Tag Archives: Chelsea Staub

PopFan (Review)

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PopFan

aka Lighthouse
PopFan
2014
Written by Dean Orion
Directed by Vanessa Parise
PopFan
PopFan is an amazing Lifetime flick that gives a truly disturbing take on the obsessive fan. It rises far above being simply a gender-swapped Misery to become a twisted tale of mental illness, obsession, and a critique of pop stars sexing up their image in an attempt to escape a squeaky clean background.

Chelsea Kane plays the pop princess Ava Maclaine is a pop star who is Miley Cyrus. Her hobbies are living life and partying, which means getting drunk and getting crunk. Ava has just put out her latest video and song, featuring a sexed up music video (yet still far less racy than you’ll see in many pop star’s videos!) She still has her boyfriend from her child-friendly days, Curtis Flemming, who has gone on to become a boring investment banker. Curtis is not in the mood to put up with her crazy party antics anymore, so Ava decides to make him jealous by dancing with a hot guy. And a hot girl! All of this is filmed on multiple cell phones, including the resulting fight with Curtis. Curtis congratulates her on making a video that will top her music video in views.
PopFan
Ava then takes a long drive in the country to try to relax and think and write songs. She eventually ends up in Maine, and pumping her own gas. Or at least attempting to, she has help from a friendly service employee named Xavier. He warns here there is a Nor’easter coming and driving soon won’t be safe, but she continues anyway. Soon it is pouring rain and her car spins out and off the road. She awakens in a bed, with Xavier bringing her food and explaining he pulled her out of her burning car.

This alone is obviously creepy. By the next day, Xavier reveals they are in a lighthouse, and there is no phone line, no cell phone reception, and no internet. And the weather is still terrible, so they are trapped there. Xavier seems friendly, showing off the lighthouse and the work he’s been doing to the place. But he still has a creepy vibe. It soon comes apparent that he’s not all together mentally. He is physically insistent she not go into a certain room. His mood changes suddenly and dramatically. He keeps making excuses as to why they can’t go somewhere so she can contact her family to let them know she’s okay.
PopFan
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Misery loves a PopFan on Lifetime!

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Popfan Lifetime Chelsea Kane

I made the sauce with placenta leftover from when I kidnapped Britney Spears!


[adrotate banner=”1″]What if we gender-swapped Misery and made the victim a pop princess? Then you’d get the upcoming Lifetime Original movie PopFan!

A young pop star looking to recreate herself and her sound on a quiet trip to Maine is caught in a storm, crashes her car, and rescued by a young man who takes her to his secluded lighthouse to recuperate. But she soon discovers that he is not just her rescuer, but a mentally unstable and obsessed fan who believes she is the image created in her videos.

What could be a sensual romance book becomes a disturbing psychological terror thanks to the twist! But just how crazy is this lighthouse guy? I’m guessing pretty crazy, but there is no trailer up yet, so this is all a guess. But I’m pretty accurate with my crazy guesses.

PopFan stars Chelsea Kane – aka Chelsea Staub – who was Meredith Baxter Dimly from Bratz! So I’ll just view PopFan as a sequel to Bratz, because it’s not like we’re going to get a real sequel (unless you count Pretty Little Liars. Maybe we should…) It also stars Nolan Gerard Funk, who has a big enough fanbase they’ve been following the film since it was known as Lighthouse. Yes, Lifetime renamed another flick!

The director of PopFan is Vanessa Parise – who directed Status: Unknown, and is written by Angela Mancuso (who cowrote Aladdin and the Death Lamp and Pegasus vs. Chimera) and Dean Orion (Who wrote some episodes of The Invisible Man)

PopFan premieres Saturday, August 23rd on Lifetime! It will be the best film about a pop princess kidnapped by a guy who lives in a lighthouse you will ever see that night!

via Lifetime

Bratz: The Movie (Review)

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Bratz: The Movie


2007
Directed by Sean McNamara

Bratz: The Movie is a film about being yourself, which is a contradiction as the toys are polar opposites to the extreme. Combined with the fact the film is chock full of racist stereotypes, pedophilia, and glorification of expensive Sweet Sixteen parties, and you got a film that could get the creators thrown in Guantanamo Bay for crimes against humanity. It is nothing that good ole fashioned terrorism repackaged for the MTV generation and thousands of tweenage girls. Not terrorism that kills, but terrorism that leaves deep psychological scars, the kind that will never heal. Osama wishes he could put out films that hurt like this.

The basic plot is that the high school the Bratz go to is controlled by an ultra-evil girl who keeps everyone divided into cliques. The Bratz span cliques as they are multi-racial and interest girls designed by a soulless mega-corporation with only their passion for fashion to bind them together. The fight to stay friends when torn apart by their other interests is the soul of the piece, and speaks a message of accepting other groups and not staying in your little social circle. This spirit of expressing yourself and individuality and acceptance is completely at odds with the toys, which are practically identical giant-headed clones. Their giant eyes, lips with more silicone than breasts in a porno movie, and ever-bare midriffs make them look like they are some crazed duplication experiment, with only skin and hair hues keeping them apart. That is not diversity and expressing your differences, that is following a trend to the point of marching straight off a bridge. And that’s just where Bratz dolls should be thrown.

Bratz are a toy, but they are also an attitude. An attitude that fashion is more important than anything. That thongs are standard fare for girls of single digit ages. That everyone should have big heads, giant lips, long eyelashes, smaller-than-pixies bodies, and a passion for fashion that exceeds all other skills and desires. To consume. To be superficial. Not what anyone sane should be teaching their kids.

So with the condemnations of the dolls I’ve laid out here and in the previous Bratz encounter, you’d think this film would be the most hated film of all time. Oddly enough, parts of this film weren’t the worst thing that ever existed. There’s a few flecks of gold in the acres of manure. Not much, but they were like beacons in the darkness, guiding us a save path to a swift exit to the film. Only God himself could have braved the evil that are Bratz to implant something good for the good people of the world to get hope from. But aside from those points, the film is as terrible as the trailer makes it out to be. The basic premise is the Bratz go to high school, which is ruled by an ultra-bitch who demands everyone sit with their clique. The Bratz have diverse interests, which ends in them becoming members of their respective cliques instead of staying friends. But we all know girl power and passion for fashion will save the day at the end. Oops, I just spoiled the movie! Not like anyone reading this on this site will care, for we’re not here to discuss the film in a rational manner, but to tear it apart in the only way we know how. Why? Because they made it. We have a passion for crap.

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