Frog-g-g! (Review)


Kristi Russell as Dr. Barbara Michaels
Ariadne Shaffer as Trixie
Robert Patrick Brink as Sheriff Buford Lawson
Michael McConnohie as Huntley Grimes
Todd Malta as EPA Agent Steve Saunders
John Ponzio as The Frog

This film sucks-s-s! Of course you expected that joke. The camp is strong with this film. We got mutant frogs sexing up girls, as well as lesbians. Yes, lesbians. The mutant frog? Why, he’s Greedo! Yes, Greedo from Star Wars now has a film of his very own. He’s mad. Mad that the galaxy he once called home no longer makes any sense to him. Mad that he now questions whether or not he got off a shot at Han Solo. Mad that he was somehow convinced he shot first, even though he knows he never pulled the trigger. Madder still that if he did shoot, he would have had to miss someone a foot away from the gun. Madder even still that now people are saying he shot at the same time as Han Solo, and yet still missed. When you get all that anger pent up inside you, building, getting stronger, stoked by rage, hate, burning, it bubbles over, into a frothy mess, and soon…it explodes! Now, the girls of this small town will never be the same, once Greedo has had his way with them! Fear the Greedo! FEAR! With the only available man in the town being a Rodian, no wonder the main characters are lesbians!

Lesbian EPA agent Dr. Barbara Michaels and her lesbian lover Trixie, who are lesbians, have lesbian sex, as lesbians do, especially these lesbians, who are lesbians and having lesbian sex. This film is not very subtle. After the lesbian sex between the lesbians who show off their naked lesbian bodies, Barbara has to go check on the chemical leak by Grimes Chemicals, run by Huntly Grimes, who’s name sounds like a cartoon villain. He’s the villain here as well, but he’s playing a conservative bigwig in a small town who runs the show, the traditional enemy of many films, such as Road House or the Walking Tall series. After Barbara sees five eyed fish and what looks like He-Man’s Mer-Man’s aborted son, she’s pretty convinced something bad is happening.

Barbara follows up her getting yelled at by Huntly Grimes with some hot chemical reactions, such as pH tests, frog dissections, and some 5th grade science demonstration making steam. She’s also being followed by the Sheriff’s goons, as Grimes has demanded it. Just in case you forgot, Barbara is a lesbian, and soon she’s making the lesbian beast with two backs with her lesbian lover Trixie again. After the lesbian sex, lesbian Barbara talks to the Sheriff, who is named Buford because all Southern sheriffs are named Buford, and he yells at her because his brother-in-law is Huntly Grimes. All of Barbara’s equipment and samples were stolen while she was having lesbian sex, so she has no evidence to show the Sheriff, and the only pieces left are being mailed to Washington for tests. The Sheriff yells at her a while because he likes to yell.

Getting drunk, Barbara sees one of the goons that was, unbeknownst to her but beknownst to us, burying chemicals at the side of the road being sick. His partner is chased out after wanting to show the lesbians how a real man is, which is aparantly disgusting. No wonder they are lesbians.

You might be thinking to yourself “Self, this review promised me Greedo, I see no Greedo, this reviewer Tars Tarkas is a liar, I don’t like him anymore!” Now hold on there, partner! Greedo is coming up, you see him briefly as the lesbians are driving home to have more lesbian sex, as Greedo is jogging across the highway, obviously preparing himself to run the New York Marathon. His running causes the lesbians to crash, and Barbara wakes up at the hospital two days later. Everyone is dead and Zombies have taken over. Wait, wrong movie! Everyone seems to be fine, but the Sheriff’s son is sick and in the hospital also.

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for, a gratuitous sex scene! No, wait….wait…..wait……NOW! GREEDO!!!!! Greedo goes all coitus interruptus on these kids and starts having his way with the teenage girl. “Oota Goota, Teenage girl?” Greedo Oota Gootas all over her.

Barbara gets a call from EPA agent Steve “Plot Exposition”Saunders who has analyzed the tests, finding that the chemicals from the Grimes Chemicals have been banned since the fifties, but a loophole allows them to be sold outside the US. They cause massive genetic mutations, because of the pH level. Yes, the pH level. Ignoring that, he also mentions the mutant Mer-man looking thing she sent him has double X Chromosomes which means it’s a boy. I think they mean a “Boy, didn’t anyone crack open a biology book when they wrote this?” For the curious, frogs are either XX female/XY male or ZZ male/ZW female, depending on species. We also learn the genetic code for humans is 4 to 1. Wait, the genetic code for humans is the Vegas odds for the Bears to beat the Lions? What kind of mumbo-jumbo is this utter nonsense? At least they didn’t try to use morse code, I’d have shot them. Even better, the Greedo fetus’s genetic code? 1 to 4. Yes. 1 to 4. Greedo has better odds than humanity! What the monkey robot is going on? Even better, the opposite genetic code means that Greedo is compatable with human women! Okay, do women have the 1 to 4 odds? Is 1 to 4 the odds that Greedo will knock these women up when he knocks boots (or flippers?)? Why would a frog suddenly become compatible with humans? If Greedo really shoot’s first, then isn’t that some sort of metaphor saying he’s pretty quick in the sack? It’s also established that Greedo is programmed to have sex with every human female he can, because since DNA technology has advanced to the point of DNA being reduced to Vegas odds, we can also find out characteristics of unknown creatures from said DNA. So Greedo needs the sex. Makes him pretty much like every other guy, except he’s green. It’s not easy being green….

