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Emmanuelle Sex Talk

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

 Emmanuelle Sex Talk
2003?
Written and directed by Jean-Jacques Lamore (pretty sure this is Alain Siritzky)
Loosely based on a character created by Emmanuelle Arsan

 Emmanuelle Sex Talk

A rubdown is needed after enduring a lecture about all the various Emmanuelle series…


Every few years that is a new Emmanuelle series, each iteration becoming more and more removed from the source novel and films to the point where the only connection is the name. Emmanuelle has had all sorts of adventures all over the world (and like all good franchises, she both went to space and fought Dracula!) As it can get time consuming and expensive to track down all copies of all the Emmanuelle series, it’s often more efficient to just pick one to represent the whole group. Especially since the guy who has been churning out Emmanuelle series (and other similar softcore series), Alain Siritzky, sometimes makes the films so they can be edited into either half hour episodes or full movies.

Each Emmanuelle series has their own star as Emmanuelle. The original Emmanuelle was Sylvia Kristel, who was in four of the original Emmanuelle films and played an older Emmanuelle in at least on television series. Prior Emmanuelle series include the Emmanuelle 2000 run, which starred Holly Sampson as Emmanuelle (and we reviewed sample film Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise). The most famous series among cable aficionados are the Emmanuelle In Space films, which starred future Baywatch actress Krista Allen. The most recent series starred Allie Haze (as Brittany Joy), but you can rest assured that Emmanuelle will never die.

Natasja Vermeer played Emmanuelle in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, of which Emmanuelle: Sex Talk is a member. Emmanuelle has been played as a brilliant super charismatic well-connected hero who swooped in to solve the problems of whichever couples were nearby. This Emmanuelle is less of a genius who solves problems, but she’s still considered the center of attention. We know this more because the film tells us, instead of us seeing it in action. From the way I explained it, you can tell that she doesn’t come off as very knowledgeable at all. In fact, Emmanuelle becomes more of a mystery as to why anyone even knows her. This is not helped by the subplot of giving Emmanuelle a mystery of her own to figure out (and I will freely admit it may be hurting the attempts to make her appear smart in my eyes.)

 Emmanuelle Sex Talk

Another Emmanuelle history lesson victim!


The Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series of Emmanuelle films are filled with vignettes that are told either by flashback, or by radio callers who tell them to Brittany O’Dell. These are scenes that have no connection to the film aside from sporadic narration, and were filmed with a different style of digital camera. The look of the actors and the lack of any spoken words leads me to believe the scenes are from overseas somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know if they were filmed specifically for the Emmanuelle films or were something the production company acquired and threw in to save some dough. I do know that they were rather weird. Something about them were just off, I can’t really explain it.

Natasja Vermeer recorded some of the songs that were used in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, for those of you who are soundtrack trivia buffs.

Emmanuelle (Natasja Vermeer) – Never fear, Emmanuelle is here, and things are about to get sexy. Emmanuelle is on a journey for stuff to happen around her, and also she gets a mysterious letter and random sex nymphs visit her, but beyond that, much of the action happens outside of Emmanuelle’s worldview.
Brittany O’Dell (Angela Nicholas as Angela Davies) – Radio host who has a deranged stalker, which is somehow sexy and not incredibly disturbing. And she’s friend with Emmanuelle.
Lisa (Valerie Baber) – Emmanuelle’s massage partner (and more!) whose boyfriend wants to have a threesome. That eventually happens. Valerie Baber is now an author and sex journalist
 Emmanuelle Sex Talk

Wait, HOW many different Emmanuelle films???

golem Sleepy Hollow

Goon Blogs from Cinema Discusso

Cookie Monster eating movie reel

Goons have blogs, and Something Awful’s Cinema Discusso goons have movie blogs! Here is a list of known sites, any additions feel free to bug me and I’ll get around to adding them whenever. Thanks to CloseFriend for compiling the alpha version of this list.

