Toys in the Attic

Toys in the Attic is a Czech stop-motion animated feature that looks freaking awesome and I want to see it sooooooo badly. I need to see it. I will kill every single one of you to see it! Okay, I’ll only kill most of you… The Czech-language version has won a whole bunch of awards, and now it’s getting an English dub and release in America. Jiri Barta is the director, and he made a lot of animated films a long time ago but seemed to take a long time off. Toys in the Attic originally premiered in 2010, and I’m surprised I didn’t hear much about it.

The plot:
In an attic full of discarded junk, a pretty doll called Buttercup lives in an old trunk together with her friends, the marionette Sir Handsome, the lovable Teddy Bear, a Mechanical Mouse and the plasticine creature, Laurent. When Buttercup is snatched and taken off to the Land of Evil, her pals set out on a wondrous and daring adventure to rescue her from the all-powerful Head of State.

The English version will feature the voices of Forest Whitaker, Cary Elwes, Joan Cusack, Vivian Schilling, and Marcelo Tubert.

Toys in the Attic

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

The Odd Life of Timothy Green


2012
Story by Ahmet Zappa
Screenplay and directed by Peter Hedges

Burying this box made out of the bones of 100 sacrificed infants in our garden that used to be an old Indian burial plot won’t have any negative consequences, ever! Also Jumanji is in this box. For some reason.

A family film that is a great thing to bring your young children to, The Odd Life of Timothy Green won’t be earning much street cred from older viewers looking for a dark and sinister turn of a mysterious vegetable child who emerges from the garden of a childless couple to enhance their lives. The film is sugary sweet and mixes the trials of growing up different with the trials of being a parent. And I find Timothy Green guilty…of being enjoyable! Okay, sorry, that joke was awful. Before we continue, I must confess this was yet another free screening that I scored tickets to. In fact, The Odd Life of Timothy Green released so many free tickets and screenings it was hard not to get tickets. Now let’s meet the cast!

She has the magical powers of HGTV!

Cindy Green (Jennifer Garner) – Cindy Green works at a museum for the pencil factory and spends most of the film being various forms of neurotic and reserved. After Timothy enters her life, she trades that in for being more outgoing but also worried. It takes a while for the changes to sink in and transform her fully.
Jim Green (Joel Edgerton) – Working class husband and pencil factory supervisor working under the owner’s nephew. Has resentment issues over his own father not being there much while he was growing up. Both of the Greens carry added stress from being unable to conceive, which just multiplies their personal problems.
Timothy Green (CJ Adams) – A mysterious child who sprang from the garden and a box full of wishes for the fantasy child of the Greens. He’s very casual about the whole thing. Has leaves on his legs.
Joni Jerome (Odeya Rush) – Odd girl at school who has a secret, and instantly spots that Timothy does as well. The pair becomes very close, almost to the point where he spends more time with her than with his parents.
This is a happy movie!

Was Kristen Stewart fired from the Snow White and the Huntsman sequel??

Reports are saying Kristen Stewart has been fired from the sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman, despite the fact she’s Snow White, in response to her recent smoochy-smoochy scandal with Rupert Sanders. The reports also say that the studio is sticking with director Rupert Sanders, who is just as guilty, and is even more of a betrayer as he was married with two kids! You can see why he’s still on board, as his directorial style is so hot right now – incomprehensible action scenes, abrupt endings that resolve nothing, borrowing heavily from bigger and better films without acknowledging it… All reasons to put all your money on Sanders instead of blanking everything except Chris Hemsworth. I’m sure it’s totally not sexism, dumping a cash cow like Stewart in favor of a guy who has directed nothing except Snow White and the Huntsman. Either Stewart is testing awful in focus groups, or something is up… Something stupid. Sexism stupid.

Oddly enough, other reports are backtracking now that everyone is freaking out about how firing her is dumb. So who knows what the frak? Either the studio is attempting to shore up DVD sales by putting out a knowingly bogus story to keep the film in the news, or they’re testing things and didn’t expect the backlash from the story they floated.

