Emmanuelle the Private Collection: Sex Talk

2003?
Written and directed by Jean-Jacques Lamore (pretty sure this is Alain Siritzky)
Loosely based on a character created by Emmanuelle Arsan

Every few years that is a new Emmanuelle series, each iteration becoming more and more removed from the source novel and films to the point where the only connection is the name. Emmanuelle has had all sorts of adventures all over the world (and like all good franchises, she both went to space and fought Dracula!) As it can get time consuming and expensive to track down all copies of all the Emmanuelle series, it’s often more efficient to just pick one to represent the whole group. Especially since the guy who has been churning out Emmanuelle series (and other similar softcore series), Alain Siritzky, sometimes makes the films so they can be edited into either half hour episodes or full movies.

Each Emmanuelle series has their own star as Emmanuelle. The original Emmanuelle was Sylvia Kristel, who was in four of the original Emmanuelle films and played an older Emmanuelle in at least on television series. Prior Emmanuelle series include the Emmanuelle 2000 run, which starred Holly Sampson as Emmanuelle (and we reviewed sample film Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle in Paradise). The most famous series among cable aficionados are the Emmanuelle In Space films, which starred future Baywatch actress Krista Allen. The most recent series starred Allie Haze (as Brittany Joy), but you can rest assured that Emmanuelle will never die.

Natasja Vermeer played Emmanuelle in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, of which Emmanuelle: Sex Talk is a member. Emmanuelle has been played as a brilliant super charismatic well-connected hero who swooped in to solve the problems of whichever couples were nearby. This Emmanuelle is less of a genius who solves problems, but she’s still considered the center of attention. We know this more because the film tells us, instead of us seeing it in action. From the way I explained it, you can tell that she doesn’t come off as very knowledgeable at all. In fact, Emmanuelle becomes more of a mystery as to why anyone even knows her. This is not helped by the subplot of giving Emmanuelle a mystery of her own to figure out (and I will freely admit it may be hurting the attempts to make her appear smart in my eyes.)

The Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series of Emmanuelle films are filled with vignettes that are told either by flashback, or by radio callers who tell them to Brittany O’Dell. These are scenes that have no connection to the film aside from sporadic narration, and were filmed with a different style of digital camera. The look of the actors and the lack of any spoken words leads me to believe the scenes are from overseas somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know if they were filmed specifically for the Emmanuelle films or were something the production company acquired and threw in to save some dough. I do know that they were rather weird. Something about them were just off, I can’t really explain it.

Natasja Vermeer recorded some of the songs that were used in the Emmanuelle: The Private Collection series, for those of you who are soundtrack trivia buffs.

Emmanuelle (Natasja Vermeer) – Never fear, Emmanuelle is here, and things are about to get sexy. Emmanuelle is on a journey for stuff to happen around her, and also she gets a mysterious letter and random sex nymphs visit her, but beyond that, much of the action happens outside of Emmanuelle’s worldview. Brittany O’Dell (Angela Nicholas as Angela Davies) – Radio host who has a deranged stalker, which is somehow sexy and not incredibly disturbing. And she’s friend with Emmanuelle. Lisa (Valerie Baber) – Emmanuelle’s massage partner (and more!) whose boyfriend wants to have a threesome. That eventually happens. Valerie Baber is now an author and sex journalist

Brittany O’Dell is a radio host, sexpert, one night stander, self-pleasurer, and the host of Lovelife on KSXY, the sexiest radio station on the AM dial. Wow, Brad Bartram cameo as part of the interscene montage that’s used for all of the Emmanuelle the Private Collection films (though he’s not in this one!)

Brittany O’Dell is now perplexed, because she was the radio sexpert but after meeting Emmanuelle, she finds out she don’t know crap and Emmanuelle is the best, knowing everything. All hail Emmanuelle, expert on love and all that other junk. Emmanuelle is so good she barely even tries.

