Janram (Review)


aka Blind Moon aka จันทร์แรม

Written by Varapon H. Phadungratna
Directed by Kirati Nak-Intanond

There’s a storm coming…a BLOOD STORM!!!

Janram is a Thai film from Niepce House, which is related to Natnalin Magazine, an art magazine from Thailan named after its founder, Natnalin Noimai, a photographer. The magazine has a heavy art bent, and the related features and enterprises on the website also trend towards the art direction. It did well enough that they started up a moving picture divsion to try to cash in on the Asian Horror craze that was sweeping the world in the early 2000s. From what I can tell, they produced only two films: Janram and Secret Room No.7, both released in 2004. Janram is heavily weighted to show visuals, visuals that have the appearance of the way fine art photographs would look in an arty black and white photoshoot. This is all well and good, but moving film is a different medium than still photography, so the correlation seems odd at times. It gives Janram a more high class feel, which strikes a stark contrast with what is actually happening in the story, with lesbian vampire schoolgirls.

Janram is based on a serialized story called Janram by Poomkamol Phadungratna that was incomplete at the time of filming. As Niepce House is a company set up by artists, the few films it made were more “artistic” than anything else. But they were also horror films, mostly so they could sell them overseas. This film is packed to the gizzards with weird stylized stuff – it has a washed out appearance most of the time, allowing for when there is blood for it to be bright bright bright red and contrast sharply with the rest of the film. Beyond that, there are random odd zooms and the camera is constantly moving like the cameraman was wearing rollerblades or something. As usual, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The line for the midnight premiere of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 started before Part 1 hit the theaters!

The best part of this film was the two trailers before the film. One was of a haunted bra film – yes, haunted bra film. You see, if you put on this haunted bra, a ghost would appear and your bra would glow all yellow and you would be possessed by a ghost. Apparently women trade bras often, so dozens of women wear the haunted bra, which hunts down the people who killed and raped it’s original owner. Oddly enough, the English name for this film is Haunted Bra.

There was also a Naked Weapon knockoff film complete with crappy version of the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct leg crossing scene. The budget was about $4, but it’s probably at least as good as the real Naked Weapon. As far as I can tell, this doesn’t have an English name, but goes by นางฟ้า ต้องประหาร. If it ever gets back in print I’ll snatch up a copy for thrill of it all. Thanks to ThaiWorldView for helping me figure out the title!

Vampires also double as photo-negative safe lights for darkrooms!

Janram (Jintana Aromyen) – Just your average lesbian vampire schoolgirl who slowly eats all her lovers to death, yet doesn’t seem to realize that she’s killing all of them and gets depressed when they keep dying. But that doesn’t stop her from hooking up again and again with a constant parade of young lasses. The upper class Janram lives with her creepy grandma who is always silently craddling a doll and her mother. Actress Jintana Aromyen is also in Gonggoi: The Beast and 2004’s Ghost Dormitory
Ming (Maethinee Suwanjinda) – Janram’s lover who dies near the beginning of the film. Like you expect from a vampire flick, she returns very hungry and very upset that Janram has moved on to a new girl. It’s going to be a chick fight tonight!
Sassy (???) – As I couldn’t figure out her name, I just called her Sassy because she’s very sassy to everyone. Sassy has always hated Ming for reasons unknown, and she has no qualms on moving in on Ming’s territory once she dies. But then Ming comes back, but Janram now likes Sassy more… I think this is actress Bussakum Apithanarak but I am not sure.
I must stay away from the audio adaptations of Warhammer novels…but Gotrek and Felix can’t be resisted!

Never buy generic Chapstick!

A schoolgirl named Ming slaps her date as he’s trying to take advantage of her, so he just leaves her in the creepy wooded suburbs. She’s quickly spied by lesbian vampire Janram, who rips open her shirt to go all lesbionic on her. Note how the schoolgirl doesn’t slap Janram or even seem worried. Janram and the schoolgirl are lit horribly by bright light from underneath, making their faces look all creepy and unattractive. But it’s vampire time! Chomp! Blood sprays all over the place, Janram seemingly getting high off of the substance while Ming just looks like she’s dead. But she isn’t, and she’s take to the hospital…eventually.

