Sexy Warriors (Review)

Sexy Warriors

Sexy Warriors
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

I’m so fancy!

Sexy Warriors brings the Amazonian women of the Isle of Lesbos into the modern day, where two time travelers experience the modern world while on their respective quests. As usual for Bikini–>Retromedia–>Synthetic Filmwerx productions, things are a lot of fun and plenty of goofy stuff happens along the way.

Sexy Warriors

Hey, put away the phallic symbol, we got enough subtext already!

There is plenty in this film to love. Things I am specifically glad about: The lesbian character Rita doesn’t get “turned” into a non-lesbian by having sex with one of the males. That there is a black character at all (rare as heck for a softcore film!) That the personal protection mentioned by Gail is mace and not a gun. That this is the only softcore I’ve even heard people discussing safe sex.

Any one of those things could be turned into a whole paragraph of praise by itself, but the combination is a win for everyone everywhere! All those points are things that make Sexy Warriors different from many of its contemporaries, even those from the same production house. Everyone is on point with the acting. Christine Nguyen fits right into the unsure girlfriend/mentor role, Jazy Berlin makes a hilarious fish out of water Amazon, Voodoo plays an arrogant loudmouth almost too well, Erica Jordan has fun playing the stern Amazonian lady, and Misty Stone better become a regular in these films after her awesome performance. It was also great to see cool dude Brandon Ruckdashel and cool dude Ted Newsom, even if both had little to do.

Sexy Warriors

Take that, inanimate carbon rod!

Diana and Athena come from different Amazon tribes: Diana is from the River Tribe, while Athena is Queen of the Mountain Tribe. The Mountain Tribe looks down on the River Folk, and are the presumed rulers of the Isle. This adds a culture conflict to the already differing goals of the two ladies. Athena always tries to assert her will over others, only going along with Rita and Mark’s plans because Rita is a woman, and summarily taking it over once she’s on television. She agrees to Gail’s solution for the conflict, both due to Gail being a woman, and because it involves not having lots of men around, thus leaving the culture still in control. Athena achieves her goals, while Diana acquires an acceptable substitute for her people’s wants. Everyone ends up happy, it’s a wonder the Amazonians aren’t still around. Maybe they are, lying in wait, preparing to strike the world when we least expect it. Which would be right after a movie features them. So…Look out!
Sexy Warriors

I just realized! We’re in a movie, none of this is real!

Diana (Jazy Berlin) – Amazonian fighter from the River Tribe, is on a quest to help her people and becomes displaced in time. Now she must survive modern day Los Angeles all while experiencing all sorts of new sensations and avoiding her rival, Athena.
Athena (Erika Jordan) – The Queen of the Mountain Tribe and vehemently anti-men. Follows Diana through time to stop her on her quest. Is focused on her mission, and becomes annoyed as she’s relegated to the sideshow.
Gail (Christine Nguyen) – Owner of a semi-successful gym who is obsessed with ancient warrior ladies. Is sort of dating Eric, but things aren’t officially exclusive yet, thus she dabbles in several other characters. Finds Diana when she materializes in her gym, and shows her the ropes of modern society.
Mark (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Loudmouth gym patron who gets an idea to become filthy rich by exploiting Athena, but just ends up having filthy sex by the end.
Rita (Misty Stone) – Gym patron who likes the ladies. She teams up with Mark to try to exploit Athena for monetary gain, but regrets the decision and leaves. Can more than keep up with Mark’s quick mouth.
Eric (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Gail’s boyfriend who is in the middle of a bunch of stuff and trying to think through how their relationship should be. But he realizes he needs her.
Mario (Alec Knight) – Friend of Gail who is into touching strange women inappropriately. He’s also really into women making him breakfast.
Morty (Ted Newsom) – Morty is one of the most watched television hosts in history. Or at least by people who are relevant to the plot! Has Athena on his show, where she puts out the call to locate Diana.

Sexy Warriors

Look, let’s argue about which Police Academy sequel was the best later, it’s time for dinner! Also, it was definitely Police Academy 3: Back in Training!

We begin on the Isle of Lesbos (Now that’s where you want to start a story!) in 3000 BC. Athenian warriors Diana and Athena are each sneaking through the forest. Diana locates the Mystic Orb of Atos, with Athena right behind her. Tempers flare, and soon the two fighting femmes battle with swords. This isn’t The Raid, so don’t be expecting a magical swashbuckling battle, just watch the two ladies wave their swords at each other for a few seconds. Diana clobbers Athena upside the head, knocking her out.