At one point I was joking online about how the Huntsman should just blunder into the middle of random fairy tales for all the sequels, and that looks like the new direction as the writer who was going to write a Snow White-centered sequel has also been fired, David Koepp. Who will Huntsman save next, Cinderella? Beauty and the Beast? The Little Mermaid? Toy Story? Or will Chris Hemsworth have sex with Rupert Sanders so he can get fired too? I can’t wait to find out.

via THR

Kristen Stewart Snow White

My only crime was love. And betrayal. And bad acting. And apologizing publicly first. And being in an awful Snow White film. And probably other stuff.

Scooby-Doo and the Mystery of the WWE!

Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Incorporated crew (or whatever the other characters who ride in the Mystery Machine call themselves when they’re not stoned) are back, this time investigating a mystery at WrestleMania! ZOINKS! This animated feature looks like it is in the spirit of the hour-long The New Scooby-Doo Movies episodes that featured real guest stars like Batman and Robin, Sandy Duncan, The Harlem Globetrotters, and The Addams Family. Because there will be animated versions of all your favorite wrestlers: Vince McMahon, Triple H, John Cena, Kane, The Miz, Brodus Clay, Santino Marella, Sin Cara and AJ Lee! I only know who some of them are, so if having one of them in animated form is something ridiculous, please let me know! The feature will be co-produced by WWE Studios and Warner Brothers.

The Plot:

When Shaggy and Scooby win tickets to WrestleMania, the entire gang travels in the Mystery Machine to WWE City to attend the epic event. However, when a mysterious ghostly bear appears and threatens to ruin the show, Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred work with WWE Superstars to solve the case.

A G-G-G-G-G-G-GHOST BEAR?????!!? Awesome.

Scooby-Doo Cupcakes

The mystery is why the frosting is so delicious...

Source.

Learn how to make cool Scooby-Doo Cupcakes here!

The B-Team is your direct to video action star dream team flick!

Finally, the people get what that want! And what they want is all the classic direct to video action flick stars of the 80s and 90s teaming up in an Expendables-like film, but without that crazy idiot Chuck Norris. Enter…The B-Team! Yes, it is no longer just an insult that the General of the week uses when chasing The A-Team, but an actual film getting made in Papua New Guinea. Check out this lineup:

Cynthia Rothrock!!!

Don “The Dragon” Wilson!!!!

Michael Dudikoff!!

Jeff Speakman!!

Possibly other people!

As Don “The Dragon” Wilson sez:

“Those four positively, but since there’s a lot of bad guys and a lot of good guys in it, there’s room for anybody that’s going to be available,” Wilson continued. “They would only be in for a few days and then out. The ones I listed, we would have to be in New Guinea the entire six-week shoot but the other actors can come and go. There’s going to be plenty of action and the game plan is to get as many guys as we can get in. I literally know every one of them.”

One of the advantages to Wilson being in so many awesome flicks through the 80s and 90s is just who he knows, so I hope he calls in all sorts of favors! He specifically mentions Mark Dacascos, Richard Norton, Karen Sheperd, Billy Blanks, Jerry Trimble, and Loren Avedon. The names alone are giving me video store flashbacks! At one point Michael Jai White was attached as one of the leads, but it looks like he’s not in it any more.

Oddly enough, there is an “official” B-Team website set up by Papua New Guinea, though the website looks terrible, like 1994-era WWW terrible. But there is enough there to get a plot synopsis of what might be an older draft of the script (and outdated as Michael Jai White is listed in the cast)

Far from the excitement of Port Moresby in PNG, jettisoning skyward is the awe inspiring Volcanic Rim of Rabaul. This Ancient and beautiful place has an intriguing and tumultuous history. Deep in the jungle/forest near Rabaul’s base, a group of archeologist unearth a highly-developed, ancient civilization. Among the amazing relics found, a mysterious amulet is discovered that is believed to hold long forgotten technological secrets. Secrets that could threaten the welfare of the planet. This amulet had remained forever lost, until now.

When world powers learn of this discovery, rogue groups from around the world race to capture the amulet and its secrets. The amulet’s secrets would give the owner great power. The Prime Minister of PNG requests that the President of the United States send an elite team of Military operatives to return the amulet to its rightful place. Rising to the call for action, the President dispatches both an elite team and a backup team of action movie heroes (Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Michael Jai White, Cynthia Rothrock & more). They enter PNG under the guise of making an action film, when in reality; it is their mission to return the amulet. They are THE B-TEAM and this, is their story.