The romance with Janram continues despite Janram slowly sucking the life out of Ming literally. We also learn Ming has an enemy in her group of friends, another girl who is not named somewhere I could figure out her name, so we’re calling her Sassy. Sassy HATES Ming, up to the point of ignoring her in the hospital and reading a book while Ming collapses and dies. But Sassy does like attention from other girls, as Janram makes eyes on her at the hospital bathroom.

Hi, I’m slowly stealing sections of the frame! Soon this film will be smaller than a postage stamp!

So Ming bites it from being bitten one too many times, and it’s funeral time! For some reason male singer Prakasit Bosuwan is in the film for a few minutes, including the funeral. But ignore him, because a funeral is a great place to hit on chicks. Sassy does just that, hitting on Janram, who I am assuming doesn’t reveal her connection to Ming.

Their relationship grows over a few months, the spirit of Ming is enraged, shaking flowers! Sassy implies that Ming was having sex with Prakasit Bosuwan. This confession is so hot that it causes Janram and Sassy to make out in the bathroom of the restaurant. But Janram is still sad over Ming and pushes away, enraging Sassy. She gives such a dirty look to the mirror I half expected it to shatter.

A guy peeing on Ming’s grave gets the surprise of his life when Ming leaps out from the grave, grabs his crotch, and rips off his junk along with most of his intestines. Lesson learned: Don’t pee on graves in Thailand! Ming is now Vampired out all hardcore and model walks down the road swinging the head of her victim in one hand. She then slaughters a whole group of guys in blurry-vision, none of which are smart enough to run for their damn lives when their many buddies have already been ripped apart. Stupid guys.

The most feminist movie of them all!
Damn! Lindsay Lohan’s driving again!

Sleazy club guys look the same in Thailand as the US: track suits, permed hair, tinted glasses, mustache, gold chain, overweight…this guy even has a rose in his mouth! He becomes Ming’s latest snack. Hey, Ming, didn’t you come back to life to sex up Janram? Maybe you should go see her? No, just keep killing people so it makes the news and Janram gets concerned.

Ming tracks down one of the other schoolgirls and yells at her, then forces herself upon her and vampires her. Finally, after all of this, she calls Janram and has her meet her at a club. Ming and Janram will have increasingly hostile meetings at various clubs where they yell more and more at each other. Am I the only one who thinks it’s awesome when people yell at each other in public? Ming storms out and leaves Janram in tears and Sassy frightened.

The worst YouTube Beauty Guru
Look, let’s just ignore how I’m randomly wearing a collar, okay?

Then two paramilitary cops assigned to track down the vampires gun down Ming in the parking lot. She does manage to rip off one of the guy’s arms, and his comrade doesn’t help him at all. That’s the bro code!

Janram is sad. The end.

The end??? How is that an ending? How is that an anything? Bleh. Bleh bleh!

Do you suffer from Vampire Energy Drain? Probloodesia can help!
That famous meeting joint: The Girls’ Bathroom!

Oddly enough, Janram has its fans. Including an obsessive fan who is attempting to recut the film (including an alternate ending!) Though parts of the film were chopped up by the film censor office (and according to this link, the soundtrack changed), it is still a mess and will be a mess even with good editing. But I do admit it does look very nice. If only…

The rug on the wall is made out of the skin of Crazy Grandma’s previous dolls!

Rated 2/10 (Eat at Chesters!, she’s getting ahead of the situation!)

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Janram takes a break from Facebook arguments and blocking creeps on Twitter to admire her silver pillow
This coffee had an espresso shot? I didn’t notice!
So Thailand’s clubs have these guys as well…

2 thoughts on “Janram (Review)

  1. Pingback: Janram | Mysterious Order of the Skeleton Suit

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