This buys her time to go chat with the Mystic Orb of Atos, which is rumored to grant wishes to those that are worthy. Diana prays to the Orb to grant her wish to find what she needs to save her people, and is soon vanished away.

Meanwhile in modern day LA, we’re at a gym. Gina’s Gym! Which has extras, and a black character! I like this film already!

Mark is pumping iron and complaining, and making passes at Rita, who is laughingly blowing him off. Gail announces the gym is closing in ten minutes, and they all need to go shower. Rita wants Gail to turn the gym into a female only workout club, but Gail wants to get paid enough to eat, so nothing doing for now.

Also everyone except Gail and Mark leave to go shower. Hmmm… Gail always reads books about Amazon women, and Mark dismisses that as a load of feminist crap. Gail halfheartedly mentions her boyfriend Eric, but not heartedly enough to stave off Mark’s advances and soon they are doing all sorts of workout puns on the bench. Presses, squats, there are simply so many working out sex puns I could make, I’m stuck! It’s paralysis of analysis! Which can also be a sex pun! ARGH! Damn you, workout sex puns!

After the “workout”, Mark leaves, and suddenly there is an explosion and Diana appears in the gym! She demands to know where she is from Gail, but has no clue what Gail’s Gym means. Gail immediately asks if she’s an Amazon, and Diana agrees. Diana remembers that she’s on a quest to get something to save her people, but can’t remember exactly what due to the time travel effects. Gail proposes that what she seeks must be nearby, or the Orb wouldn’t have sent her right there. First, Diana needs food and rest, so Gail invites her to her place…

Thus begins the culture shocks. Gail says no one uses swords anymore, and shows Diana mace as modern protection. Diana is doubtful the can of mace could do anything useful. Diana is then confused by refrigeration and running water. She’s also never heard of men. Gail supposes that’s what she’s looking for to save her people – men! Diana has doubts, because her people have no use for men. They don’t even need them for sex… which she demonstrates on the all-too-willing Gail!

That night, Gail gets Diana all dressed up (Diana at first wants to wear a pajama gown out!) and they go to the local bar. The bar where everyone from the gym hangs out, I guess, as it’s all the same extras. Diana’s dress is slit down past her navel, which gets all the guys staring (and earns one guy an angry girlfriend!) After ordering drinks (where Diana learns they no longer serve ambrosia), the two discuss relationships. Gail mentions her boyfriend and how things aren’t going so well, thus she’s wandering, and Diana calls monogamy backwards.

Sexy Warriors

Time is a flat circle

Gail’s friend Mario comes by and manhandles Diana, and gets a threat in return. But as Gail vouches for him, Diana agrees to let him pay for drinks and goes back to his place to find out about what this sex stuff with men is all about. Diana is confused when Gail mentions to have safe sex, as she left her sword at home…

Diana is confused by the light switch at Mario’s place, and also by his lack of boobs. And by his dong (“Great Hera, what is that?!”) They then work on unconfusing her in that matter.

The next morning at the gym, Mark and Rita argue about why the gym is so empty, with Rita saying the gym could be so much more successful if Gail put in the right work. Rita doesn’t have the money to buy the gym herself. Neither does Mark, but he proposes they be partners and come up with an idea for the dough. Rita thinks about it, but doesn’t miss a chance to drop insults on Mark.

Back in the past, Athena wakes up and has the Orb transport her to where Diana went. Which means she pops up in the gym where only Rita and Mark are. Athena demands answers about Diana, which neither of them know anything about. But we do get a cool quote:

“Amazon? That’s tight.” – Rita

Athena is uninterested in men, of which she’s only heard rumors. She fails to find Mark an interesting enough specimen to even bother with. Athena proves very very strong, enough that Mark gets the idea to put her on tv, thus getting enough money for him and Rita to buy the gym.

Rita tries some “convincing” on Athena that she can help her find Diana: i.e. they get it on. Time for more gym puns, more paralysis, more worries. Damn you, workout sex puns!

This gym sees a lot of action. My gym is far too gross, anyone attempting to have sex in it would probably just catch athlete’s foot on every square inch of their body.

Diana returns to Gail’s apartment, Mario having kicked her out and sent her home in a cab after she refused to make him breakfast. What a winner! Diana theorizes that he’s not the man she was meant to find as she’s still there and not transported back home.

