Sharktopus (Review)


Directed by Declan O’Brien
Written by Mike MacLean

I hate it when people don’t leash their dogs at the beach

Sharktopus is Roger Corman’s latest, having found a new outlet to distribute his films through the SciFi Channel (never SyFy, never!), previous Corman films including Cyclops, Dinoshark, Supergator, and Dinocroc vs. Supergator. Thanks to me moving to a location without SciFi Channel at the moment, I have been slacking off on watching the newer flicks that don’t pop on DVD first, but Sharktopus is a special case so I knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who I traded a rock shaped like Sarah Jessica Parker to for a copy of Sharktopus he recorded off of TV. This is the new economy. I think he got the better end of the deal, but then it’s easy to find rocks shaped like horses– I mean, Sarah Jessica Parker.

Hey, I have glasses AND a ponytail now, that mean’s I’m the smartest one in here

Sharktopus has also ridden the wave of internet interest, just by the name “Sharktopus”. Buzz started immediately, with people trying to figure out what the creature would look like. There had been a recent string of SciFi Channel movies that have produced internet buzz, including Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Megapihrana, and MegaMegaMegaMegaMegaMega earthworm vs Giant Mega Vampire Cow. Granted, internet films don’t really have a big history of succeeding (see Snakes on a Plane) but for a low-budget creature flick on a cable channel, the buzz actually works. It has even succeeded in making an ever-increasing amount of films with ridiculous creature names and films where ridiculous creatures battle ridiculous creatures. Have the films themselves been any good? That’s more of a mixed bag.

But forget the rest of the flicks, this review is about Sharktopus! So let’s judge it against its peers, other SciFi Channel films. Compared to the rest, the acting is pretty darn awful. We usually expect the acting to not be very good, but Sharktopus is a step beyond the normal SciFi Channel mediocrity, even the bit players are worse than the stock bit players. You got to hand it to Bulgarian extras – they aren’t as bad as the spring break extras they got for this one. Since Sharktopus likes to set up different kills, we see a lot of the minor actors for an extended period of time. This becomes disadvantageous as many of them couldn’t act their way out of a paper sharktopus.

Mega Sharktopus vs. Herbie the Love Bug

The good is we see the monster a LOT more than usual, and that’s awesome. Because we want monster monster monster! This also makes it more satisfying when the bad actors get killed.

Dr. Sands (Eric Roberts) – Dr. Sands is the head of Blue Ocean, which makes crazy biological monstrosities to sell to the US Navy. Thus, Sharktopus is born. Dr. Sands then gets more and more drunk and despondent as sharktopus escapes and goes on a rampage, because he’s gonna be out lots of money. But at least he goes good about two seconds before he dies.
Nicole Sands (Sara Malakul Lane) – Dr. Sand’s daughter, and like all smart girls in movies she has glasses. Glasses that disappear later in the film! Sara Malakul Lane is half-Thai, and even starred in at least one Thai film called Match Point.
Andy Flynn (Kerem Bursin) – Andy Flynn was fired for demanding a raise. That bastard! Now he’s rehired to out-sharktopus sharktopus! But Sharktopus is a crafty one. Andy Flynn spends the entire film being a jerky douche, but he’s the hero. Sigh…
Stacy Everheart (Liv Boughn) – A reporter chick and the best actor in the flick. Chases the Sharktopus story with her cameraman Bones and local fisherman Pez. Despite her crew being better and more sympathetic characters, they all die.
Santos (???) – Santos is awesome because we all know he’s going to die, and he does, but at least he’s cool. Only the good die young.
Sharktopus (CGI) – called S-11 probably because then they could use it for anything they decided on calling the film, be it Sharktopus or Octoshark or Jerry. The Sharktopus itself is a rather exceptional SciFi Channel monster, because it is freaking crazy! A shark with tentacle (and an extra octopus mouth on its belly) There was one prior tentacled shark I know about, the one from Shark rosso nell’oceano (aka the MST3K movie Devil Fish.) Whose gonna get sharktopussed? Everyone sharktopus can get his tentacles on!
Eric Roberts – now with 95% more smug

Don’t trip – U Shrktpus?

The Sharktopus theme plays during the opening credits. This may be the first SciFi Channel original with it’s own rocking theme song. How I wish Mansquito had its own theme song.

Hey, you guys ruined the camera!

A is shark closing in on our blonde airhead swimmer…oh no! But the shark is grabbed by tentacles as sharktopus is eating it! That shark just got sharktopussed!

My new boyfriend…

The electronic thing on sharktopus beeps, allowing the blonde to get to shore and Sharktopus swims off, whereever the electronic thing tells it to go.

Screw political scandals, monster sightings are where the money is!

Blue Water is the company that made Sharktopus, aka S11, who can be controlled via their electronic thing. Dr. Sands is in charge and his daughter scientist with glasses Nicole explains technical stuff to the Navy guy financing the whole thing. But the Navy dude is a jerk and makes them test sharktopus by following another boat, which crashes into sharktopus, knocks out the electronic thing, and then the boat explodes. That boat just got sharktopussed.

So pirate that Somalia sued

Sharktopus is free! Free to eat and tentacle the frak up the entire ocean. Hey, that Navy guy is named Commander Cox for a reason, because he’s a dick. he’ll spend the rest of the film yelling at Dr. Sands via a video camera, despite the fact Dr. Sands could just upload footage to YouTube of Commander Cox unleashing sharktopus upon the world and causing major scandal.

Something’s wrong with my belly-button!

