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Choking Game Lifetime

The Choking Game (Review)

The Choking Game

Choking Game Lifetime
2014
Teleplay by Jen Klein
Based on the book
Choke by Diana Lopez
Directed by Lane Shefter Bishop

Choking Game Lifetime

Just massaging my neck really really really tightly!


Lifetime is the fertile crescent of exploitation drama, and The Choking Game is yet another entry into the canon. Once again, a dangerous teen fad threatens the lives of everyone and everything, particularly our main character Taryn. The fad is teens choking themselves, by which they get a brief high when fresh oxygen rushes into their brains. This method has been around for ages, I remember people talking about it when I was in grade school back in the 14th century. But thanks to the power of people writing books about it, and then promoting their books by showing up on news program scare segments, things have taken a life of their own. Unlike things like rainbow parties, people actually do choke themselves, and like much of what teenagers do, it is pretty darn stupid.

The choking game is presented by temptress Nina as the ultimate way to be in control, because if you are in control of your breathing, you are in control of your life. Plus the oxygen high boost gives you lots of self-confidence without the problems that drugs and alcohol bring to the table. It’s basically the perfect way to get high, provided you don’t do it over concrete and fall down and hit your head like a scrub. The way the choking and trust aspects are handled in the film, you could subscribe all sorts of sexual subtext to it, making Taryn and Nina’s secret also a lesbian relationship. Perhaps an alternate title should have been Blue is the Chokest Color

Choking Game Lifetime

A scene from The Craft is breaking out here!


The biggest problem with The Choking Game is it takes a while to get going. We spend a lot of time with Taryn listening to her complain about her life before we get to the choking. When it does get going, it gets pretty fun, even if it is heavy handed (with multiple characters giving multiple speeches about how Taryn changed, most notably Ryder at the party). The Choking Game handles social media well, showing it’s presence with some popups, but not having it be the focus, just an aspect of life.

Forget those facts and things, we’re here for the Lifetime trainwreck spectacle, so let’s bring on the life ruining! It’s choking time! (SPOILERS below for those of you who worry about being spoiled about a Lifetime choking movie!)

Choking Game Lifetime

At least the choking game is more fun than Scrabble!


Taryn (Freya Tingley) – Taryn is a typical high school senior dealing with the pressure of being a high school senior with not a lot of bad things happening in her life, thus it’s the worst life ever! Taryn doesn’t have anything in her life figured out, and doesn’t even know what she wants to do after school. She does brag that she’s totally been to third base, for real. She enthusiastically embraces choking and the choking lifestyle, even as it destroys her life. For some reason she plays Tauren when playing World of Warcraft.
Nina (Alex Steele) – Nina is the mysterious new girl with a secret, the secret being she loves to choke herself 24/7. She trashes high school culture in a way that throws Taryn for a loop, but makes her instantly attracted to her. It’s all choking, all the time with Nina, and soon Taryn, as Nina introduces her to a whole new world. Nina’s mom is single and on a date with a different guy each night, leaving only frozen dinners and no attention.
Elena (Beverly Ndukwu) – Taryn’s best friend who also has plans for Taryn to be her roommate in college. Advice: never be roommates with your best friend. Elena begins to freak out when Taryn begins spending all her time with Nina and not Elena.
Heidi (Peri Gilpin) – Taryn’s over-bearing mother who is over-bearing out of concern and not because she’s manipulative or anything. Heidi raised Taryn as a single mother and feels guilt over Taryn being a latchkey kid for so long. I did appreciate how they made her more three-dimensional than usual. Is married to Will (Ray Galletti), who is constantly trying to get her to not be so hard on Taryn.
Ryder (Mitch Ainley) – The guy Taryn has been crushing on forever, now newly single and interested in Taryn, though neither one bothers to ask the other out. You know Taryn and Ryder are made for each other, because they both have useless Y’s in their names!
Courtney (Ferron Guerreiro) – Courtney is the coolest girl in school, and she is always seen with a pack of girls following her as she snarks on the GPs (the General Population, aka the not-cool kids). Courtney is also way into choking herself because she really has low self-esteem.
Choking Game Lifetime

Look, play the choking game all you want, but make sure you win, dammit!

Popfan Lifetime Chelsea Kane

Misery loves a PopFan on Lifetime!

Popfan Lifetime Chelsea Kane

I made the sauce with placenta leftover from when I kidnapped Britney Spears!


What if we gender-swapped Misery and made the victim a pop princess? Then you’d get the upcoming Lifetime Original movie PopFan!

A young pop star looking to recreate herself and her sound on a quiet trip to Maine is caught in a storm, crashes her car, and rescued by a young man who takes her to his secluded lighthouse to recuperate. But she soon discovers that he is not just her rescuer, but a mentally unstable and obsessed fan who believes she is the image created in her videos.

What could be a sensual romance book becomes a disturbing psychological terror thanks to the twist! But just how crazy is this lighthouse guy? I’m guessing pretty crazy, but there is no trailer up yet, so this is all a guess. But I’m pretty accurate with my crazy guesses.

