The Model Solution (Review)

The Model Solution

Directed by Edward Holzman

The Model Solution is about the tough as nails business of running a modeling agency and having sex and doing girls and making love. But mostly having sex and doing girls and making love. It’s from the Indigo Entertainment family of films, which were noted for bigger budgets, higher quality, better scripts than the average softcore productions coming out as the millennium changed. The Model Solution is no different, an entertaining film even if you ignore the sex scenes, largely due to the likeability of Sebastien Guy, who makes everything watchable. One of the amazing things is how many of the actors are going by different names than they are usually credited by. It’s like everyone drew an alias out of a hat and used that. Besides the main cast aliases, Kimber Lynn is Kimberlee Castaic, Katie Lohmann is Katie Lohman, April Flowers is Diana Espen, Sasha Peralto is Sasha Rochelle, GiGi Erneta is Gigi Erneta, and Kimberly Fisher is Kimberly Kay. I’d make a flow chart, but I’m lazy.

As this stars Sebastien Guy like The Sex Substitute and The Sex Substitute Two, I consider this the unofficial third Sex Substitute film, where instead of accidentally substituting for sex therapists, the character has branched out into the world of modeling. And as Sebastien Guy left the world of softcore films to become an actual model, real life validates my theory. That is why TarsTarkas.NET is the number one website about theories of The Model Solution. And if I see any more Sebastien Guy films, I’ll just add them to the Sex Substitute canon somehow. That’s how we roll here. Girl for Girl, I will fit you in somehow!

Director Edward Holzman helmed the classic late night Cinemax flick Friend of the Family, and produced a lot of the Indigo Entertainment archive. He’s also listed as producer on Corporate Fantasy and some other Mystique Films.

Jack Spencer (Sebastien Guy as Scott Duke) – The CEO of Models, Ltd., a company that provides models (as opposed to polar bears) and our main character, who is too busy enjoying life and working hard to enjoy life and work hard. Wait, that doesn’t make sense…but it does. Hmmm…
Steve (Jason Schnuit as Dave Veleo) – friend of Jack, who gets dumped right at the beginning of the movie and has an adversarial relationship with Jack’s secretary Emma, who we all know he’ll be dating by the end of the flick
Emma (Holly Hollywood) – Jack’s secretary, and owner of a secret crush on Steve, but she works with too many beautiful women to have enough confidence to do anything about it. Holly Hollywood is also in The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man.
Rebecca Knight (Kim Yates as Kim Laurel) – The CEO of Knightware Apparel, and the big client Jack is trying to snag. She’s also a big lesbian, as that factors into the plot.
Caroline Cross (Regina Russell) – Jack’s ex-girlfriend who now runs a rival model agency, Nuance. She competes with Jack over Rebecca Knight’s business, popping up at inopportune times. Regina Russell is a softcore veteran and is also in The Mummy’s Kiss, Bikini Airways, and a cameo in Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet.

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Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet (Review)

Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet
Now this is good scifi! And good softcore! Finding a movie that has both is a rare feat, indeed. And this one is a blast! The plot is the standard Mars Need Women/Devil Girl From Mars fare, except it is Female Aliens Need Sperm. Thus…the softcore. We applaud Fred Olen Ray for this one! Sure, we have done a lot of these films by now, but as every entry is its own different genre, things keep from getting boring. The films are generally entertaining as well, putting them light-years ahead of some of the snooze-fests from Seduction Cinema such as the similarly named Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet or the lethargic thriller-type movies that also show up all the time on Skinimax yet rarely never giving a satisfying viewing experience. These films are fun for everyone! So bring on the fun.
Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet

Kim Read (Nicole Sheridan) – Your average college student with a libido overdrive, Kim realizes meeting two alien girls can probably get her higher grades at school, and maybe even fame. My favorite line of hers is bragging about her C-average to the two alien girls right after meeting them, it seems ad libbed and hilarious. Nicole Sheridan headlines a lot of these films, see her also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes.
Gary (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – Kim’s man whose method of study doesn’t translate well to making good grades. For some reason Voodoo has a goofy fauxhawk this time, which distinguishes his character from all the other Voodoo characters in these films. Said films are Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes.
Annie (Syren) – Subordinate officer of the mission to Earth. Needs to be educated about males, but soon gains an enthusiasm for learning. Keeper of the milk jug. See Syren here as well in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, and Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle.
Commander Danow (Christine Nguyen) – Commanding officer of the mission sent to get some Earth jizz. Helps educate her colleague as to the vile habits of the Earth male. Then she has sex with her. Oh, yeah! Do you get the joke in the name of the two Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet? Because it is the reason I listed them in this order. I’m not going to explain it, so there! See Christine Nguyen in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes.
Professor Thomas Quatermass (Brad Bartram) – Professor of Astronomy who gives his students extra credit. He also works with the MIB agency for the government, because all astronomers fight aliens as well. We got a name drop to the British character who has been appearing since the 1950s. Brad Bartram is also in Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, and Bikini Airways.
Decker (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone camps it up again, this time as a MIB agent assigned to go after the two alien girls. He also has time to get some tail on the side. Name drop is from Blade Runner, for the two of you who didn’t get it. See Evan Stone in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini, Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes.
Queen Morganna (Rebecca Love) – Leader of Aqua-Terra, planet of women who love women. You don’t wear shirts when you are the queen. You may have seen Rebecca Love in Itty Bitty Cheerleaders vs. the Big Boob Squad 2 or Debbie Does Dallas: East vs. West, or even # Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre, but you probably did see her in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini.
Audrey Wagner (Michelle Lay) – Audrey Wagner is the 4H teacher at the university. Because all universities need 4H! Michelle Lay is also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini.
Hobart (Ted Newsom) – Leader of the MIB who orders Decker to take down the Bikini Girls. That’s all he does. Ted Newsom does bit parts in several of these bikini films, see him briefly also in Ghost in the Teeny Bikini and Super Ninja Doll.
Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet
You wouldn’t know it, but this is the filthiest picture on this site!