In order to keep up the facade that the B-TEAM Members Wilson, Rothrock and White are just shooting a movie, they bring their family members along as added cover. While the Team risks their lives; their families discover the extraordinary beauty and sites of PNG. Through various missions, chases, fights, streaks of good luck, streaks of bad luck and treks through the jungle (Shenanigans, etc.) The heroes get close to securing the amulet while appearing to be making a film. The elite team ends up serving as a distraction to the rouge groups, etc while the B-Team-ers make exceptional progress.

No word on if this will hit theaters or be strictly direct to video…
Don Wilson Cynthia Rothrock
via Crave
Image source

Baby Dolls Behind Bars (Review)

Baby Dolls Behind Bars


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Actual police uniform!

Once again we step into the wonderful world of films from late night Cinemax! And once again, it’s a Fred Olen Ray joint! Yes, Baby Dolls Behind Bars is more 2am camp for your viewing pleasure. Even though the company name on the door is now Synthetic Filmwerx LLC as opposed to Retromedia or American Independent Productions, the cast is the same gang and the locations and music are all familiar elements. These erotic parody Bikini flicks are the ultimate rep theater, reusing plots and actors to come up with interesting scenarios and B-movie inspired plotlines at a rapid pace that would kill many big money Hollywood production companies. It’s modern day movie magic, even studios like The Asylum or some of the SyFy Channel companies don’t reuse sets and actors so efficiently, nor are they as creative.

Of course, since these flicks feature people bumping uglies as their main attraction, they aren’t going to get all the high praise from the critics. But we here at TarsTarkas.NET will high praise whoever we damn well please! You can take your Tomato-meter and toss it out a window! Because the point of these films is to have a good entertaining time while also providing naked people engaging in recreational activities that involve nakedness, the added imagination and fun are a welcome addition and the reason it is so much fun to watch each installment.

And Catwoman fan fiction has hit the big time!

This time we jump into the world of Women in Prison flicks. Remember, this is a Bikini flick, so don’t expect one of them dirty, gritty women in prison flicks. This is a bubblegum camp women in prison flick style similar to Bikini Chain Gang. It’s still low budget. In fact, outside of the main actors, there are no extras at all, not even other prisoners or even guards at the prison! Must be minimum security. All the familiar elements that make these films so charming are there, including a plot that I expect Law & Order: SVU to rip off next season!

We have an entire collection of Fred Olen Ray Bikini flick goodies for you to also check out: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Airways, Bikini Royale, Bikini Frankenstein, Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite, Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Chain Gang, Bikini Pirates, and Dirty Blondes From Beyond. They feature the entire gauntlet of B-film scenarios and wacky goofiness, which means an actual plot to go along with the softcore shenanigans.

I’m just so….evil! I love it!

But enough about other films, it’s time to check out these Baby Dolls Behind Bars!

Sissy Dunlop (Jazy Berlin) – Ditzy police officer who does the right thing even if it angers the mayor’s family. She stands up to power and doesn’t let them get off above your fellow man. And she probably doesn’t even know they’re powerful. Her family is a poor mountain family like all police officers everywhere.
Matron Grell (Christine Nguyen) – Matron of the jail who will be giving Sissy a hard time while she’s doing hard time. Also possibly evil…
Maggie Grey (Erika Jordan) – The famous cat burglar (who probably enjoys being on hot tin roofs, if you know what I mean…) who has been caught but is somehow still stealing things. It is a mystery!
Jack Randolph (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – A defense attorney who becomes obsessed with freeing Sissy from her bonds and from her clothes.
Inspector Bill Hartford (Michael Gaglio) – Cop in charge of the undercover program to send Sissy to find out about Maggie’s dealings and thievings. I’m sure he’s on the level.
Judge Raymond Bean (Dale DaBone as Dale Rutter) – The most casual judge in the universe, and also one of the most crafty.
Baker (Jenna Presley) – She may seem like just a court stenographer, but she’s also a great planner and comes up with the megaplot to expose corruption!
Security Guard (Jade Starr) – The crafty security guard who takes down one of the world’s greatest thieves and still has some fun…
I’m no expert, but I think they should be wearing flip-flops in that communal shower…