Posts tagged "Tyrannosaurus"

Kinky Kong (Review)

Kinky Kong


2006
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema vs. King Kong! It is a softcore King Kong erotic parody that actually does a good job of following the plot of King Kong. It was much more close than I was expecting, which was a great surprise. Seduction Cinema does put out a lot of garbage, but there are many jewels in the rough, and I am happy to report this is one of them. Kinky Kong was filmed after Misty Mundae left to pursue other options, so she won’t be joining us, though other Seduction Cinema regulars are present. John Bacchus and Seduction Cinema have a rich history of ultra-low budget softcore produtions, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the group, you have a lot of catching up to do. Try our reviews of That 70’s Girl, Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet, or Vampire Vixens to get acquainted with the production company. Then consult your local library. After you get kicked out of the library, consult your local internet. Just be sure to turn off the safe-search function.

This is not the first erotic King Kong film. Ignoring all those movies where girls just bone normal sized apes (a surprising amount of films, by the way) there are actual King Kong hardcore porns. The most famous is 1985’s King Dong, directed by Yancy Hendrieth and starring Crystal Holland.

Normally the Seduction Cinema sex scenes are incredibly long, to the point where I just list the time instead of mentioning the action. Someone must have set some standards, as now most of the sex scenes are exactly four minutes long. This ruins my time counting gimmick, so I guess I’ll have to go watch some of their older films to go back to that fun. Oh, well. Let me find my DVD of Playmate of the Apes

Seymoure Ass (John Fedele) – The director who has the idea for their madcap adventure. Super flatulent, and has a ridiculous 1920s Brooklyn accent throughout the film.
Fannie Sparrow (Sabrina Faire) – Fannie Sparrow is the Ann Darrow, the girl Seymoure saves from shoplifting to star in his own film set on an island where there is a giant ape.
Charlina (Darian Caine) – This tough girl is the cook on the ship and also a lesbian extrodanaire. She knows that every situation can be solved with some lesbian sex. And she is right. See Darian Caine in Batbabe if you dare…
Brunhilda Patel (AJ Khan) – One of the native girls on the island who was starring in her own movie, and becomes one of Kinky Kong’s objects of affection. Another lesbian because you can’t have too many lesbians. See AJ Khan in Vampire Vixens and That 70’s Girl.
Jack Friskell (Duane Polcou) – John Driscoll is no hero now, instead being a sailor who is distrustful of women. So much he plays for the other team. Is in love with Kinky Kong, but Kong spurs his advances.
Kinky Kong (Dan Schwab) – He’s kinky. He’s kooky. He’s all together Kongy. He’s Kinky Kong, and he’s got a diaper full of love for every girl on the planet! No one can measure up to Kong, literally! Trapped on Bone Island, Kinky Kong is soon set free in New York City where the opportunities to live up to his given name are endless!
T-Rex (CGI and a rubber mask) – This Tyrannosaurus looks like he has a couple of branches missing from his family tree! His bad vibes almost ruin a perfectly good bout of lesbian sex, so Kinky Kong is forced to administer jungle law to keep the T-Rex from ruining everything. Kinky Kong is successful.


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2 comments - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - December 5, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dinosaurus! (Review)

Dinosaurus!


1960
Starring
Ward Ramsey as Bart Thompson
Kristina Hanson as Betty Piper
Alan Roberts as Julio
Fred Engelberg as Mike Hacker

This relict from the 1950’s type of cinema bursts into the swinging sixties trying the same formula that had worked for 15 years. Unfortunately for them it fails to work. At all. Ward Ramsey is a third rate Peter Graves wanna be. In fact, according to rumor this was supposed to be a Steve McQueen role. Yeah, sure. Bullitt vs. Dinosaurs, that would be entertaining, but the director here couldn’t pull off a paint by numbers picture. Neither could the special effects department, the effects are particularly bad on this film considering the age. If you aren’t Ray Harryhausen don’t even try to pretend you can do his skills. The film tries to cover the cheap effect with terrible comic relief insulting the only interesting character (the caveman) and factors in an annoying island kid, a lazy black guy, a drunk Irishman, a woman who faints underwater, and The White Man saving the day thanks to White Man technology. Yeesh. I will repeat that the kid was annoying as he is terrible. Imagine any of the Kens from the Gamera movies, make him Mexican and named Julio, and you get this kid.

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1 comment - What do you think?
Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 26, 2005 at 9:48 pm

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,