Turban Decay (CloseFriend)
TarsTarkas.NET (Tars Tarkas)
Pre-Code.com (Sheldrake)
ShotContext (penismightier)
Matthew Clark (echoplex)
Alcohollywood (Hewlett)
The Professor Clumsy Variety Hour (ProfessorClumsy)
A Visual Medium (Vargo)
—automaticcinematic (Jeff Wiiver)
Wag The Movie (BigBudgetSequel)
Club Parnassus (Maxwell Lord)
Martin Teller’s Movie Reviews (FitFortDanga)
Comics Chat (Dickeye)
NickRob.Tumblr.com (NeuroticErotica)
the film ghost (BOAT SHOWBOAT)
GONE TO STRANGE COUNTRY (timeandtide)
Umney’s Alley (ClydeUmney)
chewable newt (wyoming)
Ryan Swartz (Bugblatter)
Old Glory On Film (Jay Dub)
Turn Off The Limelight (TrixRabbi)
Movie Musings (Criminal Minded)
Ghost Hack Uplink (Twisted Ladder)
matt mcdaniel (Aorist)
thereptilereviewer (Benny the Snake)
Game and Watch Reviews (axleblaze)
How did I get here? I am not good with blogs (Adrianics)
10 Reasons Not To Kill Yourself (Geekboy)
Nerd Kryptonite (Geekboy)
Political Theater (Vargo)
LondonCityNights (Mr. Flunchy)
Arm Flailing Techniques (Uncle Boogeyman/Lt. Ken Frankenstein)
Secret of the Sailor Madness (unknown but goon guests)

Here are the links in a format that will let you easily copy/paste onto a forums post
[url=http://turbandecay.blogspot.com/]Turban Decay [/url] (CloseFriend)
[url=http://tarstarkas.net/]TarsTarkas.NET[/url] (Tars Tarkas)
[url=http://pre-code.com/]Pre-Code.com[/url] (Sheldrake)
[url=http://shotcontext.blogspot.com/]ShotContext[/url] (penismightier)
[url=http://clarksworth.tumblr.com/]Matthew Clark[/url] (echoplex)
[url=http://www.alcohollywood.com/]Alcohollywood[/url] (Hewlett)
[url=http://professorclumsy.wordpress.com/]The Professor Clumsy Variety Hour[/url] (ProfessorClumsy)
[url=http://avisualmedium.blogspot.com/]A Visual Medium[/url] (Vargo)
[url=http://automaticcinematic.wordpress.com/]—automaticcinematic[/url] (Jeff Wiiver)
[url=http://wagthemovie.net/]Wag The Movie[/url] (BigBudgetSequel)
[url=http://evanwaters.blogspot.com/]Club Parnassus[/url] (Maxwell Lord)
[url=http://martinteller.wordpress.com/]Martin Teller’s Movie Reviews[/url] (FitFortDanga)
[url=http://comicschat.tumblr.com/]Comics Chat[/url] (Dickeye)
[url=http://nickrob.tumblr.com/]NickRob.Tumblr.com[/url] (NeuroticErotica)
[url=http://thefilmghost.tumblr.com/]the film ghost[/url] (BOAT SHOWBOAT)
[url=http://gonetostrangecountry.blogspot.com/]GONE TO STRANGE COUNTRY[/url] (timeandtide)
[url=http://www.clydeumney.net/]Umney’s Alley[/url] (ClydeUmney)
[url=http://chewablenewt.blogspot.com/]chewable newt[/url] (wyoming)
[url=http://www.ryanswartz.com/blog]Ryan Swartz[/url] (Bugblatter)
[url=http://oldgloryonfilm.tumblr.com/]Old Glory On Film[/url] (Jay Dub)
[url=http://turnoffthelimelight.blogspot.com/]Turn Off The Limelight[/url] (TrixRabbi)
[url=http://mymoviemusings.wordpress.com/]Movie Musings[/url] (Criminal Minded)
[url=http://clumsyghosthack.tumblr.com/]Ghost Hack Uplink[/url] (Twisted Ladder)
[url=http://film.thatmattguy.com/]matt mcdaniel[/url] (Aorist)
[url=http://thereptilereviewer.wordpress.com/]thereptilereviewer[/url] (Benny the Snake)
[url=http://gameandwatchreviews.blogspot.com/]Game and Watch Reviews[/url] (axleblaze)
[url=http://adrianbwilson.tumblr.com/]How did I get here? I am not good with blogs[/url] (Adrianics)
[url=http://northofaverage.tumblr.com/]10 Reasons Not To Kill Yourself[/url] (Geekboy)
[url=http://nerdkryptonite.tumblr.com/”]Nerd Kryptonite[/url] (Geekboy)
[url=http://politicaltheater.tumblr.com/”]Political Theater[/url] (Vargo)
[url=http://www.londoncitynights.com/]LondonCityNights[/url] (Mr. Flunchy)
[url=http://armflailingtechniques.wordpress.com/”]Arm Flailing Techniques[/url] (Uncle Boogeyman/Lt. Ken Frankenstein)
[url=http://secretofthesailormadness.blogspot.ie/]Secret of the Sailor Madness[/url] (unknown but goon guests)

