’s Father
Kim Ji-woo as Ho-kyeong
Yu Kong/Gong yoo as Jong-soo

Ever had your tutor and you develop and attraction to each other? No? Not even once? What, are you being tutored by ugly guys or something? Oh, that’s understandable. They can’t all be Mary Kay Laturno. Nor can they all be Kim Ha-neul! Another movie full of wonderfully expressive faces, be they goofy, smug, smirking, frightening, humorous, or just plain cute, this girl is fun to watch. (Previous films of hers here are Too Beautiful to Lie and Dead Friend.) Kwon Sang-woo also stars as tough guy Kim Ji-hoon. Kwon Sang-woo is a Korean heartthrob, he goes on to star in Love So Divine which will show up here in a week or two. Yu Kong from Spygirl also appears, as a completely different character than his romantic lead in Spygirl, instead playing a lame gang leader who’s sole function seems to injuring Ji-hoon’s fist by repeatedly slamming his face into it over and over. This also brings up another point that makes this film good, when the film gets too sappy or boring, we get a fight sequence, and not a boring fight, either. The chemistry between Kim Ha-neul and Kwon Sang-woo is wonderful, nothing is forced and you can easily lose yourself in the story. The minor characters are finely crafted as well, this is one of the better romantic comedies to come out of any country.

Planet of the Vampires
InBad, Movie Reviews

Planet of the Vampires (Review)

June 7, 2005By

Planet of the Vampires

aka Terrore nello spazio

1965
Starring
Barry Sullivan as Captain Mark Markary
Norma Bengell as Sanya
Ángel Aranda as Wess
Evi Marandi as Tiona
Stelio Candelli as Brad
Franco Andrei as Bert
Fernando Villena as Dr. Karan
Directed by Mario Bava

It’s the future, and man is conquering space! Man is also conquering fashion, and wearing outfits entirely out of leather with gigantic collars. Not just normal giant collars, these collars are popped up, just like those Frat boys you see wandering around town with their polo shirt collars up. If this is the future of fashion, the human race is doomed. The fashion is brought up first and foremost, because this movie has incredible visuals that still hold up forty years later. The visuals inspired countless other science fiction films, some so blatantly you’ll view those classics with a new suspicious look, wondering what other things they ripped off. Director Mario Bava also directed Danger: Diabolik, famous for being the last MST3Ked movie. Now, you’d think Planet of the Vampires would be crawling with vampires. I am afraid I have some bad news for you folks, there are NO vampires in this film. Zero. None, Nada. No Space Vampires, No Salt Vampires, no Turkish Ripoffs of Salt Vampires. We do have aliens, and animated dead bodies controlled by the aliens, so the correct term would be either Planet of the Zombies or Planet of the Ghosts who Possess People. Another correct term would be the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation named Power Play. I don’t want to say Star Trek ripped this movie off, but with the many other things blatantly stolen from this film, it would be unsurprising that Trek went with the flow.


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