PopFan stars Chelsea Kane – aka Chelsea Staub – who was Meredith Baxter Dimly from Bratz! So I’ll just view PopFan as a sequel to Bratz, because it’s not like we’re going to get a real sequel (unless you count Pretty Little Liars. Maybe we should…) It also stars Nolan Gerard Funk, who has a big enough fanbase they’ve been following the film since it was known as Lighthouse. Yes, Lifetime renamed another flick!

The director of PopFan is Vanessa Parise – who directed Status: Unknown, and is written by Angela Mancuso (who cowrote Aladdin and the Death Lamp and Pegasus vs. Chimera) and Dean Orion (Who wrote some episodes of The Invisible Man)

PopFan premieres Saturday, August 23rd on Lifetime! It will be the best film about a pop princess kidnapped by a guy who lives in a lighthouse you will ever see that night!

via Lifetime

Beast of the Yellow Night RiffTrax

The Beast of the Yellow Night – New RiffTrax VOD!

RiffTrax is rapidly becoming your source of beasts and beast-like objects. With their new film, The Beast of the Yellow Night, the prior VOD The Bride and the Beast, and…uh.. Yeah. Beasts. But there is weird stuff going on, beasts, a terrible mask, confusion, confusion on what color the night is, confusion on the location, confusion on why I was talking about beasts earlier in this paragraph, and general riffing and riff-like objects. Basically, this is the kind of film you love to see get the MST3K treatment!

Buy it now at RiffTrax.com!

Beast of the Yellow Night! No, it’s not a cleverly-named Simpsons Treehouse of Horror segment, it’s a movie! A movie about a man named Langdon and his deal with the devil. Langdon’s deal doesn’t involve a fiddle made of gold, it’s more about turning into a monster with a face straight out of the mask section at Spencer’s Gifts. Also the devil is not so much the traditional “pitchfork and horns” type, he’s more of a fat ghost with a bad hairline who travels with his own fog machine. And the fog machine seems to break down a lot. But hey, are you a fan of “yellow nights”??? Because the movie doesn’t actually have any of those.

As far as we can tell, Langdon is some kind of undead murder spirit, sent by the fat devil ghost to do evil stuff at different points in history. Like Quantum Leap, but with slightly more cannibalism. This incarnation finds him in a beautiful home, with a beautiful wife, but rather than asking himself “how did I get here?” or just enjoying this luxurious life, he gets mad and ruins it all. If none of this is making sense, keep in mind the filmmakers didn’t even bother to specify a setting for their movie more clearly than “A Country in Southeast Asia.”

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill in going completely mad trying to figure out what exactly is supposed to be happening in Beast of the Yellow Night!

Beast of the Yellow Night RiffTrax

Sexy Warriors

Sexy Warriors (Review)

Sexy Warriors

Sexy Warriors
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

I’m so fancy!

Sexy Warriors brings the Amazonian women of the Isle of Lesbos into the modern day, where two time travelers experience the modern world while on their respective quests. As usual for Bikini–>Retromedia–>Synthetic Filmwerx productions, things are a lot of fun and plenty of goofy stuff happens along the way.

Sexy Warriors

Hey, put away the phallic symbol, we got enough subtext already!


There is plenty in this film to love. Things I am specifically glad about: The lesbian character Rita doesn’t get “turned” into a non-lesbian by having sex with one of the males. That there is a black character at all (rare as heck for a softcore film!) That the personal protection mentioned by Gail is mace and not a gun. That this is the only softcore I’ve even heard people discussing safe sex.

Any one of those things could be turned into a whole paragraph of praise by itself, but the combination is a win for everyone everywhere! All those points are things that make Sexy Warriors different from many of its contemporaries, even those from the same production house. Everyone is on point with the acting. Christine Nguyen fits right into the unsure girlfriend/mentor role, Jazy Berlin makes a hilarious fish out of water Amazon, Voodoo plays an arrogant loudmouth almost too well, Erica Jordan has fun playing the stern Amazonian lady, and Misty Stone better become a regular in these films after her awesome performance. It was also great to see cool dude Brandon Ruckdashel and cool dude Ted Newsom, even if both had little to do.

Sexy Warriors

Take that, inanimate carbon rod!


Diana and Athena come from different Amazon tribes: Diana is from the River Tribe, while Athena is Queen of the Mountain Tribe. The Mountain Tribe looks down on the River Folk, and are the presumed rulers of the Isle. This adds a culture conflict to the already differing goals of the two ladies. Athena always tries to assert her will over others, only going along with Rita and Mark’s plans because Rita is a woman, and summarily taking it over once she’s on television. She agrees to Gail’s solution for the conflict, both due to Gail being a woman, and because it involves not having lots of men around, thus leaving the culture still in control. Athena achieves her goals, while Diana acquires an acceptable substitute for her people’s wants. Everyone ends up happy, it’s a wonder the Amazonians aren’t still around. Maybe they are, lying in wait, preparing to strike the world when we least expect it. Which would be right after a movie features them. So…Look out!
Sexy Warriors

I just realized! We’re in a movie, none of this is real!