And if you can’t get enough CineD goons (and who can’t?!), then here is the CineD Twitter list!

golem Sleepy Hollow

Sharknado 2: The Second One – Official Sequel Name!

Yep, the second Sharknado will be called Sharknado 2: The Second One! What will the tagline be? “Enough said….AGAIN!” is my vote, but who knows. The title was crowdsourced via twitter from over 5000 entries and revealed on EW.

No further information at this time, so enjoy this fan poster I got from Tumblr:
Sharkcano

Towers of Terror has many smart things to say about the War on Terror

Towers of Terror

I’m seeing double…four Krustys!

I’m kidding, of course, Towers of Terror looks terrible and has only succeeded to get my attention because of the gimmick poster. But don’t fret, this movie involves the planes hitting the towers and the heroic firefighters who then have to fight the zombified terrorists because why the fuck not, right?

Two groups decide to race to the top of each of the World Trade Center buildings on September 11, 2001. The towers are hit by terrorist attacks, but the terrorists don’t die in the plane crash; they resurrect as zombies hell-bent on their mission to destroy America. As these undead jihadists continue on their path of destruction armed with box-cutters and nail-clippers, the Americans must learn to stand united in their patriotism or else face gruesome death in twin 110 story bloodbaths!

Cool, a film that will make Osombie seem dignified and nuanced. I’m sure the producers are proud of their film being so offensive that they get articles like this one complaining about the film. I thought about not bothering to get them press, but, it’s not like this site is a major player or anything! And often, it’s more fun to make fun of dumb stuff like this, because it’s not going to go anywhere, it’s going to be stupid and fall into obscurity. Not because it’s “offensive”, but because the quality looks terrible. Just look at this trailer:

I couldn’t watch the full movie if I tried, and I’ve seen Foodfight. America will be united, in not bothering to watch this movie. So enjoy going nowhere fast, Towers of Terror, your flight is arriving!

Dead Sushi

Dead Sushi

Dead Sushi

aka デッド寿司 aka Deddo Sushi
Dead Sushi
2012
Written by Noboru Iguchi, Makiko Iguchi, and Jun Tsugita
Directed by Noboru Iguchi

Dead Sushi

Summing up Dead Sushi in one picture!


Dead Sushi combines two of my favorite things from low budget Japanese cinema – Rina Takeda and Noboru Iguchi! While I wish these two combined to make something amazing, Dead Sushi turns out to just be above average. While certainly a lot better than either of the prior Iguchi and Takeda films I have seen (Zombie Ass and Kunoichi), Dead Sushi suffers from trying to be too many things. Sure, it’s got zombies, killer sushi, and face kicking, but there is also a big lecture on the proper way to make, eat, and appreciate sushi. Dead Sushi takes as much from Jiro Dreams of Sushi as it does from Machine Girl or High-Kick Girl! Unfortunately, they drag the movie down to a more average range.
Dead Sushi

Finally a movie that isn’t afraid to spit the truth!