Sharktopus eats two guys painting a boat in a humorous manner involving irony. Take that, Shakespeare! Your writing pales before Sharktopus. Hath not a Sharktopus eyes?

Remember – Sharktopus has thumbs and spikes for no reason

We’re going to Mexico! South of the boarder, down Mexico way…

Notice how all these shark movies take place in Mexico? It’s almost as if there is some sort of tax advantage…

Japan!!! Get outta this movie!

They gotta hire…Andy Flynn! You know him. Flynn’s busy getting drunk and almost storing with two chicks at the same time. A chick in a bikini looking for gold coins finds one, then gets sharktopussed! Luckily an old dude is there to take the gold coin. Easy money.

Is my character Bones named after Dr. McCoy or that forensics chick?

Dr. Sands wants Sharktopus alive, and they have special control darts that will allow them to access the biocontrol implants, but only there are only two of the control darts.

When sharktopuses are scorned

Blah blah, there is a reporter sniffing around, Sharktopus eats a bungee jumper, Flynn fails to hit on Nicole, radio guy Captain Jack and his bikinied, Paris Hilton-channeling sidekick discuss the sharktopus among their meta humor.

Sharktopus is a boy! And what a boy…

Sharktopus attacks a resort. It eats a fratboy. Good. It eats another fratboy. Good. Then sharktopus goes to far! Sharktopus eats a hot chick! Bad! Then another hot chick! Damn you, sharktopus! And sharktopus walks around the beach, because he can. Then sharktopus eats a car! That car just got sharktopussed. The reporter Stacy Everheart gets all this on tape. However, her network is ran by jerks who are going to replace her. So Stacy Everheart, her cameraman Bones, and their fisherman guide Pez decide to get some exclusive footage of their own after Pez figures how to track Sharktopus.

I’ll be honest – I enjoyed these three a lot more then the actual main characters. But we all know they’re gonna die.

The Blue Ocean crew sends down a few divers including Flynn. All those extra divers must be there for a reason…sharktopus food! Flynn makes it back alive but wounded. Nicole find out her dad changed sharktopus’s programming to be more agresive, daughter upset

Sharktopus attacks the boat with the news people on it, eating the fisherman Pez. Noooo!! he was my favorite character named after candy. I guess I’ll have to cheer for Twix now…

When Windows Update strikes

Then more beach attacks, punk jetskiers get theirs, and even radio guy Captain Jack gets sharktijacked. Sharktopus then sharktopusses more random fisherpeople, and even fan favorite Santos gets eaten!

Not Santos!!!!! He was my favorite character named after plural luchadors. I guess I’ll have to cheer for Neutrons now…

The rare Tree-nesting Sharktopus

Sharktopus attacks an awful tourist trap dance routine spectated by awful actors and somehow sharktopus gets atop the stage roof without anyone noticing him until he ducks back down to eat the dancers. Sharktopus must have a stealth mode. Flynn shoots machine guns at him, but sharktopus just swims away. Dr. Sands is gonna kill Flynn to try to save Sharktopus because of all the money he’s worth, but Sharktopus pops up and eats Dr. Sands and his goons. With his dying breath, Dr. Sands tells his daughter how to stop Sharktopus.

The news crew hooks up with Flynn and Nicole, offering them a ride to the next location in exchange for exclusive footage of them killing sharktopus. Sharktopus attacks a resort upriver.

Audiences react as M. Knight Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender plays

The way to kill Sharktopus is to hit it with a control dart and then use Nicole’s computer controls to blow up its brains. There’s some lame drama involving a scared kid that goes nowhere and doesn’t give us chomped kiddy goodness that we demand.

Millions of dollars and their monitors only have one color

Noo!! Stacy Everheart and Bones are dead! They were my favorite fictional news team with a cameraman named after Dr. McCoy. I guess I’ll have to cheer for Angela Swift and DeForest!

He lost his head over sharktopus

Sharktopus gets darted, and now Nicole has to figure out the secred passcode, which we all know is the name her dad keeps calling her, but until she reads the script to figure that out, laugh at Flynn fighting sharktopus with a spear. She finally does, and sharktopus explodes! He just got sharktopussed!

And that’s the end…until Sharktopus fights Dinoshark! Maybe.

Just like the ancient hunters

Sharktopus was S-11. So what were S-1 through S-10?

S-1 – Sharkodile – Sharkodile was killed during a battle with…
S-2 – Sharkigator – Sharkigator was killed during a battle with Sharkodile
S-3 – Octodile – was at the Sharkodile/Sharkigator battle, died of excitement
S-4 – Squark – This squid-shark hybrid had two more arms, but was also completely square
S-5 – Sarah Palin – Worst monster ever, but also a big quitter.
S-6 – Electric Shark – shockingly, this idea backfired as energy prices soared
S-7 – Snookipus – last seen dead drunk off the shore of New Jersey
S-8 – Octomom – we all know how that turned out
S-9 – Hammerhead Sharktopus – It turns out if your head is a hammer and you got eight arms, you’re gonna smash a few!
S-10 – Sharkworm – Last seen tearing up a poor guy’s garden.

Oh, this review contains spoilers

Rated 8/10 (electronic thing, coin collecting babe, gold coin, sleeping snack, snobby fisherman, red snapper, fire dancer, awesome kid)

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One thought on “Sharktopus (Review)

  1. This movie looks like it sucks mega amounts of troll cum. My friend Wagner aka The Bad Movie Reviewer 1 reviewed this on You Tube and Starz Media L.B.C. banned it because they’re sensitive.

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