Emmanuelle is also friends with Lisa, and Lisa is having problems with her boyfriend. Specifically, she still has desires for women that Matt just can’t satisfy. Lisa confesses this to Emmanuelle while they’re both lying nude by a pool, and getting a massage from Emmanuelle. Emmanuelle gives advice, which comes by way of one of the flashback inserts, that seems to be that she should just have a threesome. They even begin to caress each other. Matt walks in on them, and it turns out he’s too dorky to take advantage of the situation. Their dilemma will be dragged through most of the movie until they finally go through with a threesome at the end, but not with Emmanuelle, it’s with a woman we’ve never met before named Amy.

Brittany O’Dell finishes another exciting radio tale involving spliced in footage, and it becomes obvious that her producer holds a candle for her, but has said nothing about it. She heads home and relaxes by the fire, but then gets a creepy phone call. He has his voice disguised, and claims to be a secret admirer who “knows what she needs” and then hangs up.

I guess she did need to be creeped the hell out! Good job, secret admirer!

Brittany’s later discussion with Emmanuelle shows that she doesn’t seem that concerned at all and is more curious. Myself, I would be calling every cop in the universe, including Space Cops, to track this freak down and shove his voice synthesizer where the sun doesn’t shine.

Emmanuelle is then molested by two nymphs. This is just a dream, and Emmanuelle then awakens, and it turns out she’s in the middle of a massage by a creepy dude with a ponytail and goatee named Evan, who we eventually will find out is the caretaker of the hotel she stays at. But for now he is just an odd guy who is sliding his hands all over Emmanuelle’s naked body while talking about how dreams show the future.

Is every guy in this movie awkward or creepy? This is crazy.

Katrina the maid (dressed as a French maid just so we know she is the maid) gives Emmanuelle a letter. It is from someone saying they have to leave Emmanuelle. This confuses Em, as you can imagine.

Then a Mr. Rex Faviola shows up, he is an interior designer who dresses and looks like Dr. Evil crossed with Paul Schaffer, except so flaming the Olympic committee keeps him as an emergency backup. Despite that, Natasja Vermeer spends a good deal of time giving him seductive looks. Later she has dinner with Brittany, where Brittany says that Rex Faviola’s remodeling will help Em land a man. This is Emmanuelle, she doesn’t need help landing a man! She needs help getting through the day without a thousand men trying to land her!

There is actual Emmanualle characterization for a bit as Em muses on why her friends suddenly are concerned about her and how she likes being single right now. It is probably the best performed voice-over and the best written dialogue, making Emmanuelle believable as Emmanuelle and not just a girl named Emmanuelle. Not only was the reading and writing good, she was naked during the whole thing. I give credit where credit is due. Then we go back to being disappointing…

Brittany gets another call from the admirer, who sets up a time to meet. He says he knows she is missing something…a man. I think she has a lot of men according to the plot… The admirer wants No WORDS when they meet, because they will talk with just their eyes. Huh. So she goes to meet him (without a police backup!) and her and a guy just start making out without speaking, and soon are getting it on in the hallway. After it’s over, he leaves, and then her producer walks in, as he is the secret admirer! Plus he immediately talks so he throws out his own stupid rule. Taste the romance! Oh, wait, that’s just the cigarette smoke from the previous guy, as he was a smoker!

Em is being visited by the nymphs again. She asks them about the letter, but they don’t know anything. But they can help her figure it out with their secret nymph powers, which is to tell Emmanuelle to concentrate on the letter and she’ll remember. So basically, thing about the problem…and you will solve it!

She solves it by pretending the letter was from her childhood crush David…and then David reappears and they have sex! But he’s gone in the morning. Was this another dream? Or reality? That is the mystery of Emmanuelle.

That’s it for this amazing Emmanuelle adventure. If you’d like to learn more about Emmanuelle, consult your local late night Cinemax schedule.

Rated 2/10 (Oh really?, Brad Bartram)

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