The two main attractions to Dead Sushi are the gore effects and the choreography. First – the gore effects are okay, but not so different from what we’ve seen before. The humor comes from the instigators of this gore, living sushi pieces that talk gibberish and fly through the air, skeletonizing people. After the gimmick wears off, Dead Sushi gives us zombies to allow for some actual fighting against something other than CGI and puppets. While zombies are overused and boring (despite these zombies spitting up rice!), the occasional fights against CGI sushi have their fun, and remind me of Birdemic.
Dead Sushi

Why you should never eat cheap take-out rice!


The choreography is less disappointing, and is what you should seek out Dead Sushi for. Rina Takeda’s Keiko is a sushi apprentice to her father, the sushi chef skills giving her karate skills because that’s just how it works. There is some kicking and punching of sushi pieces out of the air, and later some battles against ineffectual zombies. Dead Sushi then shakes things up with Kentaro Shimazu running around with a giant fish head and a gianter axe to battle Rina Takeda, while the one good piece of sushi – Eggy – does battle with a giant CGI sushi battleship. The fights keep you entertained, whoever the stunt guy for Kentaro Shimazu is matches well with Rina Takeda’s moves, giving us nice fighting to entertain the people. Bread and circuses. Or Sushi and Zombies.
Dead Sushi

Shaming the shameless


Keiko (Rina Takeda) – Daughter of a great sushi master, who is angry that she was a girl and thus inferior at making sushi. She runs away in anger, taking a job as a hostess at a hotel. The years of practice at making sushi has honed her skills at fighting, and also given her admirable sushi skills that are recognized by Mr. Sawada. Keiko is also known to lecture on proper sushi etiquette, showing she was paying attention to all her father’s teachings.
Yamada (Kentaro Shimazu) – What seems to be just a homeless guy is actually the former head of new medicine development at Komatsu Pharmaceutical, the company that comes to dine at the hotel for their famous sushi. His project on bringing dead sea life back to life was cancelled, but not without the side effects of turning him into a zombie lord, and he unleashes the infection at the hotel. Evolves into a fishhead form.
Nosaka (Takamasa Suga) – A good guy who isn’t that good, secretly knows what’s going on as the whole outbreak is part of his own sick experiments for Komatsu Pharmaceutical. But the worm will turn…
Yumi Hanamaki (Asami Sugiura) – Hostess at the hotel who worked hard to gain her position, and also married the new owner. Is cheating on her husband Mr. Hanamaki (Takashi Nishina) with arrogant sushi chef Tsuchida.
Mr. Sawada (???) – Nice guy at work, was an arrogant sushi chef at the inn until he accidentally stabbed his wife and became knifephobic.
Eggy (himself) – an egg sushi that is spurned by all the seafood-based sushi, Eggy turns good and uses his acid egg juice squirting ability to aid Keiko and Mr. Sawada.
Dead Sushi

Better than the movie Battleship!

Godzilla Marvel 22

Sharktopus hits trilogy! – Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda and Sharktopus vs. Mermantula!

Sharktopus roared to life on SyFy and really kicked the animal combination movies into high gear. And now, Sharktopus is back! Okay, Sharktopus’s baby, Sharktopus, is back. For the first time. I bet they often get the wrong mail… Sharktopus the baby does battle with Pteracuda in Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda! Pteracuda is yet another creature created by scientists to do stuff, and you can probably guess which two creatures it is a combination of. Robert Carradine stars.

Never fret, as Sharktopus will soon return with Sharktopus vs. Mermantula! I helped vote to name this one on Twitter, and Roger Corman is awesome and responds to his fans. The plot of SvM:

In order to take down Sharktopus, Ray Brady, a former basketball player is injected with a transformation serum that alters his genetic make-up to become part man, part piranha and part tarantula. Though, unsuccessful at his first attempt to bring down Sharktopus, Ray injects himself with a growth hormone, increasing his strength ten fold and has a final showdown with Sharktopus in a baseball stadium.

Casper Van Dien and Catherine Oxenberg star, and a clip from the dailies is the video at the top of this article.

Matt Yamashita writes both films, and Kevin O’Neill directs. Both films will undoubtedly be on SyFy, and we will be watching! But will Sharktopus fight a Sharknado? And will we get a SyFy film that combines every animal ever?

sharktopus