After the phone call that explained everything but sent my Biology Spidey Sense tingling, the lesbians head back to the lab, only to get yelled at by the Sheriff again, until we hear from the girl that had some Greedo loving. It turns out, she’s Huntly Grimes’s daughter! Then we find out that Sheriff’s son is sick with poisoning by the chemical that Grimes’s makes! Sheriff is mad, dead mad, and starts beating Grimes around until he helps. The problem is everyone in town is at the big football game tonight! That means, Greedo will be drawn there as well, genetically programmed to have sex with women. WHOOOOOOOOOOOA WILDCATS!! Sheriff and his men set up a perimiter, and catch the genetically programmed to have sex guy. Wait, he’s just some rapist, until GREEDO arrives, kills the Sheriff and gets to sexing the girl who was being menaced by the rapist. It’s just not her night.

Greedo is so excited by getting lucky he runs onto the football field. We get a flag on the play, illegal use of a Rodian, ten yards. Greedo starts killing football players, and the crowd panics. This being the South, no one brought guns to the game, so Greedo is free to run rampant. Bad Greedo! The cops who are left decide not to bother to stop him, but to meet up back at the lab. At the lab, the lesbians, with the help of the chemical burying goon who wasn’t sick, figure out that Greedo is headed to the local Catholic girls school, to satisfy his skirt fetish. We arrive, and our heroes brandish a tire iron, bug spray, and a shovel, and charge past the dead nun to find Greedo threatening the half dozen Catholic girls who must have been lounging around in their underwear, just like all girls do when they are alone, and not allowed to go to the big football game like everyone else in town. The heroes are beaten away by Greedo, who is down to just Barbara, who fights by ripping her shirt open, distracting Greedo so she can crowbar him in the gut. He then gets shot by Huntly Grimes dead. I guess Greedo didn’t really shoot first after all! Greedo is dead, the movie misses the “sorry about the mess” joke it should have made, Barbara’s lesbian partner Trixie is moving back to Washington with her, and everything is happy.

Until nine months later. Come on, you know what’s gonna happen nine months later….Grimes’s daughter gives birth to Greedo Junior!

Take that, George Lucas! Greedo has had his revenge on us all now. Sure, this movie was supposed to be a send up or reworking of Humanoids from the Deep or The Horror of Party Beach but it works so much better as a Greedo vehicle. It’s got all the makings of a made of Sci-Fi Channel movie. Greedo himself making movies is not a bad thing, the world needs more Star Wars actors getting work. Keeps them from a life of crime, everyone remembers when Gamorrean Guard Number Three robbed that liquor store, or when Dengar made that sex tape with the fourteen year old girl. Movies like this not only help us reminisce of the days when Star Wars wasn’t just CGI and “Yippie!” and meant something. That something was “Buy the action figure from Kenner” but a crappy message is better than none at all. I’m waiting for the Hammerhead guy to have his own movie, that will be the greatest production ever made! Gooooo Hammerhead Guy!

Special Interview: GREEDO!

Welcome to TarsTarkas.NET, Mr. Greedo.
Greetings fellow green creature! It’s just Greedo, no Mr.
Sure thing. Let’s talk about what everyone is talking about: Did you shoot first?
Wait a minute, when I signed on to do this interview, we agreed we wouldn’t talk about the controversy
The producers may have said something, I didn’t. Now spill the beans!
You know, I’m more than just Greedo. This summer I am reprising my role of Iago in Othello at the Wisconsin Shakespeare Festival.
Shakespeare Schmakespeare. Does it hurt to be digitally altered?
Why would it hurt? It’s just film being altered. Look, if we aren’t going to talk about my current projects, why should I stay?
Calm down, son. Now you can talk about your projects.
I’ve been waiting a long time to say this–
Yes, I’ll bet you have! BLAM!
Sorry about the mess.

Rated 4/10 (Leaky Goo, Five Eyes, Baby Mer-man, Just gotta Dance Dance Dance!)

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