Diana (Jazy Berlin) – Amazonian fighter from the River Tribe, is on a quest to help her people and becomes displaced in time. Now she must survive modern day Los Angeles all while experiencing all sorts of new sensations and avoiding her rival, Athena.
Athena (Erika Jordan) – The Queen of the Mountain Tribe and vehemently anti-men. Follows Diana through time to stop her on her quest. Is focused on her mission, and becomes annoyed as she’s relegated to the sideshow.
Gail (Christine Nguyen) – Owner of a semi-successful gym who is obsessed with ancient warrior ladies. Is sort of dating Eric, but things aren’t officially exclusive yet, thus she dabbles in several other characters. Finds Diana when she materializes in her gym, and shows her the ropes of modern society.
Mark (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Loudmouth gym patron who gets an idea to become filthy rich by exploiting Athena, but just ends up having filthy sex by the end.
Rita (Misty Stone) – Gym patron who likes the ladies. She teams up with Mark to try to exploit Athena for monetary gain, but regrets the decision and leaves. Can more than keep up with Mark’s quick mouth.
Eric (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Gail’s boyfriend who is in the middle of a bunch of stuff and trying to think through how their relationship should be. But he realizes he needs her.
Mario (Alec Knight) – Friend of Gail who is into touching strange women inappropriately. He’s also really into women making him breakfast.
Morty (Ted Newsom) – Morty is one of the most watched television hosts in history. Or at least by people who are relevant to the plot! Has Athena on his show, where she puts out the call to locate Diana.
Sexy Warriors

Look, let’s argue about which Police Academy sequel was the best later, it’s time for dinner! Also, it was definitely Police Academy 3: Back in Training!

Stranded in Paradise Hallmark Channel

Hallmark leaves you Stranded in Paradise!

Stranded in Paradise Hallmark Channel

They’ll pave this and put up a parking lot…over my dead body!

http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/strandedinparadise

Hallmark pumps out original movies in a regular fashion, so it’s high time TarsTarkas.NET started covering their movies more and possibly even watching and reviewing them if I have time and space on the DVR and they don’t get in the way of the Lifetime movies. So in that spirit of “Sure, why not?”, it’s time to talk about Stranded in Paradise, the most recent Hallmark Original Movie, premiering August 9th on Hallmark Channel!

Tess Nelson (Vanessa Marcil) is a poised and confident human resources executive who is aiming for a well-deserved promotion, but when her boss informs her she’s being laid off instead, Tess is furious and worried about letting down her demanding mother, Mona (Cindy Pickett). Determined to use a business trip to an HR convention in Puerto Rico to score a new job, she is discouraged when the trip is a disaster from the start and an approaching hurricane makes it impossible to fly home. But, after bumping into a handsome fellow traveler, Carter (James Denton), Tess opens up to the possibilities beyond her desk job, and the couple’s adventures on the island bring them closer while the hurricane rolls in. With help from a fearless and friendly local, Stella (Gladys Rodri´guez), Carter, and Tess take shelter. Will Tess’ unanticipated risk lead her to a happiness she never dreamed of and a love that goes beyond a week in paradise?

Well, that’s a welcome change from being murdered in paradise, like you would have been on Lifetime! Stranded in Paradise is one of those movies about finding yourself that’s target to a more female audience. That doesn’t mean those films are bad, they just aren’t the usual science fiction/drama stuff. It stars Vanessa Marcil (The Rock), James Denton (Desperate Housewives), Cindy Pickett (Elf Sparkle and the Special Red Dress), and Gladys Rodríguez (The Caller)

Stranded in Paradise directed by Bert Kish (Snow Bride) and is written by Tracy Andreen (also Snow Bride) Check it out August 9th on Hallmark Channel!

via Hallmark

Saved by the Bell Lifetime Unauthorized

The Lifetime Saved by the Bell movie dropped a preview trailer!

Saved by the Bell Lifetime Unauthorized

Unfortunately, the trailer is on…BUZZFEED! Whatever barfo deal they worked out with Buzzfeed that means I have to go freaking Buzzfeed to look at an unembeddable trailer is annoying. But I do get bonus smugness because the Buzzfeed “article” is shorter than most of my news articles and mostly copy/pasted. But then I lose the smugness when I realize the writer got paid for this crap and is probably getting bonus pay thanks to all the links for views, including the one here. Oh well, fuck that guy. But what is important is this preview shows the cast of Bayside High HATES each other, and that’s awesome. It’s also all set to Bell Biv DeVoe’s Poison, which is also awesome.

We got girls being catty, girls being flirty, competitive pushups, Screech calling Slater a “prick”, Mark-Paul Gosselaar not giving a crap, and executives making snide remarks about hormones. It’s awesome. Have I mentioned that? Thunderstorms and lightning and hail couldn’t keep me from watching this!

The cast:
Dylan Everett as Mark-Paul Gosselaar
Sam Kindseth as Dustin Diamond
Julian Works as Mario Lopez
Alyssa Lynch as Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
Tiera Skovbye as Elizabeth Berkley
Taylor Russell McKenzie as Lark Voorhies

It’s directed by Jason Lapeyre (who made I Declare War), with a teleplay by Ron McGee (Girl vs. Monster).

The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story airs September 1st on Lifetime!

via (sigh) Buzzfeed