Gail’s boyfriend Eric barges in and starts complaining, wondering why Gail’s not at work but couldn’t skip work to go with him to a concert, and also confused about who the heck Diana is and complaining about not having sex recently, which is a weird complaint to make in front of a random stranger. We’re getting an entire dysfunctional relationship dump in a few sentences!

Diana says she won’t have sex with Eric because he’s Gail’s boyfriend and the exclusivity rules of modern day, but Gail allows it and Eric agrees despite still having no idea what the heck is going on. Also Gail joins in. And we get the “Dun dun dun” song!

Rita and Mark take Athena to meet a tv host named Morty, by convincing her that she can use television to broadcast out to reach Diana. Morty is sitting alone at a diner and isn’t keen on being disturbed, but they convince him to put Athena on his show by having Athena bend a very heavy steel pipe that is in no way a fake prop.

After the meeting, Mark tries to convince Athena that everything is okay, but she still doesn’t trust him and only trusts Rita. Rita is in the shower doing what always happens in the shower in these movies. By that I don’t mean she actually just takes a shower!

Rita then helps reassure Athena, and Morty calls to confirm the show. Rita’s also having second thoughts about exploiting Athena for financial gain.

Sexy Warriors

I am Groot!

Gail and Eric have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship talk where they decide they love each other and are now 100% exclusive (they weren’t before, therefore her cheating wasn’t really cheating, just improper…) The big problem here is Brandon Ruckdashel is just so charming, that you want to see him locked into a cool relationship, so this was bound to happen. They then watch tv, luckily they watch Morty’s show, as everyone watches Morty’s show. Why wouldn’t you watch Morty’s show? His name is Morty, that’s worth like 130,000 ratings points alone! They see him introduce Athena, and are shocked that there is another Amazon woman around. Diana explains that the Mountain Tribe shunned the very idea of men, and that’s why they tried to stop her from going to the Orb.

Mario is also watching Morty’s show, and when the call goes out that they are looking for Diana, he calls, because there’s a reward! Mario, what a stand up guy. By that I mean he’ll stand up when he acts like a jerk to you!

Rita has finally had enough of the taking advantage of Athena thing and quits.

Diana is packing to go, but Athena and Mark burst in. Diana doesn’t have her sword, but instead uses Gail’s mace – declaring it isn’t sorcery, it’s technology! Athena is sprayed in the face, but due to her Amazonian strength, she doesn’t have horribly irritated eyes or other issues.

Diana then tries to convince Athena that she should give men a chance so she can decide if they are the solution. As Eric is now 100% in a relationship, that means it’s going to be Mark that gets tested. He’s more than enthused, and Athena is rather rough in her lovemaking enthusiasm.

Gail, Eric, and Diana play charades while waiting in the living room.

After all is said and done, Athena declares they still don’t need men. Gail is confused because how are they going to procreate, but Diana explains they don’t need men to procreate, she just wanted a man to please the ladies, and the Mountain Tribe disagrees about the man pleasing thing. So Gail has an idea….

A vibrator! Thus they go back with the device and the day is saved. At least until (as Diana points out), the batteries die. Someone invent batteries….stat!

All in all, some pretty fun goofy softcore, with plenty of scenes to please and plenty of entertaining plot in between. The stronger and defined characters help sell the script, and things are incredibly cheeseball without turning stupid. One of the stronger recent entries.

Sexy Warriors

It’s a living!

Rated 9/10 (logo, as seen on “Smart Bitches Trashy Books”, not a lightsaber, hand drawn Buddha?, familiar extra, extra, extra, girlfriend extra, ceramic dog)

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Sexy Warriors

How any decent movie should begin!

Sexy Warriors

I need to get out of here before a Blair Witch sequel breaks out!

Sexy Warriors

Hey, remember when kids used to play marbles? I was really popular then. Now I just sit around and watch reruns of college football games all day. Sigh…

Sexy Warriors

Hey, can I get a free membership at this gym if my name is Jim?

Sexy Warriors

That’s not how you use a punching bag! Idiots!

Sexy Warriors

The sauna sprung a leak!

Sexy Warriors

J-Lo angry that Jazy Berlin wore it better!

Sexy Warriors

She’s like Popeye, except young and hot instead of an old ugly sailor!

Sexy Warriors

We got to keep the title accurate, right?

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