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Bikini Airways (Review)

Bikini Airways

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Bikini Airways
Bikini Airways follows the old Inherit A Business Plot, which is a branch off of the Help a Relative Save A Business Plot, but with the added benefit of not hiring the relative actors. Girl inherits business, it is failing, so dump a bunch of bikinis all over it and everyone wins! Especially the audience. The only problem is by now this is a by the numbers plotline, which is why the bikini movies have moved more into erotic parodies of film genres instead of following the same plot over and over just at a different job. This film’s location will be an airline, so expect referenced to the Mile High Club, lots of stewardess fantasies, and jokes about cockpits.
Bikini Airways

A Retromedia release, directed by Nicholas Medina (the Bikini films pseudonym for Fred Olen Ray) and filled with the usual jokes mixed with sex scenes formula that has proven popular. Four of these films come out each year, with varied settings that allow lots of fun spoofing of film conventions. There was a while when there was a big influx of imitators, with dozens of movies with the word “Bikini” in the title came out set practically everywhere (the most ridiculous I have see was Bikini Traffic School) but the Retromedia series has endured due to the entertaining scripts and settings, mixed with the very talented performers. Basically, they are a whole lot of fun, especially compared to many of their competitors.

Terri Williams (Regina Russell) – Never done real work as she had money growing up to give her the freedom to be a fulltime animal rights activist and overseas volunteer in Afghanistan. Only child and orphan. Inherits Janus Air when her Uncle Hugh passes on, and must save the company. Because that’s what you do in these films! Regina Russell also had a part in The Mummy’s Kiss.
Gary (Brad Bartram) – The groom is an oil tycoon’s son, he is about the marry the “virgin” Francine. Unlike the Virgin Connie Swail, she is not. Eventually drills for oil in the Terri Williams protected reserve, if you catch my inuendo. Brad Bartram is in a bunch of these films, he will show up again soon.
Jim (Noah Frank) – The boyfriend of Terri who won’t be the boyfriend by the end of the movie, due to his cheating heart. And his cheating wang. Is a photographer, who doesn’t make money, instead works by the barter system.
Traci (Loni Lynn) – The large breasted one who didn’t do well in high school. You will like her signature move. Loni Lynn is also known as Kim Maddox. Is very entertaining.
Vicki (Kylie Biscayne) – Has red hair, is a speedster in the car (especially while nude), and a cockpit fanatic. Spent part of the dance sequence staring right at the camera. Kylie Biscayne can be seen in several other Bikini films and is also known as Belinda Gavin.
Pam (Julie Snow) – former famous model who lost all her money, became a lesbian, and then decided that the real way to go is to marry the first rich guy who comes along and do nothing for the rest of her life. Julie Snow is also known as Amy Lindsay
Captain Sam (Jay Richardson) – Captain Sam has been a pilot for 25 years. Enjoys Irish Coffee with whipped cream while he flies. A big fan of Polaroid. Also a big fan of making a quick buck off of opportunity. Jay Richardson is in a billion Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski films. He even played a “Hugh Janus” in Final Examination, filmed about when this film was.
Co-Pilot Dave (Sam Silver) – Dave spends most of the film staring at various curvy parts of the women. He is a UFO buff. Likes to get high…in a plane!

Bikini Airways
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The Mummy’s Kiss (Review)

The Mummy’s Kiss

Mia Zottoli as Ramsay Amun/Hor-Shep-Sut
Sasha Peralto as Ana Harwa/Princess Hat-Em-Akhet
George Thomas as Professor Carter Moore
Aysia Lee as Tina Kim
Richard Lynch as Dr. Wallis Harwa
Arthur Roberts as Osiris
Katie Lohmann as Isis

Shhhh!!! Be very very quiet! We’re sneaking downstairs to catch a glimpse of late night TV, since we’re tired of going to bed early. Luckily Step-father is asleep on the couch, so we can change channels without much trouble. Let’s see what’s on the pay channels tonight…HBO has Out For A Kill, Showtime is playing a Queer as Folk marathon…what’s this? The Mummy’s Kiss? I liked the first two Mummy movies, let’s give this one a whirl. Hey….SHE’S NAKED! WHOA!
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